Six years out ! After almost 15 years of use !

Yep !  Six years out !  I’ll try to make it short although making it through withdrawal could be the subject of an entire book !

 

-Reasons why I started benzos

 

I have always been an anxious nature, hyperactive and very driver.  But at the age of 30, I got through 7 surgeries and years of aggressive physio for a medical condition and then an accident.  I remained with chronic pain in various part of my body.  The pain I have been through at the time, left me diminished and opened a chapter of ongoing trials of medications for pain, anxiety and depression.  That is when I was prescribed benzos.  It was to help with the pain and calm the spike of anxiety and panic that followed.  I ended up taking these (alongside other psychotropic medications) for 15 years.

- Reasons why I decided to quit

 

I am not totally sure why I decided to quit.  But I started to research when panic attacks and pain reached a new level !  Panic attacks became too frequent, meaning every day, multiple times per day.  I had them so frequently that I could not breathe anymore, my diaphragm and upper  chest being knotted in spasms.  Pain was now there throughout the body, a full time deep pain, like a flu was coming.  The level of discomfort and distressed I was in at the time got me to quit my job.  I was crying all the time at the office.  I was in a new role where responsibilities and working hours were demanding.  My body and soul could not deliver anymore in a demanding environment.  I was burnt out. Like many others I put my hands on Heather Ashton documents.  Benzos were certainly not the entire cause of my misery but I was certain it contributed to my final collapse.    I then decided I had enough of those.  Note that I also was on a full dose of antidepressant at the time.  Over the years I have also tapered it.  I am toward the end of the process and I am still working on it very very slowly.

 

-Stopping and symptoms

 

First tapering using jewelry scale and titration. It took me two years.  I was so afraid, I am not sure if I had symptoms of withdrawal while tapering.  Anxiety by itself can be the source of all sorts of symptoms.  Anyway, I thought the landing wouldn’t be too bad since I had taken the tapering very slow.  Oh well !  Once I had finally and completely quit, I was rushed into an ordeal.  I have listed you the symptoms of withdrawal that hit me.  I want to reassure you, MOST OF THEM ARE GONE.  Even the tingling and nerve pain that lasted the longest (until a year ago).  I admit the size of this list is almost unbelievable.  On top of it, my timing was not exactly good as I had started menopause !  I dealt with it with Bioidentical hormone replacement therapy.  It helped a lot.  There is so much we can take at the same time…

Symptoms of withdrawal

 

• Regulation of emotions

• Burning thighs

• Overactive bladder

• Strange sensation on upper cheeks (like a draught)

• Face twitch

• Falling elevator like sensation in the head

• Fingers joint pain

• Insomnia

• Auditory hallucinations (like loud bangs)

• Light headed

• Feeling I was going to faint

• Sensation of brain moving in my skull

• Muscle locked in spasm

• Panic attack

• Deep pain in legs

• Exercise intolerance

• Involuntary tightening of the ribs

• Electricity like sensation throughout the body

• Head pressure

• Fog

• Fatigue

• Anxious thoughts and OCD

• Depression

• Stomach pain

• GI problems

• Neck pain and stiff neck (felt like I could not rest my head on the pillow)

• Eyes pain and itchy eyes

• Numbness

• Heat intolerance

• Sweating

• Tinnitus (always had them but got very strong)

• Butterflies in the stomach

• Lump in the throat

• Crying spell

• Mood swing

• Suicide ideation

• Coffee like sensation (like I had too much)

• Feet Pain

• Cold feet

• Needle like sensation when showering

• Hypersensitivity to light and noise

• Tingling sensation in foot and hands

• Nerve pain

 

- Making it through

 

Benzobuddies helped me a lot especially in believing what was happening to me. I was not crazy !  I felt so bad for so long, I couldn’t tell what was Benzo related or not.  I could relate to other buddies in terms of the symptoms that were hitting me.  Like many others I thought I had multiple sclerosis, Lyme disease and other diseases I was researching…

 

I am going to tell you what made a difference for me.  But these are not recommendation.  I was a bit irritated at the time when my benzo fellows were saying you have to or you must not to.  I think that we are all different and that we have to experiment for ourselves what is best to make it through withdrawal.

 

I’ll start with supplements and other things.  I have tried lots of things, vitamins, herbs etc.  They have never been of any help.  I think time is the healer when it comes to psychotropic drugs.  There is only one thing that made a difference but I started taking it after four years after quitting.  I am talking about CBD oil (no THC).  That helped with the resistant tingling resistant symptoms.  But again, I can’t say with a 100% certainty that it is the CBD that got rid of that symptoms.  Maybe it was just time…Who knows.  Or maybe that is sleeping who helped with the healing.  Yes, because CBD also helped with the pain but mainly with my sleep.  Note that even before Benzo, I had never been a sleeper. This is a radical change for me and for that reason, I’ll remain on CBD a while. 

 

Alcohol !  Oh boy ! You won’t hear me tell you drink or don’t drink.  I confess I was tired of hearing all  those buddies advocate the prohibition of any alcohol consumption.  This decision is only up to you.  We can’t tell exactly what it does.  Does it impair healing ?  Maybe.  Maybe just momentarily.  Anyway, I never stopped drinking during withdrawal.  I am not a heavy drinker. My husband and I use to have 2 or 3 drinks on Friday and Saturday nights and It was important to continue to have a normal life with my husband.  I could have cut down a bit though.  Does it taste good and does it feels good while withdrawing ?  Not much !  Do you feel like crap the following day ?  In my case Yes I did !  So I could have refrained and had less that is for sure !  Would have I healed faster ?  I can’t tell and I’ll stop here because I don’t know more. 

