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First Responders (Fire/EMS/Law Enforcement/Dispatch)


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#103. That was the number inscribed in leather on my helmet. #103. The number I wore proudly on the badge on my chest. #103. The number I earned after I passed a grueling probationary period and earned the trust of the men and women around me. #103. The number that represented a man who dedicated his life to his profession. #103. Firefighter/Paramedic. #103 is no longer in service.

 

Since I was a little boy I wanted to be a firefighter. I got the degrees, the certifications. I spent years in school getting my associates in Fire Science and in Emergency Medicine. I got my medic license/ my critical care license/ my flight medic license, HAZMAT Tech cert… you name it I got it. I lived to serve the people of my community. But it all came with a devastating price. A price so many in the profession pay. You see everyone in this profession has acronyms behind there name. For example NREMT-P/ FP-C/ ACLS/ PALS/ PHTLS/ AMLS/ ASLS/ ABLS/ etc,, etc.. but the acronym no one wants to talk about, the acronym plaguing this  line of work, the acronym responsible for more deaths in the fire service and law enforcement than anything else… that acronym is PTSD.

 

The leading cause of death in the fire service/ law enforcement/ EMS is suicide. Not fire, not bullets, suicide. What’s even scarier is everyone in these lines of work knows it… and nothing is being done. So I’m going to share a bit of my story and maybe it will help you share yours.

 

The first call I ever went on fresh out of medic school and brand new on the dept was a motor vehicle accident on the highway. Upon arrival to the scene I step out of the back of the unit and there was a human leg laying on the road. A semi had collided head on with a mini van ripping the van and the passenger in the seat of the van in half. Now this might sound crazy but I did my job and when the call was over that adrenaline rush felt so good. No I’m not a monster, I did feel terrible for the victim and the victims family, but also inside that mini van was a 4 yr old and I saved her life. First call, first save. I thought to myself “I did it, I did what I was trained to do and I saved a life.

 

Over the years there would be hundreds and hundreds more of these types of calls. Calls that I can close my eyes and see as clear as the day they happened. Suicides of every kind/ murders/ rapes/ severe trauma from car wrecks to farm equipment accidents, severe burns, electrocutions, drownings, you name it these eyes have seen it. From newborns to 100 yr olds. The body count just kept climbing. It got to the point where we would go on a serious call, let’s say gun shot wound to the face, and my heart rate wouldn’t even increase. I felt nothing. Let me say that again. I felt nothing. The adrenaline rush was gone, the emotions were gone, I was dead inside. What’s even worse is my wife and children… they saw it too.

 

I started having these weird episodes in the middle of the night where my wife would wake me. I’d be crying, or screaming, or shaking and I didn’t  even realize what was happening. Then the nightmares began to take shape in my mind. Suddenly I was reliving these moments. I’d drive past a place where we had a call and I’d see the face or faces of the dead. The little boy in the river who drowned I couldn’t save, the father and son who burned up in the garage I couldn’t save, the 20 yr old who shot himself I couldn’t save, the 10 yr old who hung herself from the ceiling light I couldn’t save,  the dad, the mom, the daughter, the sister, the entire family wiped out in a car wreck I couldn’t save. Suddenly it all came crashing down on me. I couldn’t save them, they never survive. That’s an ugly ugly truth in this profession is that no matter how many certifications you have, no matter how much schooling and training you have, no matter how good or how many years in the job you have…. People die everyday and when it’s there time there is nothing you can do to stop it. Nothing. When this realization hit me it was over.

 

I began having horrific panic attacks. The tones would drop and my heart would race. I wouldn’t sleep. We worked 24 hours on 24 hours off. I wouldn’t sleep at work, I wouldn’t sleep at home. I quickly deteriorated. I ended up in the psychiatric ward. This is where I was diagnosed with PTSD and given my first taste of Xanax. At first it was a miracle drug. I could take the pills and I was a fully functioning FF/medic again. My nerves were as calm as could be. I was back!! Year after year I kept taking them, and when the nightmares came back, or the nerves came back, I simply upped my dose through my doctor. Soon enough I was on 6 mg Xanax a day. Completely functional. Fighting fires, running EMS calls, 6 mg’s a day for years and I was 100% functional. But one day it all came crashing down. I was on shift and a call came in. A call so horrific I don’t even want to speak of it.

 

After returning to station I sat and stared at the computer to do my report and I was flooded with years of pent up emotions, years of pain and sadness. I knew right then and there I was done. I crumbled. I called my wife and cried and cried. I got off shift and went home and cried and cried. I couldn’t go back. The Xanax didn’t work anymore, I was broken. I fell into a depression unlike anything I had ever faced. The job I loved. The job I lived for. My whole identity. It had slowly been suffocating me. I could no longer breathe. I knew I had to go. Go now or you won’t be around any longer. Go now or leave your children without a father, a wife without a husband. My wife wanted me back. My wife deserved to have me back. I deserved to have me back.

