Trying to keep hope

Hey all,

 

I'm keeping it short for now. I'm being on and off of benzo's for about 5 years now. I feel like I don't have my life under control anymore. I hope I get the chance to speak about my story in more detail.

 

Thanks.

Hi TryingToKeepHope   Welcome to Benzobuddies.

 

We are glad you joined and look forward to hearing more.  Hopefully you can tell us more about your benzodiazepine situation and support requirements, so we can best help you.  The type of benzodiazepine, you take or have taken. 

 

Welcome aboard

 

Magrita

 

Thanks for welcoming me! I'll tell my story in 3 sections:

 

1. I will try to tell my story short & sweet first, so everyone knows my current situation and has an idea of my benzo history.

 

2. After that I will tell the long version of the story so that I don't miss out on any details that might be important/helpful on getting me to a better mental place.

 

3. For the people that don't want to read my whole life story (understandable) I will put a heading "Conclusion" at the end.

 

Short version

 

Right now I'm on 20mg of diazepam a day. I've been using it for 5 weeks now, the first 4 weeks I took 50mg of diazepam or 5mg of alprazolam a day, I interchanged them a little bit, I usually kept the DDD on the same level. Since I've only been using diazepam/alprazolam for 5 weeks, I'm tapering down quickly. My plan is to be on 0 in within a week.

 

I've been using benzos on and off for about a good 6 years now. Most of the years without any real problems, but I had a few nasty periods of addiction with severe withdrawal symptoms that endured for months while tapering down. Usually I really try to avoid to use benzos everyday though, so typically I don't experience withdrawal symptoms on days I don't take them.

 

Long version

 

Like I said in my first introduction, I'm living life on/off benzos, so this situation of using for about a month and then tapering down again to be sober for about a month is nothing new to me. I'm 100% sure that I will be succesful again in going to 0 and be sober for at least a few weeks, not a single doubt about that, but unfortunately I'm 99% sure that I will be back on the benzos again in a matter of time.

 

What I think the problem for me is: I read a lot of stories about people being on benzos and hating it, hating being drowsy, being forgetful, seeing life through a "blur". For me it feels the other way around: when I'm sober, I'm so sensitive to all the internal/external stimuli, that this drains all my energy. When I'm sober and sitting outside for example on a nice sunny day, I can't enjoy it, because I feel there is danger everywhere and I have no mental rest, just always this feeling of flight/flight (to a greater or lesser extent). Of course I rationally realise this is nonsense, that I don't have to be worried about any dangers and that there is all the room in the world to relax and enjoy being outside in the sun. But physically and mentally I'm under complete tension. When I'm on benzos, it takes this feeling of being in danger away. It gives me mental rest, and it can make me actually see life for what it really is, and I can really enjoy these things like being outside on a sunny day.

 

Okay, now a little bit on my background story. Since my youth I have been "troublesome". Although being intelligent, I hated going to school from the very first school class when I was just 4. I was always getting in trouble, not being able to focus, and that causing me to be restless and being obnoxious for the rest of the class. But until the age of 12, things were still kind of doable for me. With my intelligence I could compensate for my big lack of concentration and behavioral problems, and although I always got into trouble at school, I always got very good grades.

 

That changed when I was 12. With all the different subjects and all the different teachers and all the different classrooms, I just couldn't keep up anymore. I really couldn't find my focus, and I guess that combined with puberty made me more rebellious than I already was. So I got into more and more trouble, got my first serious depression at the age of 12, and eventually got through school with a lot of counseling, different diagnoses, different medication (ritalin for example) and on/off depressions the whole time, some more severe than others. This all really affected my self-esteem really badly. The age of 12 was also when my imsomnia really started to be a problem. I just couldn't fall asleep at night, having no mental rest, and worrying a lot. Of course this chronic lack of sleep and always feeling tired didn't help as well. Thank God no stupid doctor prescribed me benzos for my sleeping problem at that time, because I definitely would've been hooked at an early age then. My first suicidal thoughts started when I was 14 years old. I hated school so much, so when I was 15, I got my first sidejob. I realised this was even worse than school, and this gave me the motivation to give everything I have to finish school.

 

I never had any intrinsic motivation though, did it all with pure discipline and perseverance, since that first sidejob I was determined to make something succesful of my life so I didn't have to end up working a dead-end job like that. At the age of 17 I became really into sports/working out, creating even more discipline for myself, but this was something that I actually really liked. It made me feel strong and good about myself, and I was pretty good at it. It cleared my head for a bit.

 

After school, which was really a burden for me, I went to university. During the years of my bachelor I was really lucky most of the time, because we barely had to do anything to pass the subjects. Being present in the classes was usually not mandatory, just making the final exam and handing in an assignment was usually enough. I am not proud of this, but I can honestly say that I always read a summary someone else wrote about the subject just 2 days before the exam, and that was always enough for me to pass the exam with a good grade. So most of my bachelor felt like one big holiday to be honest, but with my lack of energy and concentration it was good for me, it was enough. I trained/worked out a lot and got good grades for school so I was actually doing pretty good in life. The imsomnia was still present though, and the exam periods could be really stressful.

 

This was the time, in my early 20's, that I was introduced to alprazolam by a friend of mine. And I can not lie: I fell in love straight away. I never experienced something that could make me feel so relaxed, and just could make me fall asleep at command! I really realised the risks of addiction though, so I never took it irresponsibly in the first couple of years. It changed during the last time of my bachelor: I had to write my thesis, and this was a real burden for me, something that caused extreme stress and imsomnia, so this was the first time I got my "baby"benzo-addiction. After my thesis was done, I went cold turkey (I didn't know about the need of tapering down at that time) so I got some really unpleasant withdrawal symptoms. However, this didn't last long since it was a "baby"benzo-addiction, I think I took 1DDD for about 2 months every day.

 

After my bachelor is when the problems really started. Doing my masters, that was really not one big holiday anymore like my bachelor was. I couldn't cope with the stress, imsomnia started getting worse again, and taking benzos happened more frequently. I decided to study abroad for half a year, to see if living somewhere else could get me out of my mental pain, but unfortunately not. I got back, and got my worst benzo addiction I got so far, taking it for about 4 or 5 months everyday, being at 4DDD (alprazolam,diazepam,temazepam,whatever I could get my hands on) at the end. This was the first time I really learned about tapering down slowly, and that this was still a very unpleasent process.

 

After I tapered down completely, I started dating a girl, which led me to using benzos again, because without them I was just to nervous to do things like dating. Even with benzos I got the remark that I seemed really nervous. But I felt like this girl could bring a lot of positivity into my life, so on the days I saw her, I used benzos. On the days I didn't see her, I didn't use. Some other messed up stuff happened during this time though, leading me to using benzos everyday again for about 4 to 5 months, with a unpleasant withdrawal again. But with the love and support of this girl, everything was a lot more bearable. Shortly after I was completely tapered down to 0 I got into a relationship with that girl and that brought me a lot of good in my life.

