Taper at 50% but feel worse than ever!

Hi all,

 

Hope everything is good. I have been a bit inactive recently here. Had my first proper down week to be frank. Being on 40mg of Diazepam for over 5 years and getting down to 20mg had been a real milestone for me last week. I’ve not touched alcohol for just over a month, caffeine as well and cigarettes for over 3. I started my therapy this week,  however I was told he does not want to treat my mental issues (Social anxiety disorder) until I am at a stable dose! I mean I’d rather be Benzo free first than stay on them at the same level while going through therapy (which never helped prior or during). What are your guys opinion on this? I have made a face to face appointment with my GP to discuss this tomorrow as I am stuck in a catch 22 really. I can see where he is coming from as I will be having the withdrawal symptoms adding to that anxiety but I also want to drop as quick as my body can take. I have also found that this week has been absolute hell. No motivation, irritability, random pains and aches along with depression (which I have never really had before).

 

Im super pleased to be at 50%, I mean I never thought I’d do it after being admitted to hospital after a C/T but it’s certainly an achievement. I’m also starting to go into my savings now more than I would like to. Just for daily expenses, but I get et up spending money I haven’t earnt that month (sounds stupid but always like to spend what I earn and no more). How have other people felt half way through their taper? I’ve also really noticed the physical addiction this drop. I usually have 2 days from a drop fine, 3 days of withdrawals (sleep, anxious etc.) and then begin to feel better before my next drop. I am still trying to keep active, going to the gym, doing tasks for family and even went to a BBQ last weekend where everyone was drinking and managed to stick it out for 4 hours . I am having to start pushing myself to get out though and I fear doing it unless I really do push myself. I am starting to get the feeling that it’s never going to be possible. Along with this I never really find enjoyment in anything. Is it ok to have a drink or maybe smoke some weed or is that just stupid thinking 🤔? The only thing that has improved greatly is my sex life as I can actually climax from intercourse easier along with also looking the best I have in years. Great sun tan and weight loss! Why do I feel so down, is it all the withdrawals and how normal is this. Should I just keep at 20mg for a month along with therapy (if the GP allows) or will I just put pressure on myself for not coming off fast enough. I do believe it’s common practice for GPs to get a patient down to 50% and hold for a while but I am not sure how true this is in these years. Everything and everyone seems to be getting on my nerves and I am going to push the people I care about the most away and I can’t put my finger on why I feel like this. So really, do I hold at this until I feel right and go through with therapy or do I tackle the addiction first?? What are other peoples accounts when at the half way point? Is my increase in lack of motivation and happiness 100% down to withdrawals? What have people found works for them? Are there any non addictive substances that could help me? I know its a lot of questions and rambling of a mad man but I would appreciate anyone’s opinions with this. I hope everyone is doing great because remember we are all amazing but this might just be a big wave for me and I am hoping it gets better and quickly!!!

 

Much love.

Congrats on your 50% milestone! I can tell you are really proud and so you should be.

 

With that said, it is no wonder your symptoms are catching up with you. You have had a pretty tough ride looking at your signature. Going from cold turkey, reinstating and then cutting to half your dose in just under a month is pretty aggressive for a long term user. I'm amazed you're still functioning. You might want to consider slowing down your taper to remain functional. And I think holding at 20mg is a wise decision just to give your body some time to catch up. You mention that you might put pressure on yourself for not getting off fast enough. Is there a specific reason why you need to get off quickly? Ultimately the goal is to remain functional and minimize your wd symptoms and if it means you take a bit longer then wouldn't that be a better outcome than getting off fast and be miserable all the time?

 

Not finding pleasure in life is common during benzo wd unfortunately. When it comes to alcohol most members report a big increase in wd symptoms and it's generally not recommended. You say you can't put your finger on why you feel like this. Most of the time, you can really just blame the benzos. It is a powerful drug that interacts and messes with the way your brain functions. But if you follow the taper guidelines and do a symptoms based taper it is usually possible to minimize these effects.

 

You've come this far in such a short time, you just need to hang in there - you can do this!

Hi Jelly Baby, thank you so much for your reply.

 

So after a night of bad insomnia and some crazy dreams. I have decided to stay on the 20mg for now as there is no way I could do another drop. Lets just hope the GP agrees later today.

