Protracted and Feeling Better Now

I am reading your story over and over on days like today. Hope you are doing well!

 

 

Edit: Content

I wanted to come back and post a little update to this success story.

 

I posted my original success story at the end of May 2021. Since then, things have continued to get better. I’ve had a few hiccups along the way, but I still feel like I’m trending upward.

 

One thing that I’m still struggling with is sensitivity to substances and situations. For instance, I tried to drink a beer in the early part of October, which ended up being a big mistake. The day after I drank it, I felt the rushing thoughts and clouded mind, which I had in the early part of withdrawal, which was followed by my sleep getting slightly worse and random bouts of chemical depression for about a month. The depression that I felt was more like the traditional waves/windows people describe (because I didn’t really get windows in my first round of healing). I’d be horribly depressed for two hours and then it would go away for no reason at all. Then it would come back randomly for a few hours the next day. I still can’t drink but I’m really hoping to try again in 2023 and see how I do with it. I might just have to give it up forever.

 

Also, I started taking vitamin d this winter and had a few weeks where my insomnia returned. I stopped taking it, and my sleep came right back. I’m basically just figuring out what I can and can’t do at this point.

 

Also, I’ve been playing my music with a band. We will practice for about an hour or so, and I notice I’m very overstimulated afterward. This is something I’ll have to deal with for now because I’m really wanting to start playing out live in 2022.

 

Overall, things are good in my life. My fatigue seems to be getting a little better and my sex drive seems to be increasing. My wife is pregnant and she is due in April. My daughter is doing well. I’m still working on recording music and playing with a band. And I’m finally in a less stressful job that’s not driving me to need medication. I’m not going to spend as much time on Benzo Buddies in 2022, but if you read my success story or this update, feel free to reach out in a PM.

 

BBB, glad that you're doing better now.

Boomboxboy,

 

Glad you figured out your sleep and other issues.  We are all different and we respond differently to alcohol, vitamins, etc.  I visited my elderly parents this past weekend and forgot to bring my Vitamin D.  I normally take 10,000 IU per day and have been for the past 3+ years.  I noticed my sleep wasn't very good at all, but when I got home I took it again and my sleep went back to 7+ hours.  Also, after I was completely healed and at least 3+ years off I started to have a beer here and there with no issues.  I've continued that for the past 2+ years with no problems.  So again, we are all different and need to find out what works and what doesn't for us.

So good to read this BBB! You have come so far. A new baby on the way too, congratulations! Thanks for popping in to share your healing story. 💚

 

Happy winter holidays dear BBB.

 

Carita

I don’t get get windows or waves BBB just the same physical crap not as severe but still 24-7 then sprinkle in the low grade  of mental crap to go along with it.  The only real thing that gets me is the surge like feeling primarily in the morning although considerably not as strong but enough to ruin my mornings.  Did you have them and as far out as 29 months?

 

B

Sorry, I'm not sure what you mean. Did I have what as far as 29 months out?

 

I would say that around month 29-30, I started noticing some minor improvement in my mental symptoms. Then it really accelerated from months 30-36.

I am sorry I was not clear I am talking about the adrenaline or cortisol surges?

I would say all that has cleared up by now. I used to wake pretty panicked in the morning and the middle of the night.

Good to know that this has gone. I still wake up in the middle of the night panicked like "I overslept and am late to my first day of work" feeling and then when I finally am "up up" in the a.m. same thing. Just hearing from someone that this passes is very helpful. Unless you have been there the reassurance is a bit hollow. Thanks for coming back to answer questions.

 

 

Hello BBB.  I rarely come on Benzo Buddies, but I just saw your healing story, and I'm delighted for you.  You and I had some correspondence in the past, and I just wanted to congratulate you on your perseverance.  I believe what you've written here is true and wise, and it reinforces what we know about this hideous condition.  Unfortunately, I am still in the throes of severe symptoms and have become very protracted, but I was on daily Xanax for 30 years, so I think that explains it.

 

I am not able to listen to music just yet, but I look forward to hearing your albums.  I heard the one song you did on D. Foster's podcast, and I was impressed with your songwriting.  You have a strong sense of melody and chord structure.

 

Sorry I'm so late writing, but I just don't come on here very often, and when I do, it's typically to just check out a new entry to a thread I'm subscribed to.  I'll definitely subscribe to this one now as well. 

 

Peace to you,

-Jeff 

Hi Simon,

Yes, I remember sending some PMs your way at some point in the healing process. I don't really remember when that was. I appreciate the fact that you responded when I was in really bad shape.

 

I'm sorry that you are so protracted still and can't listen to music. What about your condition doesn't allow you to do so? Thank you for the compliments about the song on D's podcast. Does he still have a podcast? Been so long since I've thought about all this. If he does, I should send him my success story.

 

Hope you find some relief soon.

It's not that I can't listen to music, it's just that I can't enjoy it at all, and it ultimately ends up being frustrating.  It might be sort of like how you couldn't watch TV or movies for a while.  It's the constant mental symptoms that just take away all the enjoyment from it.  But I am sometimes able to listen to one or two songs at a time.

 

D still has a podcast, although he doesn't release them as regularly as he used to.  I'm sure he'd love to read your inspiring story.

 

Thanks for replying, and I'll stay tuned here for more contributions.

 

Stay well, and keep continuing to heal.

