The Strangest Recovery Of All...22 months update.

 

This is not my success story as I consider myself as still in recovery, but I’m nearly there.

So I stopped 5mg of diazepam CT on 2nd June 2019

That’s just over 22 months at the time I posted this.

I stopped 120 mg of Amitriptyline March 2018 (15 months prior)

I had to taper this over 6 months after a previous attempt at CT of which sent me into shock where this was reinstated at hospital.

I’m sure that this is what made my diazepam withdrawal and recovery worse.

During recovery i have not taken any other pills or supplements and have always eaten cleanly.

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The Strangest Recovery Of All...22 months update.

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First of all I like to call this benzo recovery and not withdrawal, well as far as I’m concerned recovery comes after the damage and recovery means just that, you have started to become better after an injury and believe it or not you are getting better and not worse. The thing is with this benzo recovery is that it will convince you that you’re stuck and that you are neither getting better nor worse and that the way you’re feeling right now is how you are going to feel like for ever, but this is not true!

 

I've spent many months of my recovery studying all of us rather than chatting with Frank on how sick I might be, or when I might die, or what pill I should or shouldn’t take next. I feel that I’ve picked this puzzle of recovery a little and I’ll tell you what I think because it really is quite simple, but we’re so crowded with too many helpers to realise that all it really takes is time! But how much time? When will you be fixed? It’s all taking so long and some of us never seem to be getting any better, in fact some of us might be feeling worse, rest assured it will get better.

 

One of the symptoms that many of us fail to recognise and feel or understand is negative thoughts. When I’m in a good place mentally, my symptoms were always less, or when I was preoccupied with my hobby (I’m a wood turner) I just wouldn’t notice I was feeling so sick, in fact I could turn around a bad wave into something a lot more manageable just by doing something I love to do even though I didn’t feel like doing anything prior, I know it’s difficult to motivate oneself, just like washing the dishes when you’d rather just sit there, but once you get going you’ll be ok!

We must stay positive, or at least not negative.

 

Another strange thing i noticed is that a lot of the symptoms for me were more mental rather than physical, when I am asleep i didn’t have any symptoms at all, I know you will be quick to argue that you don’t sleep or that you have terrible insomnia, but I mean when you do actually sleep and hours go by without a bad thought or feeling at all, It does seem that it’s only the conscious mind which is suffering. So sometimes mindset can be everything to us, time really is the path to recovery because time appears to race by if we are asleep or preoccupied. Quite the opposite of sitting in the chair and doing nothing at all.

 

So how long does it take to get better?

It’s going to take time and that’s the bottom line of it my friends, it’s all about how you fill that time, it would be nice to think that we could just go asleep for a year or two or how ever long it took to recover, but that’s not happening, but you now have a good idea as what to do and not do, keep busy with a positive outlook and hold in your heart that recovery is a surety. If you constantly tell yourself that you are not going to get better or this will take forever then you will only have yourself to blame. Read the positives on this site, don’t listen to the horror stories when you know that you are going to get better, it’s just going to take time and you can control how long by not being negative.

 

It might help some of you to realise that it may become worse before it gets better. It gives an understanding to the early recoverers that this is what can happen to a lot of us as this is how it went for me. It might of been different if I’d have tapered, but I didn’t know what was happening until I was slowly becoming sicker. So if you’re several months off and in a really bad way and it seems to be getting worse, then try not to panic, be reassured that you will get better eventually, it’s just that this is how it is for you and this is your own story of recovery, it just depends where and how it goes, but it’s still just a time game, that’s all it is for all of us.

"Take comfort...you will heal!"

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My first few weeks were spent with a positive outlook, dizziness and feeling drunk is the best way to explain it. I then felt like things were getting better until a month or so passed by that I started to feel worse and worse, to a point where my anxiety was off the roof. Over the next six months I became very ill mental and physically, I felt extremely sick and mentally twisted in a way that I’ve never experienced in my life, I really thought that I was going to die and was quite surprised that I was still alive as I waited for the light of day to come, I remember it was just after November  2019 that I was at my worst, by now I think I had 2 or three hospital visits, I was in a really serious way and I’ve never documented this before as it would of been no help to anybody, but it needs to be told at some time. Suicide became more than a thought, I’d even made preparations, but that’s all I’m prepared to say about this, obviously it didn’t happen and I didn’t attempt it...thank goodness.

