Jump to content

Bad vibes, intrusive thoughts, an inability to stop evaluating my mental state.


[ko...]

Recommended Posts

Week three of my C/T withdrawal and *BOOM* I was hit with panic attacks at work, a pressure in my temple and I realised that this wasn’t going to be like my previous benzo withdrawals, eurgh, I’m into week 5 now, and while I see small improvements and a little less general panic, I still feel **WEIRD** af, every waking moment that I’m not distracted by the internet, video games, TV and work (though work has shown me I currently have some stress intolerance) I am constantly thinking about how I feel, my inner dialogue is like;

> “Am I better yet? Yes I must feel a little more normal than before, yeah okay I think I’m out of the worst of it, wait, I can’t be out of it because I’m still constantly asking myself if I’m okay, my mind is still racing and my eyelid is twitching! Oh shit I think I’m losing it!!!”

 

Not many things feel worse than anxiety, true panic, terror and dread that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, I experienced this before the benzos following a concussion for a couple months and I felt then like I was losing my mind, but couple that with racing thoughts, **INTRUSIVE** thoughts and it really feels like I’ve done some permanent damage, which adds to the racing thoughts and bad vibes, it’s such a vicious cycle...

 

My only solace is that I can sleep now, although I’m still having vivid/intense dreams, I’m not quite as pent up with anxiety, but the constant analysis of all the negative things I’ve done in my life is happening, these negative memories are constantly swinging by to say hello, I have a dark, scary feeling of dread and worry that I’m an awful person and a failure at life, which are thoughts I have if I’m feeling low generally, but pre-benzos I could always be a little more content with who I am and not feel uneasy in my stomach at the thought of myself.

 

I do feel like baby steps are being made, I’m so mad though, I’ve been through the ringer with C/T w/d before in 2017 and 2019, 2017 I felt low/weird for a month or so, 2019 I was on a medium dose of Prozac already which I believe carried me through, although I stopped eating for 5 days, then ate then another 5 days, either way, with both of those experiences I’d been abusing the king of withdrawal, Xanax, I did not expect to feel THIS bad from little old diazepam (though who knows what some of it was, towards the end I’d bought some from the internet), it’s like all of a sudden this prolonged recovery and frightening experience has been thrust upon me, no, I did not have this on my schedule right about now, go away, this was not supposed to happen, I just want to get back to normal ASAP.

 

Anyhow, I feel a lot less terrified than I did a week or two ago, so for anyone else feeling similar to me, hold tight, having been through the ringer with concussion and C/T withdrawal before, you do heal, though I’ve probably pranged my body enough now that my recovery may be a little tougher this time around.

 

This is truly on another level to any withdrawal I’ve experienced before and it’s been a little overwhelming, I’ve really found some comfort in reading the posts on this forum and I just want to thank anybody who takes the time to respond or give comfort to others, when you’ve kept your self-medication a secret, suffering through w/d is a very lonely experience and this forum has shown me that I’m not completely alone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sounds like you're doing ok considering your history. I've been hit hard this time around, still not in a good way approaching a year. Hope you bounce back soon
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Approaching a year, that’s unsettling, I hope you’ve experienced some improvements in that time - I had a lingering chest spasm/twitch and Anhedonia that stuck around for over a year post-C/T from Xanax and Valium in March 2019, but I felt planted on earth at least, how I’d managed to convince myself that a couple of months of Valium abuse would be fine compared to Xanax withdrawal I don’t know - I really don’t think I’d have gone down the benzos road again if I’d have known about kindling.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I didn't know what I was doing either. Only find these things out when it's too late. I am seeing improvement, but I'm so over this already 😂
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm glad to see you didn't reinstate but it sounds like your previous benzo experience has caught you to you.  I've seen so many members get hit with rough withdrawals that catches them by surprise because they've been able to get off fairly easy in the past.

 

Good on you for still being able to work, I worked all but the first 3 weeks of my cold turkey so you're doing better than I did. I'm amazed you can sleep, that's huge. 

 

I kept my Klonopin usage a secret too but ended up melting down and had to come clean to my family and friends.  I'm a recovering alcoholic so I had not business taking benzo's, never again though, this stuff hurts too much.

 

Keep checking in, I'll be following your progress.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks Pamster, I’ve certainly thought about reinstating a few times, I don’t feel addicted, just a strong desire to rid myself of these symptoms, but I feel I’d be doing myself more harm than good.

 

I was an idiot and falsely believed I was doing okay in week 1 and had 4 beers one night, did the same in week 2, I can’t see myself drinking for months right now!

 

Yes, I’m disturbed how out of control I feel of this withdrawal when in the past I had some semblance of things feel like they’re improving, I really shouldn’t have kept working, I fear that I’ve triggered something by working so much - I have a week off scheduled next week but the nature of my work is mentally very stressful, I had planned to taper towards my week off but that went out of the window when my supply stopped.

 

Getting really fed up with this sickening butterflies in the tummy feeling and constant anxiety.

 

How did your family react? I don’t think my family would be very supportive, despite many of them working in the medical field and I feel I don’t want to look like I’m cracking up to my friends.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Addicted is a tough description to use when talking about benzo's, its not a craving to get high, its a desire to stop the pain.  I didn't know benzo's needed to be tapered but my addictive nature wouldn't have allowed me to taper, it's an all or nothing scenario for me.  I greatly admire people who can taper, who can invite the pain of reducing their dose just when they start to feel stable again, I'm in  awe. 

 

My family and friends were disappointed in me and it took a long time to rebuild the trust I'd gained after 16 years of sobriety but it's worth the work, I'm very happy now.

 

In my opinion stress is the biggest contributor to increased symptoms, second is alcohol.  There are some who can have a glass of wine or a beer but most react with a worsening of symptoms that can go on for days, weeks or months so I'm glad you've come to the conclusion that its not helping you.

 

It sounds like your work is stressful but please don't consider taking anymore leave than what you have scheduled without a great deal of thought.  Work can be a great distraction from our symptoms, it forces us to keep some semblance of normalcy and this is critical to getting through this.  I got to the point where I disliked weekends without the distraction work provided.  Its incredibly difficult to work but it can be so helpful.

 

Remember our healing isn't linear so we never know from one minute to the next how we're going to feel so try to roll with it and accept it as your brain heals.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

×
×
  • Create New...