😑 B L E A K 😐 How to cope with finding everything utterly miserable?

How the hell can people deal with this feeling for so long - Eurgh, the way I can describe how I’m feeling is, when you have a sickness, a fever, a really awful cold, you can’t find enjoyment in anything, everything takes on a dark, unpleasant aura, even watching something regular on TV is miserable, reading articles is miserable, I guess this is anhedonia - I really feel like if I won the lottery right now I wouldn’t even be excited - I’m too ‘ill’ right now, I really want the pangs of uneasiness and sadness to go away.

 

I often find that watching stuff on TV, especially stuff with chirpy daytime TV presenters, it’s jarring, I’m so far from society that their positive attitude only serves as a reminder how removed I really am.

 

Comedy sometimes helps, I also like to attempt to trivialise some of these thoughts in my head, unfortunately that’s a losing battle, as much as I’d like to fight this stuff head on it really just feels like when it wants to make me feel terrible, it will do just that. I’m sick of feeling dread and discomfort over every single thing!

 

I know there’s a separate board for discussing ADs and I’m not asking for advise on this - but I’m going to attempt going back on an AD, after having a paradoxical reaction to benzos before I went C/T this could be a really bad idea, there’s so much conflicting opinion and testimonial 🤷‍♂️ I just want to feel happy again!!!

Hey kojack,

 

You write very vividly. I'm sorry for your pain and unease. What comedy are you enjoying? I got into Norm MacDonald and Bill Burr. They're pretty grumpy and I found that a good fit.

 

You know that benzo withdrawal leads to depression? It can be temporary, it may pass when you heal further. If you feel like you have to give the AD a try, I understand that. But I wonder if you're able to take a step back and recognise that this is temporary and that once you have repaired from the benzo damage, there's every expectation that you'll be doing a lot better than now. In other words, it might not drag on as long as you think.

 

We'll support you here whatever you do. There's no very easy answers once we get deep into the pharmaceutical game. There's no shame in feeling alien from chirpy daytime TV presenters  .

Hey kojack,

 

You write very vividly. I'm sorry for your pain and unease. What comedy are you enjoying? I got into Norm MacDonald and Bill Burr. They're pretty grumpy and I found that a good fit.

 

You know that benzo withdrawal leads to depression? It can be temporary, it may pass when you heal further. If you feel like you have to give the AD a try, I understand that. But I wonder if you're able to take a step back and recognise that this is temporary and that once you have repaired from the benzo damage, there's every expectation that you'll be doing a lot better than now. In other words, it might not drag on as long as you think.

 

We'll support you here whatever you do. There's no very easy answers once we get deep into the pharmaceutical game. There's no shame in feeling alien from chirpy daytime TV presenters  .

 

Thanks diaz-e-BAM,

 

Oh I like Norm and Bill Burr, but I needed something very easy on the brain at first and watched all of the Jackass movies on Netflix, my reason at the time was that I got some comfort that they’re still standing (for the most part) after drug abuse and frequent concussions, I thought ‘Well at least I’ve not damaged my brain THAT badly”.

 

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been watching ‘Limmy’s Show’, he’s a Scottish comedian, I think he’d be much more popular internationally if more people could understand his strong accent and slang, his show is a little bit like ‘Tim and Eric’s Awesome Show’, I listened to his audiobook autobiography while writhing about in bed the other day, Limmy is really open about his mental health struggles and incorporates bits of that into the show, there are some really bleak moments at times, which I can relate to even more in this state.

 

I might try for something grumpy like Bill though, or maybe some Ricky Gervais!

 

Yeah I do believe it will lift in time, it’s just the depression side really got me bad this past Monday on the cusp of a wave, it’s faded now but it’s pretty damn nasty when it rears it’s head, totally unstoppable tidal wave of crap, I actually felt it reach some sort of peak, like my brain was like “Yeah okay, that’ll do now, I don’t think I can feel any deeper misery than this!” Which I’ve been fortunate to never experience before, hopefully never again too lol.

