Hope.

I just wanted to check in and tell my story so that it can hopefully bring some people hope. I am not in any way implying what anyone else should do. Or maybe I am. Don't CT by yourself.

I went off, as my history by my signature shows, clonazepam not knowing I was dependent. I went off of it January 1, 2021. I felt really depressed, but chalked it up to quitting alcohol at the same time, to life changes, etc. On Jan. 23 I had a major panic attack. Still didn't put 2 and 2 together. A week later, in Mexico, I had a major panic attack that lasted 3 days, until I started doing some research and realized what was happening to me. I was sad, embarrassed, angry. I am a mental health professional...I should have known. How could I have been so stupid? How could my prescribers not have told me that 10 years on .5 for sleep of clonazepam can/will make you dependent? How could I have been so lax and not done more research?

So in Mexico, I started back on 1/2 a dose of C/K. It helped, but I was still anxious and depressed. And I started back on Prozac & Buspar (which I'd been on for years but went off the year before). When I got back to the states, I wanted off. So I started tapering myself....WAY TOO RAPIDLY and without my doc's nod. So I did a week on .125 and then off. 9 days off I was almost hospitalized with depression, anxiety, shakes, insomnia, derealization/depersonalization, suicidal ideation, chills, tinitus, lethargy, lack of motivation, stomach issues- the gamut. That was a Friday night. By Tuesday, when I went to see my new PCP, I got my ass chewed out. She was amazed I'd made it so long but said "We need you functional." I was done self-withdrawing. I left her office with instructions to take a loading dose of .25 2x that day, and then .25 every evening, with one Benadryl. I got my first good night sleep in two months that night. And I followed her orders. Two weeks later from that night that I didn't think I wanted to live, I am 90%. I am not saying this will be everyone's journey...it is just mine.

I turned her on to the Ashton Manual- knowledge I gained from a Facebook group and this group. Without these groups I'd have been lost. We discussed staying at .25 until the end of this month and then going down 10% every 3-4 weeks. I am afraid, but I am more afraid of ending up where I was February 26th. I don't want to be on this anymore, but I need to be functional, and alive.

Today I feel hope and I just wanted to convey the dangers of going this road alone. And that there is hope and joy for most of us if we do not choose to go this alone, or too quickly. It took us time to get hooked so it stands that it will take us time to get off. Be patient with yourself. I know not all MD"s are as cooperative or understanding, but search for one who understands what you are going through and helps you in the process.

There is hope.

V