18 Months-Grieving the damage to my body and life

This whole process is a rollercoaster. I have come such a long way, truly. I have healed so much, from medication injury as well as CPTSD. I went fully insane during this process. It broke me. It wasn’t just the benzos. 7 years ago I was put on a number of psych meds, my body shut down. I seemed to all of a sudden be suffering from what looked like 9 major chronic illnesses, with very little evidence. Doctors were perplexed and prescribed more pills. I was on something like 14 medications to deal with the daily severe chronic pain and depression/anxiety. A psychiatrist finally told me he was worried I might die in my sleep because of the cocktail they had me on (aka stop breathing). It was a wake up call. At one point, about 5 years ago, I rapid tapered off all the meds. I went on autoimmune paleo. My health measurably improved. But, I also lost my sanity. To be clear, I was not insane before I was put on meds for possible ‘bipolar 2’. The meds damaged my nervous system and then I went insane. Psych meds made me insane. This is not uncommon but it’s so covered up by the pharmaceutical industry. The whole medical industry, where when people are exhibiting extreme stress from trauma we medicate the living daylights out of them (literally they lose their light) so we feel they are controllable and managed. The system is broken.

 

In hindsight, now that I am deeply stable (mentally/emotionally) I understand that some of the meds I was on badly damaged my liver. My doctor agrees. Finally I understand why I became so sick when I went on them (not to mention became allergic to the actual meds that were harming me, which I discovered trying to go back on in desperation). I’m 33. Though I have healed a lot, I still deal with constant chronic fatigue. My liver is the culprit. I’m starting to form a hypothesis that many of us have damage to our liver, not just our central nervous systems, it really explains a lot of our issues in benzo recovery. It’s both, really. I’m now focused on healing my liver. I’m grieving the loss of a huge chunk of my young adult life due to medication injury. I’m still too disabled to work. It’s infuriating. Tonight I let my anger rip and broke down crying to let the pain move through me. Then I decided to post this hoping someday, somewhere, someone will read it and it will help them feel less alone, less insane, and less hopeless.

 

I do believe I will continue to heal as I have made remarkable progress. I am at peace with whatever arises in my life, mostly because of my ten minutes of daily meditation per day. Because I take really good care of myself no matter how slammed down in a wave I am. I am hopeful my liver will heal, while I am angry at the medical system that destroyed my life. I can hold space for both. I consider myself lucky to be nearly 18 months off benzos, my journey was excruciating and terrifying. I’ve created a YouTube channel to share my work with the world, to channel my creative energy into being of service sharing my insights to healing from severe childhood (and recurring) trauma.

 

If I have learned anything that helped me most during this process is was learning to turn towards my pain and suffering, regardless of what caused it in any partial air moment. To hold myself through all of this and learn to really love myself unconditionally. Sending you love wherever you are at in all this. Excuse my typos I only have a smart phone. Peace be with you.

 

 

I’m so sorry this happened to you rose 🌹 xx sending u some love ❤️

I agree it's definitely a roller-coaster. Its one of the most horrifying experiences but you are making it through this experience and trust there will be light at the end of this tunnel. Ive been dealing with withdrawal since 35 and I am 36 now. Hopefully our turn to get off this roller coaster will soon end. Sending lots of healing your way🙏 

Sending you love...this is the toughest thing ever. You are young, keep putting in the work and taking good care.

 

HopeFull01

Big hug to you rose. You are strong & resilient,  keep going, xxx

I could have written your entire 1st paragraph , only it was klonopin for me.

I started taper in Feb of 2014 so its been a long road but I was completely insane after my last dose and it lasted a very long time . I dont remember alot about that final year of taper and I was really just gone that first year . My voice has even changed due to damage I did to myself when my family told me I made these awful animal like sounds for the first 6 months off.  I have no memory of that but my voice sounds like gravel now and I was a voice over actress so this has been really bad .

I understand the sadness as I lost so much weight that my skin just hangs , I LOOK crazy .  I totally get you . Your whole post , Th e bizarre illnesses that went away after stopping this stuff , just your whole post. We are going to make it , it may be different now but we are going to make it .

Thank you all. Tears in my eyes. I’ve been so supportive of others and I realize so very few people in my life ever show up with compassion. Didn’t even know how much I needed that! Self love is great but we need human kindness. It means the world to me. Thank you all for your light and for sharing what you’ve been through. Sending so much love back!