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[[Wi...]]

I have erased this post.

[[th...]]

Good post

 

Im 17 months off myself

I started to get DR about 4 years ago when I was still on it, experiencing high anxiety, paranoia and healh anxiety

 

3 mo after I tapered I was admitted to hospital with a micro perforation of colon,,,,5 days of IV antibiotics as well as 10 days of amox after that

I dont know for sure if that set me back, but a month later things went downhill fast

 

For me its the physical, the mental is there for sure, expecially the strange DR, I feel this in my body, my muscles, sore cramping tight, stiff

I used to be wild and joyus, but feel empty and like unexcited about everything

 

The DR for feels like life had become unfamiliar and not the way I remember it, strange, hazy, distant,,,,

I think its anxiety and fear based, I think stress and the drugs have induced this, I was NEVER like this

 

I think over time for most it subsides, but this benzo shit can take years for some people, at 17 mo its getting more intense, and its scary at times how tense and agitated I feel

good thing I have had 1000 medical tests that say im fine, even though it doesnt feel like it

[[Ka...]]

You've described it perfectly, ever since my set back I've had the exact same thing, the feeling of void, nothingness, like I'm not even here ..it is almost like another level of dp and it's still here 16 months later ..it's very depressing.

[[Wi...]]

So sorry for the both of you. It’s such a hard thing to live with. because you aren’t really living.

[[th...]]

Wild

 

I personally dont have those feelings, I have thought about that angle, but I dont ruminate about that one

Life has meaning, it what YOU give it, the only thing we know for sure it that we are here now having an experience now

 

If you are looking for a deeper meaning good luck, its driven great minds to think for centuries

 

think about what around you, your immediate circle and your well being, onece you start to feel better this will fade

 

You cant control other people, focus on things that facilitate your well being

 

Peace

[Guest [68...]]

I have feelings and thoughts like this at times. You ever read Ecclesiastes from the bible? It talks about all of this.

[[Be...]]

I feel like the rest of the world is out having fun and enjoying themselves and doing things and feeling alive and I feel like I'm stuck in a deep dungeon and can't get out.  I'm severely depressed.  I feel no sense of joy or optimism ever about my future.  The pleasure center of my brain is broken.   

[[Ch...]]

I get this. Basically feel a background of nihilism and for purely pragmatic reasons (nihilism is measurably bad for the body) decided to find a credible alternative. Secular Buddhism really does it for me because there’s a space at the center of all things, but it’s abundant rather than void. Not sure if I believe it as a truth statement, but it feels better to lean into.

[[Wi...]]

Thank you everyone for sharing your experience!

[[un...]]

I will chime in with my two cents and will provide some glimmer of hope.  I have been on a boatload of drugs with many cold turkeys.  I experienced this total loss of self and anhedonia.  I could not connect with my memories, I could not feel love for anything, music did not touch me at all, I could not laugh or cry.  This lasted over a year for me.  Complete nothingness.  Feelings crept back in eventually. Most of my symptoms are gone or minimal and I am only left with severe head pressure and head and neck tightness. 

I hope this provides a little encouragement to hang in there. 

Take care.

[[Ne...]]

Hello,

 

    I want to say I know exactly for what you are going through. I've been there. Suddenly, one day as I were driving home, it hit me: An asteroid can hit earth right now, and, destroy everything on earth! Then, I started thinking ( this was before Covid ) some sort of new illness could come and wipe out every-one much-like the Black Death ( imagine how much of a mess I truly were when Covid hit!). I constantly thought ... any-one-thing can come along and destroy life as we know it ...

    So, then, what's the point of even living?

    What is the purpose of existing, if, all we have to do is constantly fight -in order- too live...

    My Mantra became: We live only to Die....

    And there's nothing-afterwards. Lights-out! Nothing...

    Talk about being scared? I was terrorized every day of my life.

    But guess what? This actually made me stronger, and, too, realize there really is more to life than we know. Breathe. Play a video game-even if it is all you can do. Read. Sing to yourself...by all means-talk to yourself ( just-don't answer yourself back ). Trust me it helps. I was there. The Nothingness...the Devil...indeed I know the Darkness however it has made me stronger. Therefore, I look back and realize I faced my Fear: fear -in and of- itself....

    Yes. it will break you. It will erase you.

    But this is the opportunity for You to find Your-Self. What makes You, You? What is new about you? Why?

    Remember too take the journey. Oh yes, it will be scary. It will be pointless.

    But, that's the point isn't? Otherwise, why are you here....

