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Who am I now? Identity group


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I’d like to start a support group for those who lost their identity due to benzos and wd.

 

I have been on benzos since I was a teen. I’m now 28 and have no idea who I am...

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Was on zopiclone 12 years but only felt like this after stopping them and then taking the AD's. Was prescribed them for insomnia, but in my case think they also blunted my emotions and any capacity to deal with stresses & anxiety, so once made CT all came flooding out. Think your brain looses it's capacity to deal with what life is throwing  at it, did in my case.

Can't imagine not living with this overwhelming anxiety, just to go out without having force myself. Truly lost "me" along the way. Think it's forgetting what "normal" feels like anymore. Sometimes look in mirror and think I look dead behind the eyes if that makes sense? Truly admire  you having a baby while dealing with all this.

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[10...]
The suffering brought on by cold-turkey made me question my own identity? Who am I now? Who will I be after this is all over? When is it going to be over?
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good thread Meg. I find myself wondering this same question often these days. i've been on and off benzos for 25+ years. I had no idea what tolerance was. Now that I'm down to .15mg clon, i can't help but think back to how much of my life has been ruined by these drugs. whenever i would stop taking, it wouldn't be long before my anxiety would start up again (now know that as a wave) and I assumed- and had been told by my pdoc- that it was my original anxiety returning, only this time much worse. I have been through withdrawal SO MANY TIMES over the years and how did I rectify it? By taking more clonazepam of course. I remember mornings when I would wake up with the pounding, racing heart and tingling in my arms. It used to send me into a tailspin.

 

I don't understand how I could've gone so long without this information. Thank god for a very cognizant therapist (LMFT) I started seeing in 2018. She brought the idea of tolerance to my attention last year. She had to help her autistic son come off benzos so she's quite familiar with benzo withdrawal.

 

I think I may start a thread on this to see if anyone else has been through something similar. Stuck taking these meds for years and years, never knowing tolerance existed.

 

Having a hard time dealing with this newfound information. Thanks for the support.

 

 

Karen

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Great thread Meg!  :thumbsup: I'm 6 months off just now seeing improvements. I wondered why am I going through this....why me!? But I know who I am. My issue is that I can't manifest that person because my body hasn't healed enough yet. It was the person before I tapered that I didn't recognize. Hope I never see her again....EVER! I'm like a child in a candy store. All these " treats" that make me who I am are everywhere and I get to slowly enjoy them as I heal. Going to a store with no fear...a treat! Driving....a treat! Watching a movie without sound and light sensitivity....a treat! Laughing and making others laugh....a treat! Painting again....a treat! And so on. Wow I can't wait! I know I have a ways to go but......I see her....the real me.
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My personality and emotions were put on hold for 6.5 years while I took an average of 2-3 mg of Klonopin per day.

 

For 10.5 months, I went through hell while tapering Klonopin, and C/T Ambien, Adderall, cigarettes and caffeine.

 

I’m not the person I was back in February 2013, when I started talking Klonopin. Or the guy zonked out on Klonopin that I barely remember from 2017. Or the person who went through hell in July 2020.

 

I’m the guy who made it through all of that, and finds myself sitting on the other side of it, reborn with a blank slate.

 

 

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I love this group already!  :smitten: :smitten:

 

I was involved in a stressful courtcase when I went to college.  I started having anxiety and a few panic attacks my freshman year.  That's when I was put on benzos.  They told me I had panic disorder from having TWO panic attacks in my whole life. 

 

I was on benzos 27 years, I am two years off and just turned 49.  I don't have a career and am not sure what I am going to do now.  I was really disabled while on benzos. 

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So sorry Green cup. Maybe you can find a work from home job. Taking phone orders for companies or something like that. I'm glad you're benzo free 2years. Way to go!
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Thank you for this topic! :smitten:

I'm new here and today I decided not to take off xanax, I just can't. Why? ...

Who am I?

I am a 38 year old woman who functions as a child, full of phobias and fears.I started taking xanax 14 years ago, I don't remember half of those years, the other half I live in a nightmare.

I know who I was!

A beautiful, smart girl who could do anything and wanted everything. Day was too short for everything I had planned. I went everywhere, I had a lot of friends, I loved this world, people, animals ...

Today I don't know who I am ?.

In the last 8 years, I lef the house maybe 20 times,(because I have to and not because I want to).

