Single Mom young kids with No support... How can I get off huge dose?

Hi,

 

Help... kindness please. Advice! I tried to come off Ativan 2 years ago. I failed. I got so sick and the first sxs first hit me with two kids in the backseat of my car on the highway in car seats. I am a single Mon with zero support system. I got terrified I was going to crash. I was microdosing it but still got sick three weeks into my taper. I reinstated and felt fine as I had barely cut. But became terrified to quit while being the mother, provider, and 50% guardian of two young children I love very much.

 

So I’m in the same place since 2016. A HUGE dose of 10 mg Lorazepam taken in 2 mgs x 5 times a day. (I started in 2013 at 2 mg until 2016 to 10 mg and held there)

 

I have a compounding pharmacy make these pills for me in pure form powder because I could not adapt to any another generic when my brand was distcontinued - Mylan.

 

I went on them because of severe multiple chemical sensitivities and it worked wonderfully.

 

But I would love to heal from these drugs. But as a single mom, how in the world can I ever get off these pills.  My young children depend on me. I’ve read so many horror stories at this point and am afraid I would lose my children if I got too sick. My children are my life.

 

Any recommendations?  Wait till kids are grown? Twenty year taper? I don’t know what to do. 😰

Tara x

So sorry to hear you’re tribulations. I have a two year old but I also have a very loving and understanding husband. When I have bad days and can’t move he picks up the slack and 100% takes care of our son and orders dinner so I don’t have to cook. You can use other things to desensitize your nervous system while you taper but that will just get you dependent on another medication. I used gabapentin for rapid Ativan taper but coming off of gabapentin was horrid!  I would suggest just doing a VERY slow and long benzo taper. I’ve seen a lot of people on here do it. I wish I would’ve, instead of adding the gabapentin in the mix. If it takes you 20 years then so be it, as long as you are functional and slowly healing at the same time. That’s my opinion, from my experience with using a different drug to help get off of one.

Thank you so much for writing. I don’t have a husband obviously, but I do date. If I do a taper of any kind I lose the possibility of losing being able to care for my kids, working to provide for them and our home, even the possibility to try and date.

 

It seems so dangerous. The risk of not taking care of my kids scares the sh*t out of me.

 

Has anyone done a ten year taper? I mean that would even be 1 mg a year that doesn’t seem that slow. When your on such a mega dose the recovery seems so far away...

 

Anyone do a 20 year or ridiculously long taper. I’ve been reading about really long tapers at daily micro dosing. Since my drug is made for me at a compounding pharmacy and already 5 times a day, it is set up to measure (kind of ) easily for me.

 

You’re so lucky you had a husband to help you. 

I’ve seen people on this forum having been on a taper from a smaller daily dose than you for 5 years now and still in the process of tapering. It all depends on your body and how it adjusts. Obviously talk it over with your doctor first. But it’s ultimately your decision to do. I know how hard it can be to go through withdrawal and try to care for a child.  My husband goes with n call for work sometimes, so sometimes even during bad waves I have to care for our son by myself if he gets called. And it’s sooooo rough. I couldn’t imagine having to do it day in and day out of a bad wave.

Maybe you could start by microtapering one mg.  Start small.  Your body will adjust.  Have you become tolerant to this high of  a dose yet?  When was the last time you had to updose, which brought you up to your current dose? 

 

I have not gone up since APRIL 2016. At that date I went from 8 mgs to 10 mgs. And have felt pretty good.

 

I started Lorazepam in 2013 at 2 mg from my doctor. Every year I seemed to go up until I moved away from my doc (who has now passed) and am now held on 10 mg.

 

I am now starting having problems waking up early as my body wants that morning dose earlier. (sometimes if I take it earlier enough I go to sleep and wake up in the middle of the night to take a dose) this way I have been getting decent sleep, but it doesn't always work --Like I will be really tired and not wake up the middle of the night to take that dose. Or I take it in the middle of the night and still can't go back to sleep.

Maybe you could start by microtapering one mg.  Start small.  Your body will adjust.  Have you become tolerant to this high of  a dose yet?  When was the last time you had to updose, which brought you up to your current dose?

