1 year free & my birthday

Never thought I’d make it this far. Last year on my birthday, I jumped. If you knew my story you would understand. I’ve been through so much hell coming off this medication and the 10 years in tolerance. No words I can type on this phone can describe it to anyone and everyone here has their own hell.

I did not expect to still be sick and damaged still at 1 year off after a slow taper. People made fun of me for how slow I went. And here I am. Still broken. But proud. Proud I’ve made it this far. Scared. Scared I’m permanently damaged. People say a lot on here don’t compare yourself to others timeline. That’s just not possible. Maybe others are good at that. Not me. Seeing people healed way sooner than where I’m at is so defeating. I desperately want my life back.

In 2013 I sold my business. Sold my home. Lost everything I ever had and worked my entire life for. Moved back home with my parents and started this journey. It’s now 2021 and here I am still laying in a spare room bed typing this. Waiting. Waiting for my miracle. Things have improved. They really have. But it’s so hard to see in the big picture Bc I’m still sick. But I know I am better. So much better.

I have major histamine intolerance and mast cell activation.

Fatigue, tinnitus, fog, and head pressure are my main symptoms.

My sleep has healed. Which I am so greatly appreciative of. My nights used to be from hell. Now I sleep easily and normally. I dream again. The chemical fear is gone. Cortisol rushes are gone. Benzo flu isn’t as bad. Pain isn’t as bad. I’m still very intolerant to chemicals, stress, the sun, exercise, food, etc.

The fatigue is by far the worst symptom. It’s not as bad as it once was but I don’t ever feel energetic. Very hard to describe. I feel like I always have a low low grade of a virus. I know I’m dealing with inflammation from histamine.

Anyways, today’s not a day for that. Today is a day to be proud. And give hope to others. I don’t post much anymore so I wanted to come back to tell you guys where I’m at.

Yes, I’m struggling. I wish this post could be more positive today. But the truth is I’m sad. It’s been a long long journey. I want to live. My soul is tired. Nobody should suffer this long. This isn’t humane. The longer this goes on the harder it has become to cope. I don’t have much more in me. I want to eat real food again. Feel emotions. Feel the sun. Be able to run and exercise. Live. Breathe. Not feel like I’m having an allergy to everything. Feel love. Give love. Be creative. Have a career again. Have a purpose. Be a father. A husband. Truth is a lot has been taken from me and many prime years of my life are gone. That’s not ok. It’ll never be ok. I just fake it til I make it. Half my life stolen from me and spent suffering. I don’t know why this was what was meant for me. But I won’t question God. I just want to heal so one day I can come back and help others because that’s what’s missing in these groups. Hope. I know I probably won’t want to do that. I’ll want to get my life back. But I promise if one day this truly does end, I’ll be back here to share the news and help others. God bless.

I wish it was a happier birthday for you, but hopefully the coming year will be a better one.  I'm glad you're sleeping better.  That's a biggie.  Hopefully, the histamine sensitivity resolves soon. 

 

I didn't actually know much about the causes of histamine sensitivity, but found a good review article here: 

 

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7463562/

Thanks for sharing, happy birthday.

For me running gets rid of lots of symptoms, but hard as it's 37C here at 5pm, but I force myself to run 5km.

Happy Birthday.  I will first simply wish you that greeting as it does mean something.  And given what you have accomplished and been through this far, it’s that much more significant because it means you are fighting for this life.  That most definitely deserves a milestone.  I am sorry so much has been taken from you, and I do indeed wish for you a most full and complete healing. 

 

Thank you for sharing your story. 

Happy birthday and congratulations on making it this far. You can do this!

Congrats and Happy Birthday!

 

I too suffer from histamine/mast cell issues!

I hate that I can't eat anything like I used to!

Like you said, be proud that you are off and that you have sleep restored, that is huge in helping histamine issues go away!

 

Winnie

CMZ,

 

We talked a lot and I remember how bad you suffered in the early days.  But even though it is hard for you to see it, you have made progress, and most importantly you aren’t taking benzos, and so healing can happen.

 

The fact that you can take a honest inventory of your past shows that your brain is working, that you are thinking clearly.  But don’t dwell on the past too much, there is nothing you can do to change that.  Focus instead on the future.  And I’m glad to hear you are proud...because you should be proud of your progress.  Despite all the issues you encountered, you didn’t give up, you remained strong.  Yes, you got knocked down, but you kept getting back up.

 

Now that you are benzo free have you talked to a doctor about your issues?  Maybe there are other issues that need to be addressed. 

 

But congratulations on making it one year and happy belated birthday.  I hope you did something fun to celebrate.

Oh gosh. We messaged way back when you were tapering. I'm not even sure I was totally off Xanax then.

 

Way to go on being free for a year! That takes a lot of personal strength.

 

I feel sure things will continue to get better for you. I can see a lot of difference from your posts/messages previously to this more detailed one here. It happens so slowly that you likely do not see all the progress yourself.

Sending belated Happy Birthday wishes and praying that your benzo journey will come to an end soon!  I see you are continuing to have head pain issues, and I can totally sympathize and empathize with you, as this is my worst and longest lasting symptom.  We will prevail as so many others have.  I have to keep repeating to myself the word, TIME, TIME, TIME!!!!!