My Story - Back from the Jungle

I left Japan with two preschool boys and one suitcase. “He” thought we were going to visit family stateside for a couple of weeks, but I was running - running because he had repeatedly raped me for six years. I held out hope that he would stop being abusive until he admitted that he had molested his two younger sisters and that he was glad we’d not had a daughter. I still feel like vomiting when I think about this.

 

Within three months I’d found a job, bought a secondhand car, and rented an apartment. Outwardly things looked good, but I was constantly anxious, and sleep was a challenge. I was in a new city with a new job and had no family or friends in the area.

 

My general practitioner suggested that I take Xanax. He said that it was not habit forming and that I could just take it as needed. After a couple of months he said that I should consider taking it daily and that it would work like diabetes medications by keeping levels steady in my body. Then, I would be calm all the time. Okay. That sounded good. Calm would be a blessing.

 

I was taking three mg per day when my doctor got arrested for overprescribing opiates. Actually, a guy died after getting 1000 pain pills in one month from my doctor. He did the same with benzodiazepines, but no one was really talking about benzos. So, his benzo victims were just collateral damage.

 

On some level I realized that I could not stop taking Xanax at this point, but I tried not to think about it. I also tried not to think about the falls. I tumbled down my basement stairs and literally rolled the skin on my shin down like a sock. I needed a skin graft. I slipped on ice and fell backwards down the porch steps. That knocked me out, and the cold eventually woke me up. I had a concussion which was never treated but has caused lasting issues. Then I visited my son in the rain forest where I slipped and cut my knee on a rock. Cellulitis set in, and I was not able to fly back home as planned. I was in a hospital and could not even speak the language. I had a couple of surgeries and did not lose my leg. 

 

A new GP suggested that I get off Xanax. She said that I’d need to do that slowly. I began tapering on my own, since she really didn’t have any guidelines. After waking up on the floor twice, I was getting scared and began doing online research including signing up for Benzo Buddies. I discovered that benzodiazepines are very dangerous and the quitting could be a challenge. Actually, I had figured that out.

 

By this point, I was in full blown withdrawal. This included a host of physical and mental issues. I heard music playing when around fans, and my 3D vision was off so that when I’d talk to someone it would appear that their head was a few inches in front of their neck and body. Time was messed up, and I did not remember a couple of decades of my life. My face in the mirror did not look familiar. I was in so much pain especially with my back and my eyes. I was not taking medicine for diabetes, because I had no recall that I had diabetes.

 

Somehow I managed to get to another general practitioner. He said that I’d need to be on Xanax for life. Oh no. That could not be good. I liked the GP though, so I just got the pills each month while continuing to taper. I ended up with a stash of seven bottles of Xanax.

 

At this point I was at .5 mg per day, and I really could not tolerate reductions in the dry pills. I’d read about liquid titration on Benzo Buddies. It seemed like the members who were successfully getting off benzos were the ones who were dissolving the pills and taking very small reductions. I felt that was my only chance of getting off Xanax, so I began dissolving pills in vodka and adding water. Then, I’d reduce maybe 1/100 ml at a time.

 

I won’t pretend like it was easy stopping Xanax even when I cut down very tiny amounts. The physical and mental side effects were horrific. There were a few times when I felt like I left my body and was looking down and hearing myself howl like an animal with a leg caught in a trap. The pain was excruciating and terrifying. But, I kept plowing along.

 

My main support during this time was my cat. My family is quite dysfunctional, and my social skills suffered terribly during this time.

 

All told, it took ten months from the time the female GP suggested I get off Xanax and when I took my last syringe of the poison. I didn’t really know that the last day was my last day. I had started to feel a little better as the doses went down. I was taking very little when I woke up and decided that I could finally do without the benzo. Actually I wasn’t sure, but I figured I could keep tapering if necessary. I didn’t have to. Although I did not feel good to start with, I did not feel any worse than while tapering small amounts.

 

This was a year and a half back. I feel much better now but do have some residual traces of the benzo and benzo withdrawals days. Since I was early on in the process of being off Xanax when the global pandemic hit, it’s a little hard to judge. By necessity I mostly stay at home to be safe from Covid19, but I do not feel terrified when I pick up groceries or go to the post office now. The fan does not play gospel bluegrass anymore, and people no longer look like bobbleheads. I know who I am in the mirror.

 

It was a long, hard haul, but I made it back to the human side.

 

 

 

wow!  congrats

You are an amazingly strong person x u fought so hard and won x congratulations on ur freedom

Thank you kanoba and Shayna! I feel blessed to be one of the ones to make it to the other side and hope that I may say and/or do things that help others do the same.

Congratulations! You are a brave soul.

Incredible testament to strength, determination, and incredible will....you deserve all good things going forward!  May you only know peace and good health in all your tomorrows!!!!

Thanks GardenGuru and HappyLike!

Hi,

 

You have my respect.  You are a very strong person.  Your sins are lucky to have you as their mom.

 

Thank you for posting your return to the "human side".

 

Wishing you peace and happiness

 

Hingie

Lillyann

 

I meant "sons", not sins.