 

I called my battalion chief and put in my resignation. I worked one last set and I walked away. I went to my doctor and told her I want off this poison. I needed to feel again. I needed to face these demons. I needed to unpack a decades worth of trauma. I needed to fight like hell for my wife, my children, for myself. So I began the process. I’m slowly stepping down off Xanax and I’m slowly learning to cope with my emotions. I’m slowly learning to feel again and confront emotions head on. I’m slowly learning to sleep through the night again. I’m slowly learning that it’s okay to not be okay, that it’s okay to fall apart, that not everyday is going to be perfect and that’s okay. I’m looking for new work. We sold our house and have moved into something smaller that we can afford on my wife’s income while I heal.

 

I’m in the fire fight of my life right now but I’m going to make it. I’ve got to make it. Day by day, hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute. But I can tell you as hard as this is and as scary as this is, I know that even when it doesn’t feel like it, and believe me these withdrawals are damn convincing, but even when it doesn’t feel like it, I’m getting better every single day. And you, you are too.

 

This is crazy long, and if you made it this far, well thanks for hanging in there. I’d love to hear your story. As a former first responder there’s nothing I haven’t seen. So if you need to talk about a scene, or a particular call I’m here. I have felt the same. Hopefully over time there will be more of us. Hopefully we can heal together. 

 

 

Edited for format

 

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I'm not a first responder and while I've heard some statistics about these professions, I had no idea about the suffering you see and the suffering you endure on a personal level. 

 

I'm so impressed with your willingness to do what it takes and for taking this step for yourself and your family, you've given enough and it's time to save your own life.

 

I can feel your commitment, your determination and your courage and know you'll be successful. 

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First of all, thank you for all you have done, for so many years, to help others. 

 

Your story is so powerful, sad and at the same time hopeful. You've done what needed to be done so that you could be whole again, present in this life and the lives of your family.

 

You'll do this, it may take time, but you've got the time to get it done. 

 

Let us know how we can help, you are not alone in this process.

 

pianogirl  :smitten:

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My heart goes out to you and your family.

 

You are very smart and have made great progress reducing your benzo.

 

I will follow this post.  If you need help, please ask.  I am good at explaining math.

 

Bob

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Hello #103

I have tears streaming down my cheeks. You express yourself very well. Yes, thank you for all you've done. My brother is a 1st responder and have always wished he'd share more with me. I see myself as opposite of him, crumble in the face of trauma and disaster. I did not know suicide is so prevalent in this field. Congratulations on being able to rearrange your life to heal and BE with your family. I do have anxiety about trauma ... and have been affected by various traumas in my life and of loved ones.

 

So glad you're here, this site has been a wonderful place of connection and support while I got off my meds. Anti-anxiety meds are so tempting when facing trauma. I was lucky to have 2 doctors tell me they aren't something I want to be on.

 

I hope you will be able to grieve and also experience joy during your healing process.

 

Kachina :smitten:

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Thank you all for the replies. In a lot of ways I only have myself to blame. The warning signs were there, and as a highly trained medical provider I knew the risks associated with benzos. I had a choice to make and that choice was self medicate and continue to do the job I love or walk away and try and redefine myself. For years I chose to self medicate. The fear of losing the income, the benefits, that huge sense of pride in what I do, even the fact that all of my degrees and certifications are geared towards fire and medicine made walking away seem impossible. I knew I was headed for disaster but felt I had no way out. I am very lucky to have a family that is so supportive and a wife willing to carry the weight until I get back on my feet. I'm also very lucky to have found all of you. Having people to talk to about things like this is truly a blessing. So again thank you all for your responses. 
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Hey #103

 

We ALL kept taking our meds to cope, we all got sucked in. But, self-blame is not helpful! We must have compassion for ourselves!! We have to be in the present moment and move forward, we cannot go back and change what was. You WILL make a new life and career for yourself ... healing will bring that. It brought it for me and I really didn't expect it to. My life off meds is so much better.

 

So how is your taper going???? How are you doing today?

 

I was so scared to start my taper and thought it'd be impossible and that I'd never learn to sleep again. I too had to leave my career path and crumble. The symptoms I suffered from for so long took me down. I didn't want to, but someone convinced me to apply for disability and I got it. That has helped me have hope for rebuilding my life. Keep getting support my friend, there is SO MUCH waiting for you, not just on the other side of your taper but during it as well.

 

You will always be the person you ARE!! A true hero, look what you gave, the cup is half full and half empty! Own your successes because they are there!

 

Anyway those are my Friday morning thoughts on your posts and hope to hear more from you. You know what else helped me? My dog!!!

 

Kachina

 

 

 

 

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Hey Kachina,

 

Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate that. Sometimes it's tough not to blame yourself. Especially when you see it coming and just let it happen.

