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Nostalgia, extreme loneliness, fear of ending up alone


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The different mental states that the broken nervous system makes us go through is perplexing! Mine cycle from heavy SI, depression, anhedonia, crying spells, envy, anger, frustration, terror & anxiety to all the weird stuff in between that cannot be explained. Every day something, but it seems to change from month to month.

 

I’ve had this before, but right now I have been in a wave that has brought up feelings of crushing loneliness, it’s as if I was the last human on earth abandoned and totally on my own. I also feel immense fear, that I’ll end up alone in this life since right now I cannot perceive a future where I could make deep friendships and relationships with new people. My old friends have pretty much moved on with their lives (which I understand since I have been extremely ill for years) and I don’t have a family of my own (meaning a partner or children). I currently live with my older parents who just retired and have had to take care of me for he past year since I have been severely disabled and bed bound. I can see how they get older and tired and have illnesses and the fear of loosing them grabs my stomach and makes me want to puke. I cannot imagine going through their deaths. I feel like I cannot live without them and don’t have anyone else than them left. And I feel angry that they have had to worry over me and I’ve lost so many years with them.

 

There is also this weird flavor of nostalgia that I cannot wrap my head around. It’s not the good kind, it’s a bitter feeling of wanting to go back to 80’s and 90’s when I was a kid and everything was still good and simpler. I end up watching a lot of old cartoons and cry for the lost years. All these emotions are just so overwhelming I feel at times I could drown in them. Right now it seems as if I have no future or the future I have, is very gloomy, dark and lonely.

 

Anyone feel this way? I constantly keep wondering if this is wd or just the age I am in. (Mid 30’s)

 

1000%

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  • 3 months later...
Bumping this as it is still relevant. How are you all doing with this? I have it worse than ever. So much intense emotional pain.
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I'm so glad you bumped this post.  I've just read it thru and it has brought tears to my eyes... in a good way.  Some of you are young; in the zenith of your life.  There is absolutely no doubt in my mind, that you will get thru this and recover, and that the incomprehensible suffering will springboard you into a deeper life.

As I heal, I've felt so alone too.  I've done a life review, looked at old pictures, examined my flaws and mistakes....  wondered where my connection to God and holiness has gone.  Imagined dying sick, alone and forgotten after living a very inconsequential life.  A little person, who didn't really mean anything to anybody.

It's the withdrawal talking.  It's like a needle stuck in an old familiar groove.   

 

Little windows lately have convinced me otherwise.    Healing is happening.

Someone used the word blind faith...  that it was blind faith that moved you forward when all hope is gone. 

So that is what I do.  I keep doing that loving things that promote healing.  Whatever it is in the moment that I can do to love myself and help healing.  Cry, but don't cry too long.    Make the salad, take the warm bath, do the stretching, go for a walk in nature....  text or call someone..... 

Anyways I thank God for this community,  and the loving hearts here that weave this web of connection and sanity.  :smitten:

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I'm so glad you bumped this post.  I've just read it thru and it has brought tears to my eyes... in a good way.  Some of you are young; in the zenith of your life.  There is absolutely no doubt in my mind, that you will get thru this and recover, and that the incomprehensible suffering will springboard you into a deeper life.

As I heal, I've felt so alone too.  I've done a life review, looked at old pictures, examined my flaws and mistakes....  wondered where my connection to God and holiness has gone.  Imagined dying sick, alone and forgotten after living a very inconsequential life.  A little person, who didn't really mean anything to anybody.

It's the withdrawal talking.  It's like a needle stuck in an old familiar groove.   

 

Little windows lately have convinced me otherwise.    Healing is happening.

Someone used the word blind faith...  that it was blind faith that moved you forward when all hope is gone. 

So that is what I do.  I keep doing that loving things that promote healing.  Whatever it is in the moment that I can do to love myself and help healing.  Cry, but don't cry too long.    Make the salad, take the warm bath, do the stretching, go for a walk in nature....  text or call someone..... 

Anyways I thank God for this community,  and the loving hearts here that weave this web of connection and sanity.  :smitten:

 

💯💯💯

Janice, your response really resonates with me and I am thankful that you posted your thoughts. It is important to keep faith alive and continue doing healthy and loving daily routines for ourselves, and have a bit of acceptance that we will have a new normal- hopefully one that leads us to a deeper and more meaningful existence. But just surviving is understandable, too. I am so grateful for all the souls that comprise this community as well. Through the pain and tears, there is always something that keeps me going, and on decent days, I am grateful and humbled to do it for others.