 

I didn't want to use benzos anymore, but I found something else, "Phenibut". I know this stuff was addicting as hell too, so I was really careful with that, only taking it 3 times a week. This worked for me, I had 3 days in the week that were really nice and enjoyable and 4 days that were still messed up. But 57% of your days being messed up (4/7) is still way better than 100% of your days being messed up, so I was okay with that. I was still really struggling with my masters and had some small depressions here and there, but in general life was good for me, I had a goal in mind to build a future with this girl and that really motivated me to do well: stay off benzos, focus on my masters, and do on just 3 days of phenibut a week.

 

Conclusion

I started to get relationship problems with my girlfriend during the same time I discovered baclofen. I read on the internet that, contrary to phenibut, baclofen was safe for everyday use. It gave me the same feeling as phenibut did though, probably because I took way too high dosages of the baclofen.

 

My girlfriend broke up with me in the middle of the covid-19 pandemic, leaving me completely empty. Gyms were closed, so I didn't have my usual mental outlet anymore. I used baclofen everyday for about 3 months in high dosages, after finally realising that I was doing something really stupid and dangerous. It took me a little month to taper down from the baclofen, but this was pure horror, nothing you can even compare to benzo withdrawal. Because I felt like I really messed up my Gaba-b receptors with this extreme baclofen use, I didn't dare to take phenibut 3 times a week anymore like before, since phenibut also works on your Gaba-b receptors.

 

Now, since I don't take Phenibut anymore for about half a year now, 100% of my days are messed up again. I can't remember the last day anymore that I experienced happiness. I am isolated, living in my small apartment all by myself. I feel extremely lonely, but at the same time, meeting up with people sober feels extremely stressful. I don't know what to do. It feels like I can't do good. Right now I'm working out again almost everyday, but that's just a temporarily relief before I fall back into the extreme darkness, and I also feel like working out is draining energy that I just don't have at this moment. But if I don't work out, I feel even worse. I never felt so messed up in my life. Literally everything is stressful, even just visiting my parents for just one hour to have dinner with them. I used to do this multiple times a week and really enjoyed it, now I try to do it as little as possible.

 

I can try to blame it all on the benzo/baclofen abuse, but to be honest, I don't know what's wrong with me. Like I said, with my discipline and perseverance I'm 100% sure that I'll be back at 0mg benzo in no-time. But I don't want to live like this anymore, feeling stressed out by everything I have to do, even the smallest tasks. The things I already do:

 

- Try to eat as healthy as possible

- Take cold showers

- Go outside for walks

- Work out almost everyday

- Having social contacts, but really respecting my own boundaries there

- Use supplements: CBD-oil, valerian root tea, L-theanine, Ashwagandha KSM-66, Omega-3 fish oil

 

I think those things keep me from falling down even deeper, but it doesn't help me to get better. I'm on the waiting list for a psychologist since about half a year now, it's taking really long, but it is almost my time for the intake conversation. I don't have too much hope for this either: been there, done that.

 

By the way, I also did a meditation/mindfulness course a few years ago. I was very disciplined with that as well, but unfortunately that didn't give me any mental relief.

 

I feel like I'm really running out of options. Any advice is very welcome, thanks a lot for reading my story!

 

 

Edit: Content

I'd like to give you my impression of your situation, let me know if you feel it has merit. 

 

When you're at zero benzo use, it looks to me like you're experiencing withdrawal symptoms, everything you describe is what I felt when I stopped taking them but once I recovered from my use, all of those nasty symptoms and thoughts went away.  I wonder if you would give yourself more time to recover if you'd feel better, that might be a way to get off the benzo roller coaster.

 

Another thought, stopping and starting is rough on us, our body seems to remember past use and after awhile we pay a price for it and the recovery times get longer and more painful, I hope you can find a way to not start again if you're successful in getting off of it.

 

I don't have any experience with the other drugs you've been taking but I do understand addiction because I have this problem and I can see you attempting manage it which for most people isn't possible. 

Hey Pamster,

 

Nice nickname haha, and thanks for your reply. I understand what you say and I do recognize this from my first couple of benzo withdrawals. Even when I had a rough withdrawal because I abused benzos for 4/5 months, and slowly tapered down, I always noticed a significant change when I was at 0mg. The first week or few weeks could still be unpleasant with withdrawal symptoms, but those symptoms gradually reduce over time, this is something you feel and notice. Now, when I use benzos for just 4 weeks, and do a 1 (or maybe 2) week taper, it's not the same anymore when I'm at 0mg: the first week I'm at 0mg feels doable, but it gets worse in week 2 being at 0mg, week 3 being at 0mg, etc. I think because of the imsomnia and the stress accumulating. And that's when I usually start taking benzos again, when I feel like I've had so many consecutive days of too little sleep that it's becoming unhealthy and dangerous.

 

I want to take a long time to recover, like you say, take nothing at all. Preferably, never again. But in this current environment, having no girlfriend and still feeling that pain very intensely, doing a masters that I highly doubt I am capable of, having a student loan that's growing bigger and bigger... I want to create an healthy environment for myself where there is time and space to heal for a longer time. But I feel like in my current situation this is absolutely impossible. Especially when not on benzos, energy and focus and self-esteem are extremely low

I'm new here, too and trying to keep hope, today it has been hard to do that! I think this seems to be a very caring and supportive community.  I'm looking forward to both of us getting through this on day at a time. Sending you thoughts of goodness and love.

Thanks Imnot crazy for the support.

 

Does anyone have some specific advice on my situation though? Should I maybe ask my question elsewhere on the forum?

 

Does anyone recognize the struggle of staying sober from benzos after succesfully tapering down to 0mg? This tapering down is definitely no joke, but I'm 100% sure I'll make it, but how am I going to live life when I can never relax, never sleep properly?

 

I guess I need an alternative for benzos to relax in daily life, but I haven't found it yet. The way I'm living now, being at home the whole day by myself is "okay", doable, because I literally don't need to do anything else than "surviving".

 

But when study start again in two weeks, how am I going to do this, with all this stress, imsomnia, I just don't know it. It's a pattern that has been going on for years. I really need some help with this. Any help is welcome, maybe alternative medicines, or supplements. I already listed the supplements I currently use in my second post in this topic. I also tried magnesium and 5-htp before.

 

Thanks!

I'm sorry, we neglected to provide you with the links we give new members for navigating the forum.  Magrita needed more information from you in order to point you in the right direction but in my post I jumped right in and started talking to you, apologies.

 

You'll find information about supplements on the Alternative Therapies & Supplements board, there are many members who feel they help but be careful, there are just as many who find themselves too sensitive while going through this.

 

You might was to post on the Withdrawal Support (during your taper) board while you're tapering and the Post-withdrawal Recovery Support when your taper is complete.