 

It’s now February 2020 and I’ve been off over eight months and felt the very very worst was behind me...only just! some of us know how this story can pan out. Anyways, time did very slowly past whereas the mental symptoms eased and believe me I’ve had my fair share. But that’s when the physical symptoms ramped up, I think I had them prior but was too overwhelmed with the mental torture. I’ve had all sorts of problems from shooting pains all over at random places, crushing, stabbing, cramping, burning, tingling etc etc. The fear, paranoia, phobias, anxiety, depression etc etc. It’s truly a demoralising state of which seems to have no ending, but it does end, yes it really does very slowly get better without realising it and you’ve probably read this many a time from others, that’s because it’s true! You will heal! You will slowly get better and hardly notice it. It’s like trying to watch your hair grow. You will need to look back on your recovery to see that it has in fact gotten better.

 

Well as I said , this is not my success story as I still have some recovering to do, although at 22 months I now feel better. It’s been a very difficult journey and at times I thought I would die. I couldn’t believe that a small amount of diazepam could cause all this, I’m sure that a lot of my problems were because I was only 15 months off my 120mg of amitriptyline and so it just made my ct a lot lot worse. Each one of us has a different story of what we took, how long we had taken them, how we stopped etc etc. My first benzo was 40 years ago and that in its self would have a huge impact. I am an alcoholic too, although I haven’t had a drink now in 17 years. We just all have a different journey and that’s why I always say that it’s time that is the healer and the clock only starts when you stop! and that means from your very last pill!!

 

 

This is truly "the strangest recovery of all" because it’s my story and mine alone.

 

I’ll get back to you all with my success story...all in good time.

 

Good luck and God bless...Banana Man.

 

Hi Banana Man, thanks for letting us know your story, for giving us hope and for always doing your best to stay positive.    I look forward to your full recovery and success story.

Thank you BananaMan - So nice to hear the positives stories on this forum, It just helps tremendously to all who is still fighting through it. keep it up and good luck - Take care :thumbsup:

I got a lot out of reading your story. It's nice to know that someone has a similar mentality. These days, I don't pretend that I don't need reassurance and validation. I'm relatively sure of myself and the course that I am taking but I am human so it's still nice to see that someone feels the same way and is also happy with how things are going. Your observations about the common pitfalls are absolutely spot on.

 

[..]hold in your heart that recovery is a surety.

 

This is great advice. I have a university degree in Mathematics. Probability and statistics are my strong suits. I am trained to think in rational, logical terms. I'm sure it really does help to have a rational foundation but I reckon having faith in my recovery has been the key ingredient. I believed because it made sense to do so. I had an epiphany quite early in the process that self-fulfilling prophecy is a very real, very powerful phenomenon and that on this basis my attitude and mindset would be the most important factors. People, don't worry if it hasn't yet clicked for you. People emphasise attitude/mindset and I know this can be demoralising if you are already swamped in negativity. If it was easy to adopt a positive mindset at the flick of a switch, everybody would do it. So don't worry if you're not there yet. Surround yourself as best you can with positive influences, even if you struggle to relate. Eventually, things will sink in.

Thank you all for your comments.

 

If you wait long enough...you WILL be next!

Thanks so much for a great "pre success story"  and for the encouraging words.

 

It's so true. When I'm busy and involved in something the time does pass and I can do something else besides focusing on WD constantly. Even if I feel like crap, when involved in some project I have long stretches where I forget that I'm sick. For example I got busy and put in several hours the other day cleaning the entire house and I felt completely cured. Not a symptom in sight.

 

As far as the negative thinking goes, yes there is the negative or odd intrusive thoughts or that weird doom feeling that can come out of nowhere, but if I start counting everything that I should be grateful for vs for example getting all upset and ruminating about why my sister abandoned me during this I fare much better.

 

Although I don't have these symptoms that often now a days, they do still creep up a couple times a month. Reading your advice at this point in the game is exactly what i needed to hear.

 

Glad to hear you're doing so well.

Thank you for posting this Banana Man.  I needed a swift quick in the butt reminder about positivity tonight and not fanning those flames of negative thoughts that come with this process.  Perfect timing.  Hoping your success story comes sooner than later. 

Thats great BMan....

 

I too was known for being negative and a few others you mention. 25 months out now....feel very good.

 

Hang tough and keep us posted. I dont visit BB's that much anymore but I do feel like I need to pay back what I took from the people before me....

what a great story, banana! I'm also a long term user of benzos. Just hit my four month mark being completely off. Getting to know my non-drugged adult self for the first time. It's been quite the experience. Thank you for taking the time to share yours with us.

thank you for your post, I am on the last two months of a taper off diazepam, in fact i take the first cut tonight. It is so encouraging to hear from folks like yourself and to know that all is possible with time. best wishes to all on this journey.