Anyone have paranoia around +/- 19 months?

Oh my gosh BBs,

 

What is with the paranoia...it’s bizarre because I know it is not real but the thoughts are SO disturbing..

 

I was researching about cryptocurrency because it’s all the rave.  I wish I could know less, huge trigger!

 

This is just for the birds this whole benzo and antidepressant damage “thing.” I am an absolute nervous wreck.  Weird mental stuff and I am at the point where I feel like I seriously cannot take this anymore.  I’m struggling to recharge so I can continue another day. 

 

BBs, how do you get the strength to continue changing these crazy thoughts, I am exhausted.

I think of petting puppies, making love with my fiancé, me walking through wild flowers...sometimes it’s just not enough, then I listen to music if I can, watch Neighbor Bob...then sometimes like now I get on here and reach out to my fellow warriors.  But doing all of this does not make any of this mess any easier...I just need a long period of respite.

 

Please merciful God heal us all 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

 

Love

Fiercey

 

 

Fiercey,

 

I'm at 21 months. Hopefully this will help you.

 

In acute my CNS was so sensitive I could not be around anyone except my husband. It feels like fear, but it's a ramped up CNS too weak to tolerate lights, noise and the strong energies that people put off.

 

Also, my brain just looks LOOKS for symptoms and danger constantly. It feels like paranoia. For an example when we would go to a park my brain automatically assumes the worst that children are going to fall off of the monkey bars and get hurt or fall off of a swing etc. I couldn't just sit there and enjoy happy children playing. My odd paranoia could ruin hours of my day.

 

These odd paranoia thoughts and fear took up most of my day early on. It decreased slowly as time went on.

 

Now at 21 months it is less intense and happens less frequently. I've been tracking my symptoms daily for 2 months now. I'm symptom free 75% of the month now. On my good days i feel completely healed with just my faint tinnitus. But, of course when I have a bad day, it's still a challenge to get through and I feel like it will never end. That's our "withdrawal brains" fooling us. This is not who we really are. It will lessen and go away as we heal.

 

If it's within my control, it's better that I just stay home in a calm environment during bad days. Sometimes it is just a few bad hours. It's better during these times that I sit in quite and read or look at nature out the window. Vent to my husband and cry. Do some serious self soothing care. Hot bath. Happy movie (sometimes screening is too much for me during bad hours/days though). Maybe a short walk or just breath in fresh air.

 

I look back to where I was months ago in increments of 6 months and I can see how these symptoms have lessened to a great degree. They will go away in time. This time last year I was just starting to be able to be around people. Now I enjoy the company of others and I have no issues. I may get tired some, but so what? Then I just excuse myself.

 

You'll get there.

We'll get there.

 

- Fortitude

Thank you so much for that response.  It was very calming and reassuring. I like the idea of tracking the symptoms. 

 

Do you mind if I ask how you are doing it?  Digitally?  Paper?  Spreadsheet? Calendar?

 

I think doing that might help me visualize progress.

 

❤️🙏❤️

Thank you so much for that response.  It was very calming and reassuring. I like the idea of tracking the symptoms. 

 

Do you mind if I ask how you are doing it?  Digitally?  Paper?  Spreadsheet? Calendar?

 

I think doing that might help me visualize progress.

 

❤️🙏❤️

 

I'm tracking it on my calendar in my smart phone. I try to keep it to a two or 3 word minimum description per day so I can look at it at a glance.

 

Here are some examples:

 

-HEALED FEELING

-GOOD DAY

-HEADACHE

-FATIGUE

 

This way I can look at an entire month or several months and see how I'm doing over all.

 

If I need to elaborate like what I did that day to relieve a sypmtom that helped I'll make a short note of that.

 

Sending you wishes of healing.

 

-Fortitude

Fiercey,

 

I'm at 21 months. Hopefully this will help you.

 

In acute my CNS was so sensitive I could not be around anyone except my husband. It feels like fear, but it's a ramped up CNS too weak to tolerate lights, noise and the strong energies that people put off.

 

Also, my brain just looks LOOKS for symptoms and danger constantly. It feels like paranoia. For an example when we would go to a park my brain automatically assumes the worst that children are going to fall off of the monkey bars and get hurt or fall off of a swing etc. I couldn't just sit there and enjoy happy children playing. My odd paranoia could ruin hours of my day.

 

These odd paranoia thoughts and fear took up most of my day early on. It decreased slowly as time went on.

 

Now at 21 months it is less intense and happens less frequently. I've been tracking my symptoms daily for 2 months now. I'm symptom free 75% of the month now. On my good days i feel completely healed with just my faint tinnitus. But, of course when I have a bad day, it's still a challenge to get through and I feel like it will never end. That's our "withdrawal brains" fooling us. This is not who we really are. It will lessen and go away as we heal.

 

If it's within my control, it's better that I just stay home in a calm environment during bad days. Sometimes it is just a few bad hours. It's better during these times that I sit in quite and read or look at nature out the window. Vent to my husband and cry. Do some serious self soothing care. Hot bath. Happy movie (sometimes screening is too much for me during bad hours/days though). Maybe a short walk or just breath in fresh air.

