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My First "Normal" Holiday Season in 3 Years!


[La...]

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Dear Benzo Buddies,

 

Most of you don't know me as I was on the forum a while back.  Just wanted to stop by and give some encouragement to those of you who feel as hopeless as I did.

 

I was on Xanax for over 10 years.  In 2006 I was in real bad shape but didn't realize it was benzo tolerance withdrawal.  I started researching prescription med side effects and realized I was in deep trouble.  I first weaned off my antidepressant (had been on and off ads for 15 years) too quickly and suffered.  After a while I decided to tackle the benzo.  I went from 3 mgs of xanax/day down to 1.5 mg in a few months.  It took me down so hard and it took me another year to taper off 1.5 mgs.  It was hell all the way down.  Agoraphobic, paranoid,major anxiety/panic attacks, intrusive/obsessive thoughts, suicide ideation (called a hotline once), derealization, severe depression, etc. as well as a mess of physical symptoms.  The mental stuff really got to me.  I remember looking out the window at the wind blowing throught the tree branches and it looked like a cold gray horror movie to me.  Yep.....I was scared of the flippin wind.  It was like a being on a never-ending bad LSD trip.  I was constantly questioning my sanity and many times I really didn't think I would make it. 

 

It's been 14 months since my taper and things are so much better.  In May my husband and I moved back to southern CA from NJ.  I thought I wouldn't survive the move at times but I did.  We had a small Thanksgiving get-together and I even enjoyed Christmas at my cousin's with a bunch of family and friends.  This is such a blessing because the last few years' holidays I was secluded in my house feeling so hopeless.  I couldn't even be with my own family...I was that bad.

 

I am still dealing with some post benzo issues like fatigue and insomnia.  I'm also still extra sensitive to stress but at least I'm not afraid of the wind anymore!  For those of you who feel hopeless, please hang in there.  Believe me you won't always feel this bad.

 

Special thanks to all of you Benzo Buddies who supported me during my benzo ordeal....,the biggest challenge of my life.

Layla

 

 

 

I

 

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Hey Layla! :smitten:

 

You're so sweet to come back and post your story, thank you!  I've wondered how you've been doing, I'm so pleased to hear things are so much better for you.  We shared some rough moments when you were hurting didn't we?  Posting your Success Story is so important, you know how many people cling to the words they see on these pages.

 

Thank you, thank you for letting us know how you're doing.

 

Pam

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Dear Layla,

 

Thank you SO much for coming back and sharing your story with us.  It means so much to those of us still suffering to see these success stories.  I am so happy for you that you are feeling better and participating in life again.  You have come so far.  And it is absolutely wonderful you were able to enjoy the holidays with family again.

 

I can really relate to what you said:  "This is such a blessing because the last few years' holidays I was secluded in my house feeling so hopeless.  I couldn't even be with my own family...I was that bad."  That is where I'm at now and the holidays of 2006 are the last time I was feeling decent and able to really participate in life.  I've been holed up in my house sick and miserable on the meds and now in withdrawal/recovery for so very long.  You start feeling so hopeless, and I really needed to hear the fact that you were there, too, and now you are improving so much....knowing we can overcome and have quality of life again.  It gave me hope that even though it's been years, perhaps I'm on the last leg of this difficult journey.  And the coolest part is reading this on New Year's Eve.....it gives me hope that better days are ahead for the new year.

 

Thanks again for coming back and posting.  :)  I wish you much continued healing -- I am sure in 2011 you will see your remaining symptoms continue to fade and disappear. 

 

Sweet

 

 

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Dear Benzo Buddies,

 

I remember looking out the window at the wind blowing throught the tree branches and it looked like a cold gray horror movie to me.  Yep.....I was scared of the flippin wind.  It was like a being on a never-ending bad LSD trip.  I was constantly questioning my sanity and many times I really didn't think I would make it. 

 

 

hi Layla,

Thank you so much for your post, it's very encouraging to read.  I can so relate to what you wrote above..during this past year i've been afraid, literally, of my own shadow.  It's so crazy where this process can take us and it's so evident that you're on the other side, able to look back with a little bit of humor even.  It's just so helpful to see examples of how bad it was, and how healing is still possible.  happy new year!

Jes

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The mental stuff really got to me.  I remember looking out the window at the wind blowing throught the tree branches and it looked like a cold gray horror movie to me.  Yep.....I was scared of the flippin wind.  It was like a being on a never-ending bad LSD trip.  I was constantly questioning my sanity and many times I really didn't think I would make it. 

 

i know what you mean!  i felt very similarly.  i am 2 1/2 months free and much better but not 100%.  can't wait to be at that point where i can write my success story.  thank you so much for posting yours and have an excellent 2011!  :thumbsup:

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Thankyou Layla , for posting your success story , it is you and others like you that give us still tapering , or still suffering but benzo free  hope and insparation,  i a so pleased for you and wish you lots of happyness as you continue to get better and better        much love from jewels      :smitten:      :yippee:
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Thank you Layla for coming back and sharing your success story!!

 

It is wonderful to hear that you are doing so well and enjoyed the Holidays again.

 

Wishing you continued healing in the New year  :)

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