Dating, New relationships

Hi buddies, I have been benzo free 14 months, but still fairly symptomatic.  However, I am trying to get back into the world again, and have begun dating.  I want to be real with someone I might date, but what do you guys think we need or should tell a perspective partner about the horror we have been thru, and why we feel terrible at times.  This mouth issue is ruining my life, I am trying like the dickens to ignore it, but cant, so how can u possibly explain that you cant talk today?  I do not wish benzo to take one more thing for me, I am ready to be human again, but am ashamed of my history, which includes several rehab or psych hospital stays.  Do we have to tell?  If so, when?  Right away?  So the other person can run away from us, or let them get involved, and then be maybe accused of being less than honest about ourselves?  Appreciate your ideas buddies.  STAR

I'd try to act as much like my old self as possible, faking it through this mess becomes second nature doesn't it?  I'd hate to see you lose anymore to the drug, so I'd keep as much of it to yourself as you can.  No matter how much he would like to understand what you've been through, he'll never know the true horrors, and you'll just get frustrated when he can't.  As with any new relationship, put your best foot forward and come up with plausible reasons for the state you're in.  When these reasons fade as you heal, they'll become a non issue, right?

Thanks Pam.  I know it probably sounded like a dopey question, but it honestly is not.  its almost like what would you tell a perspective employer.  I appreciate that you took it seriously.  STAR

If it helps any, the person you are going on a date with might have $30,000 in credit card debt. Who knows? I doubt you'll get this out of them in the first three dates. Don't condemn yourself. There are plenty of people who are willing to do it for you.

 

We all have a past and we all have things we don't like about ourselves. But you have to give yourself a chance before anyone else will.

Good point.  Thank you

Don't throw your pearls before swine. In my opinion, it would not be wise to divulge such things until you have a real friendship established with a fair amount of trust. I think at some point, if things go that far, you should be open about this part of your life. Be open about something else first and see how he responds. Does he, emboldened by your honesty, open up about some things himself? If not, then you probably don't want to pursue the relationship.

Star,

Not sure about pearls and swine but, I think you will know when and what to say to him when the time is right. Anyone that likes you isn't liking you for your past and who you were because, lets face it, we ALL have a past and things we are not proud of. If he cares enough for you, your past will not matter to him, only the future that you both have together.  It is not something I would bring up on the first date either. hehe   The right time will present itself and you will know what to say and how to say it.

 

The best thing you can do, is OWN this experience when you talk about it. Maybe try and explain it as a situation that helped you grow and learn. Explain it as something you are glad to have happened to make you see things clearer and appreciate life. People love a story or triumph and courage. Either way, don't worry, just be you and things will work out just fine.  

 

Chrisw

Why is it even a big deal? You're benzo free. Tell this person when you feel like it. Do you know how many people have taken benzos and how many have an ordeal getting off of them? Let it go. Tell this person when you feel like it. Don't beat yourself up.

I don't think we are required to tell anyone anything about our past unless it effects them directly.  Once you've gotten to know each other and you are talking about your sordid pasts, you can talk about your little ummm benzo adventure. 

If I was dating you and you came across as a strong, funny, warm, loving person and then I found out you'd gone through chemical hell, I wouldn't think, 'Why didn't you tell me sooner', I'd be flattered that you trusted me with something so painful and potentially embarrassing and personal'.  I'd be impressed that you had the strength to get through the experience.  If your partner doesn't receive it this way, he isn't good enough for you.  He'd be the kind of person who saw faults rather than strengths in overcoming them.  Who needs that kind of person in their life? 

Consider this a good way to test HIS character

haha chasing women keeps my hope alive 

haha chasing women keeps my hope alive 

 

It is really great. I would like to try online dating soon too, thanks for the thread here! I have just found some really cool and interesting [nobbc]teenage lesbian dating sites[/nobbc] which I think are pretty good. What do you think about those? Have a look there too, and let me know if they are good. Thanks for any advice and tips here!

 

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Dating someone can be difficult  if you didn't do it for a while. Some people are more natural than others. My dad lives in Canada and he was single for more than 10 years! Can you imagine that?! I was all the time trying to find him a new girlfriend but every time I mentioned that he would build a wall. I think it was beginning of this year when I came to visit him and took my new BF with. My dad and my BF came along very quick  and they liked to chat in the evening with a bottle of wine. One morning my bf is telling me that a night before him and my dad where checking some [nobbc]seniors dating sites ca[/nobbc] and they are going to register him on one of those. One part of me was extremely happy for him and the other one was asking myself how my BF (a stranger to my dad actually) did in few days the thing I was trying to do for years? Anyways, he spend some time on the some dating platform, went to a couple of dates and met a nice lady in the park.

 

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Have the Dr. check your hormone levels.  Mine were so far out normal range that they had to run the test twice. It took A BUNCH of HRT to get me back to normal ranges.  That was 51% of my problems that I blamed on benzo's.  Sometimes its not directly the benzo's you can blame for everything bad.  Other things can change and they need to be dealt with separately.  After HRT I lost 50 pounds and felt 20 years younger. It's good to feel like I'm 105 years old again,,,   (kidding )