I have no friends, I have no desires, I have no will for anything, I just want to disappear ....

I am so afraid of withdrawal symptoms that I would rather stay like this than fight for my life.

I really don't know who I am, I got lost somewhere "along the way" ...

But I know that the "real" me, who is trapped somewhere deep inside me (I hope), or maybe lost forever? ....would laughed at all these fears and said ... so,you think I will not succeed ?? ... .

Just wait, I will never give up .....I miss the "real" me :'(

 

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I’m eight years off after 30+ on and off (mostly on) benzodiazepines for RLS.  All I can say is that, difficult as tapering and recovering were, it was worth every bit of the struggle to be off them and get to know who I am.

 

Hang on...you’ll find your ‘self’ again.  :smitten:

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Oh Meganz, thank you for this thread!  :smitten:

 

Who am I...

 

I can relate with you all so much  :'(

 

I was started on benzos and the usual subsequent merry-go-round of meds in January or February 2004, at the sweet age of 21. Yes, I had hit a difficult time with anorexia and depression, but that was because I did not have the tools to deal with life's stressors, and probably made the wrong life-decisions for myself at the time. I was 21 and had everything to learn about being an adult! I just needed to learn... I just needed some help with that... some support... guidance...

 

...but like most people around here, I was quite simply given a prescription which would make decisions for me... little did I know at the time how much this would cost me, in years of my life, in everything I had... in being me  :-[

 

Sure, I stopped crying, but I stopped feeling everything else too. The world suddenly lost all colors. Life decisions to try to move on and 'get better': I moved away from my family - the worst decision ever... hinted by the psychiatrist who prescribed me the ever-growing list of drugs btw, and would soon be the only person I'd interact with every week. Looking back, it just looks like what cult gurus do! They alienate and isolate you from your bearings, friends and family, as you become theirs... and ever week, I'd pay this 'good doctor' a fair amount of money to listen to him telling me BS about life (he did the talking, not me, anyway, I didn't have much to say by that point... and this man knew people from TV and even the government, apparently! Wow, right? What a hero................  :sick:)

 

Fast forward to 2014 and being hit with ... something akin to narcolepsy every single day at 3pm. I was in my 30s and trying to finish my master's degree dissertation....... feeling nothing like myself, but I had kind of grown accustomed to that by that time. 'What is wrong with me?' had been a leitmotiv since 2004, but I always knew I just had to try and... move on. My 'mental illness', or 'mental illnesses'... it was 'Julz and her meds'... a face which seldom smiled any more, and when it did, something was missing in the eyes, you can see that clearly in every single picture of me since 2004.

 

Still when I found BBs and started tapering off the massive amount of drugs I was on, I didn't realize how much they had taken away from me. I was still spell-bound, believing that 'Julz on meds' had to be better or actually easier than 'Julz without meds', because... if that was the state of me 'on meds', I couldn't imagine what I'd be like without 'their help'.

 

Oh my Goodness... how deluded...

 

Fast-forward to 3 years and 7 months off my case of HEAVY poly-drugging (2mg Klonopin + 10 mg Valium + 75mg Effexor + 60 mg Escitalopram), I am still to get any answer as to 'Who am I'... because everything that I am now is so badly teinted by protracted post-WD still (I came off ADs and Valium too quickly after my more or less sensible taper off K, although I did kind of rush in the end... water under the bridge now), and now from the depths of a Year 4 4-month-long wave (and counting...).

 

BUT, I KNOW it is all worth it and that it will all work out for the best in the end. I know why I am here, I know I have chosen the right path and will never look back on coming off those wretched pills which stole 17 years of my life already. I am 38, and still have plenty healthy happy years to live. I am hungry for life, I really truly am...

 

Thank you Challis for those words... they are just what we need to hear over and over, thank you so much for your reassurance and comfort  :smitten: 

 

I’m eight years off after 30+ on and off (mostly on) benzodiazepines for RLS.  All I can say is that, difficult as tapering and recovering were, it was worth every bit of the struggle to be off them and get to know who I am.

 

Hang on...you’ll find your ‘self’ again.  :smitten:

 

To all of you looking for your Soul again, hang in there, Buddies. We will get there. We are on the right path!