My taper is very tough. I go through about 10-15 days of pretty serious withdrawals and then I level out for 5-6 days and drop again. Im on day 12 of 2.25 mg's and on day 21 I drop to 2 mg's. My doc is pretty good about me upping my dose if I have a really bad day/night with breakthrough panic attacks. Last night was pretty rough with nightmares so I took a little extra. I have found that when steeping down it's easier for me to have a range I can stay between. So I'm at 2.25 but I can go up to 2.75 if I have too. Im pretty strong willed so I only have to do that 1 or 2 times each step down. Its as if the withdrawal symptoms build up and then I take an extra dose and it levels me out and I can keep moving forward. I'm thinking about once I get to 2 mg's holding for the holidays. I'd rather not be fighting this during "the most wonderful time of the year"  ;)

Plus I'm still battling these demons, I've got a lot of healing to do and need to respect the fact that I do have a mental illness. So coming off of these medications without the proper tools in place would only end up with me being put on more medications. I'd rather not have to do that, so I'm taking my time.

 

p.s. my dogs are the best therapists.

 

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Thanks for sharing your story.  First Responders are very brave people.  I had just completed a course in Advanced First Aid and Emergency Care decades ago when I came upon an auto accident.  Head on collision at 60mph.  It's a scene that I'll never forget.  I tried to help the one lady in the one car with the skills I had learned and I don't know if she lived or died. 
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Wow - you are a good writer.  I think writing could be your new career.  You are doing really well - I know there will be times where you don’t feel like you are - but trust me - you are. Tapering is the best way to go - slow & steady.  You got this.
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WOW Becks!!! That's intense, good for you!

 

#103, YES a long hold helped me when I needed it. I feel like tapering low and slow literally saved my life. By the way I am back to working part time now in a new career that came to me unexpectedly.

 

I was trying to understand your signature, do you mean you went from 2mg @ 3 times a day through Sept and now you're already down to 2.25 @ 1 a day? That's a really big jump in just a month and a half.

 

Well, very glad you have your doctor's support. And multiple dogs!! And a family who loves and supports you! I trust you're in counseling too and I just want to tell you that things will change ... you will get better! Is there a support group for first responders? Seems that would be awesome. I was in a 3-month support group by Zoom this past Spring and between that, this site and my counselor and being off work I made a lot of progress.

 

You are getting better. On the note of being articulate, articulating the trauma in my life has helped me, it's not pleasant but connection and support mean EVERYTHING. During my taper I came on to this site most days to the main thread I followed, I felt buoyed by others ... and now that I'm off meds  still feel connected and this site is important to me. Because out there in the world is a world of benzo and Z drug users and providers not knowing how it can hurt us. Denial can be pretty seductive.

 

I agree with Bess, you're a great writer, so keep sharing with us, I enjoy reading your posts!  :smitten:

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Thank you for sharing your story, it is valuable and important. Your story is so honest and thourough, and people in your situation will benefit from it.

 

First responders, military veterans, and medical professionals  like yourself have a passion for helping. You had no idea, as most don't, that the job would so traumatize you that you would become a victim of your own trauma serving others in desperate and horrible situations. This is absolutely not your fault, and the steps of the onset of PTSD are all explained very well. Numbness and anhedonia were your brain acting in self defense to keep you from breaking down psychologically. However, trauma can not be pushed aside. Once repressed, which happens to all victims of PTSD, it shows up in other ways. It moves in to the subconscious, and then come the nightmares, the panic attacks, the depression, getting triggered and reliving calls you had been on.

 

I am glad you recognized that you had to leave your job, although I am sure you felt horrible about it. My friend, you gave everything you had to give. To go any further would of destroyed you. You acted wisely, and it is imperative that you recognize that you saved yourself by leaving just as you saved others in your daily work. You are just as important as every victim you came across, and need just as much  care as they do and did.

 

I hope and encourage you to get quality care for your PTSD. Perhaps you already are. That seems to me almost more important than getting off xanax. Find the right people who can help you navigate your way to peace, and teach you how to live with what you have experienced.  Find therapists who do not prescribe medication. Those are the people who will help you.

 

When it comes to xanax, you did nothing wrong, just followed very poor medical advice and find yourself here now. This is not your fault, none of it.  You are in benzodiazepine withdrawal, it has nothing to do with addiction, but rather the brain becoming dependent on it. It is physiological, not psychological.  And your progress in  your taper astounds me.

 

I am humbled and awed by you. You are incredible.

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
Wow your story is so amazing and I wish you the best of luck and thank you for your service. I too am a first responder and I never had issues with the things I saw but when I contracted Covid it changed my health and I was diagnosed with anxiety and ptsd. It all started out with insomnia after Covid and I was put on benzos to help calm me down. I wish maybe one day we can talk about our experiences
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