    It will pass -in the meantime- breathe and pick yourself up. Trust me-you are about to become stronger than you ever thought imaginable!

[[Ne...]]

You've described it perfectly, ever since my set back I've had the exact same thing, the feeling of void, nothingness, like I'm not even here ..it is almost like another level of dp and it's still here 16 months later ..it's very depressing.

 

Hi Kathy...I was hoping you were healed.  I'm entering the 9th month of my setback.  All hellish symptoms still. Of course the mental torture, severe depression and lack of joy or pleasure feelings are the worst.  Exactly as said..."A feeling of Nothingness". I'm so sorry for all of us.  What we suffer is unimaginable.

[[Wi...]]

I will chime in with my two cents and will provide some glimmer of hope.  I have been on a boatload of drugs with many cold turkeys.  I experienced this total loss of self and anhedonia.  I could not connect with my memories, I could not feel love for anything, music did not touch me at all, I could not laugh or cry.  This lasted over a year for me.  Complete nothingness.  Feelings crept back in eventually. Most of my symptoms are gone or minimal and I am only left with severe head pressure and head and neck tightness. 

I hope this provides a little encouragement to hang in there. 

Take care.

 

 

Thank you so much for giving us hope!  I am a year out of my setback and I am looking forward to these returning feelings and emotions for even the smallest of moments. I miss feeling alive. Right now just hanging around in some weird timeless and numb waiting room.

 

Hope that the rest of your symptoms will ease soon. You’ve come a long way. We’ve all come so far. I have so much compassion for anyone that has had to go through this hell. It’s unbelievable as in no one believes it except the ones who’ve gone through it.

 

- Wild

[[Wi...]]

Hello,

 

    I want to say I know exactly for what you are going through. I've been there. Suddenly, one day as I were driving home, it hit me: An asteroid can hit earth right now, and, destroy everything on earth! Then, I started thinking ( this was before Covid ) some sort of new illness could come and wipe out every-one much-like the Black Death ( imagine how much of a mess I truly were when Covid hit!). I constantly thought ... any-one-thing can come along and destroy life as we know it ...

    So, then, what's the point of even living?

    What is the purpose of existing, if, all we have to do is constantly fight -in order- too live...

    My Mantra became: We live only to Die....

    And there's nothing-afterwards. Lights-out! Nothing...

    Talk about being scared? I was terrorized every day of my life.

    But guess what? This actually made me stronger, and, too, realize there really is more to life than we know. Breathe. Play a video game-even if it is all you can do. Read. Sing to yourself...by all means-talk to yourself ( just-don't answer yourself back ). Trust me it helps. I was there. The Nothingness...the Devil...indeed I know the Darkness however it has made me stronger. Therefore, I look back and realize I faced my Fear: fear -in and of- itself....

    Yes. it will break you. It will erase you.

    But this is the opportunity for You to find Your-Self. What makes You, You? What is new about you? Why?

    Remember too take the journey. Oh yes, it will be scary. It will be pointless.

    But, that's the point isn't? Otherwise, why are you here....

    It will pass -in the meantime- breathe and pick yourself up. Trust me-you are about to become stronger than you ever thought imaginable!

 

 

Wow, Thank you so much for sharing and for your encouragement! It is safe to say you know the feeling. I will trust you 

 

I try to distract. It’s all I can do. I paint, color, draw, crochet. I hang on.

 

I can’t wait to become the stronger version of my self! I can’t wait to see how this darkness turns to light. It will me magic. And the feelings returning and truly being a part of something again. Part of this world and reality again which is why we are here. And not in this weird waiting room of utter nothingness.

[[Wi...]]

You've described it perfectly, ever since my set back I've had the exact same thing, the feeling of void, nothingness, like I'm not even here ..it is almost like another level of dp and it's still here 16 months later ..it's very depressing.

 

Hi Kathy...I was hoping you were healed.  I'm entering the 9th month of my setback.  All hellish symptoms still. Of course the mental torture, severe depression and lack of joy or pleasure feelings are the worst.  Exactly as said..."A feeling of Nothingness". I'm so sorry for all of us.  What we suffer is unimaginable.

 

I’m sorry to hear you too, have had a setback I am in one as well. It is truly exhausting but at least we are not totally alone in this and there have been people who walked before us and healed, even from severe setbacks. It just takes time I guess.

[[Ne...]]

You've described it perfectly, ever since my set back I've had the exact same thing, the feeling of void, nothingness, like I'm not even here ..it is almost like another level of dp and it's still here 16 months later ..it's very depressing.