 

 

Hingie

 

Much appreciation Birdman and Hingie!

 

LOL on my "sins." I did figure that one out and got a smile thinking about some of my indiscretions but a bigger smile thinking about my sons. They turned out great, and I will give them credit for that. Nice to be able to spend real world time with them now. 

Congratulations! Thank you for sharing your amazing story of courage and strength with the rest of us. It's a powerful one.

 

I wish you all the best. I can only imagine how wonderful it must feel to have made it to the other side.

Thank you Lapis! I see you fought the fight as well. Good on you. It's a hard one. I hope others do not have to face this in the future.

Wow - what a beautiful story.  So happy that you are doing much better.  Thanks be to God that you didn't listen to that "new" GP that you found, saying you'd have to be on the pills for life!  Thanks for coming back and sharing!

Thanks Mom7 - I do like my GP that I stumbled on in acute. He doesn't know much about benzos, and he felt that with the length of time I'd been on Xanax and with my age now that I'd need to keep taking it. After I got off, I did tell him. He asked about the titration, and I explained that to him. My hopes are that he will know more about this and can help others here get off. It's a real concern how little the medical community knows about the benzo problem.

 

I doubt I would have balked about staying on Xanex if I hadn't found BB. Here is where I figured out that I wasn't crazy and that the meds were causing big problems. Also, I learned DLMT.

 

Hang in there. You are getting down low on the V. You can push on over to the other side too.

Thank you Lapis! I see you fought the fight as well. Good on you. It's a hard one. I hope others do not have to face this in the future.

 

Actually, I'm still in it, Lilyann. Still extremely dizzy, which is making life miserable. But I do look to the Success Stories from time to time to find some hope.

Sorry to hear that Lapis. Benzos are strange. They impact in so many ways and then grab hold. I know I am fortunate that most of the worst side effects do not impact now or not often.

Wow, Lily, you are one strong lady! Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I'm looking forward to the day I can come back and post about how much better I'm feeling. Can I ask approx how long after you jumped did you feel more able to socialize, run errands, etc.?

Wow you went trough a lot. You are very strong! Congratulations to overcome all the abuse and withrawl!

Can I ask you did you had a very severe headache like squeezing zapping pressure severe pain 24/7 in withrawl?

 

 

Hi Calm,

 

I quit in August 2019.

 

By Thanksgiving, I was feeling some better, but . . . I bought a turkey to bake. Then, I stressed and could not remember how to bake a turkey (and I was a food blogger), so I chunked the uncooked turkey in the trash and made something easy - maybe spaghetti. My sons and a GF helped me get some food cooked. For Christmas, I went to the family throw down. Got all benzo wiggy (3D went off, sound, odd smells), and I slipped out the back door and walked home (a couple of miles). Nope. I did not tell anyone. One of my sons got my car for me.

 

When the summer (2020) rolled around I was able to get on the interstate (for a 45 minute trip). Before that, I was not driving more than 15 miles on country roads and avoiding stop lights if possible. Also, I could cook a simple meal with more than one food. Again, I was a cooking blogger, so cooking was a high level skill previously.

 

Covid hit, so it is harder to judge my function level, but I am much better than the previous holiday season. I drove seven hours out of state and felt okay. Once there, my insomnia kicked in, and every time I tried to eat I would throw up. Thought I was actually sick, but I think it was just anxiety. Anxiety could have been due to the previous fails and not benzos. Not sure.

 

At the moment (about a year and a half off), my main issues are insomnia and anxiety. Insomnia is pretty much every night. Anxiety is once or twice per day (often related to trying to go to sleep). On occasion, I get strange flashes like odd smells and tastes. They do not last long now.

 

It is a process. Healing has been gradual. Sometimes I take a step forward and then backward for a short period of time.

Hi Vica,

 

No. I did not have headaches. Thankfully.

 

As far as physical pain, my back was the biggie. During w/d I was sent for an MRI, and I do have arthritis in the spine and some disk issues. Benzos did not cause the back problems, but the falls related to benzos likely did contribute to the disks bulging.

 

Another big issue I'd been dealing with is dry eye. When I say "big," I do mean big. I ended up having surgery where the eye doc scraped the lens of the cornea off to let it heal back over for hopefully better eye coverage. Currently I have blurriness and sun sensitivity. Again, I would not necessarily say that benzos caused that, but I think being in benzo w/d made it super hard to handle. 

 

I have had what I call floating pain, and I do think that was related to taking benzos a long time and then tapering. The first big one was vaginal pain. I did test for a yeast infection, but that went on for five months. Then, my teeth hurt. WTF? I can't even explain that. I did get a root canal, but that pain floated around my mouth for a couple of months. My thoughts are that perhaps the benzos and the w/d made me much more sensitive to normal aches and pains.

Lilyann,

Congratulations on coming back to the human world!!! You are a hero!

Thank you for sharing your success story... the ones that are still fighting hard need to hear how others succeeded.

You are an inspiration, truly. 

I wish you complete healing and lots of joy in your life!

Thanks for the message Better! I am very thankful that I was able to get off Xanax. There were certainly days when I did not think that I would be able to.