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11+ months benzofree!


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Dear buddies,

 

A few years ago I took Oxazepam (short half life, very common in Europe) for sleep for two months. I used it on and off to sleep before. I noticed in this period that I felt worse in the late afternoon. Like really tense and anxious. I know now this is interdose withdrawal and a warning sign that you are developing dependancy. I tapered relatively quickly and thought that was that. I did not know that after every taper using benzo's again can quickly 'wake' the dependancy again (kindling) and that's why I continued to use it twice a month if I had problems sleeping. I started having longer periods of not sleeping well and used it more frequently then, but never daily. I thought this would keep dependancy in control. I guess I also had rebound insomnia in this period.

 

Recently I had a lot of stress at work and my anxiety spiked. My doctor immediately gave me some Oxazepam. In no time I began to feel worse. I tried not to take the Oxazepam, but in a few weeks I was taking them daily again and I started to feel worse in late afternoon. I realised the interdose withdrawal was back. I forgot about that! My anxiety started going through the roof and i read about 'kindling' for the first time. I tried to stop CT. This went well at first, but I started again a few days later until I read about kindling and realised that benzo's were definitely making me feel worse. Again. I stopped CT again on the 13th of April. I slept well on the 14th of April, had a bad day the 15th and did not sleep that night at all. I also had a strange nightmare.

 

After that it got better until I had three sleepless nights in six days starting the 9th of May. I am not sure if this was still withdrawal, but I started a very strict light restricting regime in the evening (even wearing sunglasses) and started taking supplements. Fish oil, a green multi, magnesium, Vit. C and a probiotic. I cut out coffee, alcohol and sugar and started walking an hour a day. My symptoms in this perod where diarrhea (sorry TMI), a strange rash on my back, depression and a lot of tension. I also remember I could not stand sound or moving images on t.v. Even watching Modern Family was to much. And my head felt weird. But I did not take a benzo for sleep and did nothing to fight it and after three sleepless nights in a week, my sleep started to get better.

 

It's been almost three months since this period and I feel a lot better. I started a AD to help with sleep and mood. I can work a few hours a day now and I started therapy to handle myself better. Also I saw some docs to help with issues after I had Covid twice (presumably) and I am trying to practice deep breathing. I still take supplements. I am not symptom free though. I still have tension. I guess I still have waves but also a lot more windows. Overall I definitely enjoy life again. I still wonder if I really developed dependency in such a short time and if it really was the reason I started feeling worse even though I took time for myself to get some rest. I guess in life you can never be 100% sure, but it def. did not help.

 

I wish everybody tapering and reading this lots of luck. One day you will write a similar story. Hug!

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I developed a dependency after seven weeks of ativan, also a short acting benzo.  I'm seven months off.  Currently in a wave but hanging on.  I know it will get better in time.

 

I'm glad you're doing better.  Ginger

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  • 1 month later...

Tomorrow I'll be 4 months off. Hooray!

 

I'm still having good and bad days, most days are good though and I can handle the bad days. Remaining symptoms are brain zaps which are very annoying. Also still have tension, especially around my period. Tension and light anxiety are my remaing symptoms. I am currently enjoying a holiday and am eating less healthy, but I am also enjoying myself which is very nice.

 

I know it will take much more time to recover 100% and my recovery will be much more gradual. My use of benzo's became more and more problematic the last years and I know now that using it intermittently for a longer time does damage as well. I just hope my brain will recover. I've decided to start a daily meditation practice to help my brain and CNS recover.

 

To anyone who reads this. I wish you health and recovery.  :)

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  • 3 weeks later...

I am almost 5 months benzo-free. Reason I wanted to post today is that my 'weird head stuff' seems to have gone. By 'weird head stuff' I mean like brain zaps, head jolts, head pressure etc. I think a lot of you can relate. I just got my period which is a challenging time in general.

 

Also, I think the past few years, where I still used benzo's intermittently after I developed dependency (five years ago), I developed some sort of dizzyness. But Wednesday I could use kitchen stairs to hang curtains and I did not feel too dizzy.

 

I do have the blah's, but that could be just period-related. The past week I had some mild tension and anxiety, again related to the time of the month. I think it was much worse last month. I hope I keep improving.

 

I guess this is progress.

 

Until we feel better, we can only guess and hope that what causes us to feel this bad is in fact the benzo withdrawal. But until we really do feel better, I guess we still wonder. I do. But I'm still hopeful I will get back to my old self again. Not there yet.

 

I wish everybody lots of progress.

 

 

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  • 1 month later...