 

Hi Kathy...I was hoping you were healed.  I'm entering the 9th month of my setback.  All hellish symptoms still. Of course the mental torture, severe depression and lack of joy or pleasure feelings are the worst.  Exactly as said..."A feeling of Nothingness". I'm so sorry for all of us.  What we suffer is unimaginable.

 

I’m sorry to hear you too, have had a setback I am in one as well. It is truly exhausting but at least we are not totally alone in this and there have been people who walked before us and healed, even from severe setbacks. It just takes time I guess.

 

 

Wildling...I'm so sorry for you, too.  Do you know what caused yours?  This is my 5th setback...severely hellish mental torture is the worst!!! And not being able to feel any joy or pleasure EVER, constant queasiness and having to force feed because food makes me sick and severe fatigue with legs, arms and back feel laden with cement.  The severe depression is over the top!!  No reprieve at all for 8 months now.  I was healed for 7 months before this setback and I was totally living life. My 4th setback lasted 11 months.  7 months in between was such a short time but my heart goes out to those that have never even gotten a window!!  I think supplementing with vitamin D plus K, a flouride treatment and antibiotic nose cream may have caused this setback along with COVID and isolation.  I force myself to go to work.  Too scary to stay home.  I live alone.

[[Wi...]]

I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine how rough this must be alone.

 

Mine was caused by UTI and antibiotics last fall. I was almost at the end of my taper. I also felt 85% healed for 4 months and was living my live and studying again. Then crash boom. And this one has been more severe than anything else before although I was polydrugged and had tolerance and wd issues for 3 years before this setback. Like a true brain- and nervous system damage and the healing has been extremely slow. I am bed bound still. Just have to go day at a time and hold on.

[[Ne...]]

I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine how rough this must be alone.

 

Mine was caused by UTI and antibiotics last fall. I was almost at the end of my taper. I also felt 85% healed for 4 months and was living my live and studying again. Then crash boom. And this one has been more severe than anything else before although I was polydrugged and had tolerance and wd issues for 3 years before this setback. Like a true brain- and nervous system damage and the healing has been extremely slow. I am bed bound still. Just have to go day at a time and hold on.

I am so sorry!  Since you mentioned studying again, I hope you are young and able to recapture all the years you have missed out on once you are healed again! I totally get the extremely slow healing.  I know I have healed some in the last 8 months, it's just that it is such a slow process and symptoms have somewhat lessened but not enough to make a major difference. 

[[Ho...]]

I read a success story once by someone named River Wolf (I think)? and he talked about this void/nothingness and talked about his spiritual connection being cut off. I totally understand what you are describing and that is what I think makes this whole thing feel for lack of a better word, demonic. Like whatever is going on in our brains is a spiritual death of sorts besides the emotional and physical. I did read that when he got better all of it came back and he felt connected again to himself, spiritual life and felt such immense connection it made him cry. Anyway, I think what you are describing is spot on and I am feeling it too. I am a religious person who is praying my face off more than ever now and going to church more than ever and getting prayers read for me and I feel nothing. zip. zero. nada. A void. It is the worst part for me. But I do believe others when they say it went away. Thank you for putting it in words.

 

[[Wi...]]

I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine how rough this must be alone.

 

Mine was caused by UTI and antibiotics last fall. I was almost at the end of my taper. I also felt 85% healed for 4 months and was living my live and studying again. Then crash boom. And this one has been more severe than anything else before although I was polydrugged and had tolerance and wd issues for 3 years before this setback. Like a true brain- and nervous system damage and the healing has been extremely slow. I am bed bound still. Just have to go day at a time and hold on.

I am so sorry!  Since you mentioned studying again, I hope you are young and able to recapture all the years you have missed out on once you are healed again! I totally get the extremely slow healing.  I know I have healed some in the last 8 months, it's just that it is such a slow process and symptoms have somewhat lessened but not enough to make a major difference.

 

Exactly! You hit the nail in the head - some healing has happened but not enough for it to make a difference in the daily life. This healing process isn’t very grateful as it only sucks a little bit less every few months, but every day is still a matter of survival. The baseline that normal people have when they are sick is really our window! Ah to be consumed with the everyday ailments of normal life again, what a walk in the park it would be. So crazy!!

 

I am still in the young age of 32 and was deepening my knowledge in my field with extra studies. But I guess life has it’s own plan for us. And I’m becoming more and more accepting of that, because if something makes you surrender to life, it’s this.

