Struggling

Struggling with those thoughts. The damage is so bad. I won't ever be the same or heal. My family won't have me back. God help me. Every day is the same day..Can't clean or function. Can't take the kids to the zoo. Can't take the family out on a hike.

Hi,

 

You haven't got a signature so not sure of your history. But these thoughts are perfectly normal in WD, our minds like to play tricks on us. I'm sure your family loves you and always will. Just keep pushing forward and this will pass

Totally disabled from this. Grief stricken this is life now

This is your life right now or today , you will not be like this forever. I thought the same thing , just have hope that tomorrow could be better and that’s how you get through this .

Here are the instructions to add your medication history so other members can understand your situation better.  Add your history/signature 

I will try when my brain opens back up. Memory issues.  I know it's Xanax and an ssri but csnt remember the doses now. 

Are you benzo free at the moment?

Yes

How long have you been off benzo’s?  How long were you on them?  Any other meds?  How long and are you taking anything now?  Let us know so we can help.

 

U

It was Xanax and zoloft but also what is called polydrugging? Idk. Yeah been off a long time. I'm too embarrassed to tell my symptoms. Long and what I consider bad. Not sure anyone else suffers lile this. I feel like a wounded animal

How long I am 22 months off and was on it for 15 years.  You have no reason to be embarrassed. 

 

Well my symptoms are super severe and I'm embarrassed bc I haven't been a very nice person to many

Not many people around with my symptoms that I can find. Someone told me to look here. Still nothing

I hope you feel much better soon. I look forward to seeing your signature when you have a chance to create it. I'm curious what dose Xanax you came off. I am coming off 4 mgs and I am down to 1.19 mgs. I have a ways to go. I'm sorry you don't feel well but I want to congratulate you on being benzo free.

 

HM

It was tiny. I mean hardly anything. In fact I rarely took a whole one. I think the anti was more to blame but who knows for sure. I know I won't heal

It was Xanax and zoloft but also what is called polydrugging? Idk. Yeah been off a long time. I'm too embarrassed to tell my symptoms. Long and what I consider bad. Not sure anyone else suffers lile this. I feel like a wounded animal

 

Don’t be embarrassed. I’m almost certain that when you list your symptoms you will find most people here have suffered something similar. While we have very different combinations of symptoms and the journey is never linear - the general thread is the same.

 

 

Even the smallest dose of a benzodiazepine can be harmful and there is not always a correlation between what dose a person took and how much they suffer in withdrawals.

 

Hang in there.

I think knowing what the other meds you took to combat the w/d will be helpful.

I don't have a list but it was about 20. Evil awful things. I don't inagine I can come back from it all. I can't find a success story like mine. I just cant share it it's too upsetting to type.

Today is my 14th wedding anniversary. It's like incant even remember those good memories of the fun loving couple

There are many people polydrugged, cold turkey, tapered and still healed off huge amounts of meds and they healed.  You are not even considered protracted until 18-24 months off meds.  So you are almost a year off that’s great.  No you can’t compare stories as we are all different.  Everyone gets better in time.  Our brains heal.  So start retraining your brain, do all you can, eat healthy, hydrate and move your body.  Get outside in the fresh air and don’t give up.  Stay away from horror stories.

 

I know it seems like you are never going to heal and that you are damaged forever but the you that existed before the meds is still there. Whatever you’ve said or done on this journey can be revisited. I did some deplorable things right before I tapered and I honestly think it was because my brain was so messed up from benzodiazepines I couldn’t really see right from wrong. It has been a long journey but I’ve have gained back the people I hurt and forgiven myself as well (also exceptionally important.)

 

Try to avoid horror stories on here. No two are the same and often we are our own worst enemy by stressing ourselves out even more by thinking of all the horrible what if’s.

 

Do what you can. Be kind to yourself. Can you take a bath or walk when things are really bad?

I know it seems like you are never going to heal and that you are damaged forever but the you that existed before the meds is still there. Whatever you’ve said or done on this journey can be revisited. I did some deplorable things right before I tapered and I honestly think it was because my brain was so messed up from benzodiazepines I couldn’t really see right from wrong. It has been a long journey but I’ve have gained back the people I hurt and forgiven myself as well (also exceptionally important.)

 

Try to avoid horror stories on here. No two are the same and often we are our own worst enemy by stressing ourselves out even more by thinking of all the horrible what if’s.

 

I sent you a message I 🤔

 

Do what you can. Be kind to yourself. Can you take a bath or walk when things are really bad?

Happy Anniversary, Garden,

 

I hope you get a little window today from your troubles. Again, at least you're off benzo's and don't have to go through that again.

 

Wishing you happiness. Hugs.

 

HM

Sometimes I think the a.ds did me dirtier than the benzo did. I will not go on S.A that main moderator thinks she is God. She drove a woman i know to something drastic  by invalidating her pain. That is a dangerous page. People here are kind for the most part from what I've seen

Im glad your experience is that BB is a kind place to come. I agree with you.

 

HM

Well it was a kind place until I messaged someone to chat and I, through the absence of a comma made the mods think I am a 12 yr old boy rather than I have a 12yr old boy. Now I cannot pm privately. I guess that figures. I'm suffering terribly and I have to go it alone for sure. They will consider reinstating my privilege but it was the silliest of mistakes. I know I'm sensitive bc of my cns being damaged but it hurts

Hi Garden,

 

I wish you a Happy Friday I am sorry about your PM situation and hope you get reinstated to be able to PM again soon. When you go off AD's, rebound depression is one of the biggest WD symptoms. You can also have anger, irritation etc. Too bad you didn't get a chance to do a slower taper off your SD. I CT'd Paxil 25 years ago (had NO idea about tapering) and had horrible rebound problems that I didn't know where they were coming from.

 

1 mg of Xanax is enough to do some damage, so the benzo WD probably isn't helping matters.

 

I hope you feel better today,

 

HM