 

-Jeff (aka Simonbarsinister) 

Bump

I thought now might be a good time to give an update as it's been about a year since posting my success story. I'm still doing pretty well overall. I still consider myself a success and like 90% recovered from benzo withdrawal. Overall, things are still good in my life. My wife and I just had our second baby. I took three weeks off and I'm back at work now. I had a minor stress induced wave after bringing the baby home but it lasted about two to three days.

 

The only long lasting symptoms I still seem to be dealing with are some mild nerve burning, mostly in my left calf and around my face (mostly my cheeks). Almost feels like frost bite in my face. It doesn't really affect me much and I'm still active. The other big one is sensitivity to anything I put in my body. I tried alcohol in October and it brought back some depression, which was off and on for a month. I tried vitamin d3 in November when it started getting darker all the time and it brought back insomnia. Recently, I tried an herbal supplement called tongkat ali and it brought back some mild akathisia. I'm basically figuring out what I can and can't put in my body. I had a cup of coffee about a month ago and didn't have any ill effects so that was good. I might try to get back to a daily half cup this summer, as long as it doesn't disrupt my naps.

 

It's now been about 50 months since I quit Klonopin cold turkey (March of 2018). I was in hell for 2-3 years. I dealt with symptoms such as severe insomnia, akathisia which led to suicidal and criminal urges and a constant inner restlessness that made it so I had to be walking nonstop, depression, intrusive thoughts, anxiety, anhedonia, paranoia, derealization, nerve burning, blurred vision, bizarre head symptoms which were linked to the akathisia, fear of everything, and many more. It wasn't till about 29-30 months when I started noticing some positive changes. Healing really accelerated from months 30-36. I'm still feeling like improvements are happening very slowly. Hoping to get over my sensitivities at some point but who knows. Keep pushing onward, anyone who is suffering! It gets better.

tnx for taking the time to post, you had a hell of a ride

Bump, hey boomboombox, as many other symptoms i deal with paranóia, what was yours like? I couldnt get into my windows, the sight from other apartaments bothered me like crazy, Thats not New for me i Had paranóia since the Very beginning after being exposed tô this drugs other than benzos i had severe symptoms but i fully recovered sadly i Got exposed again, always when i waking inside home i look into the door hole tô see the hallway, while the paranóia from windows decreased a Lot, now i Can leave It wide open, while It doesnt bother much Its not completely gone, thanks for taking your time

The paranoia actually came more toward the end of my really bad symptoms from like months 24-30. It was the summer of 2020. I was really worried the government was monitoring the videos I was watching on youtube and that the government would arrive at my door step because of my political beliefs. That's when the paranoia was at its worse. But that faded too. I didn't really mention that in my success story because it was a later symptom further from the really bad acute ones that I faced.

Hey BoomBoxBoy!

 

I never cease to be amazed by how the narrative changes... waw! I remember the despair you were in, and now just look at you sharing your success and helping other buddies find hope that this is yet to come to them too! Talk about rebirth into a stronger happier self  :thumbs-up:

 

What about your positive emotions, interest and enthusiasm? Did you feel those come back gradually?

 

It's weird because I realize that when I am with my friends, I can indeed 'be in the moment', be connected to what is happening, to them, to the topic of conversation - and in a way, to myself. I don't think about feeling rotten. It's like I find energy in their 'emotional energy' (which I lack). But when I need to entertain myself... I am stuck in the moment which just feels devoid of everything. Putting one foot in front of the other to walk along the side-walk is like lifting 10000-pound weights at every step I take. Crazy how hard this is and still is at 5 years out and still with no improvement yet. Can't wait for something to shift...   

 

Anyhow, thank you for sharing BBB  :thumbs-up:

Have a great day and keep taking the best care of yourself!

 

Julz

I do have more positive emotions now for sure and many of my interests have returned. My interests coming back took a long while. Enthusiasm is still a little hit or miss. I would consider myself someone with a pretty low amount of enthusiasm about most things even prior to benzos but it's definitely better than it was during withdrawal.

 

I think things will gradually shift for you!

Hello Julz, the critters and many of us miss you alot.  Sorry to hear about you're not feeling so well.

I do have more positive emotions now for sure and many of my interests have returned. My interests coming back took a long while. Enthusiasm is still a little hit or miss. I would consider myself someone with a pretty low amount of enthusiasm about most things even prior to benzos but it's definitely better than it was during withdrawal.

 

I think things will gradually shift for you!

 

That's so great to read, BBB!  :thumbs-up: I'm sure there is yet more to come, you started improving rather recently and I believe you're still within the corner you're turning. And that's such a beautiful place of healing to have reached, I'm just delighted for you 

Thank you so much for the encouragement! 

 

Hello Julz, the critters and many of us miss you alot.  Sorry to hear about you're not feeling so well.

 

Hello dear Becks! 

Thank you for your message, it really warms my heart  I think of you and all our wonderful friends over at Fiona's blog. I know you too are still suffering a lot  :'( so here's a big hug for you  :smitten:

Hi BBB. That's got to be the most factual and coherent account of benzo withdrawal I've taken the time to read. It is also educational. Thank you very much.

Thanks Julz for your kind words.  Yes, I am suffering alot, but I'm used to it now.

The paranoia actually came more toward the end of my really bad symptoms from like months 24-30. It was the summer of 2020. I was really worried the government was monitoring the videos I was watching on youtube and that the government would arrive at my door step because of my political beliefs. That's when the paranoia was at its worse. But that faded too. I didn't really mention that in my success story because it was a later symptom further from the really bad acute ones that I faced.

 

Thanks for sharing mate take good care