Back to bed! Wish me luck!

I have been all over the map with my sleep! 8 hours, zero hours, 5 hours and the last 3 nights have been back to 0 to 3 hours. I have a potential new job on the line and I can't work with insomnia let alone start a new job! I have been on disability for a few years because of anxiety and this is my chance to start making some actual money again. I am broke as a joke! I also would be relocating from WA to CA, north of San Diego.

 

With all that stress, I hope i can sleep tonight! When are the 8 hours EVERY night going to come? sheesh....

 

This is taking FOREVER! I am two weeks from jumping as well.

 

Good night! Pray for me.

HM,

 

2 things...sleep is going to be all over the map while you are still on a Benzo and even after you're off until things even out.  That's just the way it works for most (unfortunately) 

 

My sleep was all over the map after my cold turkey...with no rhyme or reason, but eventually it evened out for good

 

I was able to work while getting very little sleep and having a plethora of symptoms.  Everyone is different, but I believe we convince ourselves that since we didn't sleep much (or at all)

that we can't work.  I thought the same things until a Buddy on this site said why don't you try going in to work.  So I did.  In fact, I went in many times after zero nights and some times even after not sleeping for 3 nights in a row.  For me, it was better than sitting at home and wallowing in self pity.  And being at home only reinforced why I was at home and made things worse psychologically.

 

The way I looked at it was this:  If I was at home and not sleeping (and I couldn't fall asleep) and I was cleaning the house or watching TV, then I could be at work.

I'm in IT so I am mostly at a desk all day.  Going to work was tough, but better than being at home.  I never risked nodding off while driving either because I just couldn't sleep at that time

 

I have a co-worked who has bouts of insomnia not related to taking Benzos or any other Rx drugs.  He comes in all the time on zero sleep and does fine.

But you have to do what is best for you.

 

The 8 hour nights will most likely not come until you are off and then AFTER you heal and recover.

 

Good Luck!

 

 

 

Thanks for the reply, theway,

 

Last night was my 4th night in a row of 0 to 3 sleep. I got about 2.5 hours last night. That's the longest stretch of bad sleep I have had in the last couple months since my sleep started getting better. I am down to .2mg of Xanax a day. I jump in two weeks.

 

Thank you for the pep talk about working. This is a big deal to me. The difference between 1461 month and 5 or 6K a month.

 

HM

I'm pulling for the 5-6K a month for you....

 

You can do this.....2.5 hours of sleep is better than zero

 

When I get an off night every 3 or 4 months, I realize how grateful I am for the 6-8 hour nights I normally get every night. 

And my off nights usually are a 3-4 hour night, which back in the thick of my WD, would have been a "great" night of sleep

So it's all a matter of perspective..

 

I am confident that after you are off things will slowly get better.  They might get worse for awhile and it will most likely be UP and Down with windows and waves,

but eventually everything will even out!

 

 

HM, I just went back to work. I slept 23 hrs this week (that’s probably being generous)

 

U can work with insomnia. I am doing it. I’m learning a new role, I feel like a goldfish most days because it’s hard to retain new info but I’m taking a shit load of notes and I’m doing it.

 

My new boss just gave me a welcome card with $200 in it to say Thanku for my hard work and having such a great first week. So, I fooled them and faked it all the way thru 35 hrs.

 

U can do it too. X

I’m just going to be devil’s advocate a bit here only because I want to help you. I know this is hard, I’m 3 years in. I was all in it too for a long time, some days I still am.

 

But, counting the hours and talking about it here and all the insomnia threads is going to reinforce that anxiety about it honey. I know sometimes it’s good to feel u aren’t alone in it, but I promise u u aren’t alone, there’s lots of us. IMO tracking the hours and discussing it definitely won’t help you get better.

 

U need to try to get to a place where u go, ok, maybe tonight will be better. Because there is literally nothing u can do about last night, it’s over. Just do things today that might help u tonight. Then if they don’t, try again the next day. At the very least u will know u did everything u could, and that if it didn’t work it’s just that u need more time.

 

In this whole mess, I’ve never had an 8 hour night. Not once. I got 2 x 7 once when I was admitted to hospital last year with atrial fibrillation. So that’s like running a few marathons in a row coz my heart rate was like 150-180 bpm. It was pretty magical but look what my body went thru before it would give me a normal night of sleep.

 

I’m not saying I’m braver at all. I just had a cry this morning. But I have a cut off for crying now. 5am. No more after that, and I get on with my day.

