My Summer Surprise!

I am now 19 months benzo-free and still feel crappy. I was really hoping I’d have seen significant progress at this point or even be “healed” by the 18-month marker. The past six months have been rough with frequent waves followed by shorter windows. Like a roller coaster. I have maintained my job throughout the pandemic and my illness - thank goodness for remote work!  I also have a 4-year-old boy and a 4-month-old baby + a wife struggling with chronic kidney disease.  Therefore, there hasn’t been any time or place for me to slow down while I’m healing - it has been very hard, and my family is the only thing really keeping me going. 

 

On this forum, I have often heard people mention that they have never had any windows after one or two years. This is just shocking to me. Or, is it just that we have different definitions of a window.  To me, it doesn’t mean completely symptom-free, it just means a slight bit of relief from my waves and back to my crappy benzo withdrawal baseline. It still is awful but not as bad as the agony of my waves. 

 

In late June, I had a tremendous experience. My mother-in-law was visiting and they all wanted to take a big ferry boat out to a nearby island for a Saturday day-trip. It sounded awful but I knew I was obligated to push forward and go to help with the kids, etc.  The morning of the day trip, I woke up and felt pretty good. We rushed around in a shuttle bus, to the docks, then to the boat, and I realised that WOW, I actually felt amazing.  This wasn’t myself in a window, this was actually me feeling normal, and clear-headed, and no DR/DP, no mental or physical symptoms… not a damn thing. 100% symptom-free. Honestly, it felt amazing.

 

The day-trip to that island was the best day I have had in several years.  On the boat back that evening I was giddy and laughing and conversational and fun. It was like me from years ago. I convinced myself that I was “healed”. I was imagining going home and writing my Success Story for Benzo Buddies. I didn’t even want to go to bed that night. Instead, I stayed up and FaceTimed with several friends just to say hello - something I haven’t done in a long time because I never feel well.  I woke up the next day and felt great again, and also the third day as well. On the fourth day, I got hit with a wave and for the last 3 months it has been rough - lots of long waves and back to my benzo withdrawal hell. 

 

I did not heal and obviously didn’t write a Success Story.  I did get a little bit of freedom though which I so needed. I wish it had lasted, but if anything it did give me hope that I am not damaged for life beyond repair after 20 years of daily benzo use + drinking.  I’m grateful that I had one weekend of normality with my family this summer, too. What good timing that was!  I sure hope it comes to see me again very soon, too.

 

What does a window mean to you?

Have you had any periods (short or long) of being symptom-free?

 

I certainly haven’t experienced anything close to a 100% window where I feel completely normal.  I do think many people have periods where they feel 90%+ normal which they call windows, followed by a nasty wave.  I have days that are certainly much better than others, but even my good days still suck.  They are just more manageable and I’m not sentenced to the pit of despair.

I don't have anything to add about windows, I only had one that lasted a few seconds but I was so thrilled with your story I just wanted to thank you for letting us know it happened and that it gives you hope for your future. 

@pamster - how long did it take you to fully heal?

This is such a heartwarming story. You got to gaze into your future. So lovely! I get a few hours on many evenings where I feel well, at peace, optimistic and comfortable. But, in generally doesn't last into the morning. Mornings are generally rough. I don't want to get out of bed. I cherish those nighttime good moments.I guess they are little windows. What you experienced is proof that you are healing deeply and that everything you ever loved about yourself is completely intact. I hope to experience that soon!

@pamster - how long did it take you to fully heal?

 

It took me 14 months but I screwed up and started taking Ambien about 5 months into my cold turkey.  When I finally stopped taking it at 14 months past my CT from Klonopin I discovered I was fully healed.  I think the Ambien was keeping me sick so I honestly don't know when I would have healed if I hadn't of started the stupid Ambien. 

Hi g-bones,

 

Glad to hear I felt great for a few days 🙂

 

For me windows typically consist of feeling at 90-95% well, and they typically last anywhere from 1 day to 10 days… I have not had a window longer than 10 days yet. Mostly they occur 2-3 days at a time, followed by a wave. Also, my waves (multi symptoms with little sleep per night) never lasted more than 24 hours at once… typically after a wave of 24 hrs, I would sleep very well the next night, which would be followed by a window probably because i rested well…

 

However, I did experience my first 100% back to normal day this month, so I am very excited for more to come 🙂

 

Hope u get more windows!

 

Karla