I’m worried: Am I in Acute or is this PAWS?

Hello, sorry it’s a fairly long one, but I’m suffering pretty bad mentally and could do with some support :/ Trigger warning for those experiencing similar, don’t read this post, go to success stories!

I’ve been getting slam dunked by the devil this past couple weeks - I’m now trying to figure out if I’m suffering from PAWS or if I’m still possibly in the acute stage, I mean, I’m not looking for false hope but here’s a lot of conflicting info on how long w/d symptoms can take to start and how long acute withdrawal can last, particularly in threads I’ve been reading on here

I stopped C/T just over 5 weeks ago, though in my last week I was probably in some sort of tolerance w/d or was getting messed up from poly-drugging after I changed ‘brand’ (probably poly-drugged as in the last week I was taking god knows what, allegedly pill-pressed 10mg Diazepam, from the internet)

I actually stopped after I started to get the opposite effect from this new ‘brand’ and had my first panic attack after taking ‘5mg’ of whatever this shit was, it may just be that it was so weak my body freaked from not getting the desired hit, I’m not sure, my head was a shed by that point and I felt weird.

My casual use in the couple of months before that had been generally okay, I’ve gone off the deep end totally abusing this stuff while on Prozac in the past and recovered well, I didn’t feel my usage was out of control until that last week, anyhow...

My initial week or two withdrawal was strange and unlike previous withdrawals, in a way I seemed to feel okay, I felt depressed, groggy and quite anxious on occasions but was continuing to go to work, I suppose I carried on as normal for two weeks, I even had a couple of beers with a friend and told him I felt 80% back to normal FML...though lingering in the background I did have some physical symptoms I’ve never had in prior w/ds.

Then towards the end of the 3rd week things got very bad, I started to feel an intense pressure in my temple that lasted for days and comes back on and off, spiralling anxiety, had a significant panic attack while with a challenging client at work, the cog fog seemed to start around then and at that point I really began to realise I did not feel in any way my usual self, the worst feelings seem to be this constant fear of my loved ones passing away and how distressed I’d feel and that I’ll never be able to be normal and spend quality time with them, that I’ll lose my friends and that I’m close to losing control of my thoughts/mind. The dread/terror is the most horrifying thing I’ve ever felt, it’s like the emotion/distress you’re experiencing is similar to hearing somebody close to you has died on repeat 24/7.

I live alone and during covid have barely seen friends/family, I don’t really want to see my best friend, he’s supposed to come and see me tomorrow but I’m terrified my cog fog or anxiety will get too high and I’ll just come across like a vacant zombie who’s cracking up, I’m worried if I talk about how I’m feeling he’ll just be disturbed and I don’t want to put this on anyone.

I haven’t felt myself getting any better and the constant pangs of dread, the crippling anxiety and derealisation are terrifying, if anything they’ve continued at the same level, but a part of me feels that it’s concretely become all consuming in the past week, it’s absolutely all I can think about at nearly every minute of the day, I seem to get brief moments where I can distract myself but then it finds it’s way in...

So my question is, could I still be in the acute withdrawal phase? My main symptoms didn’t get really bad until around 3 weeks of C/T cessation, I’ve had very few physical symptoms, I have a manageable muscle spasm every now and again that I’ve kind of had for years, I’m having to watch what I eat as my digestion isn’t top notch, in the first 2-3 weeks I came off keto and ate like shit and it didn’t seem to effect me so was I even really in withdrawal yet?

I ask all this because in the past when I’ve suffered withdrawal it’s generally been from Xanax and it’s come on fast (and faded in 2-3 weeks), I’ve never really messed around with valium before (and never will again if I survive this, holy *smokes!!) (*Sorry Pamster )

I like that this place is a great support space, I feel so vulnerable and the fact people here are so supportive makes me want to cry and I’m a nearly 30 year old man who doesn’t usually get teary, one thing I’ve found awful is reading people have similar symptoms, say that the PAWs was significantly worse than the acute and that their symptoms haven’t abated in some cases for over two years?! I absolutely could not live like this for that long, these symptoms must surely settle a little over time, I’m 6/10 functioning right now, the fear that this could get worse and go on indefinitely is freaking me out and is one of the worst things I could hear right now.