 

Now, here is what really helped me go through those rough years.  A dog ! The first day I took my last benzo was our last day on a trip.  That is when we found this adorable abandoned black baby dog.  My husband and I took her on the plane back home and she became my first project.  I raised her and she instantly became my walking partner.  I would walk in the limit of my capacities.  At first, even a short walk was tiring me to the point I would feel like fainting (I never did).  But I never stopped and I am now exercising normally.  I am even in better shape than all my friends…And still walk everyday with my now 6 years old gentle Labrador mix.

 

Action, action, action.  I would always have a project in sight.  Preparing a trip, making those trips, learning photography, moving, making new friends, writing a book, improving my skiing skills.  I was lucky to never have lost my concentration.  I only worked part time which helped deal with the symptoms.  I was suffering like hell but still kept myself busy with lots of stuff and never refused and invitation.  It was hard and demanding but at least my life continued and I didn’t feel like I lost all those years.  I would always feel better when suffering in a nice decor or with a good friend !

 

I have been blessed to count on the unfailing support of my husband.  He believed me, encouraged me, continued loving me.  He was there on my darkest days, cooking me my favorite meals or taking me out so I could distract myself.  I also could count on the support of my good old friends.  Note that I would tell them how I feel but remained overall positive and engaged in doing fun things with them.  I didn’t want to feel like a burden to them.

 

Meditation helped me with the pain. I am still practicing it.  Doing it toward the end of the afternoon gives me the energy to go on with the rest of the day.

-Epilogue

 

I am in no way a reborn.  Some buddies mention they feel better than ever after they are done with benzos.  Personally I would say I feel… different.  My body and my life are overall different.  What started has pain located in certain parts of my body became more generalized (fibro type of pain).  I  remain very hypersensitive to any stimulus and movement.  Although it is not clear in my mind if I was already like that before benzo…It is useless to try to untangled the origins and current sources of symptoms when living with pain and anxiety.

 

Maybe there is still more room for healing. Again I am not sure.  But the most persistent and annoying symptoms, the fog and the burning and tingling sensation went away.   

 

I know some buddies mention they have PTSD  resulting from the use of Benzos.  I do have it but it is more related to the pain.  Each and every unusual sensations in my body causes me lots of anxiety and contribute to keep my thorax squeezed like there was a tight belt under my breast.  I sometime have a break but exercising wakes up body sensations (which is normal) that my emotional brain interprets like a threat (like I should avoid to get pain at all costs since it brought to much sufferings…)  I know it seems counterintuitive but I have decided to persevere since exercising give me lots of strength and energy to cope with the pain and the anxiety.  It also great for the mood !  Plus, I am not going to deny my active and adventurous nature…The good news is that overtime, I do more with less pain.

 

In a perfect world, we would eliminate all sources of stress when withdrawing.  Unfortunately, life goes on and one thing that is for sure is that we will have to deal with stuff that is not fun over the years while healing.  I had my fair share of family issues (members going through addiction problems). It was difficult to regulate my emotions and I hated myself for that.    I think regulation of emotions  is the most difficult aspect to deal with.  Finding helpful tools without being hard on oneself is also difficult but necessary.  We can’t ignore current buddies have to deal with the restrictions that is imposed on us and maybe with Covid itself.  It might makes the whole process even harder being either sick or deprived from the presence of friends and family.

 

You might be a recent buddies or a “protracted” buddies, but remember that time takes time and no one can predict how each of us, body and soul, will react to withdrawal.  Boring it is true, but the best way to make it through is action, experimentation and…acceptance.

 

Good luck to all of you,

Edou 

 

Thanks for coming back to share your story!  Our list of symptoms and timeline look similar.  Grateful to know you're through the worst of it.  Oh, and I'm emerging from this during peri-menopause also.  Fun - NOT !

 

Wishing you the best!

WR

Thank you so much for telling your story.  Your courage and determination are inspiring.

thanks for sharing your efforts! take care!

Edou I’m happy for you. May you and your family ( including your walking buddy) continue to enjoy life together. Thank you for sharing!

Thanks for sharing this very honest assessment. After you get off benzos, life will not then be blissfully happy with no more pain for the rest of your life. Life will always have stressors and challenges. The trick is learning how to cope w/o reverting back to taking psychotropic drugs like benzos.

 

I try to eat a really healthy diet and exercise daily in hopes of preventing other medical problems and diseases from developing. Benzos are not the only cause of everything that ails you. You have to get off these drugs, recover from that, and then take really good care of yourself going forward. If you are eating poorly, sleeping poorly, never exercising, still smoking, drinking too much, etc....you are never going to feel good even after getting off the benzos.

 

The biggest cause of pain, disability, disease, and premature death in the US is eating SAD or the Standard American Diet.

Thank you for sharing with us! And thank you also for your advice and good wishes.  Continue to heal and feel well!

 

The tight ribs is unbearable

Also, congratulations