 

Warm healing hugs,

Julz x

 

edit for typos

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yeah the me i was before is gone. now im a monster

Trust me, you'll be able to make something of that monster when you get a little further down the line.  ;)

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Great thread Meg!  :thumbsup: I'm 6 months off just now seeing improvements. I wondered why am I going through this....why me!? But I know who I am. My issue is that I can't manifest that person because my body hasn't healed enough yet. It was the person before I tapered that I didn't recognize. Hope I never see her again....EVER! I'm like a child in a candy store. All these " treats" that make me who I am are everywhere and I get to slowly enjoy them as I heal. Going to a store with no fear...a treat! Driving....a treat! Watching a movie without sound and light sensitivity....a treat! Laughing and making others laugh....a treat! Painting again....a treat! And so on. Wow I can't wait! I know I have a ways to go but......I see her....the real me.

I've got one foot in your camp. I like the part I put in bold. I remember chatting before so I think it doesn't apply to me quite as much as you, but I do feel like I'm doing a lot of waiting. I'm also waiting for the world to normalise.

 

I can also relate to the theme of this thread. I'm not the person I was before all this started. I think I'm similar in temperament and character but some of my beliefs are completely reversed. I have a spiritual side now which was didn't exist before. It's embryonic but is definitely there. I don't know what to do with it. I don't really know how to talk about it. In some ways, I want to dive right into it and it's frustrating that I can't. I don't expect anybody to know what a synchronicity is and I'm not yet ready to deal with too many quizzical looks when I try to explain something that's a little out there and which I don't have the vocabulary for. I'm excited, frustrated, apprehensive all at the same time.

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I am on the opposite end of this spectrum and am hoping someone can relate. I was on benzos for 8 months. Prior to that, I didn't take any type of AD or benzos. After this ordeal, I feel like I have completely lost myself. My identity is gone and there is always this feeling of my soul having been plucked out.
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Great thread Meg!  :thumbsup: I'm 6 months off just now seeing improvements. I wondered why am I going through this....why me!? But I know who I am. My issue is that I can't manifest that person because my body hasn't healed enough yet. It was the person before I tapered that I didn't recognize. Hope I never see her again....EVER! I'm like a child in a candy store. All these " treats" that make me who I am are everywhere and I get to slowly enjoy them as I heal. Going to a store with no fear...a treat! Driving....a treat! Watching a movie without sound and light sensitivity....a treat! Laughing and making others laugh....a treat! Painting again....a treat! And so on. Wow I can't wait! I know I have a ways to go but......I see her....the real me.

This is so nice to read, I'm so happy for you! .I wish you all the best, to enjoy every second of your life!  :)...

There are so many beautiful and brave souls on this topic. I spent days looking for a topic to join but I didn't feel comfortable. Last night I decided to look at the forum one more time before going to bed ... and read the title of this topic ...

I started writing right away, without thinking and this is exactly what I needed.

It's nice to know I'm not alone, crazy ... that someone else feels like me ....

Thank you all for writing here  :smitten:

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I’m eight years off after 30+ on and off (mostly on) benzodiazepines for RLS.  All I can say is that, difficult as tapering and recovering were, it was worth every bit of the struggle to be off them and get to know who I am.

 

Hang on...you’ll find your ‘self’ again.  :smitten:

What an inspiration!! .. After so many years on medication you have succeeded, I admire you. :smitten:

Maybe one day I will be able to gather my courage and get started.

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Was on zopiclone 12 years but only felt like this after stopping them and then taking the AD's. Was prescribed them for insomnia, but in my case think they also blunted my emotions and any capacity to deal with stresses & anxiety, so once made CT all came flooding out. Think your brain looses it's capacity to deal with what life is throwing  at it, did in my case.

Can't imagine not living with this overwhelming anxiety, just to go out without having force myself. Truly lost "me" along the way. Think it's forgetting what "normal" feels like anymore. Sometimes look in mirror and think I look dead behind the eyes if that makes sense? Truly admire  you having a baby while dealing with all this.

I understand this with a mirror. My eyes don't look the same. Sometimes I look at myself and ask who are you? ... I know it sounds crazy but it's true.

About a year ago I was looking at old photos, I found one I forgot. The same second I looked at myself in the photo (eyes), I started crying like a child. I saw the "life" in those eyes, the glow ... something that I haven't seen in the mirror in a very long time.

And I literally said out loud to my photo — where did you go?

