5 months off

Hello friends!

 

I am just coming up to 5 months off (signature has details), and I wanted to celebrate this with you despite being in a fairly rough place at the moment. I've been getting counselling sessions and they have helped. I've also embraced the "fake it until you make it" slogan and when I am really rough, there's nothing better than pretending to yourself and everyone else that things are actually not so bad. I really didn't believe that at first- because, brutally, if you want to be cynical (and I am British so yes, of course I want to be cynical), you could say that it's lying to yourself and others about how well you are. But there really seems to be something in it, and I genuinely can't explain why. As a Brit, it also goes completely counter to my naturally cynical nature. There is something a bit New world Optimism about it. OK so sometimes I am very lonely (and in terms of the non-physical symptoms, that's definitely the worst). But I have some big achievements over the last 5 months. I am eating healthier than I was before (not healthy- I have developed some new bad habits- chocolate is the worst!) but fruit and vegetables are a regular thing now. And the real big one is that I am back on my postgraduate studies. The mental stimulation of really understanding the Scientific Method, and then applying it to as many aspects of my life as possible, is fantastic. As someone who's heart was very much (at least for the first 30 plus years on the planet) in the Arts not the Sciences, being able to really nurture a new love of statistical methodology has benefits for my brain that I never expected when I first started off on this course. Don't get me wrong, studying is the biggest struggle ever, post-benzos. I don't think I ever start the day thinking "yeah, feeling great, I am going to bust this today". I start every day feeling rough as a [insert Australian expression of your choice here]. But by focussing on the small stuff- (and for me, that's just trying to remember the formulaes I need to use to analyse predictive validity of some test scores in an experiment!)- I occasionally have the odd day where I look at my diary note for the day and can say- "do you know what? even though I believed I absolutely couldn't when I woke up, I got out of bed and did something."  And those somethings are definitely a lot bigger compared to the somethings of even three months ago.

 

Keep up the good fight, fellow travellers. And really do fake it until you make it.

 

Much love. Jake

Congratulations, Jake. I’m right behind you, and ‘fake it ‘til you make it’ is the name of my game as well. Continued healing and authentic wellness to you.

 

Beauty

Congrats, Jake!  It is good to hear your story of recovery and optimism.  I have gone through this entire journey reminding myself that this is only one day, and I can make that one day happen.  I have refused to let the hard times make me believe that hard times are the new normal.  Most people had no idea I was even struggling.  I faked it.  And I felt better.  Distraction is huge in this process.  Learning anything new helps, too.  I am Canadian.  We are a quiet and non complaining bunch.  I am happy for you.

Congratulations, Jake. I’m right behind you, and ‘fake it ‘til you make it’ is the name of my game as well. Continued healing and authentic wellness to you.

 

Beauty

 

Thanks, Beauty! It's good to hear that you are following a similar route to recovery and from your signature, it looks like you are making great progress too. 👍 Keep on going! 😊

Congratulations on being off five months.  From your signature it appears you had quite a time.  Best of luck with your studies.  Ginger

 

 

Congrats, Jake!  It is good to hear your story of recovery and optimism.  I have gone through this entire journey reminding myself that this is only one day, and I can make that one day happen.  I have refused to let the hard times make me believe that hard times are the new normal.  Most people had no idea I was even struggling.  I faked it.  And I felt better.  Distraction is huge in this process.  Learning anything new helps, too.  I am Canadian.  We are a quiet and non complaining bunch.  I am happy for you.

 

Hello Healing64! Thank you for your kind message and it's good to read that you "refused to let the hard times make me believe that hard times are the new normal." That's a particularly helpful message today, as I have had a really tough day. A real setback, triggered by nothing more than lacking enough energy to make the most of a new opportunity that came along. The wonderful thing about Canadians (I have a Canadian passport but never lived there) is that you are a very happy lot, and it's what every benzo buddy needs! Thank you.

Congratulations on being off five months.  From your signature it appears you had quite a time.  Best of luck with your studies.  Ginger

 

Thanks Ginger! It's been a real tough ride, and whilst I feel that a lot of my earlier problems were of my own making, this one was initially born out of thinking I was making myself better. But it's made me a stronger person mentally, if not physically. Sure, I have limitations to what I can do, but my brain feels a lot more capable of dreaming and being creative. Even if that's limited to being on the sofa some days! Restrictions can bizarrely be liberating if we look at things the right way. 👍😊