I will be celebrating 6 months benzofree in a few days. I felt like posting an update so here it is.  :)

 

In my last post (5 months benzofree) I posted that I don't have any head symptoms anymore. It's true and I still don't have it. I did have a rough night but that is probably related to stressful times I am having right now and my period that is coming. I could lay in bed and just accept the fact that I had a bad night. Also I am pretty sure I am definitely entering perimenopause and I am more far along than I thought. I am very irregular.

 

My remaining symptoms are tension and light anxiety, although it does feel better than a month ago. Sometimes I am still dizzy though. This week I had a massage and it was the best. I felt tense when I entered the salon, but she worked so hard on relaxing my muscles and I had no idea I could still feel this, well, relaxed. It even got rid of the pain in my lower back. I was sure I was having a herniated disk.

 

It's been two days and the tension is creeping up on me again. I am not 'cured' but I decided though that I am going to treat myself to a massage more often. It's a great way to feel less tense in the eye of a storm. I could not have done this in acute though. That would have been a nightmare.

 

I am so glad I am still seeing progress even though I am not healed. I want to look into the future, but that is not possible. I hope I continue to heal and I hope everybody who reads this does too!

 

Keep fighting buddies!  :-*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I'm happy to hear how well you're doing.  I'm having windows with occasional mild waves.  It feels so good to get my life back at last.
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  • 4 weeks later...

Yesterday was the 13th of October, but I had a pretty bad day. Today I feel better and today is a day to celebrate because I have not taken a benzo for 7 months!  :clap:

 

So how am I feeling these days? Most days are good. I am seeing a glimps of my old self again, but I still struggle with muscle and joint pain. I try to rest as much as I can. My head seems normal again. although I still have those 'off-days' where I feel depressed. The tension I had all over is gone I guess. In another post about muscle tension I mentioned that it seems that we go from 24-7 panic, to 24-7 anxiety, to 24-7 tension untill finally the tension goes and we feel pain. Muscle, joint and bone pain. I have accepted that this will take some time. My recovery might relapse but I will recover again. I am determined to never taking benzo's again.

 

These days I'm working on myself and I am finally getting therapy for some issues that I had to adress about growing up. I've read Complex PTSD from Pete Walker and I understand my traumaresponse much better now. I'm a flight-fawn kind of girl. Also a little bit of freeze. Decided I will now read about borderline personality because one of my parents is a borderliner, I believe. I also became a member of the 'Out of the Fog' forum. Have not posted to much yet, but it seems to be a good place for me in this phase of my recovery.

 

So, yes. Progress. But there is still a lot of work to be done. I have to deconstruct traumaresponses that I relied on for 40+ years. Any anxiety that I felt, that made it hard to sleep, was numbed with benzo's. I can't do that anymore. So it's scary to not be able to take something for my anxiety, and to trust other people want to help me, to open up, but I'm sure I will grow to be a more stable person.

 

Onward and upward!

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Very well done oxabuddy.

 

I’m just over the 3 month off mark, but like you re the symptom response, and the muscle pain.

.

Ive also been having therapy, along the mind- body lines (curable app, SIRPA in the UK) - I’ve found it so helpful re childhood development responses, impacting today decades later. Tough but I’ve come a long way, and am coming to terms with feeling ‘safe’ with my emotions now. Most people in the west smother their emotions and they get trapped in the body, which for us, is so not helpful. It is worth getting to the other side.

 

Onwards, and upwards.

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Thanks for your reply PPY. The app sounds helpful, I might look into it later. This week I had a challenging time at work and I needed all my energy to manage that. But I do want to be 'mindful' of my emotions. You are right, we smother them in the west. Some feelings are not allowed. We are not allowed to feel depressed or anxious.
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  • 4 weeks later...

Today I'm 8 months post. I feel better, but I am also tapering my AD, so I still have bad days. Overall I feel better though.

 

In another post I saw a lot of updates about muscle tension and joint pain. I remember a month ago I had trouble with my balance and my muscles felt so stiff all the time. Yesterday I was somewhere and I pointed to a small staircase down (like two steps) and said to my boyfriend how hard it was for me to go down those steps. Now I guess it's a lot better, but tension is still present.

 

I realise now getting better will take a lot of time. Yes, I've made a lot of improvement, but I realise I took this stuff for a long time and it will take time. A lot more time. I'm not working at the moment and this makes me scared for the future every now and then. But my body needs the rest. I sleep 10-11 hours a night which is due to the medication I'm still on, but also, I feel my body needs it.

 

I guess I haven't made as much progress this last month as I wanted to, but recovery isn't a straight line. I know that. I read somewhere that people experience a wave or setback in month nine. Maybe it is because recovery doesn't happen as fast as in the first 6-8 months, but transistions to a much more gradual recovery. I don't know.

 

Anyway, apart from how I am feeling (maybe not ready to celebrate), I think I should take a moment to realise I have not taken a benzo in 8 months. And that's progress.