[[Wi...]]

I read a success story once by someone named River Wolf (I think)? and he talked about this void/nothingness and talked about his spiritual connection being cut off. I totally understand what you are describing and that is what I think makes this whole thing feel for lack of a better word, demonic. Like whatever is going on in our brains is a spiritual death of sorts besides the emotional and physical. I did read that when he got better all of it came back and he felt connected again to himself, spiritual life and felt such immense connection it made him cry. Anyway, I think what you are describing is spot on and I am feeling it too. I am a religious person who is praying my face off more than ever now and going to church more than ever and getting prayers read for me and I feel nothing. zip. zero. nada. A void. It is the worst part for me. But I do believe others when they say it went away. Thank you for putting it in words.

 

Thank you so much for sharing. It helps to know other people have it this severe so I can even try to reason my mind that this will pass and is indeed the same benzo injury. We are not alone even through right now we can’t feel connected to anything. You put it well when you said that it feels like we are cut off from the spirit. I imagine I will also cry tears of joy when it comes back. I hope it does. There’s nothing more precious than this life and this moment.

 

I am sorry you have experienced this too, it is beyond inhumane. I wish us both speedy recovery. All the best to you.

[[Wa...]]

Hello everyone,

 

Those of you that are suffering intensely from being in this “void” , I want to assure you that you will come out of this place.  I am 39 months post jump and I entered my void 3 months after I jumped and it was terrifying to feel that nothingness.  It lasted acutely for several months and then got better very, very slowly.  Almost imperceptibly, but it did go away.  I haven’t felt it for about 18 months now.

 

What helped me was keeping my eyes open, I could not pray or meditate with my eyes closed, spending as much time as I could outside to stay grounded, and doing things to occupy my mind and hands as best I could.  All of that helped with the anxiety of it and helped me feel plugged in to what was real. 

 

You will get there.  Blessings on your recovery.

[[wi...]]

I feel like the rest of the world is out having fun and enjoying themselves and doing things and feeling alive and I feel like I'm stuck in a deep dungeon and can't get out.  I'm severely depressed.  I feel no sense of joy or optimism ever about my future.  The pleasure center of my brain is broken. 

 

I'm am really feeling like this today especially..I was thinking I should stop kidding myself..I'm seriously mentally ill feeling like this.  I'm with you all in the lonely fear and isolation.  My face is dead-pan, no smile, no movement, zombie-like, internal anxiety, can't cry, so scared I'll never be me again.  I used to act, sing, teach meditation and work in a hospital treating people with clinical massage therapy.  I see myself there, but it's like I'm trapped behind a hazy piece of glass and can't merge with myself.  This xanax has really fucked with me. Depression is a weight around my neck.  This is why psychiatrist want to feed you more chemical drugs.  It happened to me before.  I ended up on six medications, xanax being one of them..long-term use.  I've come of  2 of the meds, a slow taper, and the benzo is the third.  I still have gabapentin and lamicatal to go..which also affect gabapentin receptors.  I don't know how I'm surviving all of this.  I do nightly brain plasticity meditations with deep body breathing..I am standing in faith that it is restoring me.  Everyone here will be in my thoughts and prayers.  I know what hell this is..you are not alone

[[Ch...]]

I was thinking about this thread the other day because, for the first time in nearly 1.5 years, I felt some inner spiritual stirring. It was brief, but profound because it showed me that, yes, part of this process has been a devastating dark night of the soul.

 

So pretty much my life now is about that one insight: that of course I’m grasping for all kinds of security because this process has turned my life upside-down. But my highest self is basically ascetic. All that I need is the peace I cultivate in a moment.

[[Wi...]]

Hello everyone,

 

Those of you that are suffering intensely from being in this “void” , I want to assure you that you will come out of this place.  I am 39 months post jump and I entered my void 3 months after I jumped and it was terrifying to feel that nothingness.  It lasted acutely for several months and then got better very, very slowly.  Almost imperceptibly, but it did go away.  I haven’t felt it for about 18 months now.

 

What helped me was keeping my eyes open, I could not pray or meditate with my eyes closed, spending as much time as I could outside to stay grounded, and doing things to occupy my mind and hands as best I could.  All of that helped with the anxiety of it and helped me feel plugged in to what was real. 

 

You will get there.  Blessings on your recovery.

 

Thank you for giving us all hope! 

 

I also struggle with keeping my eyes closed. It deepens the feeling. Blessings and all the best to you. Can’t wait to get out of this void.