 

If you would like some input on your taper feel free to post on the Planning Your Withdrawal (Taper Plans) board and others will offer their experience.

 

As for your question about staying sober, most of our members are so happy to be free from the drug and recovered from its use that taking another benzo is the last thing on their minds.  I'm in the minority here, most of our members aren't addicts, but its easy for me because I'm deathly afraid of these drugs, it was the worst experience of my life and I don't ever want to repeat it.

No problem Pamster, thanks for pointing me in the right direction. No need to apologize, your post was with good intentions!

 

So right now, is it okay if I copy and paste the text from my second post in this topic, and create two new topics in withdrawal support and in alternative therapies & supplements? Post-withdrawal is not relevant right now, I hope very soon, and I have already planned out the tapering for myself.

 

I've read a lot of stories here indeed of people that got prescribed benzos by very stupid doctors, without a good reason, and without telling how dangerous/addictive benzos are. Especially if you just take them because the doctor tells you to do so, and not because you like it, I can really understand that you are super happy to never have to touch benzos again. For me it was different, I got the benzos from a friend of mine and was completely aware of the dangers. In the beginning I was super careful with them, but life was so much easier back then, so I never felt the urge to take everyday, just occasionally. But later on I had so many moments in my life that I felt like life was getting out of my control with all the pressure on my shoulders, that benzos seemed like the only options to get me through all of the stress.

 

Even now, I'm just being honest: the whole day I've been disciplined to wait before I could take my 15mg of diazepam, literally going on walks the whole time, not just outside but also non-stop restless walking inside my apartment, counting hour by hour, in the last hour minute by minute. And then when I take the 15mg, I instantly feel like a load is lifted of my shoulder, and I can be a little bit happier again.

 

To be honest I have to admit that I am proud of myself that I can put myself through this pain, just a week ago I was at 5DDD and now I'm already at 1.5DDD, but I'm also jealous (not envious of course!) of the people that see being on benzos as a burden, and are feeling better when they have tapered down to 0 (and stayed sober for a month or so) and then never want to use benzos again. Unfortunately I really don't have this. I love the feeling of having all the stress toned down a little. But I know it's bad for me, that's why I want to quit.

You're welcome of course to post whatever you wish but I would advise you that less is more.  Most of our members are cognitively challenged at the moment so its difficult to read and absorb long posts.  Those which are short and to the point tend to get more replies.

 

I and many others who are recovered have found that normal anxiety is nothing compared to the anxiety tolerance and withdrawal from benzo's produces, I hope you'll find this out for yourself if you allow enough time to recover from your use. 

Long version

 

Like I said in my first introduction, I'm living life on/off benzos, so this situation of using for about a month and then tapering down again to be sober for about a month is nothing new to me. I'm 100% sure that I will be succesful again in going to 0 and be sober for at least a few weeks, not a single doubt about that, but unfortunately I'm 99% sure that I will be back on the benzos again in a matter of time.

 

What I think the problem for me is: I read a lot of stories about people being on benzos and hating it, hating being drowsy, being forgetful, seeing life through a "blur". For me it feels the other way around: when I'm sober, I'm so sensitive to all the internal/external stimuli, that this drains all my energy. When I'm sober and sitting outside for example on a nice sunny day, I can't enjoy it, because I feel there is danger everywhere and I have no mental rest, just always this feeling of flight/flight (to a greater or lesser extent). Of course I rationally realise this is nonsense, that I don't have to be worried about any dangers and that there is all the room in the world to relax and enjoy being outside in the sun. But physically and mentally I'm under complete tension. When I'm on benzos, it takes this feeling of being in danger away. It gives me mental rest, and it can make me actually see life for what it really is, and I can really enjoy these things like being outside on a sunny day.

 

Okay, now a little bit on my background story. Since my youth I have been "troublesome". Although being intelligent, I hated going to school from the very first school class when I was just 4. I was always getting in trouble, not being able to focus, and that causing me to be restless and being obnoxious for the rest of the class. But until the age of 12, things were still kind of doable for me. With my intelligence I could compensate for my big lack of concentration and behavioral problems, and although I always got into trouble at school, I always got very good grades.

 

That changed when I was 12. With all the different subjects and all the different teachers and all the different classrooms, I just couldn't keep up anymore. I really couldn't find my focus, and I guess that combined with puberty made me more rebellious than I already was. So I got into more and more trouble, got my first serious depression at the age of 12, and eventually got through school with a lot of counseling, different diagnoses, different medication (ritalin for example) and on/off depressions the whole time, some more severe than others. This all really affected my self-esteem really badly. The age of 12 was also when my imsomnia really started to be a problem. I just couldn't fall asleep at night, having no mental rest, and worrying a lot. Of course this chronic lack of sleep and always feeling tired didn't help as well. Thank God no stupid doctor prescribed me benzos for my sleeping problem at that time, because I definitely would've been hooked at an early age then. My first suicidal thoughts started when I was 14 years old. I hated school so much, so when I was 15, I got my first sidejob. I realised this was even worse than school, and this gave me the motivation to give everything I have to finish school.

 

I never had any intrinsic motivation though, did it all with pure discipline and perseverance, since that first sidejob I was determined to make something succesful of my life so I didn't have to end up working a dead-end job like that. At the age of 17 I became really into sports/working out, creating even more discipline for myself, but this was something that I actually really liked. It made me feel strong and good about myself, and I was pretty good at it. It cleared my head for a bit.

 

After school, which was really a burden for me, I went to university. During the years of my bachelor I was really lucky most of the time, because we barely had to do anything to pass the subjects. Being present in the classes was usually not mandatory, just making the final exam and handing in an assignment was usually enough. I am not proud of this, but I can honestly say that I always read a summary someone else wrote about the subject just 2 days before the exam, and that was always enough for me to pass the exam with a good grade. So most of my bachelor felt like one big holiday to be honest, but with my lack of energy and concentration it was good for me, it was enough. I trained/worked out a lot and got good grades for school so I was actually doing pretty good in life. The imsomnia was still present though, and the exam periods could be really stressful.

 

This was the time, in my early 20's, that I was introduced to alprazolam by a friend of mine. And I can not lie: I fell in love straight away. I never experienced something that could make me feel so relaxed, and just could make me fall asleep at command! I really realised the risks of addiction though, so I never took it irresponsibly in the first couple of years. It changed during the last time of my bachelor: I had to write my thesis, and this was a real burden for me, something that caused extreme stress and imsomnia, so this was the first time I got my "baby"benzo-addiction. After my thesis was done, I went cold turkey (I didn't know about the need of tapering down at that time) so I got some really unpleasant withdrawal symptoms. However, this didn't last long since it was a "baby"benzo-addiction, I think I took 1DDD for about 2 months every day.