 

I look back to where I was months ago in increments of 6 months and I can see how these symptoms have lessened to a great degree. They will go away in time. This time last year I was just starting to be able to be around people. Now I enjoy the company of others and I have no issues. I may get tired some, but so what? Then I just excuse myself.

 

You'll get there.

We'll get there.

 

- Fortitude

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your symptoms sound like mine your brain trying to find danger with everything. Never had a window, but have noticed a slight shift, the underlying mental symptoms always there, but some days cope better than others. Can have few OK ish days then get hit by an awful wave for no reason then plateaus out again. Seem very subtle change, the constant fear 24/7 not there everyday now, is that how you felt when things started  improving. How long did it take for you actually feel you were recovering? There is always  hope Fiercy we'll both get there sooner or later xx

Yes, I had longer hours in the days of feeling healed. Then a day or two in a row. ....then more....

 

My husband just told me this evening that even 4 months ago in October on what I considered "good days" back then were definitely not as good as the "good days" I'm having now. He says I'm smiling more and laughing more now, and he sees "my old self" more now.

 

When I look back my big healing points are 3 months, then again at 9 months, then at a year, then now again at 21 months.

 

But, everyone is different. You could heal next week.

 

Please just be so good to yourself.

I noticed a large improvement around 14 months.  For me, before that it was mostly hell.  I spent a lot of time on the couch and in bed.  Even some days on the floor next to my bed crying because I was so miserable.

 

I’m grateful to have improvement but gosh I really just need a break.

 

❤️

Things got a lot worse after taking anti depressAnts really screwed me up, been about 15 months of hell slowly getting worse after taking them. I'm nowhere near normal, can't drive or go out without my husband, but the awful depression and feelings of despair is gradually easing. Lockdown been a real killer for me as being unable see friends or family did help as a distraction. Miss Fortitude did anything help with the thoughts, I've yet to find anything, seems time is the only healer. Like Fiercy says we just need a break and and that elusive window!!

Things got a lot worse after taking anti depressAnts really screwed me up, been about 15 months of hell slowly getting worse after taking them. I'm nowhere near normal, can't drive or go out without my husband, but the awful depression and feelings of despair is gradually easing. Lockdown been a real killer for me as being unable see friends or family did help as a distraction. Miss Fortitude did anything help with the thoughts, I've yet to find anything, seems time is the only healer. Like Fiercy says we just need a break and and that elusive window!!

 

Leann,

 

I still don't drive. I actually was driving some before I got the flu vaccine in October 2020. I don't really mention that anymore in my posts because most people can take a flu vaccine without issues. I don't want to scare people. But, the flu vaccine was a 4 month set back for me. I've tried to drive 2x since then. One day my brain was too fatigued by it, on another try I pushed it too much and drove for about an hour and had a couple heart palpitations which was no real big deal, but I'm choosing to wait longer to drive. It doesn't bother me too much that I don't have that freedom yet because I feel so very very good on my healed days that I'm okay with waiting longer for more healing to feel confident enough and comfortable enough to drive again.

 

Anyway,  let's just look at what helped me with the "thoughts".

Really it is time and they do go away. They are lessening for me. The thoughts of despair and fear are lessening. I have days where I have none of these thoughts. It took healing time from my last benzo. And, it's taking healing time again since the flu shot.

 

Time is the ultimate healer, but for me as of late I've decided to listen to my body more. I used to many times push through the symptom. For example, if I was to get all ready and my husband and I leave the house, and I'm feeling good then only to have some fatigue come on suddenly I usually push through until the fatigue goes away. This could take an hour or 2. I've decided not to do that anymore. Now, If I can help it, I will just turn around and go home to rest. I don't "push through" anymore. The symptom will go away if I rest usually now. I can then continue with my day and just take it easy a bit.

 

I'm applying this to other things too. I've noticed lately that if I watch TV I still get a bit dizzy. I would always just push through because I wanted to watch TV. Well, it's just not worth it. My body is not ready for all that stimulus yet. I can watch stuff on my smart phone, or read or just look outside at nature. It's less stimuli for my CNS. Televisions are large and they are so sophisticated now a days with HD etc. It's just too much for me right now.

 

All of this is OK. I can avoid over stimulating activities until my brain and CNS has more time to heal. And it DOES HEAL. Early on into month 5 or so for me it was difficult for me to even be a passenger in a car. That issue has been gone for months. Now I enjoy and look forward to country rides almost daily.

 

It's still frustrating sometimes that I can't just jump in the car and drive and do whatever I wish. It'll happen though in time. I've had many symptoms go away in time. And, during the hours or days that I have symptoms, it's just better to rest, and for me give myself a break, and get back to it another day.

 

 

Just posted actually about this. Just feel I'm not moving forward if that makes sense. But am grateful the depression is easing. The thoughts relate to harming people hence not being able to drive. Not being able see people or do anything outside of home large part last year and all of this year has greatly impacted on my recovery. As seeing family & friends briefly made me feel normal. It's the feeling of almost being in limbo so hard. Feel like my brain is searching for danger more as some of the other symptoms have eased. I agree with not pushing through things, when I get bad wave I just stay put, maybe have a cry, just accept going be a bad day. Just long for just few hours when I feel healed.