Nostalgia, extreme loneliness, fear of ending up alone

[[Buddie]]

I know how this feels all too well. My mother was 40 when she had me, but I never thought I’d have to live without my parents. My mom passed away when I was 29, and my dad, several months later just after my 30th birthday. I got pregnant and unfortunately lost it about a month after my dad passed. Then another one several months later. After that, I wanted to give up. I’ve been in that frame of mind for a while until I developed severe health anxiety (something I’ve almost always had), agoraphobia, and constant panic attacks. I only recently realized that I just don’t know how to function without my mother. She was my rock and my best friend, and I don’t know how to live without her. I’m trying to learn, but it’s not easy at all. The depression and anxiety are crushing. I don’t know that I would have been able to function if it wasn’t for my s/o, so I can’t imagine the stress and worry you’re going through right now. I know it’s helped me to sort of lean on the success stories I read around here, but it doesn’t take away the anxiety and worry. If you ever need someone to talk to, my PM’s are ALWAYS open!

[[Buddie]]

The different mental states that the broken nervous system makes us go through is perplexing! Mine cycle from heavy SI, depression, anhedonia, crying spells, envy, anger, frustration, terror & anxiety to all the weird stuff in between that cannot be explained. Every day something, but it seems to change from month to month.

I’ve had this before, but right now I have been in a wave that has brought up feelings of crushing loneliness, it’s as if I was the last human on earth abandoned and totally on my own. I also feel immense fear, that I’ll end up alone in this life since right now I cannot perceive a future where I could make deep friendships and relationships with new people. My old friends have pretty much moved on with their lives (which I understand since I have been extremely ill for years) and I don’t have a family of my own (meaning a partner or children). I currently live with my older parents who just retired and have had to take care of me for he past year since I have been severely disabled and bed bound. I can see how they get older and tired and have illnesses and the fear of loosing them grabs my stomach and makes me want to puke. I cannot imagine going through their deaths. I feel like I cannot live without them and don’t have anyone else than them left. And I feel angry that they have had to worry over me and I’ve lost so many years with them.

There is also this weird flavor of nostalgia that I cannot wrap my head around. It’s not the good kind, it’s a bitter feeling of wanting to go back to 80’s and 90’s when I was a kid and everything was still good and simpler. I end up watching a lot of old cartoons and cry for the lost years. All these emotions are just so overwhelming I feel at times I could drown in them. Right now it seems as if I have no future or the future I have, is very gloomy, dark and lonely.

Anyone feel this way? I constantly keep wondering if this is wd or just the age I am in. (Mid 30’s)

I feel exactly like you! I also feel so lonely and I don't know if I ever will find the love of my life. I thought I did, but I lost him. I also want a family with kids someday, but that never seems to happen. I'm also in my mid 30's.

[[Buddie]]

I know how this feels all too well. My mother was 40 when she had me, but I never thought I’d have to live without my parents. My mom passed away when I was 29, and my dad, several months later just after my 30th birthday. I got pregnant and unfortunately lost it about a month after my dad passed. Then another one several months later. After that, I wanted to give up. I’ve been in that frame of mind for a while until I developed severe health anxiety (something I’ve almost always had), agoraphobia, and constant panic attacks. I only recently realized that I just don’t know how to function without my mother. She was my rock and my best friend, and I don’t know how to live without her. I’m trying to learn, but it’s not easy at all. The depression and anxiety are crushing. I don’t know that I would have been able to function if it wasn’t for my s/o, so I can’t imagine the stress and worry you’re going through right now. I know it’s helped me to sort of lean on the success stories I read around here, but it doesn’t take away the anxiety and worry. If you ever need someone to talk to, my PM’s are ALWAYS open!

Dear one, I am so so sorry for your losses and your grief. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this. This is the hardest thing a human being can go through and everything you’ve been through on top of that. I am sending you the biggest hug and healing.

[[Buddie]]

I know how this feels all too well. My mother was 40 when she had me, but I never thought I’d have to live without my parents. My mom passed away when I was 29, and my dad, several months later just after my 30th birthday. I got pregnant and unfortunately lost it about a month after my dad passed. Then another one several months later. After that, I wanted to give up. I’ve been in that frame of mind for a while until I developed severe health anxiety (something I’ve almost always had), agoraphobia, and constant panic attacks. I only recently realized that I just don’t know how to function without my mother. She was my rock and my best friend, and I don’t know how to live without her. I’m trying to learn, but it’s not easy at all. The depression and anxiety are crushing. I don’t know that I would have been able to function if it wasn’t for my s/o, so I can’t imagine the stress and worry you’re going through right now. I know it’s helped me to sort of lean on the success stories I read around here, but it doesn’t take away the anxiety and worry. If you ever need someone to talk to, my PM’s are ALWAYS open!

Dear one, I am so so sorry for your losses and your grief. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this. This is the hardest thing a human being can go through and everything you’ve been through on top of that. I am sending you the biggest hug and healing.

Goodness, thank you for your very kind words! It’s incredible how much the world could be changed if people were just kind and comforting to one another. Wouldn’t that be a great world to live in? Your healing and hugs are always welcomed, thank you! I hope the same for you! All the happy healing and prosperity that the world is willing to give you (and maybe a little extra)!