 

After my bachelor is when the problems really started. Doing my masters, that was really not one big holiday anymore like my bachelor was. I couldn't cope with the stress, imsomnia started getting worse again, and taking benzos happened more frequently. I decided to study abroad for half a year, to see if living somewhere else could get me out of my mental pain, but unfortunately not. I got back, and got my worst benzo addiction I got so far, taking it for about 4 or 5 months everyday, being at 4DDD (alprazolam,diazepam,temazepam,whatever I could get my hands on) at the end. This was the first time I really learned about tapering down slowly, and that this was still a very unpleasent process.

 

After I tapered down completely, I started dating a girl, which led me to using benzos again, because without them I was just to nervous to do things like dating. Even with benzos I got the remark that I seemed really nervous. But I felt like this girl could bring a lot of positivity into my life, so on the days I saw her, I used benzos. On the days I didn't see her, I didn't use. Some other messed up stuff happened during this time though, leading me to using benzos everyday again for about 4 to 5 months, with a unpleasant withdrawal again. But with the love and support of this girl, everything was a lot more bearable. Shortly after I was completely tapered down to 0 I got into a relationship with that girl and that brought me a lot of good in my life.

 

I didn't want to use benzos anymore, but I found something else, "Phenibut". I know this stuff was addicting as hell too, so I was really careful with that, only taking it 3 times a week. This worked for me, I had 3 days in the week that were really nice and enjoyable and 4 days that were still messed up. But 57% of your days being messed up (4/7) is still way better than 100% of your days being messed up, so I was okay with that. I was still really struggling with my masters and had some small depressions here and there, but in general life was good for me, I had a goal in mind to build a future with this girl and that really motivated me to do well: stay off benzos, focus on my masters, and do on just 3 days of phenibut a week.

 

Conclusion

I started to get relationship problems with my girlfriend during the same time I discovered baclofen. I read on the internet that, contrary to phenibut, baclofen was safe for everyday use. It gave me the same feeling as phenibut did though, probably because I took way too high dosages of the baclofen.

 

My girlfriend broke up with me in the middle of the covid-19 pandemic, leaving me completely empty. Gyms were closed, so I didn't have my usual mental outlet anymore. I used baclofen everyday for about 3 months in high dosages, after finally realising that I was doing something really stupid and dangerous. It took me a little month to taper down from the baclofen, but this was pure horror, nothing you can even compare to benzo withdrawal. Because I felt like I really messed up my Gaba-b receptors with this extreme baclofen use, I didn't dare to take phenibut 3 times a week anymore like before, since phenibut also works on your Gaba-b receptors.

 

Now, since I don't take Phenibut anymore for about half a year now, 100% of my days are messed up again. I can't remember the last day anymore that I experienced happiness. I am isolated, living in my small apartment all by myself. I feel extremely lonely, but at the same time, meeting up with people sober feels extremely stressful. I don't know what to do. It feels like I can't do good. Right now I'm working out again almost everyday, but that's just a temporarily relief before I fall back into the extreme darkness, and I also feel like working out is draining energy that I just don't have at this moment. But if I don't work out, I feel even worse. I never felt so messed up in my life. Literally everything is stressful, even just visiting my parents for just one hour to have dinner with them. I used to do this multiple times a week and really enjoyed it, now I try to do it as little as possible.

 

I can try to blame it all on the benzo/baclofen abuse, but to be honest, I don't know what's wrong with me. Like I said, with my discipline and perseverance I'm 100% sure that I'll be back at 0mg benzo in no-time. But I don't want to live like this anymore, feeling stressed out by everything I have to do, even the smallest tasks. The things I already do:

 

- Try to eat as healthy as possible

- Take cold showers

- Go outside for walks

- Work out almost everyday

- Having social contacts, but really respecting my own boundaries there

- Use supplements: CBD-oil, valerian root tea, L-theanine, Ashwagandha KSM-66, Omega-3 fish oil

 

I think those things keep me from falling down even deeper, but it doesn't help me to get better. I'm on the waiting list for a psychologist since about half a year now, it's taking really long, but it is almost my time for the intake conversation. I don't have too much hope for this either: been there, done that.

 

By the way, I also did a meditation/mindfulness course a few years ago. I was very disciplined with that as well, but unfortunately that didn't give me any mental relief.

 

I feel like I'm really running out of options. Any advice is very welcome, thanks a lot for reading my story!

 

Hello

I am going to reply to your long version as I read it so I don't miss any out.

 

Try to be positive, you can do this, I have seen someone on here years ago get off 400mg valium and opiates as well.

 

When sober you are so sensitive to all the internal/external stimuli, that this drains all of your energy. When you're sober and sitting outside for example on a nice sunny day, you can't enjoy it, because you feel there is danger everywhere and you have no mental rest, just always this feeling of flight/flight (to a greater or lesser extent).

 

Were you like this before benzos?

I am autistic and that causes anxiety and sensitivity, could you be?

 

I've struggled with drugs for years because they make me feel alive and I enjoy life on them, but my time with this fake feeling has come to an end, which is why I want off them, valium being the last drug which I am currently tapering with the help of my psychiatrist who is kindly prescribing them to me and monitoring them.

 

I spent sober days in bed, as I didn't take drugs daily, so I know what you mean.

I hated being in bed on a sunny day, I wanted to be out, but felt I could not do so without drugs.

 

I used to see myself as "troublesome". I am also intelligent, and I hated going to school from and early age, the work was boring, I clowned around, I was bullied and the teachers seemed to hate me.

That is how I felt.

I think I have ADHD but that is not diagnosed, and while I want an ADHD diagnosis I don't want ADHD drugs, I just want an official acknowledgment like my Asperger's as it helps me feel validated.

Right now I feel an impulsive loser because of ADHD symptoms, yet I feel validated from my autistic symptoms as I am officially diagnosed with that.

 

You sound like me, but I got lower marks than I was capable of, as I underachieved and dumbed myself down to fit in.

 

Yeah at 12 when we go in seniors school it is much bigger and more hectic.

This is where my marks lowered.

This is where I got bullied more.

 

A lady I went to school with once remarked on Facebook that she said I always looked very sad, and so did a work colleague in the late 80's. I think I had clinical depression.

 

I first felt suicidal at 8, but I did not have the sense to get help.

I was being bullied and abused at school and home, and when I took my sister to tell my teacher (twice) she just turned the conversation around on me.

I should have reached out for help as I was suicidal but cannot for the life of me think why.

 

Sorry you felt suicidal, please reach out for help if you do again.

 

Your pure discipline and perseverance shows you have what it takes to get off benzos.

 

Maybe the sports is your life path, you enjoyed it, maybe take it up again?

 

The stimulant meds won't have helped the insomnia. I used to be addicted to amphetamines, got off them easily, can't stand them now.

 

Of course, someone with your tense background would fall in love straight away with alprazolam.

