I’m a glutton for punishment

I’m 4.5 months out.  Yesterday was my son’s 10th birthday and one of his presents was going to an NFL football game on Sunday with a friend.  I’m not very functional and don’t really feel safe doing many things in public.  I asked my dad to go with us just in case something happened (which was a good idea).  Anyway, I woke up Sunday and could tell it was just going to be a bad day.  Brain felt screwed.  But I persisted.  Went to the game and between the crowds, the noise, the people, the heat, the sweat, the restlessness and being stuck in a chair surrounded by thousands of people…let me just say I was freaking out the entire time (all in all a 5 hour adventure).  The DP/DR was at max level.  I simply sat there and let my body absorb all the anxiety and fear for hours.  I got up every chance I could to go to the bathroom, get concessions and just get out of there.  Thank goodness my dad was there to watch my son and his friend because I surely would have lost it otherwise.  I’ve been incredibly tense and high strung since Sunday.  Confused, full of fear, lots of head pressure, heavy DP/DR.  Came super close to a rescue dose this morning and have been debating reinstating.  Have been in such a bad place. 

 

I want my kids to have a normal life and I feel incredibly guilty having to miss out on things.  So, even in my fearful, agoraphobic state I go along with it.  It’s not healthy for me.  Somehow I manage to get through stuff but it’s making me worse. 

 

Anyone relate?  Am I an idiot?

I’m 4.5 months out.  Yesterday was my son’s 10th birthday and one of his presents was going to an NFL football game on Sunday with a friend.  I’m not very functional and don’t really feel safe doing many things in public.  I asked my dad to go with us just in case something happened (which was a good idea).  Anyway, I woke up Sunday and could tell it was just going to be a bad day.  Brain felt screwed.  But I persisted.  Went to the game and between the crowds, the noise, the people, the heat, the sweat, the restlessness and being stuck in a chair surrounded by thousands of people…let me just say I was freaking out the entire time (all in all a 5 hour adventure).  The DP/DR was at max level.  I simply sat there and let my body absorb all the anxiety and fear for hours.  I got up every chance I could to go to the bathroom, get concessions and just get out of there.  Thank goodness my dad was there to watch my son and his friend because I surely would have lost it otherwise.  I’ve been incredibly tense and high strung since Sunday.  Confused, full of fear, lots of head pressure, heavy DP/DR.  Came super close to a rescue dose this morning and have been debating reinstating.  Have been in such a bad place. 

 

I want my kids to have a normal life and I feel incredibly guilty having to miss out on things.  So, even in my fearful, agoraphobic state I go along with it.  It’s not healthy for me.  Somehow I manage to get through stuff but it’s making me worse. 

 

Anyone relate?  Am I an idiot?

You just doing the best you can... Don't be hard on yourself...

From my perspective that's brave.  I'm too afraid to do much with the agoraphobia.  Considering the way you felt, you've got guts man.  If you're still feeling that way it might have been the case that you would have felt that way anyway on Sunday, game or not.  You might just be in a wave at the moment. 

I hope you don't reinstate.  I put myself in your shoes and imagined it must have been horrendous.  A trip to the supermarket has done it for me in the past.  It has gotten so much better, but the football environment would have crushed me too. 

 

I can only say you did great getting through it, survived to live another day.  My experience has been that the repercussions of too much stimulation passes pretty quickly.  Go easy on yourself this week. 

 

Dee

I think the more I exposed myself to uncomfortable situations helped me heal quicker than if I just layed in my room.

I find that forcing myself is also way better than sitting inside. I also know that even if I "freak out" it won't slow my healing. You will bounce back and I am so proud of you for going Really really really!!!

From my perspective that's brave.  I'm too afraid to do much with the agoraphobia.  Considering the way you felt, you've got guts man.  If you're still feeling that way it might have been the case that you would have felt that way anyway on Sunday, game or not.  You might just be in a wave at the moment.

 

This has screwed me up all week.  I’ve been a wreck ever since.  I can’t tell you how tense and shaky I’ve been.  Feel incredibly unstable.  I’m all for some exposure and continuing to do things you would normally do, but man you need that ejector seat in case you need to get out of there.  That was not available.  The fact that I was looking after my son and his friend really added to the sense of panic. 

 

It just takes me forever to calm down.  Part of the reason I can’t do intense exercise.  Heart just takes off and I get incredibly jittery and it won’t stop.

 

 

The good thing is I don’t think I really have agoraphobia or fear of particular places or situations.  On the better days, I can handle things fine.  On the bad days, the slightest thing can set me off.