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This is so exactly what I feel, exactly, the different things on different days and times and my parents,  I have needed their help so much, they live an hour away but come to see me because I always need help, I feel stress about adding stress to their life. I'm sure they're happy you're there at least, and safe.its so hard I really empathize with you, it's been about a year of this for me too, starting with the ssri and then quickly after the benzo.
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  • 6 months later...

Thanks for your post!! Can relate to so much of this…. I’ve had a very hard time bc I invested so much into my relationships with other people. I valued (still do) my friendships so very much and after almost 3yrs of this, many just are very busy with young kids, careers, travel etc that heck a year went by before seeing one of my best friends. I have been bed and couch bound Feb-Nov of this year and struggled quite a bit most of last year…. So people have kind of moved on. I was hoping a family would be in the cards for me as well but this started right when I turned 37 and 40 is looming, so it’s hard to grasp this taking the last years of my thirties away. I had such a great life before this. I am hopeful for much better days and taht I do somehow have a family of my own…. just might not be how I imagined it. Adoption is wonderful and I know if that was what my path was meant to be I will welcome it with full open arms.

 

I’m hoping for continued healing for everyone on this thread and many blessings in the years to come. Hugs.

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[ae...]
Wow, this is me 100%.  As a woman soon about to turn 38 in a few months I can honestly say I have this fear. I've had so much loss in these last 4 yrs now that I'm getting older and age doesn't help I'm really scared things are going to be very different. By the time I'm "better" will certainly things in my life be too late?  The things I have going well for me now ( the very few) I'm afraid they'll be taken. Everyday I'm living in a constant fight or flight mood with what ifs and waiting for the last shoe to drop.  It's the scariest feeling ever.
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BOGES11:

 

My friend...the future I see for you, in whatever way it happens, is filled with the most unbelievable blessings for you. I know with all of my being that is true and cannot wait to see it unfold. You're working your way to it and it will greet you with open arms in the right time.

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I don't know if this helps (I'm struggling big time) but I'm 51 and have the exact feelings you are about "not having a life".  Maybe this is part of the "lies" of the withdrawal.  I certainly hope so.  I am so down with depression right now thoughts of doing basic things is exhausting, nevermind even doing them.  I hope everyone can feel just a little bit better. 
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Thank you all for sharing your experiences. I am glad I am not alone but very sad at the same time, how many of you can relate to the loneliness.

 

This whole time I have thought that it’s really unique for this journey but just watched a cancer journey experience of a man who said that the first time he spoke about it to his friends, there were a lot of people rooting for him and sending hearts and support, but when the days turned to months and then years, many disappeared. He also felt the support wasn’t unconditional and relied a lot on him making the first move (which we all know is so so hard when we are so sick).

 

I realized that it’s actually just a cultural things and affects so many people on all kinds of situations. We just aren’t quite good at holding space for the more heavy experiences and the fear that is related to illness and death. It’s not seen as a normal thing but something we need to fix and make go away as soon as possible.

 

They say that when you smile the whole world smiles with you but when you cry, you cry alone. And that has been the hardest lesson in this. I always pictured that the love we give will come back to us, but now I know that the only love that really matters is the one I give to myself. And the few people who are still left in my life and care enough to try to understand, I cherish them even more ❤️❤️ They are truly remarkable souls.

 

I hope and wish in my heart, that the pain and suffering we have had to go through because of this unfathomable and horrible med injury, will one day be alchemised into big joy, love and profound peace. We truly truly deserve that. The meds can’t win. 

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Wilding, that was such a nice thing you wrote.  I feel the same way.  I hope one day all of us will feel so much better and won't have anything to worry about.  I do know that some people do love me.  Both my sisters love me and care about me.  My one sister who lives in Louisiana really loves me and always says kind things about and always makes me feel better.  She lives too far away though for me to visit.  She really cares about me and always makes me feel better.
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I also feel like i could have written this myself. I had friends before this and now i have none only a few online friends i talk to sparingly. I also live with my mother at 32 and she is struggling with her health, it scares me and makes me afraid of when she might die, I don’t know how ill deal with it and i just keep on thinking about it constantly. Who will i have in this world when my parents die? I have 1 brother who lives here and Another whos in Australia but i struggle to speak with them due to social anxiety. I have been thick as theives with my mum since i was a child god only knows how ill deal with it when shes not here. I hope i die first sometimes
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  • 2 weeks later...

Wilding, that was such a nice thing you wrote.  I feel the same way.  I hope one day all of us will feel so much better and won't have anything to worry about.  I do know that some people do love me.  Both my sisters love me and care about me.  My one sister who lives in Louisiana really loves me and always says kind things about and always makes me feel better.  She lives too far away though for me to visit.  She really cares about me and always makes me feel better.

 

So precious you have your sister  :smitten:

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