 

I like to feel control, energy when I want, and sleep when I want, this is why I used drugs, but I want these things naturally now.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by 1DDD but sorry you went cold turkey, that must have taken guts as its hard.

 

Masters would be more stressful.

 

It is vital that you take the same one benzo as they all have differing half lives and can mess up your GABA A receptors. More information can be found here about crossing over to one benzo as each have their equivalent in diazepam - the link will take you straight to that section of the manual

https://www.benzo.org.uk/manual/bzcha02.htm#13

 

Dating can be stressful.

Also, increased use of benzos can make you feel more nervous, the more you take the more you want. This is why you can be nervous when on them, especially using different ones, and intermittently, but it can be solved.

 

Messed up stuff will happen when taking breaks from benzos as your body goes into withdrawal.

 

I know "Phenibut".

I couldnt take to it.

 

My drug days were better than my sober days when I used poly drugs.

 

Sorry to hear about relationship problems with your girlfriend during the same time you discovered baclofen.

 

Sorry to hear your girlfriend broke up with you in the middle of the covid-19 pandemic, leaving you completely empty.

Sorry Gyms were closed.

Sorry you had such pain from the baclofen taper.

 

Congratulations on not taking Phenibut anymore for about half a year now, while 100% of your days are messed up again, there is hope.

 

Not being able to remember the last day anymore that you experienced happiness makes me want to hug you.

I also feel isolated, living in a flat all by myself, when I go out, I feel fake, lately I am staying in bed more, I stayed in bed mainly for 3 years or more and lost over 6 stone due to external stressors that were not being solved.

 

You are doing great by staying sober and I understand meeting up with people sober feels extremely stressful.

 

"This, too shall pass" is a great phrase, it is not permanent.

 

For me, trauma laid behind drug abuse.

You are absolutely achieving well given your circumstances by doing the following.

- Try to eat as healthy as possible

- Take cold showers

- Go outside for walks

- Work out almost everyday

- Having social contacts, but really respecting my own boundaries there

- Use supplements: CBD-oil, valerian root tea, L-theanine, Ashwagandha KSM-66, Omega-3 fish oil

 

Mindfulness can trigger trauma. Maybe look at somatic therapy, or something called Internal Family Systems, Facebook have some great groups.

 

You are moving in the right direction, I really respect you beating all of those drugs.

You will get to a time when you can feel safe being out again.

 

 

 

Dear Tryingtokeephope,

 

I'm glad you're here and have enjoyed reading your Intro. You've explained your lifetime somewhat, obviously successful in school, a loving relationship and knowing yourself--and expressing yourself! I have some ideas from my own toolbox to share with you!

 

Your life has a lot of balance and good things, managing the emotional is key! I can't believe how long it takes to get a psychiatrist ... hope you get one you like, support is key!!! Just one of many things, when put altogether, will help. Some of us are high maintenance in this area!!! It's okay! It isn't fun!

 

They are a mind/body program and 12-step. Also coming here to this site is your daily med so find threads/groups you like and keep coming back!

 

I'm a lot older than you. Those younger years were very hard for me with anxiety and severe depression. Now that I'm older it is easier. Are you a perfectionist, I've learned that I am and ways it hurts me. The comment about not sure you're up to the task of your masters made me wonder, I also got a masters degree and that was so stressful.

 

I've also learned a lot about that fight or flight state and have found some very good help through Dr. Schubiner. My anxiety and depression manifested into chronic pain and I realized that his first book, Unlearn Your Anxiety and Depression, would also be appropriate for me. When I took anxiety med it seemed like the best pain med! So anyway, if you want to check it out and see what you think:

https://www.unlearnyourpain.com/Unlearn%20Your%20Anxiety%20Depression

 

More info:

https://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/Anxiety_Symptoms/Panic_Attacks

 

Perfectionism and flight or flight anxiety are related. Whether or not the term perfectionism seems right for you, it is all about our brain trying to protect us and we end up with anxiety and pain.

 

12-step meetings, now on zoom, are a place you can connect with others and I have gone to several programs over 5 decades. Sometimes it's a love/hate feeling but it is calming to not be alone in your distress. Narcotics Anonymous is one I know a member here tapering. Or other support groups.

 

You deserve to feel better!!!! I wish you well. If interested in talking more about anything I've said you can PM me.

 

Cheers,

Kachina

Hey journey and KachinaBirdsong,

 

Thanks both for reading my story and giving such in depth advice! I am reading it just now, I haven't been on the forum for about a week. I will reply in more detail soon, but I need to take some time for that. For now, I just wanted to say thanks and that I really appreciate the time & effort you took.

 

Small update on my situation: Last Friday I took the last 5mg of diazepam, since then I've been sober from benzos. It was relatively easy this time, I think because I only took benzos every day for about 5 weeks. I don't think I've experienced withdrawal symptoms this time, or just really mild. Staying off the benzos is mentally very challenging though. Sleep is bad, lots of nightmares, very low energy during the day. But from the positive side, I'm happy the tapering down went succesful again and I've been completely of the benzos now for almost a full week.

Hello

I am going to reply to your long version as I read it so I don't miss any out.

Thanks again for replying! I will go over the things in your message that I feel are good to respond to.

 

Try to be positive, you can do this, I have seen someone on here years ago get off 400mg valium and opiates as well.

Thanks, I know. I've done it now, basically. Now I just have to keep it at 0mg, at least for a little while.

 

When sober you are so sensitive to all the internal/external stimuli, that this drains all of your energy. When you're sober and sitting outside for example on a nice sunny day, you can't enjoy it, because you feel there is danger everywhere and you have no mental rest, just always this feeling of flight/flight (to a greater or lesser extent).

 

Were you like this before benzos?

I am autistic and that causes anxiety and sensitivity, could you be?

Yeah I already was like that before benzos, but not always, it depended on how stressed I was. I remember loving being outside on sunny days during particular periods of my life.

 

During my lifetime I got a lot of mental diagnoses thrown at me, but personally I am not a fan of giving people diagnoses for mental "diseases". Like you say later in your post, your diagnosis brought you a lot of good because things made sense for you, of course I'm happy for you that it had this positive effect on you! But I think in general, it stigmatizes people, and I don't like it. I don't need a label if you understand what I mean, I prefer looking at what I think is the specific problem (for example: poor concentration) and how to work around that.

 

Having said that, I don't think I'm autistic, because I don't lack social skills. It's just that I'm overstimulated quickly, which can be a symptom of ADHD as well.

 

I've struggled with drugs for years because they make me feel alive and I enjoy life on them, but my time with this fake feeling has come to an end, which is why I want off them, valium being the last drug which I am currently tapering with the help of my psychiatrist who is kindly prescribing them to me and monitoring them.

 

I spent sober days in bed, as I didn't take drugs daily, so I know what you mean.

I hated being in bed on a sunny day, I wanted to be out, but felt I could not do so without drugs.