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Great thread Meg!  :thumbsup: I'm 6 months off just now seeing improvements. I wondered why am I going through this....why me!? But I know who I am. My issue is that I can't manifest that person because my body hasn't healed enough yet. It was the person before I tapered that I didn't recognize. Hope I never see her again....EVER! I'm like a child in a candy store. All these " treats" that make me who I am are everywhere and I get to slowly enjoy them as I heal. Going to a store with no fear...a treat! Driving....a treat! Watching a movie without sound and light sensitivity....a treat! Laughing and making others laugh....a treat! Painting again....a treat! And so on. Wow I can't wait! I know I have a ways to go but......I see her....the real me.

I've got one foot in your camp. I like the part I put in bold. I remember chatting before so I think it doesn't apply to me quite as much as you, but I do feel like I'm doing a lot of waiting. I'm also waiting for the world to normalise.

 

I can also relate to the theme of this thread. I'm not the person I was before all this started. I think I'm similar in temperament and character but some of my beliefs are completely reversed. I have a spiritual side now which was didn't exist before. It's embryonic but is definitely there. I don't know what to do with it. I don't really know how to talk about it. In some ways, I want to dive right into it and it's frustrating that I can't. I don't expect anybody to know what a synchronicity is and I'm not yet ready to deal with too many quizzical looks when I try to explain something that's a little out there and which I don't have the vocabulary for. I'm excited, frustrated, apprehensive all at the same time.

Thx so much, Diaz. I understand you completely. The reason you have no words is because it is embryonic. Embryos don't have words.....yet. Just enjoy that you atleast have that as your new beginning. I believe you will do well. As I said, it hasn't manifested yet because our bodies haven't caught up. But WOW what a life we'll have when we can live it. Stay positive my friend. We have this beautiful chaos now but with time it'll just be beautiful.

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Great thread Meg!  :thumbsup: I'm 6 months off just now seeing improvements. I wondered why am I going through this....why me!? But I know who I am. My issue is that I can't manifest that person because my body hasn't healed enough yet. It was the person before I tapered that I didn't recognize. Hope I never see her again....EVER! I'm like a child in a candy store. All these " treats" that make me who I am are everywhere and I get to slowly enjoy them as I heal. Going to a store with no fear...a treat! Driving....a treat! Watching a movie without sound and light sensitivity....a treat! Laughing and making others laugh....a treat! Painting again....a treat! And so on. Wow I can't wait! I know I have a ways to go but......I see her....the real me.

This is so nice to read, I'm so happy for you! .I wish you all the best, to enjoy every second of your life!  :)...

There are so many beautiful and brave souls on this topic. I spent days looking for a topic to join but I didn't feel comfortable. Last night I decided to look at the forum one more time before going to bed ... and read the title of this topic ...

I started writing right away, without thinking and this is exactly what I needed.

It's nice to know I'm not alone, crazy ... that someone else feels like me ....

Thank you all for writing here  :smitten:

Ani I'm happy that you decided to take another look. We need all that we can to help us in this tough journey. Please be encouraged and know that you're not alone at all my dear. Just relax and reach out. There's plenty of hands here for you to hold. Please feel free to message me. Isn't it funny how people are always afraid of the what ifs and unknowns? Yet over and over through experience we find out there was nothing to be afraid of. Fear is a monster until you face it! Once you tell fear to get lost, you look back at it and laugh at it! I always laugh at it. Now fear sees that messing with me is a waste of time.  :thumbsup: but it's also ok to have a little fear when it's placed properly. For example: fear of something poisonous. That's proper and wise to have because it can cause you harm. But these pills make us fear our own shadow sometimes. When has a shadow ever hurt anyone?

Big hugs to you. You can do this!

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Thanks LadyDen. What was I thinking? Embryos having words??  :idiot:

 

To be honest, I think part of the reason I want to explain it so much is that people have an image of me that doesn't resemble who I really am. I don't know exactly who I am but I can tell when someone is dead wrong.

 

I reached out to an old friend who I haven't seen for a while. He made a comment about "working things out without any of the chemicals in you helping out". He's a nice guy and I think he thought it was the right thing to say. It's been a long time since we talked in depth, so he doesn't know that I absolutely would not characterise it that way. When we exchange stories in more detail, I imagine I will clarify the narrative so that he understands that my struggle has not been a story of relinquishing a reliance on chemical helpers. These chemicals never helped me live my life. Taking an SSRI as prescribed is the accident that I am recovering from. Diazepam helped with the brutal withdrawal symptoms, until it stopped doing that and created a fresh problem. This brief explanation will be understood and accepted on BB but trying to explain it to a layman is a whole different game.