 

Don’t feed the anxiety if u can help it. It’s bad enough having the insomnia. Give urself a break honey, ur doing better than u think x

Shayna and theway,

 

Thank you for the reply's. Theway: I appreciate you saying that you feel confidant it will get better. I am happy to hear that. I got ahead of myself and thought I was 'healed' because i had a few good nights but I still have a ways to go before I am can claim 'healed'.

Shayna: I hear you about tracking my hours of sleep etc. I don't keep a diary. I just come on here and talk about it to not feel alone, like you said. Insomnia is my biggest symptom followed by anxiety. I am happy for you that your new job is going so well! That's great:) I DO think you're tougher than me. Trying to focus at a job with very little sleep AND anxiety sounds hard to me but I might have an opportunity to increase my income significantly. I will say that when I do sleep 7 or 8 hours, I sometimes feel just as tired as if I had slept 2 or 3. I guess I just need to have several in a row to really feel good. When I started talking to the employer about the job, I was getting 5-ish hours a night with only a one night break here and there. I wasn't expecting to have a string of extremely low nights again. You're right, Shayna. I have no choice but to roll with it, no matter what, so I guess I will. I still like to come on here and hit the insomnia thread so I don't feel alone. It helps.

 

Theway: How long was your stretch of insomnia before you started feeling better? Shayna has been going on 3 years.

 

HM

If it helps you that’s good. I just think it’s good to try and break the fixation on it. I’m saying this having a really bad day myself. I’m not stronger than you at all. I’m just like you. I went back to work in an attempt to just fill my days so I’m not focusing on it at all. I don’t have time during the week to focus on it. So for that reason I think going back to work is a good thing. I’m just saying what have u got to lose? I went in with the attitude I’ll give it a go and hopefully it will work out. If I can’t do it I can’t do it. X

 

U are doing really well. X even if it doesn’t feel like it

 

 

This is all really good advice from some benzo insomnia veterans. I also was going to work on very little sleep. Sometimes even two or three days with 0 perceived sleep. Going back reviewing some of the projects I worked on during that time period, I’m really surprised at how few mistakes I made. It’s not easy, but you can for sure do it. Some advice is to try and prep everything before hand. Food packed, clothes out and ready to go. Anything you can do to set up everything the night before, should help. Mornings were of course the hardest. By around noon, the effects of the insomnia were less. I was still tired, but the fogginess of no sleep would dissipate.

 

I’d like to also add that it’s not too unusual to be very up and down with symptoms for a while. Eventually they will even out and you will have more dependable sleep.

Yep I agree with siggy. Getting out the door is the hardest part. By mid morning I’m ok. X

 

You can do this hm. We are here cheering u on x

Yup,

 

I concur with Siggy and Shayna

 

Getting out the door sucks, but by mid day I was in a much better mood

 

And the advice Shayna (and Siggy) gave was spot on.

 

I was told not to talk about sleep with anyone (not even family) and change the subject if necessary...also don't play the "victim"  Fake it till you make it...more or less.

It didn't cure my insomnia but made it easier to deal with.

 

 

Yep, no one except my immediate family knows about my insomnia. I actually am pretty sure I’ll be nominated for an Oscar at some point. 

I'm open about my insomnia. I am interviewing for another job that I like better. It is a software sales job that I can do from home. It would be the best job I have ever had. I am waiting for a call back from them. As far as my sleep, I appreciate all of you saying that you managed to function on very little sleep at work. I get a night of 7 hours and think I am healed and then it is right back to 2 hours again. Sheesh!

 

Thanks again, for the well wishes and the pep talk!

 

HM

HM,

 

Hoping you get the job.

 

Your sleep was identical to mine after it started to come back for me.  I'd get 5 or 6 hours and think I was healed too, then I'd get slammed with a zero night or a 1-2 hour night and think I had some unique form of insomnia that no one else had...

 

Insomnia caused by temporary Benzo damage never responds to CBT-i or sleep hygiene.  It can't because it's not psychological.  People that cannot sleep because they are stressed out about something can get relief through CBT-I and sleep hygiene.  I helped a guy I work with.  He said his mind would race when he'd go to bed and he thought about everything he had to do the next day.  I told him to write everything down, by hand, on a piece of paper with a pen/pencil before he went to bed, then he didn't have to worry about forgetting something the next day.  He told me he could fall asleep way faster.

 

Good luck

 

Hey theway,

 

Yeah. That is what it's like for me. I got about 4 hours last night. I feel OK if I get 4 or more hours. At least I can 'rest' better when I am in bed than I used to be able to so I look forward to bedtime if only so I can rest. I sure appreciate actual sleep though! I need more of it!

 

Slow, but sure.

 

Have a great day,

 

HM