It’s been four years today since I ended a rapid taper from Clonazepam. It makes me sad to think back on the horrors I went through. It truly was hell. I am PROUD to say now that I have moved on with my life. I don’t come around BB anymore because it’s just hard to relive it. I’m posting this success story as a way of moving on and also to give hope to others. I remember frantically reading story after story just to get a few seconds of peace and hope. With this, I hope to give back and help anyone going through this mess.
I’m not going to get too detailed, but it took me a few years to get back to what I consider ‘normal’. The first year was straight hell. After that, the progress began for me. It moved so slowly that it was hard to really tell. I thought for sure, I had permanent damage, but I am here to say that it was not permanent. I’m fine. I go out, go to the gym, enjoy socializing, play a round of golf per week and somehow maintained my marriage and job through this ordeal. I’ve come out on the other side.
I was a relatively short term user. Around a year I think. I was over prescribed by a doctor and I was just naïve at what I was getting into. I’ve always struggled with sleep. It’s just hard for me to settle my thoughts some nights. When I took the first benzo to sleep, I thought it was amazing. Wow! No more insomnia!.....Like I said, Naïve. After months of use, I started to encounter the fog and my intellectual capacity was declining rapidly. I visited my Dr. and said I want off. According to him, it was as easy as a 2-week taper. Well, that turned out to be bullshit. I think I stretched it out to a month long taper and that put me into a tailspin. I had just about every symptom people talk about here. Early on, the most prevalent were extreme insomnia, stomach pains, anxiety, depression, and depersonalization. The longest lasting symptom was depersonalization. I spent several years with no concept of time or place, with a dash of not feeling, connecting and just emotionless. Wouldn’t wish that shit on anyone. I’m fine now. All of that is gone.
Some things to avoid:
Alcohol. Its common knowledge here, but it’s true. I had a 4-5 month setback from having two beers one night. Don’t drink until you are better. I can drink now and I don’t get any negative rebound or issues from alcohol.
Use BB in the beginning to figure out that you are not crazy and not alone. After that, take breaks. Use it sparingly. Eventually taking longer and longer breaks until you no longer come here. It’s a double edged sword. Its good in a way, but also it can create fear and obsessiveness.
Things that helped me:
Early on, I spoke to a counselor once a week. It took a few different counselors before I found one that fit. She didn’t think I was crazy and just listened to me rant about how I thought this was permanent and she reassured me that it was not. Really, it just gave my wife a break of listening to my shit, so I paid this [...] to listen. Haha
Exercise. I cannot stress enough how much exercise and eating healthy will help you. Do it when you can and stick to it. Mostly, my windows came during or as a result of exercise.
Learn something new. I started playing the guitar during this and that helped me to escape and also helped me realize I could learn a new skill and that I was not beyond repair. I 100% believe that withdrawal depatterns some neural pathways. Recovery is sort of a chance to rebuild those pathways. Learn something new, get into a routine, and look at this process as a second chance to form your adult mentality.
Marijuana. I hadn’t smoked in years, and decided to give it a try. Weed helped me sleep, and allowed my brain to just relax. I highly recommend MMJ in recovery. I also started playing video games. Hadn't played them since college, but it became a great escape...in moderation.
To those of you in the thick of it, just know this all goes away. You will feel better. You will get better. I don’t come around here often so if I don’t respond to you, please do not take it personally. Peace.