Edit: Profanity

You're in Acute mate. Diazepam is long lasting, so takes a while for it to leave your system giving you a bit of a delayed HIT. I CT'd too and carried on working until about 4 weeks off, then all shit hit the fan!

All your symptoms are pretty standard, they will get better. Most say Acute lasts about 3 months sometimes less.

Hang in there, just a big comedown

Thank you for that, I like that description, the biggest comedown of all, jesus, I only hope I do comedown

It really did hit the fan in week 3, my minds feels like I was on a skateboard going down a really steep hill, everything was swell and down I went, but then things got too fast and the skateboard wobbled and shot out from under me while I tried and failed to keep my legs moving fast enough to stay upright...

Thankfully I only have two more shifts and then a week off which will maybe help (or hinder :/)

What you're going through is horrific but it will lessen as time goes by, and Having a mare is right, the Diazepam is finally leaving your system and you're feeling it.  The repeated starts and stops of benzo's in the past has caught up to you, please understand its not the Diazepam or the unknown drug you might have taken, if you do this again, it doesn't matter what benzo you take, your withdrawals will continue to get worse and worse.

I suffered as you are and came through and you can too, you just have to give you body the time it needs to repair the damage, our bodies can't do this overnight.  Try not to worry how long this will take, don't project into the future because that's not helpful, surviving today is all you need to concern yourself with. 

I would suggest you make an excuse to your friend about the visit, it will be difficult to fake it and you're going to worry about it right up until he shows up and that will only serve to ramp up your symptoms.  I couldn't be around people when I was where you are.

Have you read this?  Four Phases of Withdrawal-Where Are You?

That's weird that I should be in phase 4, but the only symptom is acute insomnia. I feel 100% normal if I get enough sleep. Feel completely zombified with 2-3 days of no sleep. It's only an "annoyance" because meds are helping, otherwise I'd be SOL.

Have you read this?  Four Phases of Withdrawal-Where Are You?

Thank you Pamster, I saw you’d posted this elsewhere and gave it a read only a couple of hours before you posted it, your account is really helpful in general I was combing through the other night

I guess you’re right about my friend, but I feel if I can manage on autopilot at work I hope I’m still able to spend a couple of hours conversing without collapsing and curling up into a ball, I also have an overwhelming worry that I’m going to lose my friends and be completely without support, this friend is actually the only person on earth who knows about my current benzo misuse, though doesn’t know how bad things have gotten with w/d, not sure I’d want to burden him.

I have been going to work consistently still, I feel a little guilty though, I work with people with learning disabilities, which is manageable to some degree as they’re often non-judgmental, but it’s not very fair on them as I’m much quieter, more irritable and more withdrawn. I really struggle to feign interest and keep up my usual more positive personality with all of this going on in my head, however I’ve been scraping by despite having to have truly bizarre conversations (part of the job!) which doesn’t gel well with my already addled mind...

I'm impressed you've been able to work and its around people, that was the hardest part for me, faking normal around my co-workers.  I appeared perfectly normal on the outside but on the inside I was screaming.  I think the work you do around people with challenges is the perfect job for you right now because as you say, they might not be as observant and likely to let things go even if they do notice a difference in you.  Next week will be good for you, you'll see if you're better off working and distracted from your symptoms or home and alone with them.  I know what worked for me and it was work.

Since your friend is aware of some of your situation his visit might be good for you, certainly you can't tell him everything because its too difficult to get across to someone what we feel.  But spending some time with someone you feel comfortable with help you feel a little more human, I know during the pandemic I've missed social interaction.

Hi,

I can attest also thst you seem to be in acute wd.

This is what benzos does to you and it is a non linear healing track.  Also, just cause you came off them ok priordoes not mean it is always gonna be like that.

Time is the key for healing.

Hingie

Just a bit of an update, I had approx. 1 week after my last post where everything was manageable, I still felt really weird and unpleasant, but I could exercise and see friends.

