So i finally made it a year, and i'm better, but not that much better. I still don't feel like doing anything, i want to, but i just won't. I procrastinate, and think negative about the outcomes of my life, my future, health, and economy. I hate this world, and cannot live with myself anymore.
I'm not suicidal or anything, and i'm not tortured anymore from benzos, i had little to no symptoms in withdrawal, and came out fine. But my deppression didn't get any better, it became worse, because after quitting benzos i became aware of my underlying issues.
I was young when starting this medicine abuse journey, i used antipsychotics for 2 years from age 17 which made me a useless human. They were given to me irresponsibly, and i hate the psychiatry because of that. I have anxiety of being forever permanently damaged thanks to those drugs, which should've been safe. From age 20 i abused klonopin, xanax and valium. Klonopin really messed me up from only 14 days of use. I got the typical benzo withdrawals and PAWS. Was almost healed around 8 month mark, but me being a 21 yr old and being a reckless idiot started using Valium mostly 40mg a day for almost 4 years.
I think my type of use is extreme since me being young. I've also been a heavy stoner in my teenage years, experimenting with drugs. I still sometimes recreationally might use LSD,shrooms or DMT. I haven't been mentally on prime to use them any much though. I make sure to be careful with drugs, and i'm minimizing them lately. Recently quit doing coke every month. Only smoke cannabis everyday atm now, and have few beers in the Weekends.
The problem is i cannot bring myself to do anything or enjoy anything. I'm jobless, and i'm too afraid to start a job after being such a waste in my life lmao. I'm feeling tired, like psychologically, maybe it's deppression, but i don't feel sad. I feel unable to have any willpower left in me, after quitting the benzos. I felt good on the benzos, if not the best i've been, but that gave me the opposite effect. 1 year later, and i'm feeling useless, and cannot get myself out of this rut.
I started smoking weed every day because after trying for a year to do anything with my life, weed became a band aid for my lonliness. I don't seek friendships or relationships either, just some belonging or life's magic back again..
What is this? I'm feeling like i'm becoming a shitty person, if i don't get to fixing this act of not doing anything with my life, but without a benzo, I'm too uncomfortable to even live. You get me?
I feel destroyed deep down from wrecking a havoc on my life, my body and my brain. I'm feeling like i've worn out from this emotional damage, and i'm ashamed of my loss. It sounds like a drug addiction, but it's more than that. I can't look at relatives the same way i used to after this.