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  • 5 weeks later...

Today marks 9 months without benzo's. And that is something to celebrate! Healing goes on, but I also feel like I am plateauing. I guess it's true. Healing takes years, not months. Looking back to what I could do is frustrating. I'm currently tapering Mirtazapine which is very difficult, because it messes with GABA as well and I feel my symptoms are very similar. I've tapered from 15 mg to 12.8 mg, so I'm down 15%. I do celebrate this, because I feel more clear, less sedated and tired.

 

I read a desperate post from a fellow-buddie that said: "Of all the people with mental health problems, how many are in fact damaged by psych drugs?" And it really resonated with me. I used to be a sensitive, sane woman who had an occasional bad night..

 

I'm still doing yin yoga to get more flexible and I started physical therapy twice a week which is making me stronger. Lately I also started learning about the Vagus nerve and how we can regulate our nervous system. I hope this will give me tools to regulate my tension and anxiety more. It's great stuff.

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Actually Mirtazepine does not affect GABA receptors:

 

What receptors does mirtazapine hit?

Receptor binding studies have shown that mirtazapine has a high affinity for serotonin 5-HT2 and 5-HT3 receptors, central and peripheral histamine H1 receptors and a low affinity for 5-HT1, dopaminergic and muscarinic cholinergic receptors.

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Actually Mirtazepine does not affect GABA receptors:

 

Well actually Mirtazapine does increase GABA. I did a google search and on NCBI (ID PMC472639) I found this:

 

"We treated MeCP2-null mice from postnatal-day 28 for two weeks with desipramine, already tested in RTT, or mirtazapine, an antidepressant with limited side-effects, known to promote GABA release.".

 

I'm sure there are more references if you search for them. I didn't.

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Whatever was done to mice for 28 days does not apply to humans and unfortunately nothing increases GABA, not Mirtazepine or even GABA supplements, if anything did, you'd have relief or even a cure for Benzo WD.  However there are no shortcuts, Rx drugs or "magic potions" found by Dr. Google that will shorten the amount of time someone is in Benzo WD.

 

Good luck!

 

 

 

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Whatever was done to mice for 28 days does not apply to humans and unfortunately nothing increases GABA, not Mirtazepine or even GABA supplements, if anything did, you'd have relief or even a cure for Benzo WD.  However there are no shortcuts, Rx drugs or "magic potions" found by Dr. Google that will shorten the amount of time someone is in Benzo WD.

 

Good luck!

 

I know there are no magic potions to benzo withdrawal. I've been here long enough to know that. But if you come and take a look in our Mirtazapine withdrawal support group you will see every one of those buddies will tell you that the Mirtazapine/Remeron did in fact help with the withdrawal. But once you have to taper it will be very hard just because it does cover a part of the withdrawal.

 

Don't get me wrong, a lot of us have had a hard time as it is with benzo witdrawal and what it did to the brain, i agree there is no easy fix, but you can't just scuff it off and say it does nothing. It did something and once we have to taper it is hard enough as it is and I'm right in the middle of that. I don't need people to invalidate that experience.

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  • 5 weeks later...

Today is a day to celebrate. I haven't touched a benzo in 10 months. I believe I am healing, but the healing is not lineair. I'm so much better than I was, but I'm still not there. I still get waves, and I'm triggered easily, but the waves are not happening as often as they did and they are not as severe.

 

I've been tapering Mirtazapine, and it seems to trigger me, so I am in doubt wether I should continue that, like I was last month. But other than that I am definitely moving forward.

 

Reading other celebration stories makes me see that 10 months off is still very early and I can still expect a lot of progress. Let's hope so.  :)

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This is a great update Oxabuddy, I'm glad you can see your progress, sometimes its hard to find because of the frustrating non-linear aspect of our recovery.

 

Is there a reason you need to be off the Mirtazapine, if it were me I wouldn't want anything coming between me and my benzo recovery but if the other medication is causing issues then it makes sense.

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I'm conflicted about this Pamster, to be honest. It's making me feel more tired I guess. I'm holding currently. I might taper to a lower dose and keep there for a while. Thanx for your input!
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  • 1 month later...

I missed my celebration this month and it's because I feel more like myself, so that is a good thing. I'm still tapering my AD because of the side effects. My muscle stiffness, joint pain, fatigue, anxiety and tension it's all better. I'm not sure if it is because I am tapering my AD, or if I have more benzohealing.

 

I am not recovered though. I know it will take time, and all I can do is give it time. Scrolling through the stories of people I see that a lot of healing takes place in the first year, but I have accepted that it takes a lot of time, more than one year, to get to full healing. I hope I make it there one day.

 

I wish everyone who reads this strength to overcome this evil dependency!

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