New and Looking for some Hope

Hi everyone, I was prescribed xanax to help me sleep about 18 months ago during my sons first year of sleepless nights. Initially I did not take every night. I have had .25mg to .5mg of xanax almost daily over the past 6 months. Recently my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer and he doesn't have much time left. In addition to being a mom to two young children, running my company, I am also his primary caregiver. My stress and anxiety increased and I started having panic attacks and used the xanax to treat those as well. I noticed that I was needing more xanax and experiencing more anxiety and that is when I tried to stop, only to realize I was having withdrawal symptoms.

I  feel so guilty for having to put my family and my husband through what I expect I'm going to have to go through to get off of this medication.  My Dr has me going off xanax with assistance of another medication immediately and I am on day 1 and feeling awful as you can imagine. I had no idea my decision to take xanax for sleep would lead to this. Thank you for your support.

Hello Livelaughlove22, welcome to BenzoBuddies,

I am glad you have found us!  Goodness, you have been under a tremendous amount of stress recently, I am sorry to hear it.  It would be nice if we could continue on benzos but as you experienced, they wind up not working for us and causing more problems like withdrawl.

Did your doctor switch you to diazepam to taper?  I hope your doctor has recommended a slow taper.  We support a taper of no more than 5-10% of your total daily dose every two week or so to minimize withdrawl symptoms.  This link will take you to the board for withdrawl support:

Planning Your Withdrawal (Taper Plans)

Look around the site and when you feel ready, you can start a thread.  Let us know how we can help you.  We've been there.

Best and again, welcome,

Kate

Hi Kate, thank you for your response. I'm glad I found you too. My Dr. prescribed something called Gabapentin and told me to stop the xanax or just "taper a bit" if I need to. He didn't seem concerned because I am on such a "low dose". I will be calling back today because the GABA was not helpful and I almost think it made things worse. Although hard to separate the side effects  of GABA from withdrawal from Xanax.The night was unbearable and I ended up taking two .125 mgs to stop the vomiting last night. I am 40 and I called my own mother at 2:30 am in tears because I felt so alone and scared. I feel so bad for not making it and the overarching guilt of being where I am at with this drug, accidentally, is probably making me more sick.

I just want out and want out fast but it sounds like a slow taper would be much less violent than what I experienced last night. And perhaps it will allow me to function (care for my children, tend to my career and care for my father). I feel like the beautiful life I have is crashing downs suddenly with the realization that this drug is hurting me.

K

Hi Kate, thank you for your response. I'm glad I found you too. My Dr. prescribed something called Gabapentin and told me to stop the xanax or just "taper a bit" if I need to. He didn't seem concerned because I am on such a "low dose". I will be calling back today because the GABA was not helpful and I almost think it made things worse. Although hard to separate the side effects  of GABA from withdrawal from Xanax.The night was unbearable and I ended up taking two .125 mgs to stop the vomiting last night. I am 40 and I called my own mother at 2:30 am in tears because I felt so alone and scared. I feel so bad for not making it and the overarching guilt of being where I am at with this drug, accidentally, is probably making me more sick.

 

I just want out and want out fast but it sounds like a slow taper would be much less violent than what I experienced last night. And perhaps it will allow me to function (care for my children, tend to my career and care for my father). I feel like the beautiful life I have is crashing downs suddenly with the realization that this drug is hurting me.

 

K

Alprazolam is high potency benzo, 0.5 mg alprazolam is equivalent to 10 mg diazepam.

http://www.benzoinfo.com/low-dose-benzodiazepine/

Hello,Livelovelaugh22!

So sorry that you have so much on your shoulders. Life can be so hard sometimes. But the sun will come out. You have so much love in your life and you need to fight for all of their sake. Please don't blame yourself for ending up here right now. Blame is useless here. Yes, it was you who took those pills but you did it not knowing what they can do. We trust doctors. And doctors don't warn us of terrible consequences. You made the best decision with the knowledge you had at that time. And now you are making the best decision with the knowledge you have now. It can happen to anyone. It happens to doctors and phcychologists ! If they don't know better - how can the rest of us? 

So please let go of the guilt- it really is best for your children, spouse and even parents, let alone yourself! I can tell you from my personal experience that your guilt only makes it worse for those around you. Im here to support my husband in his now post benzo recovery...when he feels guilty- it is torture for me. Neither  my husband nor you did this on purpose. Think of how you would respond to maybe your children's guilt if you knew it wasn't their fault...that's how you need to talk to yourself...kindness, love, forgiveness.

Let people help you in whatever you need help with. It's ok. Tell them how much you appreciate it instead of apologizing for not doing it yourself. It's a much more positive and healing emotion- gratefulness .it makes everyone feel good. You are now on the path of healing. Think how much more you will be able to teach your children with the knowledge you will gain getting though this.,Knowledge about self care, self love, learning about your body and why it does what it does and ways of dealing with it... Maybe your experience will keep your spouse, your children, your friend from using benzos in the future- what a beautiful butterfly effect this can cause.

I myself find myself not only here happy to offer a kind word to others suffering but I just talked my good friend out of benzo use. We talked about her struggles and she felt better. She just needed to know someone cared for her - she did not need a powerful addictive drug that ruined so many lives. But you see a doctor already gave it to her and she was armed and loaded to go.

Anyway, you will get through this. Life will be beautiful again.