Hello all - recent benzo addict due to self medicating akathisia terrified and alone

 

  Hello all and hope you are all recovering and safe during these trying times.

 

  I am a 35 year old male with several mental and physical ailments who before going on methadone for poppy pods addiction after my father past had never used drugs before. I have always found it hard to be outside due to anxiety and agoraphobia but with covid things have gotten so bad that I have missed appointments from several months ago for what might be throat cancer and am only now trying to make it to appointments as my health becomes to the point of declining rapidly. several months ago I had stopped taking one of my anti psychotic meds risperidone and after a few weeks ended up taking it again as I felt hopeless and thought it might help me sleep but within a few hours it caused severe akathisia which did not and would not go away. i tried everything for weeks and weeks to get help i phoned the nhs who directed me to the day doctor at my gp for an emergency appointment but when I spoke to her she was clearly getting ready to go home and all she heard was restless leg syndrome drink tonic water. I had told her 3 medications where offered on the nhs website to treat my issues all non addictive but she said *we don't give those out*. My mental health doctor the one who originally prescribed me the meds is so awful you wouldn't believe it if I told you how I have been treated by her to the point she lied and gave me a medication to replace the risperidone only for the new drug to have the same effects but more common. so for months because i couldn't leave the house i would walk from one room to the next for 3 hours at a time and i was sleeping maybe 2 hours spread over the night if I was lucky so then started the psychosis. i would start seeing people and having phone conversations with my mother only to realise i wasn't even holding a phone. I became so desperate and  couldn't even take my bin bags out unless it was like 3 am so going out to get help is impossible so i went for the fourth thing mentioned on the nhs that i knew i could find online. benzos. I had been offered them over the years but always declined  always hated them and knew very little about them which was my down fall. I bought xanax which I though was just a brand and so 1mg of xan was 1mg of valium. Before I was told my stupid presumption was wrong I had already been taking up to 15mg of xan a day for a few weeks and quickly started to taper. I am around 2-3mg daily but as I run out I do not know what to do and with my mum moving in on the 10th of next month after selling her house to look after me I feel like I am trapped and have never been more desperate and scared. I am terrified to tell my worker as it would no doubt mean stopping my methadone deliveries and I don't even know if they would offer help tapering or putting me on valium so I don't know I have tried for weeks to figure it out and I have no answers and I am so very scared and worn down.

 

Sorry for the huge wall of text and thank you for taking me into your community. I hope you are all doing better each day and I hope we can all truly get through this.

Hello  OddTicker Welcome to BenzoBuddies.

 

We are glad you are here.  You are not alone now, you have us!  and you will get lots of support here.  So sorry about your Dad, that must have been traumatic for you.  I am so glad you have your Mum coming to stay, that will be a comfort to you.  I had agoraphobia and anxiety,  mine was caused by benzodiazepines.  I know it’s difficult keeping appointments.  I was just the same, but you have got to do it, put your mind at rest regarding throat cancer concerns!    You should  tell your doctor about taking benzos, come clean and ask for taper support!  If you have taken benzos more that 2 weeks, they need tapering off. 

 

The recommended taper rate is 5-10% every 10-14 days.  Some people are able to taper faster than this and some much go more slowly to keep their withdrawal symptoms manageable.

 

I suggest you check out the Ashton Manual, its a great resource for understanding the effect that benzodiazepine’s have on our body.    It provides tapering and withdrawal information and includes a list of common symptoms 

 

The Ashton Manual. 

 

You can post here to get some taper ideas: 

 

Planning Your Withdrawal (TaperPlans)

 

Check out the anxiety board! you can connect with others who might be able to offer some ideas and help.

 

Anxiety     

 

 

If you care to add a signature (history of meds/doses etc) it will help members give you relevant advice.  Go to the top of the page and select PROFILE then choose forum profile then insert drug history into the text box and remember to click change profile

 

Welcome Aboard

Magrita

thank you so much for your kind reply and acceptance into this community. I hope to get off this drug soon and spare my mother more heartache and risk of covid when she moves in. thank you all

thank you so much for your kind reply and acceptance into this community. I hope to get off this drug soon and spare my mother more heartache and risk of covid when she moves in. thank you all

 

You can do this!  You can turn your life around!  start by safely and slowly tapering off the benzos.  I hope you get a doctor to support you and prescribe enough for a taper.  Your Mum moving in to care for you shows she must love you very much.   

 

You will get your life back

 

Magrita

 

i am indeed lucky to have her, and would not have made it this far without her. i will most likely tell her about the addiction, but to be honest she worked with addicts herself for years and she is smart when it comes to her son, she knows im doing something as im not mentioning akathisia symptoms  as much and well, mothers just know don't they? she knows me too well to not catch on but that will be a conversation for down the line.  i'll get there and i am sure this community will be a big part  in my doing so. 

i am indeed lucky to have her, and would not have made it this far without her. i will most likely tell her about the addiction, but to be honest she worked with addicts herself for years and she is smart when it comes to her son, she knows im doing something as im not mentioning akathisia symptoms  as much and well, mothers just know don't they? she knows me too well to not catch on but that will be a conversation for down the line.  i'll get there and i am sure this community will be a big part  in my doing so.

 

You are right OT, Mums are smart, and working with addicts, how amazing is that!  yes I would say she knows already my friend!

 

You will get there for sure, with mum and this forum, you will have plenty of support from this wonderful community.

 

Magrita

Welcome OddTicker,

 

My heart goes out to you for the hell you've been through and I am so angry it's hard to find doctors/professionals we are safe with.

 

I had one mean doctor too who wanted me to quit ambien in 2 weeks after 20+yrs of use. I finally quit him and was so lucky to find someone much more supportive to a slow taper. The new doc didn't quite get with the program of tapering 0.50mg every 10-14 days, so I just talked in bigger numbers with him----that I went down 1.50mg over 2 months little by little. It worked for me.

 

So, I do hope it goes well with your Mom. You do need boundaries too and coming here to check in and get support will be good for that. My son is your age, I cherish him, he has mental health issues and I am there when he's in a crisis.

 

Glad you're here!

Kachina