6 months and one week - feeling so much better

Dear friends, I just wanted to pop in to write a quick update that will hopefully provide encouragement to those still struggling. I have greatly appreciated the support and love that I have received here at BB.

 

I left for a bit after posting some things about treatments that worked for me in the wrong places. For that I apologize. I never meant to offend.

 

After a really horrible month six there were moments when I really didn’t know how I’d go on. I had thoughts that I had never had before and I was terrified of my own mind. I went through PMDD, depression, chemical anger and rage. I had suffered greatly in prior months with intense chemical anxiety and tension, akathisia, depression, and pain in my brain that was beyond anything I imagined. My other symptoms were many, but these were the worst.

 

I realized at about five and a half months that I needed to do something to help myself - that simply waiting might result in harm to myself. This is a personal decision, but one that was right for me.

 

I delved deeply into the science for clues. Some say that this is futile - that only time will heal. Time is certainly required for all injuries, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t things that can help to improve healing and outcomes. In any case, I am stubborn and have never been one to trust popular opinion and “it can’t be done” is just a challenge for me to do it. Just because reliable healing aids have not been found doesn’t mean that they don’t exist - it means that they are waiting to be discovered. For me, a small dose of tianeptine, a tiny dose (1mg) of Prozac to increase neurosteroids but not serotonin, and a little pregnenolone seemed to lift me out of despair. The science behind these choices is extensive, but I did considerable research before choosing them.

 

Within days of making these changes I felt better and now, after several weeks, I feel almost back to myself. It may have been time, or the interventions, or both - it is hard to say.

 

I sleep 7-9 hours a night and wake up once or twice for a few minutes without sleep aids. This is better sleep than I got before benzos (I was on benzos for sleep). I have very little depression or anxiety - when I do have anxiety it is mild and lasts only a short time - an hour at most. I have a bit of fatigue in the afternoon that is lifting. I wake up in the morning and feel fine - I used to feel horrible. I can drink a morning latte without incident. I am running a bit, and re-building my strength. I am able to work again. I have been feeling progressively better for about 2 weeks.

 

Because of the PMDD that I acquired, I am not calling myself healed until I have passed through two more cycles without incident (at least two more months). I have nearly passed through one. I would also like to be free of chemical anxiety completely and be sure depression is gone. But, overall, things have turned around and have stayed for a few weeks.

 

Hopefully, I will be back to post a success story in a few months. The process is unpredictable, so who knows?

 

I plan to start a subreddit for benzo injured people looking for solutions. Since little new information has been written in the twenty years since the Aston Manual was published, I have begun writing a scientific document that includes all potential therapies for benzo injury, and results from those who have tried it. It includes information on hormones, interventions old and new, novel peptides and standard therapy - all with scientific references, trials and testimonials. It will be edited as the community contributes their experiences. We cannot rely on big pharma to solve our problems with clinical trials (nor would we want to). We need to find our own solutions and share them with each other - until then, it is endless suffering in a black box of “time” that can be seemingly endless for some. This is unacceptable, and the reason I will be starting this group. It is also based on the many private messages I have received on Reddit indicating that there is a need and desire for such a group. I belong not just to the benzo group on Reddit, but to the nootropics, peptides, depression, anxiety and a variety of other groups interested in both conventional and novel treatments. The benzo injured are everywhere - it is disheartening.

 

Many of those who join will be the pioneers - those who don’t want to wait and are willing to take a risk to try something different. It’s a personal choice to join - even those who just want to watch and learn are welcome. This way, I will not be offending anyone, but instead inviting only those who wish to learn more. I will link to it when I have a success story (which is when I plan to form it).

 

My warmest wishes to all of you. I wish healing to all.

 

Oh Fluffer,

 

I'm so happy for you!!

 

Congrats! I can't wait to read your success story!!

 

Yes, there are way too many benzo injured!

 

 

Hugs

Winnie

Fluffer, I am so glad you are feeling better. I think your idea for examining the scientific data we have is excellent and I look forward to reading your success story. ❤️

Hi,

 

Just reading your posts and great job!  Question, you quit cold turkey, correct, and powered through?  Am I understanding that correctly?

