6 Months

Hi everyone,

 

It's about time for me to celebrate 6 months free from prescribed Xanax for 25 years. It has been a rough road, but I'm still here. I have seen quite a bit of progress, but also recognize that I am still very much in the thick of withdrawal. My biggest quality of life issue was not being able to drive, but luckily around the three month mark I started driving short distances again.

 

Months 1-2 were the worst and my memories of those days have started to fade. I do believe our brains often prevent us from fully remembering traumatic events. I saw quite a bit of progress around month 3, observing the windows and waves pattern forming, recognizing and working around dietary challenges (i.e. glutamate), and becoming somewhat functional again. There was slow but steady progress in Months 4 - 6, and I feel like I'm probably 50% healed at this point. I have had windows where I felt like I was 80% or more there, but those were short lived. I was sure I was turning the corner to recovery so many times, but have lately accepted that recovery has to be measured month by month and not week by week.

 

I am left with a handful of persistent symptoms (dizziness/boaty feeling, fatigue, anxiety/panic/agoraphobia, tremors, and cognitive deficits/brain fog/confusion) that come and go on a daily basis. Sometimes many times a day! My physical symptoms no longer really get in my way as much as my mental symptoms. I am now at a point where the mental (anxiety/panic/agoraphobia) are the most troubling to deal with.

 

To everyone going through this, let me say that things do improve and I am better off now than I was in the beginning. I have had some incredible moments that show me that life without benzos will be so much better. I can't even properly describe a recent experience I had walking through a local bakery during a window. The sensory experience was unlike anything I can ever remember! I now enjoy things more than I did before, sleep better than I did before, and feel better than I did before, even though I am still very much dealing with withdrawal. It is a difficult thing for me to process that I feel better in many ways, yet I am still dealing with so much.

 

Things I have learned:

 

(Dislaimer: These are my personal observations and for informational purposes only. I am not a medical professional and I make no recommendations for treatment.)

 

  - Talking with others helps. First and foremost, thank you so much to everyone on BB that has provided me advice and support. It has been invaluable.

 

  - My recovery timeline is my own. Expecting my experience to match that of others is unrealistic. I no longer find it comforting to compare my recovery timeline to others.

 

  - Making my bed and bath as comfortable as possible has helped immensely. This is where I go to relax and to sleep. I have been very lucky to avoid any major issues with sleep so far. Hot showers are very therapeutic and help me get up in the morning and wind down in the evening. Investing in these things to create a comfortable environment has been worth every penny.

 

  - I avoid making expectations about tomorrow. Progress is seen in the long term. I no longer expect windows to last for a certain time frame, but I do try to enjoy them when they show up. Similarly, I try to make my schedule as flexible as possible to allow for potential waves.

 

  - I eliminate as much stress as possible. I have found that stressful situations and over exertion during windows often make the near term more challenging.

 

  - I find that routine and hobbies help keep life as normal as possible. I may not get out much, but I still enjoy watching my favorite shows, learning new skills, and spending time with my family. Keeping a routine as much as possible has also allowed me some level of normalcy.

 

  - I try to support my healing. I now avoid anything (drugs and supplements) that are or may be GABA receptor agonists. Especially anything that targets BZD receptors. This is a personal preference and I totally understand others may have differing opinions about this at various stages of recovery. Alternatively, I now look for things that may aid in the healing process like antioxidants. I also allow myself plenty of extra time to sleep. In the past few months, I have regularly slept 12 hours a day if possible!

 

  - My withdrawal symptoms seem to change a lot over time. For example, what I call dizziness is such an overly generalized label now. I have seen this symptom morph in so many ways over the past six months that the dizziness I experience now hardly resembles my original symptom at all.

 

  - Supplements have helped me with various symptoms, but are no cure all. Going the supplement route was a personal choice of mine and many advise against using supplements at all during benzo withdrawal. I have found that while supplements may help in some ways, for me there is often a draw back (worsening of some symptoms) as a result. As this is a milestone post and not a supplement post, I will avoid going into further detail here about what works and does not work for me.

 

  - Changing my diet has been very helpful. Many shrug off the impact that excess glutamate can have during benzo withdrawal, but for me avoiding glutamate has helped significantly. This was made readily apparent to me after consuming MSG. MSG is the absolute worst for me and I avoid it at all costs. Excess glutamate is in the vast majority of foods out there and limiting it can be a real challenge. I have found that the easiest way to tackle this issue is to eat primarily home cooked food, avoiding the biggest offenders like mushrooms, aged cheeses (especially parmesan), and tomatoes. Otherwise, most processed, fast, and even some restaurant foods have excess glutamate. Good luck finding a fast food chicken sandwich that wasn't prepared with at least some MSG! . I now try to get all of my vitamins from food and avoid synthetic vitamin supplements. I have eaten more kale over the past few months than I have in my entire life! I also avoid alcohol completely now (it's a GABA receptor agonist), but still enjoy a few non-alcoholic beers. Some of them are actually pretty good!

 

  - I try to forgive myself. While I don't deny that I was made aware of the dangers of benzos some time ago, I had already been taking them for decades by the time I received the bad news. I decided to quit because panic disorder and agoraphobia have progressively made my life worse over the past ten years and these disorders have been linked to long term benzo use. I have tried nearly every treatment possible with no success and my long term quality of life matters to me and my family. I don't blame myself for taking medication that doctors advised me to take. I took it as prescribed and this is what I have been left with. I forgive myself for what I can't do for now, knowing that things should progressively get better over time.

 

 

Wishing everyone here a speedy recovery!

You have the right game plan for success.

Wow, what a great update and thank you for letting us know your personal observations, you've provided a fantastic roadmap for others. 

Glad to help in any way that I can!