Two days ago I was hit with severe, severe depression, the likes of which I’ve never come close to experiencing, then I got an eye ache that feels like really bad eye strain - then, I attempted to go to work, I felt super nauseous and hot, had to sit down, got a dry mouth, I put it down to a panic attack as I’d smoked two cigarettes within an hour of waking up, it settled but I felt a really strong need to lay down all the time and close my eyes, but I could tell I was unable to sleep if I did.

Then I attempted a 30 minute drive while at work, during the drive I came over really weird, I suddenly felt like I was in a dream and completely lost focus, I panicked and pulled the car over and put the hazard lights on, I was really disturbed by this, after pulling the car over I rang my boss to get cover and was terrified at the prospect of driving back, what if that were to happen again? It hasn’t happened to me before during withdrawal and I stopped Feb 21st, this feels like a new beast, it’s like I had a slight window and now I’m back in a wave that’s WORSE than anything that came before. Now my eyes are hurting, I have really bad brain fog and derealisation, now I’d do anything to get out of this, I’m terrified beyond belief.

I don’t know what to do, I just got home and I can’t really relax, I definitely can’t sleep it off, thoughts racing in my head, should I book myself in to a local psych ward? Did I have a seizure? Should I go to the emergency room? Is this getting worse? Arghh!!

I don’t think I can do work like this, but I can’t afford not to work, I live alone and have nowhere to go if I have to go on long term sick leave. I can’t see any good way out of this...

Hello Kojack,

I am so sorry to hear about the frightening experience you had while driving : (  You asked whether you should check yourself into a psych ward....I can't imagine that would be of any help for you : ( !!!  Did this feel like extreme derealization?  If so, that is a part of benzo w/d unfortunately and yes it is very frightening at times.  As far as seizures, I have had what are called "focal" seizures in the past and they start with a feeling of deja vu and you feel overwhelmed and frightened during the whole experience.  It only last a few seconds but afterwards you are left feeling frightened, exhausted and there is extreme derealization.  If these continue you could go to a Dr. to have them checked out.  I hope that you will start to feel a bit better soon Kojack.  Hang in there, I know it is very very hard to continue to keep moving forward during all this madness but don't believe the LIES and keep up the good fight.  Bless you

Remember that our symptoms wax and wane so experiencing new or renewed symptom intensity is completely normal.  Read the symptom list from chapter 3 of  The Ashton Manual, that's what I did and it helped me to know that what I was feeling was normal, it took some of the fear away.

You can do this by getting through one minute at a time, the only way out is through and you're making your way through so keep going.  Try not to think about worse case scenarios, the benzo is trying to make you think it's hopeless but it's not.  Tomorrow you'll get out of bed and go to work and somehow you'll make it through the day and you'll keep doing that every day because you have to.  I worked full time too and it was hard but it was better than sitting home thinking about my symptoms 24 hours a day, you're lucky you have a job to go to so keep going because I know you can.

Chances are very very slim that you had a seizure!

Everything you are describing is unfortunately for "normal" in benzo WD world. It SUUUCKS, I know.

Please know that the only thing a psych hospital can offer you is more drugs really.

You are doing well to still be somewhat functioning! And working!

You should be careful driving though. Can you uber to work for a bit maybe? Or to the store and such? That's what I would do if I was able to

I know this is super scary and the fear and terror that we experience is like 1000 times more than any normal fear. But there are many of us here who have made it through!!

I was one of those horrific ones that  was completely non-functioning and in a wheelchair for months .....I am doing great now! Both physically and mentally

Just keep moving forward! It does get better

Hello Kojack,

 

I am so sorry to hear about the frightening experience you had while driving : (  You asked whether you should check yourself into a psych ward....I can't imagine that would be of any help for you : ( !!!  Did this feel like extreme derealization?  If so, that is a part of benzo w/d unfortunately and yes it is very frightening at times.  As far as seizures, I have had what are called "focal" seizures in the past and they start with a feeling of deja vu and you feel overwhelmed and frightened during the whole experience.  It only last a few seconds but afterwards you are left feeling frightened, exhausted and there is extreme derealization.  If these continue you could go to a Dr. to have them checked out.  I hope that you will start to feel a bit better soon Kojack.  Hang in there, I know it is very very hard to continue to keep moving forward during all this madness but don't believe the LIES and keep up the good fight.  Bless you

Thank you for this, I read this at the time you posted but felt too messed up to reply, though it did comfort me, I had read about focal seizures and I feel it was something like that, although it didn’t start with de ja vu, it was as if I was in a daydream and then suddenly was so far removed from reality I couldn’t focus or understand how I came to suddenly feel that way, it wasn’t like I’d worked myself up to that point with anxious thoughts, at least I don’t think I did, but the intense anxiety blasted me and I was instantly in a state of heightened panic.

