Does this ever end? Why do my thoughts tell me I will be like this forever...

Hello there,

 

I wonder if this "nightmare" will ever really end.  I am 9 months off a one year taper of 1mg Xan crossover to 15mg Val.  My last .5mg of Val was on December 12, 2020.  All through my taper it was pretty good as I tried to enjoy my life the best as I could (lots of windows).  Throughout my taper though I had some residual symptoms nothing really bad to complaing about.  Last month around August 3 I got hit with a horrible wave (flu like symptoms, agitation, PTSD sort of thoughts, guilt, paranoia, intrusive negative thoughts, fear, with some minimal physical symptoms like twitching, faster than normal heart rate which fluctuates from morning/day to evening).  These symptoms have been off and on.  3 days with most of those symptoms (not 24/7) and then 4 days good (not full window), but good enough to enjoy.  This has been the pattern now since August.  I'm so disheartened and saddened by this stupid pill but I try really hard to push those thoughts away.  Of course, if I am down that's not something I can control.  I just let it ride even though I HATE THIS.  I just wanted to share that I am experiencing very much the same things.  All I can say, is that we are off those poisons so WE MUST BE HEALING.  At least, I am praying but I think we are.  I'm here if you want to chat.

 

Warm regards,

Mar

Hey Mar.  I am in my 10th month off a 2 month taper.  I too wonder if this will end.  Healing is happening but it is really slow.  REALLY slow.  I still have tons of symptoms tho I can function now enough to work and enjoy life when not in waves.  No one seems to really know why we feel great for weeks even months and then get hit with massive waves.

 

I am not yet freaking out about it, well maybe a little, because I’ve seen a lot of folks heal between 9 and 18 months.  I’ve also seen a smaller retrospective study (benzosupport.org) that said 67% heal at 12 months and nearly 90% heal at 24 months.  There is still hope for us. 

JBen,

 

I am ditto everything you said.  It's exactly where I'm at and how I feel.  You couldn't have described it any better.  When I'm feeling this way (I guess a wave), my brain tells me I will never get out of this feeling this time.  It tells me it's permanent and I can't remember the good times.  My mind/brain won't let me.  I have to really really talk to myself and say SNAP out of that kind of thoughts.  It's the withdrawals.  Damn these withdrawals from this stupid drug is so STRONG.  I am here if you want to talk.  I'm working from home 3 days a week but go into the office 5 days starting October 4.  Ugggghhhh how do I hide these horrible symptoms?  I just hate everyone but that's so not who I am when in a window.  Isn't this so shitty? 

 

Mar

Hi,

 

This is what we call the top benzo lie.  This happens to almost everyone who goes through this.  Must be due to the immense suffering we endure especially in the beginning of this journey.

 

Peace to each of you.  We will heal.  Stay positive. 

 

Hingie

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=87594.0

I am sorry you are all suffering. I am with you.

 

Interestingly enough, I am somewhere around 9-12 months off (I can’t really remember because I lost all memory for the last year) and now I’ve had the exact same flu like symptoms occur with worsening of other symptoms.. this whole ordeal seems to have a healing pattern of its own and I wonder why the flu like symptoms are so common.

 

Much healing to you all. I really do hope we all get better sooner rather than later!

32 months off still feel like crap. Been trying Bach flower remedy made feel,I'm in acute again. Loosing hope a bit!!

I'm actually feeling much better.  I beleive that I'm back in a window - thankfully.  Just very hard to understand when these severe waves come crashing in when you think you've basically healed.  I definitely belive that I am healing and think that when severe symptoms hit that it means when going back into a window we feel better and symptoms are leaving. 

 

We all heal.  I have to learn to be patient. 

 

Take care.

Mar

Please don't give up. You will surely get back to normal soon. 

Nope never gonna give up.  I'm back in a window.  Rollercoaster ride for sure but I know I'm healing.  I'm so grateful to be 9 months off.  Yes!  Thank you.