This reminds me of when I took my son to a stock car race when I was 8 months off. I was brutal. I was physically trembling from the noise and stimulation. He was 2 at the time and it was easy to hide it from him. My wife could see it was too much and kept saying we could go but I was adamant. I made ir through. I was in a huge wave at the time and the anxiety was brutal. I took him on one of those kids roller coasters that day too. I knew it was a bad idea but I was so pissed off about all I was missing out on at the time I just kind of figured screw it if my stops so be it. It did not stop but the ride triggered like a 20 minute non stop heart palpitation spree. My wife took him off while I shook it off. I couldn’t enjoy myself but he had such a great day. I was so proud of myself and it was the first time(even though I was still in hell) that I felt regret about having almost checked out less than a year earlier while I was in severe tolerance withdrawal. Strange how things change. That was 2 years ago. I could do that day with ease today. Also, I am realizing that my wife had met me there with him because we were separated at the time. We could hardly be in the same room together. The benzo withdrawal just destroyed what was left of our marriage which had it’s issues to begin with. We’re back together now for about a year and we’re on a 3 month no fight streak at the moment which is pretty unbelievable really.

This reminds me of when I took my son to a stock car race when I was 8 months off. I was brutal. I was physically trembling from the noise and stimulation. He was 2 at the time and it was easy to hide it from him. My wife could see it was too much and kept saying we could go but I was adamant. I made ir through. I was in a huge wave at the time and the anxiety was brutal. I took him on one of those kids roller coasters that day too. I knew it was a bad idea but I was so pissed off about all I was missing out on at the time I just kind of figured screw it if my stops so be it. It did not stop but the ride triggered like a 20 minute non stop heart palpitation spree. My wife took him off while I shook it off. I couldn’t enjoy myself but he had such a great day. I was so proud of myself and it was the first time(even though I was still in hell) that I felt regret about having almost checked out less than a year earlier while I was in severe tolerance withdrawal. Strange how things change. That was 2 years ago. I could do that day with ease today. Also, I am realizing that my wife had met me there with him because we were separated at the time. We could hardly be in the same room together. The benzo withdrawal just destroyed what was left of our marriage which had it’s issues to begin with. We’re back together now for about a year and we’re on a 3 month no fight streak at the moment which is pretty unbelievable really.

 

That’s a great story.  Thanks for sharing.  Congrats on your marriage.  Sadly I think mine is about over.  Withdrawal has destroyed it.  I’m so detached from reality, consumed by fear, that she is having to do everything for the family.  I do some stuff but not much.  But I’m no fun to be with as I’m on another planet half the time.

 

How are you doing now?  Completely healed?

This reminds me of when I took my son to a stock car race when I was 8 months off. I was brutal. I was physically trembling from the noise and stimulation. He was 2 at the time and it was easy to hide it from him. My wife could see it was too much and kept saying we could go but I was adamant. I made ir through. I was in a huge wave at the time and the anxiety was brutal. I took him on one of those kids roller coasters that day too. I knew it was a bad idea but I was so pissed off about all I was missing out on at the time I just kind of figured screw it if my stops so be it. It did not stop but the ride triggered like a 20 minute non stop heart palpitation spree. My wife took him off while I shook it off. I couldn’t enjoy myself but he had such a great day. I was so proud of myself and it was the first time(even though I was still in hell) that I felt regret about having almost checked out less than a year earlier while I was in severe tolerance withdrawal. Strange how things change. That was 2 years ago. I could do that day with ease today. Also, I am realizing that my wife had met me there with him because we were separated at the time. We could hardly be in the same room together. The benzo withdrawal just destroyed what was left of our marriage which had it’s issues to begin with. We’re back together now for about a year and we’re on a 3 month no fight streak at the moment which is pretty unbelievable really.

 

That’s a great story.  Thanks for sharing.  Congrats on your marriage.  Sadly I think mine is about over.  Withdrawal has destroyed it.  I’m so detached from reality, consumed by fear, that she is having to do everything for the family.  I do some stuff but not much.  But I’m no fun to be with as I’m on another planet half the time.

 

How are you doing now?  Completely healed?

 

Well I was just about but I tapered Remeron for the past 2 years and jumped 6 weeks ago. I’m still in the acute phase of that. I went back to work today though after being out for a couple weeks so I’m getting back on track. But yeah, I’m pretty much healed from benzos just gotta straighten back up from this Remeron but I’m functional even with that.

Gotcha.  I tried a two week taper off Remeron when I got off benzos the first time and it was ugly.  Had to stay on it.  I took Remeron before I was put on benzos and had little trouble stopping it then.  I was irritable and jumpy for a few days but nothing too bad.  Benzo withdrawal is a different beast.  I’m sure it’s made your Remeron taper more difficult.

Gotcha.  I tried a two week taper off Remeron when I got off benzos the first time and it was ugly.  Had to stay on it.  I took Remeron before I was put on benzos and had little trouble stopping it then.  I was irritable and jumpy for a few days but nothing too bad.  Benzo withdrawal is a different beast.  I’m sure it’s made your Remeron taper more difficult.

 

Yeah, it seems like the consensus is that it’s much harder to ditch Remeron after benzos. It is what it is. It sucks but it ain’t nowhere as bad as it was getting off benzos this time.

What u did was very daring. I think you were having wave that time hence it was way more difficult to handle. Just don't lose hope you will get better with time.