Hi Kojack: I can completely empathize with you. I am in a dark place now myself. I got off benzos in 2014, then off my AD doxepin in 2016 and finally off mirtazapine 7.5mg that I was taking for sleep but that made me nice and plump. A year ago MArch I ended up in the hospital with Atrial Flutter and then had an ablation to fix that. Then in May 2020 I got diagnosed with SIBO, small intestine bacteria overgrowth which involved treatment with antibiotics, major diet changes, lots of supplements and Im still getting over it. On top of that last spring my low back started giving me grief, LOTs of low back pain keeping me awake at night. Two sets of steroid shots later Im still having back pain. I hurt all over, feel like shit and am depressed. As you say its hard to find joy in much of anything when you feel so crappy. And my marriage is suffering to boot. So I too am thinking about going back on an AD. My doctor want me to try Cymbalta for the pain and my mood but Im balking at that as I fear the side affects will "wire me up" and keep me awake all night etc. I have 20 years experience with doxepin. I sleep fine with it and it helped my depression. Its supposed to help with pain too. I dont really want to take it but I am tired of being in this dark, painful hole. I can't, dont want to keep going like this. So I truly understand where you are coming from.

Looks like it's been a long hard time dealing with it. I know the sickness feeling with everything. Sounds like you're dealing with anxiety as well as depression. That's how it's been in my world but with an element of guilt. It's been a hideous ordeal throughout, no windows that I can tell. Has gotten worse since July 2019 for whatever reason, possibly current affairs I stress out about. I've had to back it off, try to sleep instead. At least in that state, there's a slight chance I dream something that sort of find refuge in. I take Seroquel to fall asleep. I take too much AD's and Gabapentin and am stuck on. The only thing that ever lifted me out of depression/anxiety is Hydrocodone. But of course that's hard to come by. It's been about 4.5 yrs off Clonazepam and my endurance is falling. I can't say where that's headed but I would say there are limits for anyone. So sorry you're in that state. I don't give advice but just to take care, something I'm not doing too well.

Hey kojack,

 

You write very vividly. I'm sorry for your pain and unease. What comedy are you enjoying? I got into Norm MacDonald and Bill Burr. They're pretty grumpy and I found that a good fit.

 

You know that benzo withdrawal leads to depression? It can be temporary, it may pass when you heal further. If you feel like you have to give the AD a try, I understand that. But I wonder if you're able to take a step back and recognise that this is temporary and that once you have repaired from the benzo damage, there's every expectation that you'll be doing a lot better than now. In other words, it might not drag on as long as you think.

 

We'll support you here whatever you do. There's no very easy answers once we get deep into the pharmaceutical game. There's no shame in feeling alien from chirpy daytime TV presenters  .

 

Thanks diaz-e-BAM,

 

Oh I like Norm and Bill Burr, but I needed something very easy on the brain at first and watched all of the Jackass movies on Netflix, my reason at the time was that I got some comfort that they’re still standing (for the most part) after drug abuse and frequent concussions, I thought ‘Well at least I’ve not damaged my brain THAT badly”.

 

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been watching ‘Limmy’s Show’, he’s a Scottish comedian, I think he’d be much more popular internationally if more people could understand his strong accent and slang, his show is a little bit like ‘Tim and Eric’s Awesome Show’, I listened to his audiobook autobiography while writhing about in bed the other day, Limmy is really open about his mental health struggles and incorporates bits of that into the show, there are some really bleak moments at times, which I can relate to even more in this state.

 

I might try for something grumpy like Bill though, or maybe some Ricky Gervais!

 

Yeah I do believe it will lift in time, it’s just the depression side really got me bad this past Monday on the cusp of a wave, it’s faded now but it’s pretty damn nasty when it rears it’s head, totally unstoppable tidal wave of crap, I actually felt it reach some sort of peak, like my brain was like “Yeah okay, that’ll do now, I don’t think I can feel any deeper misery than this!” Which I’ve been fortunate to never experience before, hopefully never again too lol.

I'm glad it's faded somewhat. That's a good sign.

 

Ricky Gervais is good. I mean, I like his comedy a lot and tbh I would call him a genius... begrudgingly because I think he's a bit of a dick in some ways lol. I get what you're saying about something easy. I found cartoons to be pretty good for an easy watch that could take me away from the struggles. South Park and King Of The Hill are two of my favourites for binge watching old episodes. Old Ali G clips on YouTube, too.

 

I've had Limmy's Show recommended before. I'm going to check that out. 