I 100% understand your feelings here and struggle with the whole idea of "Will this ever end?" the longer it lasts. I'm at 30 months, and similar to Leann I have been dealing with acute-like waves lately that are definitely soul crushing and make me feel like this is just how I will be from now on and I will have to deal with it. Anytime my symptoms flare up, I blame myself for something I did, something I ate, etc. and obsessively worry over setting myself back and making this take longer than it needs to. Old symptoms coming back really feeds into that narrative. All I can say is, we have to remember the people who have come before us that have healed and that even if it takes a long time, it will eventually end. Hope you all feel better soon!

Nope never gonna give up.  I'm back in a window.  Rollercoaster ride for sure but I know I'm healing.  I'm so grateful to be 9 months off.  Yes!  Thank you.

 

Glad for you! What does your window look like?

I 100% understand your feelings here and struggle with the whole idea of "Will this ever end?" the longer it lasts. I'm at 30 months, and similar to Leann I have been dealing with acute-like waves lately that are definitely soul crushing and make me feel like this is just how I will be from now on and I will have to deal with it. Anytime my symptoms flare up, I blame myself for something I did, something I ate, etc. and obsessively worry over setting myself back and making this take longer than it needs to. Old symptoms coming back really feeds into that narrative. All I can say is, we have to remember the people who have come before us that have healed and that even if it takes a long time, it will eventually end. Hope you all feel better soon!

 

Such a good reminder. Thank you!

When ever a wave or symptoms gets worse I obsess over what have I done, never remembering that in the end it’s not in my hands and I can’t control every little detail. (I tend not to drink or eat anything that would worsen this either, so I should remember this more often.) This healing pattern is just quite discouraging as it has no rhyme or reason and the brain is designed for problem solving. This experience certainly has made me think how little one can really control life.

Good morning all,

 

My window is not 100% like I would hope it to be but it is certainly at a level where I can enjoy my life by going out to dinner, take a 1 1/2 hour bus trip to get to my sister's home, enjoy the weekends doing mani/pedi/massage, shopping, tanning, bike riding, walking around the city, etc.  The two horrific waves that I experienced one in my 8 month which lasted 3 days, and the other in my 9 month which I experienced for about 2 days were so out of the blue and just as horrible as acute.  My acute withdrawals were HELL and TORTURE.  Moaning, crying, and could not leave my apartment due to unimaginable fear, OCD, negative thoughts, crusing depression, nausea, loss of appetite, etc.  It's truly mind boggling to me how one can go from that to windows where you can once again enjoy life.  Such a unexplainable journey.  Anyway, I'm just so glad and grateful to be feeling good and know that each time I have symptoms it's HEALING.  My brain is healing and trying to re-wire itself back to normalcy.  Eventually, I will not have any symptoms.  I welcome that day but must remain humble and patient while going through this horrific process.  I wish the world would know the debilitating symptoms that we go through which would make our lives a little bit easier. 

 

Anyway, god bless and we do heal!

 

Thank you.

 

JBen,

 

I am ditto everything you said.  It's exactly where I'm at and how I feel.  You couldn't have described it any better.  When I'm feeling this way (I guess a wave), my brain tells me I will never get out of this feeling this time.  It tells me it's permanent and I can't remember the good times.  My mind/brain won't let me.  I have to really really talk to myself and say SNAP out of that kind of thoughts.  It's the withdrawals.  Damn these withdrawals from this stupid drug is so STRONG.  I am here if you want to talk.  I'm working from home 3 days a week but go into the office 5 days starting October 4.  Ugggghhhh how do I hide these horrible symptoms?  I just hate everyone but that's so not who I am when in a window.  Isn't this so shitty? 

 

Mar

 

 

How is work going Mar?

I relate to this. I'm much earlier in my journey than most, a bit over 3 months, but I only used for 10 days or so in a binge, the worst mistake of my life.

 

I had a window from 28th Sept to 24th Oct, then BAM- been in a wave since. Not as bad as acute, but just a constant depression and a bit of anxiety. Usually (but not always) eases up on the evening. With this being the longest wave I've had since early September when I started having real windows, I feel like 'oh no, what if this is my new default/new normal/what if I never get better'

 

It's crushing. I had one good day, that was last Saturday the 30th. It's heartbreaking cause most of October I thought I was healed!