I don’t know what’s happened to my life

Hi everyone, sorry to get started on a sad note. I’m writing this in tears.

 

I’m an Australian living in Berlin. 2021 was the hardest/worst year of my life… and it seems like 2022 isn’t going to be easy either. 😭

 

I worked like crazy throughout the pandemic, but lost my job early last year. I was pretty depressed about that but tried to pick myself up and was working on some creative projects and getting excited - I’m a designer.

 

Life was going fine, until the second dose of the Moderna vaccine. In July, Two weeks later, I woke up in the middle of the night with waves of heat hitting me. It kinda felt like a panic attack, but different, and it just wouldn’t end for hours. My husband had to take me to the hospital where they gave me 2 1mg lorazepam pills and some anti-nausea meds.

 

Every 10 days or so after that, I’d wake up with mini shaking episodes. It was a bit weird, but I didn’t dwell on it too much, and life went on.

 

The beginning of the end began in late August. August 23rd 2021 was the last normal day of my life, I slept for 11 hours that day. 😭

 

I took antibiotics for an infection the next day, and my life imploded. I didn’t know it at the time, but Clarithromycin can act as a GABA-a antagonist. It just threw my body over the edge. Everytime I tried to sleep, I’d wake up within an hour shaking uncontrollably. Over the next two weeks, I barely ate or slept and my anxiety was unlike nothing I’ve ever experienced before. I was terrified.

 

My husband didn’t know what to do, and despite how much I was terrified of it, I ended up in a psychiatric hospital. All they did was get me dependent on lorazepam. At a peak or 2.5mg for 3 weeks - total use including tapering was 13 weeks and 2 days. I repeatedly told them I was absolutely terrified of benzo WD but they brushed my fears aside. At that point, I didn’t even know that *all* psych meds can be difficult to withdraw from. What is wrong with doctors and why don’t they tell us this??

 

In the psych hospital, they also put me on an SNRI (Milnacipran) which made me feel horrendous - messing with my stomach which was already struggling from the antibiotics, suppressing my appetite, accelerating my heart rate and even 2 days of dreaded akathisa. It was hell. In the 6th week there, I demanded to leave (I was trying to treat myself with meditation, acceptance, etc.) and taper off the SNRI after 3 weeks. Before I left, they made a 25% drop to lorazepam, so when I got home I was dealing with rebound insomnia and a poor appetite.

 

I was miserable, crying profusely everyday, angry, lost, feeling hopeless. 10 days later, I was put on Mirtazapine… which I deeply regret now 😞 I wish I had just accepted the benzo WD and pushed through it. I’m a bit scared that tapering Mirta is going to add years of illness to my life now. I’ve been unwell for almost 5 months now, and my spirit is breaking. I just don’t get how my life has crumbled before my eyes.

 

The psychiatrist was pushing me to make drops every 3 days at the end (I held for 4-5) and I jumped from 0.25mg of lorazepam 31 days ago. A month benzo free.

 

Throughout that time I’ve experienced a whole range of symptoms that I’m sure I don’t need to get into.

 

I thought things were taking a turn for the better, but for the last week, I’ve only been sleeping for 3-4 hours every night (despite 15mg of Mirtazapine), and I feel exhausted but not sleepy.

 

At this point, idk if it’s another benzo WD wave or Mirta turning on me. My vision has also gone to hell since I jumped which is painful as im a designer and have no chance of engaging with my interests with double vision that comes and goes. Sometimes it’s horrendous, sometimes it’s better… sometimes I don’t know if that’s benzo WD or Mirta - the latter terrifies me because I could be stuck with crappy vision for years now. 😞

 

I’m here searching for hope - especially from others who have gone through benzos and Mirta. I’m stressed and immensely regret adding another drug to this, and I’m not sure if I should immediately start tapering off that or wait.

 

I’m sorry for all the shit everyone is going through on account of these meds and pray we all heal soon. ❤️

 

Edit:  language

Hello Slowphie,

 

Welcome to BenzoBuddies, we are glad you are here!  Oh dear, it sounds like you've had such a rough year or two and I am so sorry.  You are not alone in dealing with more than one psych med since many of our members are or have been there.  Education regarding medications is really lacking and it looks like you were caught in that trap also.

 

We have a support group for Mirtazipine and you can link up here:

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=80102.0

 

I had so much trouble with insomnia but I found helpful info and support on this board:

 

Insomnia

 

Please get settled in and let us know what you need.  We are here to help.

 

Again, welcome,

 

Kate08

Hi Slowphie,

  I’m sorry for your pain and I can 100% relate. I too for a horrendous effect from the Moderna shot and have wondered since about the correlation to the benzo withdrawal/taper I had just started back in the Spring, my jab was May.  I won’t list the effects here but it was intense and painful to say the least. I’ve seen interviews of people injured this way and shaking etc, with a myriad of symptoms so similar to only two other conditions I know of: benzo withdrawal and Lyme disease. I wish there was a proper study (or even an informal one) on how often people with hellish reactions to the jab are benzo (or other psych med) dependent.  If one in five North Americans are on psych meds (heard this yesterday on Mikhaila Peterson podcast) then just maybe there is something to this. 

  Also, let me just say you will get better and it will be so so worth it. Feel free to DM me if you want to chat, I will check every couple of days on here as I find it helpful. Especially the success stories!!!! 

 

  I have the vision stuff too, comes and goes but night time driving absolutely not until I’m better because the bright lights blind me with the glare and it’s very dangerous.  I am convinced it will heal.  I have what some might find an inordinate faith in the body’s ability to heal.  I think with tenacity (that you indeed have) we will also find things that help us mitigate the pain somewhat. For me cbd and a diet high in healthy meat has helped so much. (Edited to add that vision part)

Thank you so much to both of you.

you will get through this, each day/hour/minute that passes gets you closer, your body WILL heal, and you used for a "short" amount of time.

 

Same thing happened to me, the doctors tried to throw every antidepressant, mirtaz etc at me, "all your symptoms couldn't be from short term kpin use" blah blah blah

 

YOU WILL GET better, remember these symptoms are your body being confused, and healing, it will take time, be kind to yourself, and accept that sleep might not come, tonight, or tomorrow, but it will come back, I know its hard to accept in the middle of the night alone, or when everyone else is sleeping, but it will

 

God bless

Thanks so much for the encouragement Danny. You’re smart for not accepting more meds. I really wish I had done the same… only recently discovered how problematic all psych meds can be, and by that point it was too late to rapid taper off another medication. Ugh.