Its been a year my friends....

Wow. This time last year I had already been in tolerance a year, my psyche doc would not support a slow taper, and the med had already become paradoxical with each dose. A rapid taper off of my ativan followed. So a year ago this weekend I was in acute hell. Knowing this process could take months or more I did not know how on earth I would ever survive it.

 

Yet I did, Day by day. sometimes moment by moment. Literally white knuckling through the day, and at times either being for God to take me or other times help me to live another day. I was blessed to find so many supportive people here, with fellow members and on the team. then later being asked to help moderate helped me in the healing journey. Helping others reframe their feelings and thoughts actually helped me to keep in a more positive mindset and keep going. It also helped me utilize my professional skills (which has helped me in my return to work just over a month ago).

 

thats the beauty on this forum...when we help others we also help ourselves. and when we are helped we get opportunities to pay it forward.

 

I made a list for myself and my doctor (who has actually validated this experience, and was not the one who prescribed the psyche meds..), and I've literally had over 100 symptoms..literally. But this is nothing new on here!

 

Ok  - where I am at now. I have a mild cortisol surge in the morning still, and dreams are vivid. Once a month they are disturbing. I can live with this compared to what it was! Symptoms are milder now, many are gone, some revisit but only briefly. I get a wicked wave every so often but it passes.

I'm still sensitive to hormone shifts and symptoms ramp up during this time - but I used to feel absolutely psychotic during this week 

 

I was able to go back to work just over a month ago, but at a new workplace. Its part time right now which is perfect. I'm working as a hospital counselor to patients and staff. So just so you know stress can cause waves too, - like an intense day at work.

 

Awhile ago I decided to choose to focus on healing rather than what the stupid meds stole from me - forward progression. I am now able to take some vitamins and supplements, but smaller doses. I do light weights 2-3 times a week. I've always tried to be as active as possible - but sometimes the symptoms just don't let you. Like if you have a day of boatiness, or discoordination, or tight muscles/ligaments. This has become remarkably better.

 

I've started to do mental activities that require analytical decisions (like complex card games), or things that require memorization. Memory recall is still healing for me. I do ok so that no-one else would notice, but I am not yet as quick as I once was. Sometimes I have these delays in retrieving information.

But it is getting better.

 

I feel love and laughter again. I can get excited about something again and been able to be creative.

 

I'm looking forward to where I will be in say 6 months to a year from now. Hopefully write that success story.

 

Thank you to everyone for supporting me and mentoring me. Thanks you for the laughs I've had on here that help us all stay sane. I've made some close friends on here - the silver lining in all of this.

 

If you're at the beginning of your journey - you have not lost your damn mind, it does get better. Any symptoms are possible, and it will be the hardest thing you ever do. But you'll be amazed at how strong you are and how deep you can reach to survive this. Healing can happen. Time. It takes time. Do not give up. All you have to do is survive. Live.

 

Hugs

 

 

 

So very happy for you my friend!!

 

I'm proud of what you have accomplished and how you are so compassionate to everyone here!!

 

I know that more healing will be coming to you in 2021!!!

 

Great job, you are an inspiration!

 

Hugs,

Winnie

Trina, I am beyond thrilled and happy for you.  From the moment I joined BBs, you have supported me through some very rough times with compassion, positivity, and much needed empathy, all while suffering through your own benzo nightmare.  I will continue to pray for you for continued healing.  From the tv show “Friends”......thank you for being my friend

Trina - So happy for you. I am just a week a head of you and kind a feel the same way. You always been so supportive on this forum and always see you responding people's concerns. You are great person and deserves the best. Hopefully 2021 will bring be our success story year :thumbsup:

Sweet Trina x I am so happy for you to reach this milestone ! U deserve so much health and happiness after a brave fight back to life x

 

I hope the healing quickens so we can read that recovery story very soon. Thanku so much for supporting us all thru our tough times x it won’t be forgotten x

 

Now all the soppy stuff has been said.... it’s time to celebrate!!!! Maybe with a coffee? A chocolate eclair? A step class at the gym? Whatever it is u enjoy every mouthful or every second x 

you always have such a beautiful way with words. I can honestly say that this entire journey has changed me forever. it truly is a humbling process. I am 1 year today and the happiness & joy I feel will never be taken for granted again. cheers to us both.  :smitten:

Aww trina I'm happy for you

Trina. I'm so happy for you, you are a wonderful person! 

 

And you are so right; "thats the beauty on this forum...when we help others we also help ourselves. And when we are helped we get opportunities to pay it forward."

Trina, oops, the song is from The Golden Girls, not Friends!  But, you are still my Friend!

So very happy for you Trina!!!  Every day is one day closer to our healed selves!

 

Was just wondering at what point you tried to add small amounts of vitamins and/or exercise.  I am so ver sensitive right now, I cannot tolerate either, and now so afraid to try anything.  I most want to walk outside again.  It feels good while I'm doing it but I always pay for it later, yet I know how important it is to MOVE!  Threading that needle is very difficult.

Congratulations! That is wonderful! I hope to be feeling this well soon :-)

Trina, You have been such an inspiration to so many here on this forum.  Thanks for the update. You are doing amazing. TG

Brilliant! Glad you're doing well. 

I have a huge smile on my face Trina, you've come so far and I'm thrilled to know you're able to enjoy life again.  What amazes me even more is that you've been able to support, inspire, comfort and educate so many members as you've been recovering.  Thank you for all you've done for us and the help you've given so freely. 

Congratulations Trina so happy for you!

 

PG

This is awesome, Trina! I'm so happy for you reading this milestone. You've been a true warrior through this journey. I'm so happy that we've met. You're an inspiration and a great friend. I wish you all the love, joy and support to continue to heal. I'm looking forward to reading your success story when you're completely healed. I know this is an inspiration to others coming along. You're so right about the importance of receiving and giving back. Keep being strong. Much love to you, dear friend.

I am so happy to read this, Trina!! You continue to inspire me and many others here! I hope you reach complete healing very soon.  :smitten:

So proud of you!!!!!

Congratulations friend!  You did it.  I remember how we both were a year ago.  We’ve both come a long way in a year.  Those early days were so rough.

 

I’m glad you focused on healing instead of dwelling on what the drugs did to you.  I had to do the same as i needed to stay positive and push forward.

 

I know your family is happy to have the real you back.  And I know this experience will make you an even better counselor.

 

Now go do something fun and celebrate this achievement!

This is so nice to read Trina... yes healing does happen... keep going and I look forward to reading that success story in the near future :-)

Trina,

 

What an accomplishment, I am so happy for you!  The old saying "everything happens for a reason" holds true here.  Maybe you were destined for a new career.  This journey makes you appreciate so much more on a totally different level.

 

Let the healing begin...

Thanks so much for all the positive vibes everyone!!

Yay!! Reading this made very, very happy!!

Blessings Trina!!!