Looks like it's been a long hard time dealing with it. I know the sickness feeling with everything. Sounds like you're dealing with anxiety as well as depression. That's how it's been in my world but with an element of guilt. It's been a hideous ordeal throughout, no windows that I can tell. Has gotten worse since July 2019 for whatever reason, possibly current affairs I stress out about. I've had to back it off, try to sleep instead. At least in that state, there's a slight chance I dream something that sort of find refuge in. I take Seroquel to fall asleep. I take too much AD's and Gabapentin and am stuck on. The only thing that ever lifted me out of depression/anxiety is Hydrocodone. But of course that's hard to come by. It's been about 4.5 yrs off Clonazepam and my endurance is falling. I can't say where that's headed but I would say there are limits for anyone. So sorry you're in that state. I don't give advice but just to take care, something I'm not doing too well.

 

I understand, after my last withdrawal I c/t ADs, it’s not something I could do now but I’m coming round to the thinking the only way to truly heal from this is to make sacrifices and to fight it, I seriously need to put more effort into battling it but that’s easier said than done, I’ve taken anti-depressants and healed quickly in the past but I continued to feel depression and guilt, even post the c/t withdrawl sx from ADs, which is why I slipped back into taking Valium again.

Sometimes I feel that’s the way it’s destined to be headed for me too but when I’m at that point I still have something in me that wants to fight it. Thankfully.

 

I had come out of my depression wave for around 6 days, now after trying Prozac for 3 days I’ve had severe anxiety, now it’s sliding back into severe depression, bawling my eyes out and feeling extremely hopeless.

 

This is the second time now that it’s gotten so bad and was the reason I tried Prozac in the first place.

 

I’m putting it mainly down to lack of sleep, the Prozac has given me terrible insomnia the past 4-5 nights and I’ve been working in the day, constant overtired headache.

 

Hurry up GABA, you’re needed ASAP!!!

 

Hi Kojack: I can completely empathize with you. I am in a dark place now myself. I got off benzos in 2014, then off my AD doxepin in 2016 and finally off mirtazapine 7.5mg that I was taking for sleep but that made me nice and plump. A year ago MArch I ended up in the hospital with Atrial Flutter and then had an ablation to fix that. Then in May 2020 I got diagnosed with SIBO, small intestine bacteria overgrowth which involved treatment with antibiotics, major diet changes, lots of supplements and Im still getting over it. On top of that last spring my low back started giving me grief, LOTs of low back pain keeping me awake at night. Two sets of steroid shots later Im still having back pain. I hurt all over, feel like shit and am depressed. As you say its hard to find joy in much of anything when you feel so crappy. And my marriage is suffering to boot. So I too am thinking about going back on an AD. My doctor want me to try Cymbalta for the pain and my mood but Im balking at that as I fear the side affects will "wire me up" and keep me awake all night etc. I have 20 years experience with doxepin. I sleep fine with it and it helped my depression. Its supposed to help with pain too. I dont really want to take it but I am tired of being in this dark, painful hole. I can't, dont want to keep going like this. So I truly understand where you are coming from.

 

Hey Pokey, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way :/

 

My experience with trying Prozac wasn’t good, way too stimulating, something that I didn’t see was I’d always thought 20mg of Prozac was a low dose but it turns out I’m quite wrong, so perhaps go easy if you’re thinking about Cymbalta, see how you react from a tiny doss first and see how you get on. You can keep doing this, you can, we all can, we have to fight it!

 

 

Sorry to bump this thread again - I’m struggling today with the fact that no matter what other symptoms seem to improve a little outside big waves, one symptom that seems to stay at a constant level no matter what is pangs of unsettling dread about the world and my surroundings. They come around constantly, it’s not all the time and I can distract myself at times but it will always slam through me throughout the day, seemingly at random times and usually without me having to really ruminate on anything.

 

It’s as if the regular, mundane world around me becomes disturbing, unsettling, miserable, it’s like whatever allows me to feel ‘meh’ apathy towards the mundane has eroded and instead I feel enveloping darkness when doing something as simple as walking/driving/sitting, in any situation, anything, anywhere, more than several times a day.

 

One way it does seem to manifest itself, is as I’ll be thinking about my future, maybe ideas of what I can change that could make me happier like moving house, changing my job, dating again, seeing my friends and family more etc, then this dark pang will come over me like as if there is no more joy in the world, these things are pointless, you wouldn’t be happy even if you achieved all of these things, there’s no hope, it’s not even as if I’m actively thinking or ruminating on these things it just seems to happen.

