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guilt guilt guilt


[he...]

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anyone feel like me? intense guilt over what the drugs have done to their brain as far as thoughts and actions? feelings Qaeda nd such? its hard on this mom
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i am tormented by many things. yes i know i have trauma from this. i went to many drs and "places" that did a great many things to me. But what gets me the most is how bad it got in my brain and how angry i am at peopple who dod nothing. im angry at my kid. im angry, my brain says, bc if it werent for my love for him i wouldnt have let the drs do this to me and i could just go away. i got robbed of my good life bc of drugs and drs not my son. i feel abandoned and betrayed and angry but not by anything he did. ugh i dont even know myself
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[0c...]

Yes! This is something I deal with daily. I get so embarrassed when I think about some of the things I did or even thought.

 

I always wonder how I feel guilt over something nobody even knows. It’s a weird feeling.

With time I have learned to put some of the things behind me but somethings I just can’t seem to get my brain to let go of.

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No one on this thread should feel guilty about anything.  You didn't know when you started taking these drugs how damaging they could be.  You were doing the best that you could and took them because you wanted to feel better.
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ok...deep breath....you're normal. Benzo normal.

 

Guilt is normal, as we often beat ourselves up in this journey. Could of, should of, would of. Part of this is due to the "life review" symptom.

Happy chemicals are messed up right now so thats another part of it. our brains are desperately trying to solve this.

 

But aside from all the chemical/biological reasons, we have to try to fight when we can to reframe our thoughts. It's easy to slide into being drowned by these thoughts of low worth/inadequacy/"failure".

 

You are worth fighting for. You are worth moving forward and having a good life. I read something interesting today,...

 

" You cannot change your past, and your future does not deserve to be punished for it". whoa.

 

Whatever happened, grieve it, but do not unpack your bags and live there. We have a right to be angry, but do not let it rob you of joy.

Many medical ppl really do not know about the dangers of these meds and are truly trying to help us. thats the sad part - no-one to really point the finger at (well...maybe big pharma...).

but instead of putting your precious energy into all that - put it into healing.

We do seem to lose ourselves in this. But we are there. And a new better version of ourselves will emerge from what we've learned/experienced. We will write our future.  And goodness, after surviving this we are going to feel pretty darn invincible.

 

I have days where this crap hits me too. But then I rise from the ashes with some fight and say " Hell no, I am not going down like this".

 

We will rise.

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but trina...the thoughts i have had...the anger at my son when the only thing he did was love me. the things i did...ooooof cant say out of fear of judgement.
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No judgement..many psyche meds turn ppl into someone they are not normally. its ok.

 

As for thoughts.. intrusive thoughts of many kinds..really dark ones - are very common for people in recovery. And even the things you did - Its often the hardest part is to forgive ourselves. As you improve others will see the change. One day you'll be able to have a conversation with them about how the meds changed who you were , and I think you'll find others being able to forgive. Maybe you can find a good therapist to help you work through these things. I have someone I talk to once a month and she is awesome.

 

In my early adult years I was not the person i am now. I lived a completely different lifestyle and I cannot speak on here of the damage I did in other peoples lives. As i later chose a different life, I was blessed to find my husband and have 2 great kids. but some of the old stuff I still had to work through and release myself from the " guilt" of those things. So I get it.

 

But right now its going to be difficult for you to work through it bc your damaged body is trying to heal at the same time. But you can do small things to move in that direction.

 

Can you speak to your son? " I'm sorry for what I said, and I'm sorry for what I did. That wasn't me. I'm working on healing and getting better. I hope we can work this out over time."

 

:smitten:

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oh my son doesnt know the bad stuff...holy smokes if he did.

his brother my stepson did read my messages and knows about the thoughts and will im sure tell my little boy one day but i dont have the bandwidth to handle the potential future actions of a judgmental jerk of a step son who has always hated me. however there are about 1000other things that im not sure i can overcome. it doesnt matter though. ive often said if jesus himself healed me fully i wouldnt know it bc of the aftermath this has left in my life and the ptsd of it. ive got a therapist. funny...this all began bc of a therapist.

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[b8...]

Just remind yourself it’s not you.  You were not suffering like this prior and you will be kinder than you were before benzos.

 

The benzos turned me into a monster.

 

I am Sooooo glad I had this correction in my life.  Yes it was hard...yes I am suffering...yes I am traumatized...but I am certain it has changed me.

 

I would consider myself like a blooming flower, I look Forward to see how beautiful I become.

 

You will get to this place to I promise...pray pray and pray...get in touch with spirit and faith.  Meditate...walk...breathe...

 

Love

Fiercey

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Guilt, guilt, guilt? Yes, yes, yes.  I am guilty because I took those drugs that ruined my life. Doctors prescribed them, but I went to the doctor for anxiety.  I am guilty because my husband has to do practically everything because I can't anymore.  Yes, I understand how you feel.
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