I’d put myself into an intense wave from driving a long distance and was having trouble with pretty bad eye strain, I feel driving again triggered this focal seizure like thing, I was freaking out but yes the extreme derealisation swamped me and is still lingering today, I was far from home and was terrified I’d be unable to get home, I paced around for a while before attempting to drive.

Thank you for the words of encouragement, I’m sort of beginning to stand up to the way I feel and accepting I’m in this for the long run, I think I am anyway, that’s what I want to do!

Chances are very very slim that you had a seizure!

Everything you are describing is unfortunately for "normal" in benzo WD world. It SUUUCKS, I know.

Please know that the only thing a psych hospital can offer you is more drugs really.

You are doing well to still be somewhat functioning! And working!

You should be careful driving though. Can you uber to work for a bit maybe? Or to the store and such? That's what I would do if I was able to

 

I know this is super scary and the fear and terror that we experience is like 1000 times more than any normal fear. But there are many of us here who have made it through!!

I was one of those horrific ones that  was completely non-functioning and in a wheelchair for months .....I am doing great now! Both physically and mentally

Just keep moving forward! It does get better

Thank you for this and I’m so glad to hear you’re doing well now after being through that! I believe that’s what has kept me away from a psych ward, the knowledge that aside from some comforting words and the feeling that I’m being monitored, nothing would really change. Perhaps I didn’t have a focal seizure and it was just a zap of extreme derealisation triggered by eye strain driving long distances. Whatever it was it was horrific, though I’m still driving about, I have to to survive, I want to curl up in a ball in a dark room for a few months but I don’t have any savings to take long term sick leave.

What annoys me the most is this non-linear nature, this wave is considerably more ‘derealisation’ than the last wave, eurgh, the last wave was more terror, grief and anxiety, this one has been severe depression, anxiety and extreme derealisation, not sure which I prefer!

Remember that our symptoms wax and wane so experiencing new or renewed symptom intensity is completely normal.  Read the symptom list from chapter 3 of  The Ashton Manual, that's what I did and it helped me to know that what I was feeling was normal, it took some of the fear away.

 

You can do this by getting through one minute at a time, the only way out is through and you're making your way through so keep going.  Try not to think about worse case scenarios, the benzo is trying to make you think it's hopeless but it's not.  Tomorrow you'll get out of bed and go to work and somehow you'll make it through the day and you'll keep doing that every day because you have to.  I worked full time too and it was hard but it was better than sitting home thinking about my symptoms 24 hours a day, you're lucky you have a job to go to so keep going because I know you can.

You’re right Pamster, the distraction aspect of work does help a little, I do get overwhelmed a few times during the working day though and need to take many more breaks to put my head in my hands and writhe around for a bit, another thing is like you say, the fact I’m working means I’m in a better position than some at this stage, as in being able to make it in, though having to go home early and take a sick day was a first for me and I don’t feel as confident about working as I did a couple weeks back, I feel more ‘derealised’ like I’m about to entirely vanish into the alternate reality...

Thank you for the reply and the link Pamster, it’s comforting to read : )

I used to have to hide in a bathroom stall when things got too much for me at work, I think being around people was the hardest thing, well that and having to give a presentation on time, that was the worst.  My voice shook, I was sweating and stumbling all over my words, ugh.  I hope you can keep working, even though it's really difficult it's good for your self esteem, we need a sense of accomplishment to give us confidence and face it, our confidence is at an all time low when going through this.

I like the fact that you're accepting this, its important to quit looking for a way out or a short cut because there isn't one.