Terrified.

Hi,

 

I have a bit of a backstory but hopefully someone can shed some light or offer some assistance.

 

Part one: 15 years ago I abused benzos (valium, Xanax). My best friend died and I just turned to drugs, I didn't know what I was doing I just knew it made me forget and feel better. The habit and the dose became quite large 50-250mg valium on a given day, daily, for close to a year.

 

Had a seizure, weaned down, and suffered post withdrawal for 6 years. Ruined my degree, my relationship and my job...or...my life.

 

Recovered and went back to uni, got a new job, started my life back. Things were going well. However I do suffer huge anxiety. My doctor suggested we use valium PRN and keep a close watch on the dose. I've done this for two years now with no issues. Maybe 10mg per month, or less.

 

However I am a performing artist by night and I work in a corporate environment during the day. So this last month I've had a lot of commitments and I've had to use my benzos a bit more frequently than ideal. I decided, stupidly, to switch to Xanax thinking the short half life would mean less exposure to the drug and less change of any issues.

 

I accidentally ended up using 2mg xanax 5 days over 2 weeks.

 

I am now in severe acute withdrawal. No seizure but it feels the same as 10 years ago.

 

I went one week in wd, but then had another performance and had to have 5mg. I then had another week still in wd, and last night had another 5mg. I have one last commitment. But my life is going to hell. I can't speak properly, I can't sleep, i have gastro issues, my skin, I'm shaking inside, all the usual suspects...

 

Why is this happening...am I right back to where I was 10 years ago.

 

Help

Hello Whyisthishappening, welcome to BenzoBuddies,

 

My heart breaks for you, to be back here after what you endured so many years ago must be so scary and disheartening.  We have many members who fell back into benzo's after being free from them so you're among friends here.

 

What can we do for you, is it your plan to attempt a taper or are you considering a cold turkey?  We recommend tapering at a rate of about 5-10% every week or two depending on your symptoms but if you feel a cold turkey is best, we'll support your decision.

 

Let me give you a couple of links to help you get started.

 

Planning your taper (Taper Plans)

 

Withdrawal Support (during your taper)

 

Please let us know how we can help you, we're glad you're here.

 

Pamster

 

I feel a taper is overkill as I have not used a benzo daily in 15 years. I have only used them monthly for social anxiety relating to performing or work and only frequently (more than once in a week) for the past few weeks due to these commitments.

 

Is it wise to suddenly start taking it daily only to taper? Should i just remain off it and continue the distance? I feel taking it daily is just going to dig me in deeper?

I guess it depends on how much you can endure, if you can't continue to function while going cold turkey then it would be beneficial to reinstate to try to get stable then taper.  I managed to get through a cold turkey but that was because I didn't realize I needed to taper it so it can be done. 

 

As for only using them sporadically, it sounds like your body is dependent so at this point it doesn't make a difference.

I feel a taper is overkill as I have not used a benzo daily in 15 years. I have only used them monthly for social anxiety relating to performing or work and only frequently (more than once in a week) for the past few weeks due to these commitments.

 

Is it wise to suddenly start taking it daily only to taper? Should i just remain off it and continue the distance? I feel taking it daily is just going to dig me in deeper?

Benzos don't work like "regular" drugs, they're very counterintuitive, and in fact once the process of "benzodiazepine discontinuation syndrome" starts, there isn't much choice in the matter and taking them every day isn't "digging yourself in deeper." My own story is I tapered all the way down to 1 mg diazepam / day, was virtually completely asymptomatic, and then took a huge binge (20 mg three times in two days) to counter adverse reaction to an antidepressant. It left me in a state of acute cold-turkey withdrawal, and I found out that 5 mg not only worked to put me to sleep in just 15 minutes, but also removed all, literally all of my withdrawal symptoms for days. All kind of stuff happened, and I didn't reinstate stable dosing, but left to process to continue on. Well, it turned out to be a mistake, I should've reinstated and by now I would've tapered off, and even I weren't completely asymptomatic this time, I would've been in a much better place symptoms-wise that's for sure.

 

As for only using them sporadically, it sounds like your body is dependent so at this point it doesn't make a difference.

If those kindling experiments on rodents are any indications, sporadic usage is the worst way to use benzos.

Welcome to BB 

 

How you choose to get free of the benzos is up to you.  A taper is a safe option.  It prevents some symptoms and can keep you functional.  A cold turkey is asking for pain.  And those symptoms will be there either way.  Once you are dependent, then that is how it goes.  You are already dependent. 

 

Your central nervous system is sensitive because of the previous benzo use, even though years ago.  That is why this is happening.

 

 

 

 

You said

 

" I am a performing artist by night and I work in a corporate environment during the day. "

 

Are you working two jobs? Do you have to for financial reasons? Work sounds like it is causing you a lot of stress.

Work is stressful but I need the income and to build my future.

 

So is this likely to be 6 years of withdrawals again?...

I'm actually impressed you're working to build your future, too many here can't even envision a future anymore so I'm glad you're keeping yours in mind.  We have no way of knowing how long it will take recover from this, I hope it won't be 6 years.

6 years seems a long time.  Most people do not need that long to heal.