 

Thank you, I am super pleased to be at 50%!! It has been one hell of a month. Thinking about it now all that in say 35 days is a bit crazy and fast. I think its just felt like months 😂. I have no real pressure to speed everything up (except to get back to work), I just want to be Benzo free ASAP but as you pointed out I am not exactly functional anymore. I had a bit of a breakthrough this morning and thought these symptoms are so similar to when I was admitted to A and E, so you are right it is these stupidly strong powerful drugs. I have done so much research but isn’t it crazy/amazing how your body becomes so dependent on these!!! I mean alcohol should be taught about in schools here (UK) but so should all drugs I think! I think I will be pulling the short straw and admitting defeat in regards to my taper. I am sticking to my guns and staying at 20mg until I feel right. I mean 20mg is still a high dose daily but if I can level off at this even if it takes another 2 weeks. At least I will have some more sanity and functioning. It might be another tough week or two but without sounding ridiculous I am glad I felt the full effects of cold turkey as it’s proven these symptoms aren’t me, it’s me coming off Benzos and I have a benchmark so to speak of how bad it is getting or can be.

 

There’s no specific reason to why I want to drop so much, with cutting alcohol and caffiene along with diet and excellent I think that gave me a massive headstart and I like to think as a young (ish) physical fit male that it would be possible. Think I need to come to the understanding that this might not be out my body until next year and that’s just how its going to be. My main worry is financial which I might hold my dignity and apply for money from the Government during my journey (always worked since 16) but I guess that’s what it is there for and 20% of the people who are claiming are those that don’t even need it!! (Huge problem in the UK). I also worked throughout Covid and feel I was cut short in regards to everyone being furloughed while I got laid off and worked on min wage at any job I could find. I find it also very immasculating not earning money via actually doing work but hey ho. It would be a better outcome to take this at lower steps now (once I have held for a bit) as I have gone past the point of functioning properly now.

 

I did read a post just below mine last night after posting, somebody in a similar ish position where they had momentum taper, pretty much due to the long half life of V it catches up after a certain amount of drops and is probably the worst you will feel and need to hold until back to normal again. I was just so dedicated and doing everything by the book up until this last week all doing fine but just seem to have hit a brick wall but your response along with my GF just calling me to reassure me has made my decision easy. 20mg hold until I am right, yes its a real shame about lack of enjoyment but I do guess thats the price to pay for using Diazepam and also having 6+ years of never having anxiety. I need to face the medical side but mainly the mental side so that I can be myself once this whole thing is over. Onto the alcohol, it is very stupid to consider it and I can imagine the hangover being 100tes worse (I used to take an extra tab of 10mg back when I was fully addicted) so I have stayed well clear but just curious what a glass of wine with my gf would be like as we could laugh and play games but is that worth the price of going backwards in this journey 🤷‍♂️! How about weed, yes it has its downsides but I do believe its a drug untapped (especially edibles) that increase your appetite and happiness but it does come with that lazy feeling. I know all drugs are not recommended and I think really I am just looking for an outlet for a day to feel myself again but that is something I need to come to terms with. I know on the forum people cannot make suggestions in regards to these things (against forum rules which I accidentally did once) but I need to do some searching and find other people’s experiences on this.

 

“ You say you can't put your finger on why you feel like this. Most of the time, you can really just blame the benzos.” thank you so much, I think this morning this was my realisation on the matter and at least its nothing external more just a quick taper response along with tapering in general. I do need to get even more active and get some of that lovely serotonin in the right manner but thank you for reassuring this.

 

Can I just say thank you so so much for that reply Jelly Bean, its honestly one of the best places to come for advice and reassurance (without judgment as well)! I actually recommended this site to my local drug and alcohol dependency service and they couldn’t get over they had never heard of it before and how it is full of so much information! Also thanks for the compliments on my progress, it does seem I am fishing for them sometimes but it’s always nice to know from experienced users that I am on the right track.

 

Final bit to add question wise really is.

Opinions on weed weekly as a enjoyment day?

Alternative drugs that people have found help with their taper? (I am thinking of asking for Propanol)

Should I hold at 20mg until I feel 100% or just till I am functional?