[[Buddie]]

this is so weird i feel a lot like this some days i feel so alone and depressed and so negative and scared for the future and miss my past so bad i'm only 30 years old almost 31 but looking back i think what have i done whit my life sometimes is feel sorry for myselff other days i wanna smack my own head with a bat i a hate mysellf so bad for all this sh** that happend and the fact it trusted those docs to take benzo's.
some days i have a little bit more piece in mind but most days are still very bad and some days i am scared of the extreme anger i feel but what can we do nothing just wait it's always waiting game even after almost 39 months and 6 months of tapering.
man what a mess life is nothing since 2016 what a waste of a life.
forgive my english i'm from Netherlands i don't feel like using translate now on google hope you can read and see what i mean.
take care

[[Buddie]]

The different mental states that the broken nervous system makes us go through is perplexing! Mine cycle from heavy SI, depression, anhedonia, crying spells, envy, anger, frustration, terror & anxiety to all the weird stuff in between that cannot be explained. Every day something, but it seems to change from month to month.

I’ve had this before, but right now I have been in a wave that has brought up feelings of crushing loneliness, it’s as if I was the last human on earth abandoned and totally on my own. I also feel immense fear, that I’ll end up alone in this life since right now I cannot perceive a future where I could make deep friendships and relationships with new people. My old friends have pretty much moved on with their lives (which I understand since I have been extremely ill for years) and I don’t have a family of my own (meaning a partner or children). I currently live with my older parents who just retired and have had to take care of me for he past year since I have been severely disabled and bed bound. I can see how they get older and tired and have illnesses and the fear of loosing them grabs my stomach and makes me want to puke. I cannot imagine going through their deaths. I feel like I cannot live without them and don’t have anyone else than them left. And I feel angry that they have had to worry over me and I’ve lost so many years with them.

There is also this weird flavor of nostalgia that I cannot wrap my head around. It’s not the good kind, it’s a bitter feeling of wanting to go back to 80’s and 90’s when I was a kid and everything was still good and simpler. I end up watching a lot of old cartoons and cry for the lost years. All these emotions are just so overwhelming I feel at times I could drown in them. Right now it seems as if I have no future or the future I have, is very gloomy, dark and lonely.

Anyone feel this way? I constantly keep wondering if this is wd or just the age I am in. (Mid 30’s)

1000%

[[Buddie]]

Bumping this as it is still relevant. How are you all doing with this? I have it worse than ever. So much intense emotional pain.

[[Buddie]]

I'm so glad you bumped this post.  I've just read it thru and it has brought tears to my eyes... in a good way.  Some of you are young; in the zenith of your life.  There is absolutely no doubt in my mind, that you will get thru this and recover, and that the incomprehensible suffering will springboard you into a deeper life.
As I heal, I've felt so alone too.  I've done a life review, looked at old pictures, examined my flaws and mistakes....  wondered where my connection to God and holiness has gone.   Imagined dying sick, alone and forgotten after living a very inconsequential life.  A little person, who didn't really mean anything to anybody.
It's the withdrawal talking.  It's like a needle stuck in an old familiar groove.   

Little windows lately have convinced me otherwise.    Healing is happening.
Someone used the word blind faith...  that it was blind faith that moved you forward when all hope is gone.   
So that is what I do.  I keep doing that loving things that promote healing.  Whatever it is in the moment that I can do to love myself and help healing.  Cry, but don't cry too long.    Make the salad, take the warm bath, do the stretching, go for a walk in nature....  text or call someone.....   
Anyways I thank God for this community,  and the loving hearts here that weave this web of connection and sanity.   

[[Buddie]]

I'm so glad you bumped this post.  I've just read it thru and it has brought tears to my eyes... in a good way.  Some of you are young; in the zenith of your life.  There is absolutely no doubt in my mind, that you will get thru this and recover, and that the incomprehensible suffering will springboard you into a deeper life.
As I heal, I've felt so alone too.  I've done a life review, looked at old pictures, examined my flaws and mistakes....  wondered where my connection to God and holiness has gone.   Imagined dying sick, alone and forgotten after living a very inconsequential life.  A little person, who didn't really mean anything to anybody.
It's the withdrawal talking.  It's like a needle stuck in an old familiar groove.   

Little windows lately have convinced me otherwise.    Healing is happening.
Someone used the word blind faith...  that it was blind faith that moved you forward when all hope is gone.   
So that is what I do.  I keep doing that loving things that promote healing.  Whatever it is in the moment that I can do to love myself and help healing.  Cry, but don't cry too long.    Make the salad, take the warm bath, do the stretching, go for a walk in nature....  text or call someone.....   
Anyways I thank God for this community,  and the loving hearts here that weave this web of connection and sanity.   

💯💯💯
Janice, your response really resonates with me and I am thankful that you posted your thoughts. It is important to keep faith alive and continue doing healthy and loving daily routines for ourselves, and have a bit of acceptance that we will have a new normal- hopefully one that leads us to a deeper and more meaningful existence. But just surviving is understandable, too. I am so grateful for all the souls that comprise this community as well. Through the pain and tears, there is always something that keeps me going, and on decent days, I am grateful and humbled to do it for others.

[[Buddie]]

This is so exactly what I feel, exactly, the different things on different days and times and my parents,  I have needed their help so much, they live an hour away but come to see me because I always need help, I feel stress about adding stress to their life. I'm sure they're happy you're there at least, and safe.its so hard I really empathize with you, it's been about a year of this for me too, starting with the ssri and then quickly after the benzo.