Author Topic: Nostalgia, extreme loneliness, fear of ending up alone  (Read 1424 times)

[Buddie]

Nostalgia, extreme loneliness, fear of ending up alone
« on: September 10, 2021, 02:11:21 pm »
The different mental states that the broken nervous system makes us go through is perplexing! Mine cycle from heavy SI, depression, anhedonia, crying spells, envy, anger, frustration, terror & anxiety to all the weird stuff in between that cannot be explained. Every day something, but it seems to change from month to month.

Iíve had this before, but right now I have been in a wave that has brought up feelings of crushing loneliness, itís as if I was the last human on earth abandoned and totally on my own. I also feel immense fear, that Iíll end up alone in this life since right now I cannot perceive a future where I could make deep friendships and relationships with new people. My old friends have pretty much moved on with their lives (which I understand since I have been extremely ill for years) and I donít have a family of my own (meaning a partner or children). I currently live with my older parents who just retired and have had to take care of me for he past year since I have been severely disabled and bed bound. I can see how they get older and tired and have illnesses and the fear of loosing them grabs my stomach and makes me want to puke. I cannot imagine going through their deaths. I feel like I cannot live without them and donít have anyone else than them left. And I feel angry that they have had to worry over me and Iíve lost so many years with them.

There is also this weird flavor of nostalgia that I cannot wrap my head around. Itís not the good kind, itís a bitter feeling of wanting to go back to 80ís and 90ís when I was a kid and everything was still good and simpler. I end up watching a lot of old cartoons and cry for the lost years. All these emotions are just so overwhelming I feel at times I could drown in them. Right now it seems as if I have no future or the future I have, is very gloomy, dark and lonely.

Anyone feel this way? I constantly keep wondering if this is wd or just the age I am in. (Mid 30ís)
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[Buddie]

Re: Nostalgia, extreme loneliness, fear of ending up alone
« Reply #1 on: September 10, 2021, 02:44:26 pm »
You're so young to be suffering so much and for so long!  I'm so sorry these drugs have robbed so much from you!

I definitely understand the bitter nostalgia thing.  I tend to cry too when I look at old photos of me when I felt good and things were so much less complicated, or seem so now anyway. 
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Nostalgia, extreme loneliness, fear of ending up alone
« Reply #2 on: September 10, 2021, 02:55:22 pm »
I could have written this myself. Although mid 40ís now, had to move back in with my parents.

You're definitely not alone
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Nostalgia, extreme loneliness, fear of ending up alone
« Reply #3 on: September 10, 2021, 04:01:16 pm »
I feel as if I could have written this as well, the bitter nostalgia, the friends moving on, the suffering for years. The deep deep regrets. The longing. Going back over the past. Often feeling like the last human left on Earth. Beautifully esperessed.

My parents both died in 2007, leaving me an orphan, but I was too drugged on psych meds to really feel the pain and process the emotions. When I started to come off the drugs in 2015, that was when the processing began. I do have a partner though, and so I have one person in this world, though it is complicated and often wish I were alone, but I don't know if that is from a pre-existing psychological issue. It can be very comforting though, to have someone to talk with who truly knows you. (I will never have children).

I think that there are many many people who feel this way, Wilding, but they are not brave enough to post on social media about it. I think it can be age-related as the existential issues arise after the excitement and momentum of youth has subsided, and it is also deeply related to the psychological trauma of going through withdrawal. I never was more obsessed with feeling alone as I was during the first years of withdrawal; with intrusive thoughts, with mono phobia, with cycling through every damn mistake I ever made in my life over and over again. As time wears on, many of these feelings have waned a bit, but their ghosts linger.

I have reached the conclusion that we are physically born alone, we physically go through his life alone, but we are never truly alone. The horror of this experience has opened my eyes in a different way- a newfound spirituality.

It may have developed as a way to comfort me in my loneliness, but I think it is because my heart finally opened up to seeing our inter-connectedness. I believe we are essentially one soul placed in different bodies, and that our separateness is an illusion.  I have definitely been watching a lot of people's near-death experience stories on YouTube and it has completely changed my outlook though it doesn't change my day to day reality that it is hard to connect to people in real life. I think it is too early in the day for me to talk about that stuff, lol, but I just wanted to chime in because your post deeply touched me.


Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Nostalgia, extreme loneliness, fear of ending up alone
« Reply #4 on: September 10, 2021, 05:03:30 pm »
You're so young to be suffering so much and for so long!  I'm so sorry these drugs have robbed so much from you!

I definitely understand the bitter nostalgia thing.  I tend to cry too when I look at old photos of me when I felt good and things were so much less complicated, or seem so now anyway.

Thank you for sharing and I appreciate your compassion! Iím so sorry that you feel this way too and have to grieve the lost times. Maybe that is part of this healing and all we can do is allow these emotions to go through us.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Nostalgia, extreme loneliness, fear of ending up alone
« Reply #5 on: September 10, 2021, 05:06:40 pm »
I could have written this myself. Although mid 40ís now, had to move back in with my parents.

You're definitely not alone


Thank you for sharing, you too are not alone in this! Iím so sorry you are going through this as well. Itís so hard to burden your parents at this age, it should be the other way around. I feel like I am one of the reason they are so tired and get ill all the time because they have to worry about me. And it breaks my heart, although at the same time I am so grateful for them.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Nostalgia, extreme loneliness, fear of ending up alone
« Reply #6 on: September 10, 2021, 05:13:32 pm »
My parents both died in 2007, leaving me an orphan, but I was too drugged on psych meds to really feel the pain and process the emotions. When I started to come off the drugs in 2015, that was when the processing began. I do have a partner though, and so I have one person in this world, though it is complicated and often wish I were alone, but I don't know if that is from a pre-existing psychological issue. It can be very comforting though, to have someone to talk with who truly knows you. (I will never have children).