Good luck with your taper! It's good that you have this monitoring & support. Stay strong!

 

This sounds really recognizable for me, now I'm also in a phase of my life that I'm kinda "accepting" that life just sucks, I'm okay with that. I used to chase highs when I was younger, but now I really don't want to do that anymore, like you say, it's fake. I want stability now. The thing is, the things that you can use to chase highs, like XTC for example, it punishes you very quickly: You'll have a 6 hour high followed by a week of depression if you're unlucky, so that doesn't help to get stability. This is  the thing with me and benzos though: it helps me to fall asleep at a normal time and sleep better, feeling more energized during the daytime, so in the short term it really helps me with getting stability.

 

Can I ask, what kinda drugs were you using if you went outside on a sunny day for example?

 

I used to see myself as "troublesome". I am also intelligent, and I hated going to school from and early age, the work was boring, I clowned around, I was bullied and the teachers seemed to hate me.

That is how I felt.

I think I have ADHD but that is not diagnosed, and while I want an ADHD diagnosis I don't want ADHD drugs, I just want an official acknowledgment like my Asperger's as it helps me feel validated.

Right now I feel an impulsive loser because of ADHD symptoms, yet I feel validated from my autistic symptoms as I am officially diagnosed with that.

Sounds very recognizable for me again, but I was also a bully, which I still feel bad about until this day. I can't change the past but now I try to be as nice as possible to people to "make up" for it.

 

If you are (almost) certain you have ADHD, just realise that the way you look at yourself is the most important. If someone gives you the diagnosis or not, you will still be the same person, it doesn't change anything about you. Please don't feel like a loser because you have certain symptoms that don't belong to an official diagnosis yet! Getting an ADHD-diagnosis is supereasy by the way, I know people that got it just to get the ADHD-medication. If you know how to answer the questionnaires it's really easy. That's one of the reasons why I'm personally against it, I don't think it's justified to say someone has an incurable mental disease based just on a couple of questionnaires.

 

You sound like me, but I got lower marks than I was capable of, as I underachieved and dumbed myself down to fit in.

 

Yeah at 12 when we go in seniors school it is much bigger and more hectic.

This is where my marks lowered.

This is where I got bullied more.

 

A lady I went to school with once remarked on Facebook that she said I always looked very sad, and so did a work colleague in the late 80's. I think I had clinical depression.

 

I first felt suicidal at 8, but I did not have the sense to get help.

I was being bullied and abused at school and home, and when I took my sister to tell my teacher (twice) she just turned the conversation around on me.

I should have reached out for help as I was suicidal but cannot for the life of me think why.

 

Sorry you felt suicidal, please reach out for help if you do again.

 

Damn it sounds like you had it really rough growing up, I'm sorry to hear that. I wasn't even born yet in the late 80's, so I guess you're a little older than me. How did you manage to get through all this rough times? What helped you to "survive" it?

 

I reached out for help, I'm currently still on the waiting list for a psychologist, it's taking really long. I hope to get an update soon.

 

Your pure discipline and perseverance shows you have what it takes to get off benzos.

 

Maybe the sports is your life path, you enjoyed it, maybe take it up again?

 

Yes that's a good one and I absolutely do that, I work out almost every day. To make it my life path, I guess I also have to make my profession out of it, but I don't think that's the way to go for me. There are so many fitness coaches / sport instructors here that the gyms can treat them really poorly, because they have more than plenty of options to chose. I've heard from other people that this makes working in this field really stressful, not something that is good for me I think.

 

The stimulant meds won't have helped the insomnia. I used to be addicted to amphetamines, got off them easily, can't stand them now.

 

Of course, someone with your tense background would fall in love straight away with alprazolam.

 

I like to feel control, energy when I want, and sleep when I want, this is why I used drugs, but I want these things naturally now.

 

I understand what you mean if you say you want those things naturally now. Did you find a way to get it naturally? I try to find a healthy balance. I tried going "all natural", it just doesn't work for me. So now I take a good cup of coffee when I really need the energy and supplements like L-theanine, valerian root, CBD-oil etc. when I want to fall asleep.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by 1DDD but sorry you went cold turkey, that must have taken guts as its hard.

DDD means "Defined Daily Dose", because for example 10mg of diazepam and 10mg of alprazolam is not the same (since alprazolam is much stronger). The World Health Organization came up with this Defined Daily Dose so you can compare different medicine with each other. 1DDD of alprazolam is the same as 1DDD of diazepam, 1DDD of oxazepam, etc.

 

Masters would be more stressful.

 

It is vital that you take the same one benzo as they all have differing half lives and can mess up your GABA A receptors. More information can be found here about crossing over to one benzo as each have their equivalent in diazepam - the link will take you straight to that section of the manual

https://www.benzo.org.uk/manual/bzcha02.htm#13

Yeah so that's what I meant with DDD.

 

Dating can be stressful.

Also, increased use of benzos can make you feel more nervous, the more you take the more you want. This is why you can be nervous when on them, especially using different ones, and intermittently, but it can be solved.

Taking benzos never makes me feel more nervous to be honest, only in the long term, when you've taken for so many consecutive days that your body has lowered it's natural production of GABA. But in the short term, it always makes me feel more calm and relaxed, and I know I appear this way to the outside world as well (is what I heard from the people close to me). So for things like dating, especially the first few dates, it's a must for me. The result is, when I don't take benzos, then I will not go on dates.

 

Messed up stuff will happen when taking breaks from benzos as your body goes into withdrawal.

I know, it can be terrible. Right now I'm doubting if I experience any withdrawal symptoms. I think it's just my natural state to feel stressed.

 

I know "Phenibut".

I couldnt take to it.

I'm sorry what do you mean by "I couldnt take to it"?

 

My drug days were better than my sober days when I used poly drugs.

I googled "poly drugs", it means taking different drugs at the same time, right? Didn't it make you feel worse on the day(s) after? Most drugs I know, with a few exceptions, make you feel like shit the day(s) after using it.

 

Sorry to hear about relationship problems with your girlfriend during the same time you discovered baclofen.

 

Sorry to hear your girlfriend broke up with you in the middle of the covid-19 pandemic, leaving you completely empty.

Sorry Gyms were closed.

Sorry you had such pain from the baclofen taper.

Thanks for your support!

 

Congratulations on not taking Phenibut anymore for about half a year now, while 100% of your days are messed up again, there is hope.

Thanks, to be honest, I really want to go back to using phenibut 3 days a week again. That worked out really well for me. It's just that I'm scared that my GABA-B receptors are still messed up from the baclofen withdrawal, I want to give it a couple more months to recover.

 

Not being able to remember the last day anymore that you experienced happiness makes me want to hug you.

I also feel isolated, living in a flat all by myself, when I go out, I feel fake, lately I am staying in bed more, I stayed in bed mainly for 3 years or more and lost over 6 stone due to external stressors that were not being solved.

