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A wonderful post from Jennifer Leigh a benzo survivor..


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The Daily Cycling Of Symptoms

by Jennifer Leigh.

 

The mornings from hell.

Nevermind that my sleep was so incredibly screwed up. My insomnia was child’s play in comparison to the gruesome torture that awaited me when I woke up from whatever amount of sleep my damaged nervous system allowed me. Mornings were a particular type of torture; a deep dive into pure hell. I won’t list my symptoms here in case they may be triggering for some (besides, you can find them in posts from previous years) but suffice it to say they were inhumane. Some people speculate that it is the rise in cortisol that wakes us up from our slumber that is responsible for our rise in morning symptoms. I’ve not seen any research that explains the phenomenon. All I know is I’d cry myself to sleep some nights because I knew what awaited me at the start of the next day, and it wasn’t pretty. After a few hours doing my best to cope with the morning symptoms, they’d ease up just enough for me to catch my breath. I’d gather my strength and find my way into my kitchen and make myself a simple breakfast and take it outside to eat. When I finished, I’d go back inside to wash my dishes.

 

I wasn’t quite a Dr. Pepper.

Ten, two, and four are the Dr. Pepper hours. My daily cycling of symptoms didn’t follow all of those hours; however, at 10 A.M., a wave of depression would hit me as I stood in front of the sink. It rushed through my body like a tsunami, and I had absolutely no way to stop it. I tried positive affirmations, deep breathing, prayer, and meditation to no avail. I’d have to wait until the afternoon to get a little bit of relief. I’d often remind myself as I stood at the sink, crestfallen over the dip into despair, that I’d feel a bit better midafternoon. All I had to do was to hold on until then.

 

Easing up in the late afternoon.

Three P.M. was my sweet spot that started a gradual lifting of suffering. I wasn’t without symptoms, but I wasn’t in total agony, either. I’d start to get a faint glimmer of hope that one day I’d get well. My mind was more clear, and I could focus on the moment, instead of being trapped inside my wild thoughts. The fear eased up, as well as body pain and tension. However, the more manageable moments gradually gave way to the evening crash, which I could set my watch to.

 

8 P.M. the tingles and other such nonsense started again.

Without fail, whatever gain I’d made in feeling a tad better, would be lost at the stroke of 8 P.M. The tingling, burning, head and body pressure, tinnitus, nerve pain, and electrical feeling came back to roost. At least the fear and terror didn’t return, that is, not until my body relaxed into the warm embrace of sleep and I’d be jerked back to consciousness with a jolt of adrenaline.

 

Rinse and repeat.

My cycle of hellish mornings, less hellish afternoons and early evenings, with an evening dip back into suffering, went on for a very long time. I used to wonder if the exhausting cycle was just my new normal. I worried (needlessly) that it was. I discovered that It’s more common than not, to have daily cycling of symptoms. Most people are worse in the mornings and their better hours arrive in the afternoon. But some people have a different cycle. As with all things benzo withdrawal, there is no “one size fits all.” What’s important to note is your cycle and to learn to cope with it.

 

Cycles can change.

It’s bad enough that benzo withdrawal can be intense suffering, but it can change its presentation at any stage of recovery. Your cycle can vary. Your symptoms can come and go, and new ones take their place. The most predictable thing about benzo withdrawal (other than it is suffering) is that it is so unpredictable. Just when you feel you’ve gotten somewhat used to your symptoms, BOOM, things can change. Just use all of your coping skills and remind yourself that healing is the outcome for the damage caused by the benzo.

 

It stops.

One day, you’ll wake up, and the only cycle you’ll be in is the cycle of normal life that everyone enjoys— a good night’s sleep and a good morning and breakfast, lunch, dinner! Benzo withdrawal doesn’t last forever. We do recover and go on with our lives. If you are experiencing a daily cycle of symptoms, know that one day, they will dissipate. If your cycle has changed, don’t worry. That’s pretty common in benzo withdrawal—even if you are a few years out and you have a new pattern of symptoms. Remember, benzo withdrawal is unpredictable. Symptoms wax and wane and morph and shift. The only things we can count on in benzo withdrawal is that we can’t count on it to have any rhyme or reason and that it goes away one day. Keep healing!

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Bexian,

 

Thanks for posting that. I made a FaceTime call with Jennifer Leigh ( Dr. Jen as she’s called ). I was nearing the end of my taper and just needed to talk with someone who had gone through this and made it through.

Since then I jumped July 21 and I am Benzo Free. Day 7… hard to believe.

 

I guess like most people I wanted answers to the impossible. When will this go away? I have a peculiar symptom ( the typical burning, but my feet pool with blood ) it is very distressing.

Anyway, I am in Acute withdrawal I assume and it is not easy.

 

I hope you are well. Thanks again… I could tell from talking to her that she was calm, healthy and healed from this. She is a kind lady.

 

HopeFull01

 

 

 

 

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Thanks for sharing this.  I was just laying here worrying about why my mornings are so terrible.  They start out with this shaky, uneasy, anxiety and I can’t stop ruminating.  Then the song lyrics come and I will repeat the same song lyric in my head over and over and over for hours.  It’s very annoying.  By afternoon I feel more normal but the weird feeling in my left foot never really goes away.  Last week it was crushing fatigue and headaches.  This week I just feel flat.  Not happy, not sad….just flat.  It’s like I don’t have a personality anymore.  Reading this post helped me today because it reminded me that it won’t last forever.  I look forward to the day that I am “me” again

 

Blessings :)

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Bexlan,

Thank you for posting this.  I can never get enough of reading or hearing that one day this will all go away.