It may have developed as a way to comfort me in my loneliness, but I think it is because my heart finally opened up to seeing our inter-connectedness. I believe we are essentially one soul placed in different bodies, and that our separateness is an illusion.  I have definitely been watching a lot of people's near-death experience stories on YouTube and it has completely changed my outlook though it doesn't change my day to day reality that it is hard to connect to people in real life. I think it is too early in the day for me to talk about that stuff, lol, but I just wanted to chime in because your post deeply touched me.

I am so sorry to hear about your parents, my deepest condolences. I can only imagine the pain that you are now waking up to after being numbed out by these meds when it happened. Thank you so much for sharing your experience! It really helps to hear that you are not alone in this.

I also sometimes think it would be best to be alone because I donít want to burden my family with these heavy things. But then again I couldnít have survived this alone because I was unable to even shower for months by myself let alone buy groceries and cook.

I can so relate to this new found spirituality you have experienced and feel the same way about consciousness! And have also watched a lot of NDEs to comfort during the worst darkness. When the mind is under so much pressure it doesnít have any other choice than to expand and open. It is such a curious thing how this much suffering actually opens the heart so much that you start to see other truths. Iíve had pretty intense and wild spiritual experiences also during this, like during a meditation feeling the oneness and merging consciousness etc. But they are always so short lived and are replaced with the torment of wd that I loose touch to the spiritual side of this. Maybe it will come back once we heal more. I sure hope so. I feel it is a battle between mind and soul - the other one works from ego and the other one from heart. But the whole system is so broken down right now that the connection to soul and the spirit is cut off and we feel so alone and abandoned.
« Last Edit: September 10, 2021, 05:19:54 pm by [Buddie] »
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Nostalgia, extreme loneliness, fear of ending up alone
« Reply #7 on: September 10, 2021, 06:03:19 pm »
The different mental states that the broken nervous system makes us go through is perplexing! Mine cycle from heavy SI, depression, anhedonia, crying spells, envy, anger, frustration, terror & anxiety to all the weird stuff in between that cannot be explained. Every day something, but it seems to change from month to month.

Iíve had this before, but right now I have been in a wave that has brought up feelings of crushing loneliness, itís as if I was the last human on earth abandoned and totally on my own. I also feel immense fear, that Iíll end up alone in this life since right now I cannot perceive a future where I could make deep friendships and relationships with new people. My old friends have pretty much moved on with their lives (which I understand since I have been extremely ill for years) and I donít have a family of my own (meaning a partner or children). I currently live with my older parents who just retired and have had to take care of me for he past year since I have been severely disabled and bed bound. I can see how they get older and tired and have illnesses and the fear of loosing them grabs my stomach and makes me want to puke. I cannot imagine going through their deaths. I feel like I cannot live without them and donít have anyone else than them left. And I feel angry that they have had to worry over me and Iíve lost so many years with them.

There is also this weird flavor of nostalgia that I cannot wrap my head around. Itís not the good kind, itís a bitter feeling of wanting to go back to 80ís and 90ís when I was a kid and everything was still good and simpler. I end up watching a lot of old cartoons and cry for the lost years. All these emotions are just so overwhelming I feel at times I could drown in them. Right now it seems as if I have no future or the future I have, is very gloomy, dark and lonely.

Anyone feel this way? I constantly keep wondering if this is wd or just the age I am in. (Mid 30ís)

Wilding,
Oh my GOODNESS this was one of my biggest symptoms!!  Yes, yes and yes.
I would lament for HOURS over lost time (I'm 55), worry about losing loved ones, convince myself I would die alone, and so on and son on.
It's was torture!
PLEASE, find the thread on this forum that talks about "what's going on in your brain" and read it.
Then read it again.
This is merely your brain healing.  Your neurotransmitters need to grow back to process better.
WHILE that's happening, it's SO important for you to feed your brain positive thoughts!
Even though as you say them to yourself you don't necessarily believe them.
Remind yourself of every loved one you have and why you love them and why you KNOW they love you.
If you have a Higher Power, remind yourself that you are loved by your Creator.
Remind yourself that you are an AMAZING person capable of making friends and having people you haven't even met yet love you.
Remind yourself that your future is going to be AMAZING once you get through this - WHICH YOU ARE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS!

Please know I felt EVERYTHING you described and it went away.  It took me 2+ years to heal, but all of these feelings faded over time and now I feel love and joy beyond ANYTHING I did prior to withdrawal.  Love and happiness and joy are now accompanied by a feeling like I can't even contain the happiness . . like I'm going to explode from it because it's so BEAUTIFULLY overwhelming!

I promise, it's going to happen for you too!!

Fakeit
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Nostalgia, extreme loneliness, fear of ending up alone
« Reply #8 on: September 10, 2021, 09:20:14 pm »
Iím so sorry youíve been going through this for so long. Thank you, though, for sharing because now I know my existential ache (at least in part) comes from wd. Iíve felt disconnected from higher power, alone, certain of social decline, and taking refuge in watching Buffy. But the weight has eased-up over the months, for which Iím grateful.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Nostalgia, extreme loneliness, fear of ending up alone
« Reply #9 on: September 11, 2021, 12:21:38 am »
Wilding you have such a great way with words, everything you describe is exactly how Ive been feeling especially in this setback..and nostalgia! yes nostalgia has been bad, I was never a person to dwell on the past but now that's where I live ...the Past :( I hope it passes, thank you for giving us hope Fakeit.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.