Thanks for confirming.  I took .5 Lorazepam  - usually cut in half to .25 every day or every other for almost three weeks. I stopped due to my medical event that I took them for was over and then BAM -- 4-5 days after stopping, I had major issues/symptoms so I found BB and decided to taper down. 

Fluffer this is great news. And I for one like reading ur posts. I think it’s brave that you haven’t just gone with the “time” cure and that’s it’s working for you x there is nothing wrong with looking or getting help in this.

 

I hope u continue to improve xx

I'm relieved to see you fluffernutter, I've missed your voice on the forum and hope you'll continue to drop in when you can.  I applaud your efforts, rejoice in your well being and look forward to your continuing advocacy on the behalf of those injured by benzodiazepines.

 

Thank you for all you do and I wish you success in your endeavors. 

 

Pamster

fluffernutter, I’m genuinely happy you are experiencing this good run and hope it is sign of permanency.  Please, as always, stay in touch and keep us posted.  Your voice and views are most welcomed.

Good to hear Nutter! Saw your thread on Reddit, very brave to try those meds, glad it seems to be working for you

Matt Damon  :smitten:  

I love that movie x

 

And u are sciencing the shit out of this, and it’s paying off for u x 

I love that movie x

 

And u are sciencing the shit out of this, and it’s paying off for u x 

 

THIS! 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻 (My favorite quote from that movie), also an excellent book!

Great movie!

I'm glad to hear you are doing so much better. I've read quite a lot of your posts, even though I don't reply (I'm just awed by the science).

 

And The Martian with Matt Damon was one heck of a movie. He survived some tough circumstances, kind of like we survivors of benzo's.

Shayna, Pamster, Kitsune - great taste in movies, and as Pamster said, Matt Damon 

 

Today is day one of the usual spike in PMDD and would usually be day 8 of PMDD nightmare - so far one week with no PMDD and week 2 starting calm with no symptoms.

 

One point for science, no points for blowing up...for now 

 

 

BenzoLottie, thank you for the kind words. I hope you are hanging in.

 

 

Sometime I'm hanging by a thread, but still hanging. Thanks for the hope.

Aw, Benzolotte, I've been there many a time. Sending hugs your way.

 

Thanks for the hugs, sending hugs back at you.

Every time I post to milestones about feeling better, I get a wave! Am I cursed???

 

I've felt like God abandoned me, or I woke up and felt I was in Hell. I just pray each day during meditation time, for mercy. But it feels like my prayers fall on deaf ears. I get it, but we'll never understand it. 

I find myself why all these people are suffering on BB, needlessly from a stupid drug that should have helped, not hurt them. Sometimes the suffering of others overwhelms me. Why any of us?

Oh my gosh BenzoLottie, this sounds EXACTLY like me...everyday. Praying, cursing, feeling abandoned, begging, resenting. I don't get it at ALL, nor do I understand it. And I say - some people are spared, why not me? And I think of those suffering even more, and I think, why not them too? And then I start thinking about suffering in general and, oh boy, then I have to turn off the meditation music. I meditate every day for 30 minutes or sometimes a few hours even. But sometimes I cannot tame my thoughts, I cannot go back to counting my breath, I just get wild in my mind and have to stop. Other times, I can do it, fall asleep even (though that's a horrible thing - toxic naps, ewwwwwww). Anyway, I HEAR you and totally understand and relate.

 

Some days it just feels impossible to concentrate on ANYTHING let alone meditation. So sorry you're suffering fluffer. It's been a hell of a week for me too. Yesterday was decent hoping I'm coming out of it. The full moon never seems to help my cause.

 

I was so happy to see your post as I'd wondered how you made out with the tianeptine... glad to read it worked for you! I'll have to do some digging on reddit to find your threads. Hang in there, honey. Healing is coming for all of us!!

I'm so happy for you Fluffer. You're very intelligent, but I already knew that. It's cool to see you expanding on things compared to Reddit. You're going to get through this before it's all said and done.

      So,glad for you Fluffer!  I’ve seen you on Reddit.  Proud of your decisions

        Really great to know you