Hyperawareneas of every thought .....TRIGGER

[[Buddie]]

Hello . I have posted on another group , but I figured I would try this one ....please be patient as I am new to this .
Possible Trigger

For 10 months now I have extreme hyperawareneas of every single thought in my mind .
It has escalated to major Intrusives  , commanding , dark , name calling   looping , ....you name it .
I hear my inner voice all day , talk non stop ...repeating , etc....
Memory flashbacks music .....I cry all day .....non stop . I have become dysfunctional.... completely.
I have tried everything. Breathing , meditating, yoga ....nothing is working .. 
My voice tells me lies yes, but it is non stop - everyday - and I am losing hope. I need help .....please . I have a little girl who needs me ......
I am so aware , I know when my mind is slow , or fast , or everything it is doing at all times....inner chatter all the time ...panic, anxiety, depression.....
I feel I can't go on ....   I have no life now ....but I have too ....

[[Buddie]]

Hi [...],

I experienced every single symptom you mentioned. It was so scary. I remember almost wanting to hit myself in the head it was so miserable. But guess what- IT ALL PASSED! The incessant mind chatter, looping thoughts, all of it settled. I am 1.5 years out and it really only stopped a month or two ago. Panic attacks, all of it. The incessant sobbing. I do have crying spells from time to time but they are so much more manageable.

I have one recommendation for you: http://www.anxietynomore.co.uk. Please go to that website and buy both of Paul David’s books immediately ( you can get digital copies). He also has an excellent blog and reading the comments below the articles was very helpful to me. He also has a page on facebook. I can’t tell you how comforting and helpful the books, website and comments have been. I was at the absolute end of my rope before finding his books. Here are two of his articles on racing thoughts to get you started: https://anxietynomore.co.uk/anxiety_worrying_thoughts/  https://anxietynomore.co.uk/anxiety-feeling-hyperaware-of-oneself/  . Again, I HIGHLY recommend buying the books as the website only scratches the surface. I hope this helps you as it helped me. Just remember, what you are going through is temporary, I know how scary it feels and like there is no break or end in sight but I absolutely promise you the light is coming. The stage that you are in is really important and means your brain is starting to heal (as crazy as that sounds).

[[Buddie]]

I'm sorry that it's taking so long for this symptom to wane.  Another member just mentioned that he got some relief when if pulled out his guitar and played for a couple of hours.  Can you find something like that to do to keep your mind occupied for a while? 

[[Buddie]]

Yes I got some relief playing. Today it's back to where nothing is helping. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm dealing with dark disgusting existential thoughts and it makes me question just what the hell is wrong with me. I guess it's my brain healing but I just don't understand why it's choosing to think of these things.

[[Buddie]]

Hello . I have posted on another group , but I figured I would try this one ....please be patient as I am new to this .
Possible Trigger

For 10 months now I have extreme hyperawareneas of every single thought in my mind .
It has escalated to major Intrusives  , commanding , dark , name calling   looping , ....you name it .
I hear my inner voice all day , talk non stop ...repeating , etc....
Memory flashbacks music .....I cry all day .....non stop . I have become dysfunctional.... completely.
I have tried everything. Breathing , meditating, yoga ....nothing is working .. 
My voice tells me lies yes, but it is non stop - everyday - and I am losing hope. I need help .....please . I have a little girl who needs me ......
I am so aware , I know when my mind is slow , or fast , or everything it is doing at all times....inner chatter all the time ...panic, anxiety, depression.....
I feel I can't go on ....   I have no life now ....but I have too ....

I just want you to know. Don't be surprised if some of this changes or morphs. It seems a lot my mental stuff has morphed. The OCD thought loops have take a break it seems and now I am dealing with mostly feeling like I am trapped in my body and existential disgusting thoughts. Things might change for you and I don't want you to be surprised if they do. This is a different kind of hell from what I was experiencing earlier.

[[Buddie]]

Your symptoms are completely normal in this healing process. You are not alone. It can feel so so dark and sinister (for lack of a better word..).
That stuff has lifted for me. "You" will return...

Your little girl will be the life-force that helps you push through this and survive. My kids/teens is what kept me going day after day when I felt I couldn't do one more minute. Somehow we make it - we just do. One foot in front of the other.

The mental stuff gets quieter, the darkness lifts. Time is the healer. 

[[Buddie]]

You don't have to look far to see everyone is different. I too have self directed dialog quite similar to what you've indicated of obsessive, critical, ruthless, internal self trashing to the point of insanity. Nor has there been any end in sight, in 4+ yrs off Clonazepam. Whilst one person gets to the point of recovery, someone else, such as myself, sees not only a bleak, long, dark tunnel, but a steady downward trend, since at least 1.5 yrs. Has been a continuous, hideous nightmare - and for whatever reason, based at least in part on guilt. But worth noting, I seem to be the exception rather than the rule.

[[Buddie]]

What bothers you the most ? The hyperawareneas or what you are thinking ...or both ?
For me .. it's the hyperawareneas.   The constant knowing I am thinking ....doesn't feel natural at all.   
And the name calling , repeating , commanding stuff
Who the hell is that !?!

[[Buddie]]

I've had that now for 3yrs. I hear you. I've got a little boy

[[Buddie]]

Really sorry it's been so rough and indeed it can be extremely rough going. You describe it so well and how familiar does it sound to me. My cognitive function is severely impaired. I just wish I could cry. Seems I could before but now it's as though my mind is tightly set in concrete. If I try to resist, nothing happens, if I try to let go, nothing. I'm desperate but am held captive. Every thought is one of intense fear as it is one of hyperactive self doubt. Every moment is disrupted in chaos. The thing that gives me a break is to guzzle ice tea or ice cold diet soda, as crazy as it sounds.