 

It also comes when I think to previous times I’ve felt this way, either through times of illness pre-withdrawal (high fevers etc) or more recently in withdrawal, I can think of a time a couple of weeks ago where I felt this dark feeling while driving down a road, just the visual memory of that, as mundane and regular as that image is it gives me a sickening feeling of dread just thinking about it!

 

It’s truly awful and I’m sick of it! Outside of bad waves I really do want to believe I’m improving my baseline, but having this feeling all of the time makes me feel like I’m really not.

 

Hope you are all doing well!

One way it does seem to manifest itself, is as I’ll be thinking about my future, maybe ideas of what I can change that could make me happier like moving house, changing my job, dating again, seeing my friends and family more etc, then this dark pang will come over me like as if there is no more joy in the world, these things are pointless, you wouldn’t be happy even if you achieved all of these things, there’s no hope, it’s not even as if I’m actively thinking or ruminating on these things it just seems to happen.

Hey kojack,

 

Hope you're doing well too. I mean, I know it's a struggle, but you know what I mean 

 

You write really well. I know it will be scant consolation for you but you really do paint a picture with words. I think from the way that you're phrasing that you understand that this mode of thinking that I have quoted isn't the real you, and is the depression talking. You're pretty fresh of benzos and it's pretty normal to feel like crap at this point. This can be a source of optimism, because it's absolutely a temporary condition. All those things you listed, there will be a day when you can't wait to get on with them. And they will make you feel better when you get there. It's just that it can be a bit of a long haul for many people. You probably don't feel the optimism and indeed can't feel it due to your condition. But you can think the optimism and have faith that better days are ahead.

 

I was so damn depressed at one time that I wasn't even brushing my teeth on a daily basis. Now I have something of a zest for life, making up for lost time. You will be the same, I believe. There's no reason to think otherwise. For now, keep doing the best that you can. If that's "not a lot" on quite a lot of days, don't worry about that.

One way it does seem to manifest itself, is as I’ll be thinking about my future, maybe ideas of what I can change that could make me happier like moving house, changing my job, dating again, seeing my friends and family more etc, then this dark pang will come over me like as if there is no more joy in the world, these things are pointless, you wouldn’t be happy even if you achieved all of these things, there’s no hope, it’s not even as if I’m actively thinking or ruminating on these things it just seems to happen.

Hey kojack,

 

Hope you're doing well too. I mean, I know it's a struggle, but you know what I mean 

 

You write really well. I know it will be scant consolation for you but you really do paint a picture with words. I think from the way that you're phrasing that you understand that this mode of thinking that I have quoted isn't the real you, and is the depression talking. You're pretty fresh of benzos and it's pretty normal to feel like crap at this point. This can be a source of optimism, because it's absolutely a temporary condition. All those things you listed, there will be a day when you can't wait to get on with them. And they will make you feel better when you get there. It's just that it can be a bit of a long haul for many people. You probably don't feel the optimism and indeed can't feel it due to your condition. But you can think the optimism and have faith that better days are ahead.

 

I was so damn depressed at one time that I wasn't even brushing my teeth on a daily basis. Now I have something of a zest for life, making up for lost time. You will be the same, I believe. There's no reason to think otherwise. For now, keep doing the best that you can. If that's "not a lot" on quite a lot of days, don't worry about that.

 

Thank you so much for this diaz-e-BAM, your response is just what I needed to hear right now, thank you for the compliment on my writing, you’re very kind! I am enjoying writing semi-regularly on this board, writing thoughts and feelings, reminds me of when I kept a diary when I was a teenager.

 

I do have optimism for better days, even when I’ve completely bottomed out with aggressive depression I do have hope that this will be over, though I find when I’m in a wave, particularly an anxiety based wave, all of that hope gets encompassed by fear and it becomes a real battle.

 

Now I have a little bit of time behind me I am starting to become hardened to a lot of the worst feelings, some parts of me do feel improved, some have remained a constant, a wave just crashes through that progress and I get so worried about how far each wave will take me, that each wave could take me to a new unpleasant place I’ve not been before. I’m looking forward to post-3 months and a proper window, right now my windows are around 65-75%.

 

Thanks again, I will try to focus on that feeling of optimism about the future, when I’m given true breathing space, either in a good window or when I feel healed I can’t wait to go about life with a completely renewed approach and that zest for life!