Will I ever be the same?

The more this goes on day after day. I think in my head that there is just no way I will ever be the same person as before. Even if I do possibly feel a little better. The memories of this traumatic experience might not ever go away. I think back to the happy silly person I used to be and it kills me inside. I miss that person so much it kills me. It’s gut wrenching and so brutal. My son misses his mother. The trips. The day to day life. It’s heartbreaking.

 

Sorry. Just needed to vent I guess

I know how hard it is and how it feels like you've lost your old self.  You haven't,  the real you is still in there.  Once enough healing takes place there will come glimmers of your old life.  That you are possibly feeling better is a very good sign.

We all heal at different rates but we all heal.  At 9.5 months off I still have issues but it is much better than at 7 months.  I have periods of time where I feel like my old self.  Please don't give up hope.  Ginger

I know where your coming from and I can say that the bad memories do fade away. You will get back to being silly you were.

The fear of not healing is part of the Benzo Withdrawal symptoms. I feel like it needs to be listed as "the I will never get well" symptom. I have it too. But it is a lie. Big fat lie. Yes, you will get yourself back and possibly even better. I have read that in many success stories. Going through this hell and surviving cannot help but make us somehow different and in a good way.

 

I remember having a glimmer of hope when I actually laughed at something on a show. Like the old me. That lasted about half an hour but getting glimmers of my old self is super helpful.Like if I can laugh at that then maybe I will laugh again at other things.

 

Oh and many people report not being able to remember what WD felt like when it is over. I never had a child but I think that is probably a lot like childbirth. If everyone remembered no one would have more than one child.

 

Also, maybe think back to things that were hard for you before. Can you remember them in vivid detail or has the memory faded? our Brains know how to protect us and right now I see the symptoms as protection. Like when I was severely agoraphobic, I see that now as my brain making sure I stayed quiet and free from stress so I would not jar it by stimulus in the world. Now I can drive again and even venture out....if I time my trips right to stores.... has to be a quiet time and less traffic.

 

This is NOT permanent. It is not. It feels like it is but it is not. I keep holding on to that.

 

 

 

Thought I would never make it

But I did

Thought I would be permanently in a wheelchair

But I'm not

Thought I would have ptsd from the experience

But I don't

Thought I would never be the old me thats really fun

But I am

Thought I wouldn't be able to be in my torture chamber bed again

But here I am happily

Thought I wouldn't play sports again

But I do plus more

Thought my kids would be traumatized or forget the real me

They are not, and they did not

Thought I would maybe forget how WD feels...

But I did not forget...

I still remember, but I am not traumatized. I came out the other side with zero anxiety, and a love for life like never before!

I am the old me and then some!

 

I know it seems permanent....

It's not 

Please don't be disheartened. I know how it feels. I also thought it will never end but over the time it did improve. I am sure you will heal too and will be back to normal even though it will take time but you will heal. Just hold on to the hope.

You will heal too 

I think the others are right this is a symptom of withdrawal. I can't actually remember what normal feels like anymore, but think that us quite normal. I don't think covid and all the lockdowns here have helped, even if we were OK, "normal is not what is was pre covid. I've never had a window, but lot people do, think once you have one of those, it will give you more hope. You are going through 3 lots of withdrawal will just take bit of time.But do understand where you are coming from.

SouthernBelle,

 

You are a constant inspiration… and a good writer. I am in the thick of it at day 57 off of Valium. Had to get a walker by the bed and have intermittent Buddie jerks an Hyperreflexia. It might be akathisia.

What a mess.

 

I am very happy for you. Sounds like a success story!

 

HopeFull01

 

 

I can so relate.

 

Hello there,

 

I perfectly relate and wonder if this "nightmare" with ever really end.  I am 9 months off a one year taper of 1mg Xan crossover to 15mg Val.  My last .5mg of Val was on December 12, 2020.  All through my taper it was pretty good as I tried to enjoy my life the best as I could (lots of windows).  Throughout my taper though I had some residual symptoms nothing really bad to complaing about.  Last month around August 3 I got hit with a horrible wave (flu like symptoms, agitation, PTSD sort of thoughts, guilt, paranoia, intrusive negative thoughts, fear, with some minimal physical symptoms like twitching, faster than normal heart rate which fluctuates from morning/day to evening).  These symptoms have been off and on.  3 days with most of those symptoms (not 24/7) and then 4 days good (not full window), but good enough to enjoy.  This has been the pattern now since August.  I'm so disheartened and saddened by this stupid pill but I try really hard to push those thoughts away.  Of course, if I am down that's not something I can control.  I just let it ride even though I HATE THIS.  I just wanted to share that I am experiencing very much the same things.  All I can say, is that we are off those poisons so WE MUST BE HEALING.  At least, I am praying but I think we are.  I'm here if you want to chat.

 

Warm regards,

Mar

I feel the same way, the anxiety etc went away for me, sleep still sucks, never get tired feeling, brain just wants to turn off for the day but never think I'll be close to the same.  Haven't had a good laugh since I was in the 3rd month off, so in about a year.  No personality anymore.  I used to be really fun, just had kids and ruined it for them, it's not fair to them or my wife.  I always get a feeling like I'm done with a situation,  like I can't do anything for very long, I used to work out on stuff for hours.

Thought I would never make it

But I did

Thought I would be permanently in a wheelchair

But I'm not

Thought I would have ptsd from the experience

But I don't

Thought I would never be the old me thats really fun

But I am

Thought I wouldn't be able to be in my torture chamber bed again

But here I am happily

Thought I wouldn't play sports again

But I do plus more

Thought my kids would be traumatized or forget the real me

They are not, and they did not

Thought I would maybe forget how WD feels...

But I did not forget...

I still remember, but I am not traumatized. I came out the other side with zero anxiety, and a love for life like never before!

I am the old me and then some!

 

I know it seems permanent....

It's not 

 

Wow, thank you so much for this uplifting post!  These are exactly my thoughts and this was reassuring! Still after a year I am bedbound and wondering will I ever walk again and I wonder does this leave a permanent trauma.

 

Hope you have a lovely fall and all the best!

Thought I would never make it

But I did

Thought I would be permanently in a wheelchair

But I'm not

Thought I would have ptsd from the experience

But I don't

Thought I would never be the old me thats really fun

But I am

Thought I wouldn't be able to be in my torture chamber bed again

But here I am happily

Thought I wouldn't play sports again

But I do plus more

Thought my kids would be traumatized or forget the real me

They are not, and they did not

Thought I would maybe forget how WD feels...

But I did not forget...

I still remember, but I am not traumatized. I came out the other side with zero anxiety, and a love for life like never before!

I am the old me and then some!

 

I know it seems permanent....

It's not 

wow thankyou i needed this so much today Southernbelle.

I made i screenshot so i can check it out later.

 

Thankyou so much and i wish you lots of love in your 2nd life