That really sucks to hear that! It's a personal question and of course you don't have to answer it if you don't feel comfortable, but I'm wondering what your daily life looks like? Do you have a job, or a study currently, or something else? I hope it gets better for you as well. This is unfortunately starting to be my reality too: living in bed for most of the time, because sober I feel too stressed to do much else.

 

You are doing great by staying sober and I understand meeting up with people sober feels extremely stressful.

 

"This, too shall pass" is a great phrase, it is not permanent.

Thanks! I hope it'll pass, but as a get older, I grow to be more pessimistic. I try to stay optimistic of course, but it's hard when life is giving you so much darkness when you are trying your very best. I feel like there is not a lot left to try.

 

For me, trauma laid behind drug abuse.

Do you mean the drug abuse created the trauma within you? Can you tell some more about that, if you want?

 

You are absolutely achieving well given your circumstances by doing the following.

- Try to eat as healthy as possible

- Take cold showers

- Go outside for walks

- Work out almost everyday

- Having social contacts, but really respecting my own boundaries there

- Use supplements: CBD-oil, valerian root tea, L-theanine, Ashwagandha KSM-66, Omega-3 fish oil

 

Mindfulness can trigger trauma. Maybe look at somatic therapy, or something called Internal Family Systems, Facebook have some great groups.

 

I didn't know that about mindfulness, no one ever told me that, even not the psychologists who recommended me the mindfulness. It makes sense though that it can trigger trauma. Thanks for the heads up! I'll look into the somatic therapy and IFS as well.

 

You are moving in the right direction, I really respect you beating all of those drugs.

You will get to a time when you can feel safe being out again.

I hope so... I'll do my best to stay sober for at least a little while, of course the longer the better. Thanks again for all the support!

Dear Tryingtokeephope,

 

I'm glad you're here and have enjoyed reading your Intro. You've explained your lifetime somewhat, obviously successful in school, a loving relationship and knowing yourself--and expressing yourself! I have some ideas from my own toolbox to share with you!

Hey KachinaBirdsong, I'm happy you took the time to read it and that you actually enjoyed it, thanks!

 

Your life has a lot of balance and good things, managing the emotional is key! I can't believe how long it takes to get a psychiatrist ... hope you get one you like, support is key!!! Just one of many things, when put altogether, will help. Some of us are high maintenance in this area!!! It's okay! It isn't fun!

Yes it's taking really long, I guess the whole pandemic situation is taking a big toll on people their mental health, the waiting lists for psychologists are extremely long at the moment. I am looking forward to it, but I'm afraid that the 1-hour-a-week session at the psychologist is not going to change my whole life around.

 

I'm a lot older than you. Those younger years were very hard for me with anxiety and severe depression. Now that I'm older it is easier. Are you a perfectionist, I've learned that I am and ways it hurts me. The comment about not sure you're up to the task of your masters made me wonder, I also got a masters degree and that was so stressful.

I hear this often, that gives some hope for the future. Can I ask, at what age did it get better for you? And do you think it was just the age, or did certain changes in your life make you have less anxiety & depression?

 

I am definitely a perfectionist, and I don't like being that way. I know things don't have to be perfect, but there is something irrational deep inside me that tells me that things do have to be perfect. I don't know how to change this, but I want to.

 

I've also learned a lot about that fight or flight state and have found some very good help through Dr. Schubiner. My anxiety and depression manifested into chronic pain and I realized that his first book, Unlearn Your Anxiety and Depression, would also be appropriate for me. When I took anxiety med it seemed like the best pain med! So anyway, if you want to check it out and see what you think:

https://www.unlearnyourpain.com/Unlearn%20Your%20Anxiety%20Depression

 

More info:

https://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/Anxiety_Symptoms/Panic_Attacks

 

Perfectionism and flight or flight anxiety are related. Whether or not the term perfectionism seems right for you, it is all about our brain trying to protect us and we end up with anxiety and pain.

I'm going to look into this, thanks! With physical pain, I have been realising for a long while that a lot of times that we are feeling pain there is actually nothing wrong with our bodies. It's just a manifestation of stress. But unfortunately, just that realisation is not enough to make the pain go away (at least not in my case).

 

12-step meetings, now on zoom, are a place you can connect with others and I have gone to several programs over 5 decades. Sometimes it's a love/hate feeling but it is calming to not be alone in your distress. Narcotics Anonymous is one I know a member here tapering. Or other support groups.

I'll look into this as well. I try to be a little bit careful with rehab-related programs, because I don't want to feel like an addict. I'm not denying I'm (mentally) addicted, but the tapering down/staying sober for about a month or so is relatively easy for me, I've proven to myself a lot of times that I can do this. I feel like the real problem is not the benzo use per se, but more the chronic stress and anxiety (which makes me eventually take benzos). I feel if I can tackle the stress/anxiety, that I won't feel such a strong urge to take benzos anymore.

 

You deserve to feel better!!!! I wish you well. If interested in talking more about anything I've said you can PM me.

 

Cheers,

Kachina

Thanks!

Hello Trying,

Yes, you hit the nail on the head, I do think in part that the lowered distress is related to life changes and my age and working less and being settled down that come with being older if one is lucky! And it is something to look forward to because in those worst moments we feel like it will last forever! At what age, well, at age 42 I finally stopped having unhealthy dating relationships and got a healthy one! That was after doing a lot of emotional healing work. So that was a big milestone for me. Covid has shown me how stressful being around people is, by showing me how restful not being around them can be.

 

No, the one hour won't be your be all end all, but it can give one a stability if you let it. Psychiatrists aren't perfect, they're people and it's a hard courageous thing to do, go to one. But support goes a very long way I think.

 

You wrote:

I'm going to look into this, thanks! With physical pain, I have been realising for a long while that a lot of times that we are feeling pain there is actually nothing wrong with our bodies. It's just a manifestation of stress. But unfortunately, just that realisation is not enough to make the pain go away (at least not in my case).

---Actually one of the founders of this work, from the last century, taught that just learning about these concepts and that they can be causing pain/anxiety/depression CAN be enough to heal. Studying the literature and reading about other people's experiences and healing can be enough--BECAUSE DOING SO CHANGES YOUR NUERAL PATHWAYS just like being here helps us get off meds and heal our neural pathways!! I see a big parallel.

 

Well, I relate so much to how you described being a perfectionist ... I'm working on changing it as I realize it is the foundation of my distress and physical pain and when I get uptight. I want to control things and make them perfect, impossible.

 

Yes, you said it's stress and anxiety not being an addict per se. That is what all addicts learn, the drug of choice changes our chemistry and reduces our stress. I know I'll always be working on this one. It will never be perfect meaning being alive I will have stress and anxiety! Some days are better than others.