Anyone in the UK claim money from the government whilst tapering and whats the best way?

Any tricks that I may have missed: improving diet, cut caffeine and alcohol, increased exercise and talking out?

 

All the best and thank you again you guys are the best. Much love.

It's good to see you're considering this process might take a bit longer than you anticipated.

 

How long should you hold? There really are no guidelines when it comes to time. That is up to you. I would suggest you hold until you have had at least a couple of consecutive good days. For me, when I crashed, I had to hold at least 3 weeks to stabilize. But that's not a general guideline, that's just me. Some people need more time, some people less.

 

If you want to know about alternative meds you'll get better answers in the support forums for example if you want to know about Propranolol - do you want to use it for anxiety? Then ask in the anxiety support forum.

 

One of the "tricks" that might be very useful in this process is to learn some coping mechanisms. You've asked about alternative meds and recreational drugs to get you through this and there's nothing wrong with this, but it might be helpful if you can also learn to manage this process by yourself without having to rely on meds. When the benzos are gone the underlying issues that got you onto them will still be there and you will have to deal with them. Therefore learning strategies to manage this might be very helpful and you could look into things such as therapy, meditation, breathing techniques or whatever keeps you grounded.

 

Good luck with your journey!

It looks like you cut from 40 to 20mg in a month. That's alot! I was able to cut from 20mgs to 5mgs fairly easy but now its brutal: constant depression, aches and pains, zero motivation, NO energy...NONE...

 

So yes, you are going to have a bumpy road BUT its so worth it. Remember to always focus on the good things you are getting back like your sexual function because your mind will oft become flooded with lies and mispercepttions and my Inner critic shows up to tell me to quit quitting.....So my I have to have my inner coach ready to get me through it

 

You're doing awesome! Great work

Thanks both of you. I think I have just really had my full experience of realising how dependent I am on these tablets. I have come more to terms with it. In relation to jelly bean aswell. I saw my doctor after posting this and asked about the 20mg and I think her “well done so far” and sick note for another month after lasts month its kind of hitting home how bad it really is and sorry I am whimpering by the sounds of it. I have a really amazing life really and still young and fit, I spoke to a therapist last Friday and he told me to stay at 20mg, which I personally think still jeopardises my taper which is best for me as he refuses to carry on the session unless I stay at 20mg?! Level out fully to deal with the anxiety which is only triggered for the stupidest reasons but not very often. Also I spoke with the local Drug and Alcohol services. 45 mins and the only extra help she suggested is earthing (walking bare foot?) and learnt more from me really as I told her about this forum. So no appointment needed she decided. The UK is a bit behind say Scandinavian way of dealing with things.

 

In all I just need to slow down. I’ve smoked weed recently as my little treat for having two good up days. Not going to lie still feel the need to get “intoxicated” possibly without the withdrawals and feel ok about it (Do kinda believe in it’s medical us especially as an alternative to alcohol). I have been really going at it and I have come to the conclusion I’ve done well so far but its going to be a long journey whichever way I do it. I’ve done really well to 20mg but now I need to slow down a bit.

 

Peace and love to all the homies. Meditation, amazing support circle, physical exercise, cutting alcohol, cigarettes and caffeine so rapidly, keeping a diary, this forum of endless information, diet, therapist, amazing doctors weekly 👍

 

Much love x

Bit weird but feel obligated to say and update (sorry for bumping). Just for anyone out there that searches in threads. I am feeling 80% myself these last few days. I was really down when posting this. Also with my post just a few days ago really. I would say 20% myself but it is just the raw things like sleep and motivation myself. Keeping brain and body in check. I have never had more than 10 days off from work let alone study since 16, need to remind myself its ok to spend some savings! Got therapy tomorrow so will update then. Going to tell him no of course and looking forward to a 17mg (3mg) drop this week but for two week hold as got family wedding away with family and gf. Peace and love, don’t give up hope. Peace ☮️

Good to hear you're feeling better.

 

Taking care of yourself is really important and if that means work and study have to take a back seat for now, then just enjoy the break! A two week hold after any cut is generally a sensible time.

 

It's good that you're still able to socialize and participate in family events. Enjoy the wedding!