4 months off

I'm almost 5 months off of huge rescue doses taken to counter amitriptyline which threw me into cold-turkey withdrawal. Almost 4 weeks after that I got hit with akathesia and took 5 mg diazepam rescue dose. I fell asleep in 15 minutes (it takes an hour or two for oral diazepam to reach maximum blood concentration, so I could've probably reinstated at 2 mg diazepam / day). I'm now 4 months off today since that last rescue dose. After that rescue dose all symptoms were gone for days. In hindsight that last rescue dose should've led to reinstatement and a slow taper. But, when you're feeling good, you don't really get how bad it can get. And bad it did get. Today I'm nowhere near to where I was when I was at the end of my taper, before I tried amitriptyline. Still, I'm better off than I was a month ago. Feeling that my skin is connected to high voltage and that my brain is swimming in acid are gone. Mental symptoms are gone. So are adrenaline rushes, no longer do I feel like my blood vessels are Formula One tracks. Hissing, hyperacusis, and inner ear pressure/pain are still there. Wired/tired feeling exchanges with fatigue/malaise depending on the day, sometimes I'm just highly strung-up, and sometimes my body feels like it's in fight for dear life, even though mind's relatively calm. There's other stuff too, but I'm too lazy do describe it and besides, every day can bring a new surprise. All in all, it would've been faster and much less painful if had I reinstated to taper.

Wow, pace...what a year you’ve had. Your resilience and wisdom are shining through, though...even in your suffering. Stay strong. Healing is happening and the rest of your life awaits.

 

Beauty

Thak you! Though I don't think I have much in the way of wisdom, or else I wouldn't have ended up where I'm now. The price of wisdom is heavy.

I'm sorry you're still suffering so much...but you have been such great help to so many here on BB with what you have learned.

Discouraging is an understatement some days, but you can do this. Day by day if necessary - your future is bright.

I have completely derailed my life for no reason, even though I knew better. It's... hard to deal with psychologically. On the other hand somewhere along the line in this process I lost my inborn OCD. Maybe xenon knocked it out of my brain? I went a long way from being a failed perfectionist to becoming a perfect failure.

Congratulations!!!!  Milestones friend!  I’m glad you are doing better!  Here’s hoping for a faster than 3 year recovery for you.

Thanks. Hope you'll recover fast too.

You're very good at describing your symptoms, I can almost feel them so I'm sorry you are.  It's good to know you've seen improvement but it makes me sad to see how you berate yourself because of your error in judgement.  I hope you can forgive yourself, I imagine you will when you recover but this has been a terrible lesson for you, I'm sorry.

Berating might help someone who finds himself in similar situation in the future. I saw Bexlan took much more clonazepam then I did diazepam (in equivalent dose) to counter his reaction to amitriptyline and ended up feeling relatively fine around that time when I registered on the forum. My doctors were having "Nah, it'll be fine" reaction to all that happened, while you and pianogirl were unsure what to advise. So I thought, maybe it's just a rebound effect and will pass in a month or two. Diazepam is a tricky one, because it took a while to start feeling really bad. It's like boiling a frog. So in a way, the deck was stacked in a certain direction.

 

It's a horrible experience, and even though I'm suffering now I won't be sorry for the experience once it ends. If it weren't for withdrawal symptoms I would be a lot calmer now than I ever was pre-benzos. Can't believe I spent so much of my life worrying.