Dje I know exactly how that feels. The first year I was sick, I mean really really sick, I took my kids to see a xmas lights display. I was trying so hard to be normal. I drove 45 mins away from home, then had to park and walk for like 30 mins to get there, and there were hundreds of people walking up and down this street. I felt like I was going to have a complete mental break right there. I was so desperate to do things for my kids so they wouldn’t miss out. I have continued to do really difficult things since so my kids can have a normal life. Sometimes hiding behind sunglasses because I’m crying, but I honestly think it was for the best that I did that, and trust me it was so horrific some days I would come home snd collapse into my hubbies arms. But I think it has made me even more resilient. Even on my worst days now, I never cancel plans. I go regardless. It’s not as hard as it used to be and I am always so proud of myself afterwards. I know it’s so hard, but when I was really bad I had my dad come with me too for backup. It’s almost like exposure therapy. I think keeping some normal activities eventually helps you slowly edge back into life. It’s so so hard, but it’s part of recovery and so important.

 

Dje I couldn’t even leave the house for a long time. I couldn’t take my kids to school, follow a recipe, go grocery shopping. I can do everything now. You will get there too.

 

You did a great thing for ur son, be proud of urself mate. Ur still being a great dad. Because u are trying. It’s enough. One day when ur better ur kids will remember what a fighter their dad was, when he took them to the ball game even when he was so sick. It’s worth it x

Dje I know exactly how that feels. The first year I was sick, I mean really really sick, I took my kids to see a xmas lights display. I was trying so hard to be normal. I drove 45 mins away from home, then had to park and walk for like 30 mins to get there, and there were hundreds of people walking up and down this street. I felt like I was going to have a complete mental break right there. I was so desperate to do things for my kids so they wouldn’t miss out. I have continued to do really difficult things since so my kids can have a normal life. Sometimes hiding behind sunglasses because I’m crying, but I honestly think it was for the best that I did that, and trust me it was so horrific some days I would come home snd collapse into my hubbies arms. But I think it has made me even more resilient. Even on my worst days now, I never cancel plans. I go regardless. It’s not as hard as it used to be and I am always so proud of myself afterwards. I know it’s so hard, but when I was really bad I had my dad come with me too for backup. It’s almost like exposure therapy. I think keeping some normal activities eventually helps you slowly edge back into life. It’s so so hard, but it’s part of recovery and so important.

 

Dje I couldn’t even leave the house for a long time. I couldn’t take my kids to school, follow a recipe, go grocery shopping. I can do everything now. You will get there too.

 

You did a great thing for ur son, be proud of urself mate. Ur still being a great dad. Because u are trying. It’s enough. One day when ur better ur kids will remember what a fighter their dad was, when he took them to the ball game even when he was so sick. It’s worth it x

 

Thanks for the kind words Shayna. 

Don't be so hard on yourself. You're doing the best you can with how you're feeling. I totally get you. I have 4 children and I felt incredibly guilty for 2 years. They lost the only mother they ever knew. I couldn't do anything but a little before the 2 year mark I started to force myself out there,no matter the situation. I'm not just going to sit or lie here feeling sorry for myself.  I'm pushing through and it honestly helps. I go everywhere with my girls and husband. I literally got on an airplane for the first time, a few weeks back and went on a 5 day vacation to Vegas with my husband to attend a Guns N Roses concert. Had the time of my life. Pushed through the symptoms all the way through. Keep going, keep pushing. You'll get there. My children are my strength. If it wasn't for them I would've given up by now. You got this!

Fighting to stay determined to go out for a day with my family tomorrow. Im 25 so I'm on the other side-I will be with my parents and grandparent.

 

But I am gonna force myself to do it because we need to take our lives back. I don't know you, but I'm so proud of you man. I am an anxious person and even pre benzos that would have (the football) made me anxious as hell. I also grew up with a long term agoraphobic mother.

 

She used to force herself to practice getting the bus (buses were a big trigger for her agoraphobia) and sometimes she would only go one or two stops down the road, and then walk back. But she made herself do it. I know how difficult it is mate and you're an absolute beast for soldiering through

Hello there,

 

I perfectly relate and wonder if this "nightmare" with ever really end.  I am 9 months off a one year taper of 1mg Xan crossover to 15mg Val.  My last .5mg of Val was on December 12, 2020.  All through my taper it was pretty good as I tried to enjoy my life the best as I could (lots of windows).  Throughout my taper though I had some residual symptoms nothing really bad to complaing about.  Last month around August 3 I got hit with a horrible wave (flu like symptoms, agitation, PTSD sort of thoughts, guilt, paranoia, intrusive negative thoughts, fear, with some minimal physical symptoms like twitching, faster than normal heart rate which fluctuates from morning/day to evening).  These symptoms have been off and on.  3 days with most of those symptoms (not 24/7) and then 4 days good (not full window), but good enough to enjoy.  This has been the pattern now since August.  I'm so disheartened and saddened by this stupid pill but I try really hard to push those thoughts away.  Of course, if I am down that's not something I can control.  I just let it ride even though I HATE THIS.  I just wanted to share that I am experiencing very much the same things.  All I can say, is that we are off those poisons so WE MUST BE HEALING.  At least, I am praying but I think we are.  I'm here if you want to chat.

 

Warm regards,

Mar    :'( :'( :'(