 

Did the Prozac help you?  My doctor wants me to take it but I'm afraid to. 

Ginger

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Bexlan,

Thank you for posting this.  I can never get enough of reading or hearing that one day this will all go away.

 

Did the Prozac help you?  My doctor wants me to take it but I'm afraid to. 

Ginger

It didn't help just messed me......

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Thanks bex x great post.

 

Oh the mornings. They are over mostly for me now (at least I hope so) but omg I remember them.

 

Jen was a member on here, wish I knew her user name, be great to read some of her posts.

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8)

      Dr. Jenn is on YouTube.  She’s really calming, caring, love her glasses. Lol

      Just thought I’d let ya know. Search Dr. Jenn. She will reply Back to,you.

      Hang tuff y’all.

  Kudos2  :-*

       

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Ditto on her glasses.    I had the great fortune of hosting Dr. Jen at my home several years ago.  At the time she was at the very end of her recovery from benzos.    She is absolutely delightful, and has been such a tremendous support to fellow benzo withdrawal sufferers.
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  • 2 weeks later...

I just read most of Dr. Jen’s withdrawal journey after being 19 years on Klonopin, and am so impressed with how she dealt with and survived through an absolutely awful physical and mental withdrawal, actually one of the worst I have read.  I guess because I am in a wave, I am fearful of what lies ahead for me. I am now at 17 months plus three weeks post-taper from Valium, and just had a great three week window.  This wave started with the flu symptoms, and Dr. Jen speaks to having had the benzo flu quite often.  This reassures me that it is part of BWD.  But, like most of us and as she reiterates through her story, no one can tell us how long the journey lasts!  That is the hardest part!  If someone would tell me today that I would be ill for two more months, I would just put my big girl panties and deal with it!!!!

 

Well, Happy Friday BBs with

 

Hugs,

 

GG

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I just read most of Dr. Jen’s withdrawal journey after being 19 years on Klonopin, and am so impressed with how she dealt with and survived through an absolutely awful physical and mental withdrawal, actually one of the worst I have read.  I guess because I am in a wave, I am fearful of what lies ahead for me. I am now at 17 months plus three weeks post-taper from Valium, and just had a great three week window.  This wave started with the flu symptoms, and Dr. Jen speaks to having had the benzo flu quite often.  This reassures me that it is part of BWD.  But, like most of us and as she reiterates through her story, no one can tell us how long the journey lasts!  That is the hardest part!  If someone would tell me today that I would be ill for two more months, I would just put my big girl panties and deal with it!!!!

 

Well, Happy Friday BBs with

 

Hugs,

 

GG

Actually I am 17 months off today and don't feel like posting a milestone.. Jennifer Leigh went through a horrible time...

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Hi Bexlan.  Not  feeling well today?  Same boat here, but hoping I will feel a little better by afternoon.  Yesterday felt awful until about 5:00 p.m., then felt much better!

 

Hang in there, please🙏

 

Hugs, GG

 

 

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Hi Bexlan.  Not  feeling well today?  Same boat here, but hoping I will feel a little better by afternoon.  Yesterday felt awful until about 5:00 p.m., then felt much better!

 

Hang in there, please🙏

 

Hugs, GG

Yep I guess the PPI has messed me a bit....It has made me feel a little awful....

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Oh, Bexlan, I am so sorry!  I hope this will pass soon and tomorrow will find you feeling a lot better!

 

Gg

Yesterday was so wonderful.....I had the best window of all....

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So unfair, Bexlan, to feel good one day, then, poof, back to bad symptoms.  I am into my sixth day of feeling awful after such a nice almost three week window!  I am responsible for the setback, as I way overdid everything and ate badly!  We know this is temporary and we have to hang on to how we felt in a window.  Thank goodness we have windows and a glimpse of what a full healing will feel like....Heaven on earth :thumbsup:

 

Feel better.....

 

Hugs.

 

GG

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So unfair, Bexlan, to feel good one day, then, poof, back to bad symptoms.  I am into my sixth day of feeling awful after such a nice almost three week window!  I am responsible for the setback, as I way overdid everything and ate badly!  We know this is temporary and we have to hang on to how we felt in a window.  Thank goodness we have windows and a glimpse of what a full healing will feel like....Heaven on earth :thumbsup:

 

Feel better.....

 

Hugs.

 

GG

How do you occupy your day and not concentrate on the symptoms.?I could use some tips....

Have always had good windows throughout but this wave has humbled me...

Bexlan

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I read lots of books, do trivia quizzes which are good for the brain’s cognitive functioning and memory, watch lots of movies and documentaries on Netflix, play with my kitty, and anything else I can think of to distract from my symptoms....also, like to read cookbooks and imagine what I will serve to my next guests.  I entertained some friends just two weeks ago, and felt great and happy.  What a difference two weeks can make.

 

What are your interests?  Do you have family and friends to share your good times with? 

Interested to hear so post back, please!!!

 

GG

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