once around the sun

I finished my Diazepam taper 1 year ago (on the 15th January 2020).  Since then, I've done one whole circumnavigation of the sun, benzo-free. 

 

I'm so grateful for a return to more mental clarity, and for windows of calm.  So much is clearer to me than it was a year ago.  In particular, i would say I suffered a paradoxical reaction and akathisia the whole time I was on the benzos.  I was put on them to start with to supposedly mitigate the symptoms of Serotonin Syndrome and Akathisia for a short but terrifying stint on Sertraline and Quetiapine - neither of which were indicated for the off-label 'conditions' for which they were prescribed.

Anyway here I am still. 

Holding on to hope or a return to a life of living some time in the future.  Meantime, grateful for improvements while enduring so much incapacity.

At the moment, the worst impacts of  benzo harm are:

Chronic fatigue (so long to be able to walk and cycle and be productive again, but pretty much immobilised)

Agoraphobic and Social-phobia - have given up any social life and no longer leave the house or interact with anyone other than my partner and immediate family

Intense photophobia: can't tolerate light and spend much of the time in a room with the curtains closed

Pain in legs and numb feet.

Can't drive or easily travel in a vehicle at speed - the motion and vibration create a nauseating vertigo and

Basically my Central Nervous System just can't seem to cope with sensory information.

Living in constant pain, seems to have contributed to my feeling grumpy.

 

In spite of those things and other pesky harms, one year on, there are so many ways in which things are better than they were and have been through the course of my taper and in the months since I became benzo-free.  Other than the mental clarity and interludes of calm, morning terrors are much diminished.  I notice that I don't feel depressed.  I feel like I've learnt some measure of acceptance.  I feel hope. I feel very grateful for my partner. He has such faith in me.  He has been and remains so patient with the way this suffering changes the shape of our relationship.  I don't think I could have got this far without him, and without the love we share.  Even though it was under terrible circumstances that I stopped working (before being prescribed benzos) I am very grateful that I have a certain measure of economic security at this time in my life, so that I don't have the additional burden of facing destitution or homelessness because I am not currently well enough to go to work and earn money.

 

My partner sees what I suffer due to benzo/pharmatropic medication harm.  He has seen the ways in has diminished my life and my ability to participate and contribute in ways that used to be normal and natural for me.  He says that he admires me for my endurance and my courage.

 

I admire anyone and everyone here on Benzo buddies who is grappling with this horrid, iatrogenic insult.  Kia kaha (be strong).

 

I so hope that this time next year, I will be able to do more than I am doing now.

Your recovery is inspirational and full of hope. Thank you for sharing this with us and may the next year bring complete healing for you.

How wonderful that you've made 1 year. Congrats! I'm sure you will continue to heal. You'll have a new healthier life. Best wishes to you. Stay the course.

 

You will get there x congratulations x

Thank you for you kindness and encouragement Ladyden and Shayna 78. I wish you all the best too, Sarah NZ

Thank you also Trying2bhopeful. So sorry for what you've had to endure. And wishing you well, Sarah