 

I realise I'm talking more about self image than identity. I also realise that I've basically been out of action in life for a few years now. It's unlikely that I'll ever again have to deal with such an incongruence between what people think of me and the way I really am. It's frustrating and at times awkward. I try to be philosophical. At times I think that I never really knew myself in the past, so I can't blame others too much if they're lagging behind. I want to get out there and be normal so that I don't feel such a need to explain. Instead I have to be patient and remind myself that life's happening in slow motion for others, not just me.

 

I ramble on BB, too. I think it helps.

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Wow Diaz firstly I'd like to say to you that I enjoy the things you have to say. You're very intelligent and well spoken. So if you're talking to me....ramble on my friend.  :thumbsup: I love a great mature conversation. A few things you said struck a note in me. Your friend like many others is on the outside looking in. He has NO way of discerning whether drugs helps you communicate. But I will say that SSRI and benzo/ sleep drugs do cause us to slowly become a different person. We don't see this but others do. Now that I'm off Ambien and starting to heal, I clearly see that I was unrecognizable to those who know me. Also things I wouldn't have said or done if I wasn't on Ambien. I'm not saying this is the case for you but just throwing caution to the wind that it's possible that you're not aware of the effect it may have had. But, either way I think it's a great idea to talk to your friend about this. Someone wise said " you can't change what you won't acknowledge." Maybe your friend will change his view once he's educated about what happened to you. If he doesn't, that's ok because it wasn't his experience. You're right about explaining it to someone who hasn't gone through this is a difficult tasks depending on who you're talking to. It's like trying to tell a woman what it's like to give birth. I can explain it but only experience will really let her know.

As far as what people think of you.....it's a waste of time trying to convince someone to change the way they view you IF the person you're dealing with is a negative person. Some people are so miserable mentally (without drugs to blame) that whoever they come in contact with they try to make them miserable. You'll never get them to look at you positively. They've made up their mind from day one about you and even if proven wrong, they'll stick with what they think. This has happened to me.

I honestly don't think that you didn't know yourself. Maybe you had some things about yourself that you didn't realize. I'm finding out a few things about myself as well as things I've forgotten about. I also want to be normal and not explain what happened to me. I'm learning from this. A valuable lesson that will last me the rest of my life.

It used to upset me that others don't get what I'm going through. But not anymore because this is my experience for my benefit. I can't blame them for not understanding when at first I didn't understand this myself. And in some ways, some things in recovering still don't make sense. All I know now is this is one hell of a journey but I will heal and live my best life.

 

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Ha, thanks for the permission and the compliments too. Some of your posts have resonated with me, too and I tend to take a look if I notice you posted last in a thread. You come across as thoughtful but also spontaneous, which is not a common combination in my estimation.

 

It's perhaps slightly different for me because I have never been well while I've been taking these drugs. It was a disaster from the start. I never had a period where I was going about my life functioning normally on medication, blissfully unaware of what's to come. It wasn't like that for me. My friend made the comment without knowing this. I actually contradicted myself and explained a little in a message back and excused myself for it being a sore subject, brief explanation why. I'll be doing even better when I next see him and will have no problem clarifying the comment.

 

I'm sensing that a big reason people won't give weight to my opinions about doctor drugs in because lots of people know someone who is on something. If I'm being diplomatic, I'll only imply that they are dangerous and ineffective. If I get the bit between my teeth, I'm really lambasting the whole rotten system. My mum takes a thyroid medication and I know enough about it to form the view that it's probably doing more harm than good. I think there's a way to detangle the mess and live a longer and more vital life but not if she doesn't believe. It's really really hard to deal with. So if I'm implying that doctors push dangerous drugs that lead to poorer quality and shorter lifespan, it sounds a bit far fetched but also nobody wants to believe it's true because of the implications for themselves or loved ones.

 

You're totally right about not being able to convince negative and miserable people. I find they are often jealous if they believe you, anyway. I think I'm most bothered about how people see me because it gets in the way of normal behaviour. It's really distracting to talk to someone who is talking to you as if you are somebody else. It's often easier in the moment to adopt a character but that creates problems for the future.