 

So, you've gotten off stuff a lot but the goal is to stop, lol, that doesn't mean your not an addict just cause you can quit!!! No offense, addict is a charged word ...  the people at 12 step are just like you and me and are quite normal!!! It's another boost of support and not like a psychiatrist once a week where you pay----and look for someone to have the answers---more like you realize we're all in this together. I don't mean to push, just want you to have support and connection! Not for everyone though! There's also this group that is a cool recovery group, lightly based on Buddhism. I went to some meetings and really liked it:  https://www.refugerecovery.org

Hello Trying,

Yes, you hit the nail on the head, I do think in part that the lowered distress is related to life changes and my age and working less and being settled down that come with being older if one is lucky! And it is something to look forward to because in those worst moments we feel like it will last forever! At what age, well, at age 42 I finally stopped having unhealthy dating relationships and got a healthy one! That was after doing a lot of emotional healing work. So that was a big milestone for me. Covid has shown me how stressful being around people is, by showing me how restful not being around them can be.

Okay that's good to know, and I'm happy for you that it worked out this way! I had the same experience as you had with covid, being not around people and feeling more restful that way. But that was when I still had my girlfriend though, someone I could be with and just cuddle with, without having to talk or have energy draining social interactions the whole time. After my break up with her I found out how stressful it can be te be completely isolated, but that this isolation makes it also more difficult to get in touch with people again, so it works like a double-edged sword with only bad sides for me during that time. But now that the gyms are opnened again, and you can just work out, being around people without having to talk with them, I slowly get comfortable being around people again.

 

No, the one hour won't be your be all end all, but it can give one a stability if you let it. Psychiatrists aren't perfect, they're people and it's a hard courageous thing to do, go to one. But support goes a very long way I think.

Yeah that's why I'm definitely going to give it another chance, I just try not to have too high expectations of it.

 

You wrote:

I'm going to look into this, thanks! With physical pain, I have been realising for a long while that a lot of times that we are feeling pain there is actually nothing wrong with our bodies. It's just a manifestation of stress. But unfortunately, just that realisation is not enough to make the pain go away (at least not in my case).

---Actually one of the founders of this work, from the last century, taught that just learning about these concepts and that they can be causing pain/anxiety/depression CAN be enough to heal. Studying the literature and reading about other people's experiences and healing can be enough--BECAUSE DOING SO CHANGES YOUR NUERAL PATHWAYS just like being here helps us get off meds and heal our neural pathways!! I see a big parallel.

I know, I read a book about that. Just reading the book and realising there is nothing wrong with your body, would be enough to make the pain go away. Unfortunately it didn't work for me, but I know some people that had great results with it.

 

Well, I relate so much to how you described being a perfectionist ... I'm working on changing it as I realize it is the foundation of my distress and physical pain and when I get uptight. I want to control things and make them perfect, impossible.

I think it's brave that you try this! I hope it works out for you. For me it feels really difficult to change this, because rationally I don't want to be a perfectionist, but deep down something inside me wants me to be. It's like, at night I don't want to be awake in my bed as well, but me wanting to fall asleep is unfortunately not enough to make my mind & body actually go to sleep.

 

Yes, you said it's stress and anxiety not being an addict per se. That is what all addicts learn, the drug of choice changes our chemistry and reduces our stress. I know I'll always be working on this one. It will never be perfect meaning being alive I will have stress and anxiety! Some days are better than others.

Yeah and that is perfectly fine I think, stress and anxiety are things that belong to being alive. It's just the amount of stress & anxiety that can break me, getting no sleep, leaving me without any energy to do what I have to do.

 

So, you've gotten off stuff a lot but the goal is to stop, lol, that doesn't mean your not an addict just cause you can quit!!! No offense, addict is a charged word ...  the people at 12 step are just like you and me and are quite normal!!! It's another boost of support and not like a psychiatrist once a week where you pay----and look for someone to have the answers---more like you realize we're all in this together. I don't mean to push, just want you to have support and connection! Not for everyone though! There's also this group that is a cool recovery group, lightly based on Buddhism. I went to some meetings and really liked it:  https://www.refugerecovery.org

Okay so just to get one thing straight: I didn't mean to imply that I am in any way, shape or form "better" than people that go to 12 step programs! Or that I am not an addict! I just don't want to put too much focus on the addiction part, I want to focus on the part that causes my addiction. I am not chasing highs, chasing adrenaline kicks, trying to escape from my reality, or anything like that. I just want to function properly, sleep properly, so I can achieve my goals in life. Unfortunately right now I don't have the tools for that yet (without benzos), so that's why I came here, to a forum where everyone has experience with benzos and benzo addiction. No offense at all, but I don't want to talk with a cocaine-addict for example, because I feel like there lies a completely different drive behind that (chasing a high, escapism, etc).

 

I hope you can understand what I mean by this. I think I can find the support here because a lot of people here cope with the same problems as I do, like insomnia and anxiety.

That's interesting, was the book by Dr. Sarno do you remember? The same happened to me when I read about it.

 

Ohhh, let me stop typing about 12step!! Sorry about that. Yes, it makes sense that being here is enough and where you feel most comfortable~and that it's not about chasing a high but about getting in balance without Benzos. Of course, you know what feels right to you and I think I understand your perspective, thanks for explaining. You're good at expressing yourself! 

 

I hope you can sleep and rest and heal! I'm really glad you can get out to the gym and I can tell you will find your way and keep moving toward that which is most supportive for you. Finding peace!!! One moment at a time, and sleep one night at a time if we're lucky!

That's interesting, was the book by Dr. Sarno do you remember? The same happened to me when I read about it.

Yes! It was: The mindbody prescription (Healing the body, healing the pain). If you mean the same book, that really is a coincidence. I thought it was an interesting read for sure, but unfortunately it didn't make my physical pains disappear.

 

A lot of times I have the idea that my rational thinking is completely disconnected from my feelings, and that they are in conflict with each other most of the times. Things like this, like reading the book (and rationally realising I have no real physical injuries), but still feeling the pain, makes that idea stronger.

 

Ohhh, let me stop typing about 12step!! Sorry about that. Yes, it makes sense that being here is enough and where you feel most comfortable~and that it's not about chasing a high but about getting in balance without Benzos. Of course, you know what feels right to you and I think I understand your perspective, thanks for explaining. You're good at expressing yourself!

No problem! I appreciate the helpfulness. Yeah I have a lot of experience with going to psychologists starting from a young age, so I've learned how to put my thoughts and feeling into words really well I guess. Thanks for the compliment.

 

I hope you can sleep and rest and heal! I'm really glad you can get out to the gym and I can tell you will find your way and keep moving toward that which is most supportive for you. Finding peace!!! One moment at a time, and sleep one night at a time if we're lucky!

I hope so too! That's the way I am looking at it as well, one day at a time, one night at a time. Every day that I don't take benzos I see as a win.