 

I have to be honest about the role my ego plays too. I lack formal discipline but I know what I'm talking about when it comes to mental health. I'm not simply extrapolating from my own experiences, I've spent a lot of time immersed in the subject. The views I have are the product of much consideration and while my conclusions are damning, my analysis does not lack nuance. I can't help being annoyed that my opinion doesn't carry more weight. The more considerate people around me who are supportive in other ways try to steer me away from this subject. They won't entertain it and I don't go into detail about it. I have the sense that they don't think it's healthy to encourage it in any way, because it's not good for me to think like that. Or something. Whereas I believe that they are burying their heads in the sand and it's becoming dangerous to be so unaware in today's culture and society.

 

So I carry on, keep doing my thing. I have a lot of confidence in myself and if people are as fickle as I think, I'll gain a more receptive audience when I reach the top of my game. It's happening, slowly but surely. I really don't mind if I get the odd funny look while I'm trying to figure this out. If I can get through to people on any level, it's worth it.

 

Saying all this, I don't think I'm perfect or that I've got all the answers. I know how it reads and this is part of the problem I'm trying to work through. I haven't always been the most assertive person because of fear of negative judgement. Now I'm better able to handle my ego being bruised, I want to be more assertive, but recognise that this is new territory for me. But the more I practice, the more I see different reactions and the less surprising they are.

 

Life's really good at the moment. I feel spiritually at ease. Happy new year to you LadyDen, and anybody else who might get to the end of this post. Let's hope for a settled 2021.

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I have gotten a self help audiobook, that I am trying to work through. I honestly, could never really use the wisdom in most of these books, while on benzos.  Does anyone else feel like that while on benzos, they lost their internal monologue?  I feel like I have just gained that back, and the ability to hear my thoughts.  Though I still find it very challenging to think or concentrate with a lot of noise going on.  Quiet spots and headphones are my friends. 
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Happy new year to you too Diaz and everyone. I completely agree with you, Diaz. You know what's the most wasted emotion? Worrying! At the end of the day, whatever you worried about will turn out exactly the way it's destined no matter how much you prayed, wished, hoped etc. So this is why I don't worry about what people say or think about me. Guess what? I know what I KNOW and whether they believe it or not is doesn't matter. It does not change what I have been proven as fact. Diaz, if you know something from your research and evidence then who can take it away? We would go mad trying to appease to everyone. I think once you place your focus solely on learning about things that affect you, you'll live your life accordingly. It will be for the better but it's for YOU! If someone else listens then benefits from you sharing it then fine. I agree with you that many people don't want to hear certain things. You know why? Because after acknowledging its validity then that opens the door to change. You'd be surprised to find out how some people are afraid of change even if the change will better them. I'm sure you've seen this mentality most often in elderly people. They want certain items from certain places even if the same item is cheaper at the next store. LOL They do this because for years this is what they did. When someone doesn't want to hear the factual things I've been privileged to know, I simply respect their wishes. Life is too short...especially nowadays...its way too short to get into certain battles. So I pick mine carefully. Everybody that come in and out of our lives has something to offer. Just like I have something to offer. But if it's not received then I'm ok with it. Who am I to think they HAVE to accept it? I've learned the hard way, my friend, to lower my expectations and then I'm not plagued with disappointments. I know this might sound selfish when I say this but....right now my main focus is on bettering my life. I don't have time trying to convince people of things they refuse to look at. And lastly, I feel that most people know these medications are not good for them or will shorten their lifespan. They KNOW!!! How could you take a pill and it makes you sick and you NEVER know? Sadly many people think it's their only option. We live in a world that people trust their doctors every word. I'm not bashing doctors. I'm not saying don't take treatments they advise. But what I am saying is most of them are not quick to try something more natural first. I'm aware in some cases they can't. There's no profit, my friend, in many medical truths. You get my point? I have Native American background. There's SOOOOO many natural treatments with little to no side effects to many ailments including cancer! They're right out there outdoors.

Greencup yes when you've taken benzo one of the main things it effects is cognition. So you have trouble comprehending, conversing and thinking. This makes many things difficult. Reading a book, speaking to people, doing chores etc. also we experience sound sensitivity. Either one makes it tough but having both and trying to focus is almost impossible. It is challenging but don't give up. You're doing the right thing by wearing earplugs or headphones. I wear them too. I hope this improves for you soon. I'm 7 months post jump. This has improved a lot in the past month.

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