 

What do you think would be a good micro taper of 1 mg?  I am so nervous about caring for my children that I am taking an Excel sheet of 10% down a month, 5% down a month, and 2.5% down a month.  I only got through 10% this morning but that was 6 years - But I would be happy with that -- I'm even nervous that 10% down a month might be too fast and I might experience some symptoms.  But if it keeps me happy, feeling decent, and feeling well enough to be a great mom to my children and be able to work to support us... maybe a ten year or longer taper is the way to go?

 

 

Does your insurance cover any at home caretakers?

Do you have a relative or friend who can come over and check on you guys or even live with you?

Could you hire a baby sitter or join a church group to come help take care of the kids if symptoms get worse?

Hi IamtheLight

 

First thing to know is that you can def taper and heal.  It does seem far away, I know.  But all you have to do is the first thing.  Which is choose and make a plan.  That is all you have to think about to begin.  The rest will follow.  Try not to count the days into the future.

 

The challenges along the way will be there.  Raising children, jobs, life.  It has to be accepted.  So your plan needs to include that you have to function on the way to being benzo free.  You also need to accept that there will be symptoms, sometimes really unpleasant.  Acceptance is a huge part of successful tapers.

 

You have a compound pharmacy and are relatively stable at 10 mgs.  Okay.  Do not increase that dose, no matter what.  The goal is to reduce and not increase.  The other thing to do is take your doses at close to the same times all the time.  Taking a dose early because you feel you need it suggests that some tolerance is occurring.  Please try not to give in to that.

 

You can micro dose or reduce just one dose by as little as 2%.  This will encourage you and you will recognize that you have begun your taper.  Hold the reduction at least 10 days and even up to a month.  You may have some symptoms, but they will pass.  The taper needs to be not more than 10% of the entire daily dose (not each dose), and at least 10 days until you reduce again.  Each time you reduce, take it off the new reduced dose, not the start dose.  Choose the dose that you think is most likely to succeed.  This is not a race.  Aim for success, not for speed.  So you can reduce as little as you like, or up to 10%.  You can hold 10 days or a month, or even longer.  It's your taper and you can decide what works best for you.  As long as you can continue to get the meds for the duration of the taper. 

 

Expect symptoms.  You just have to accept this part.  You can calm symptoms.

 

The time you had symptoms hit you while driving, what amount had you reduced?  If you reduce a small amount, it will be easier.

 

I hope you choose to get benzo free.  You will thank yourself.

 

Have faith.

 

 

I'm so thankful that you guys have written. I am pretty alone here.

 

Several hurdles:

1) I do not have insurance of any kind. I got divorced 2 years ago and my X husband is already engaged.  I had great insurance my entire life but this happens to be the first time I do not.  My insurance ended almost a year ago.  I'm studying to get my real estate license now. That is a huge goal.  (I've been in the industry a while) And have a job ready hen I pass the test, but it is commission only NO INSURANCE.

 

2) I got on Benzos because of a serious illness in 2013. I am from NYC and was told I could never move back to pollution, therefore moved to Florida. I do not have ANY relatives down here except an uncle who is even to afraid to visit us because I have children and he is afraid of the COVID virus from them.  But that being said, he isn't exactly a nurse type. Because of custody issues, I am not allowed to move 20 miles away from my X - which means Florida is my home (which is ok, I love being near the beach!)

 

3) I don't have a lot of friends.  As I haven't been down here long, I have found it very hard to make strong relationships.  I have some friends, but I don't know them to the level that I could ask them this.

 

4) I can not afford a babysitter, I am in debt since the COVID hit and I lost my job.  I am hoping to make some money once I get my license, but I expect to be about 6 months without an income.  Right now I am living off child support and alimony -which doesn't cover the bills fully and all my credit cards (which never had a balance in the past) are maxed out.

 

Sorry I don't want to be a downer. I have a wonderful life in Florida and feel very blessed even with my challenges.  When I was sick I could have lost my life, so I look at each day as a blessing that I breathe.  I just wished I had a PERSON to support me during this taper.  I feel guilty to join a church for the wrong reasons of finding help with childcare if I get sick.

 

To Healing64.  I am ready for symptoms as I really do want to get off.  That is not my fear - my fear is just about supporting and taking care of my kids alone and being able to be well enough to be a great mom. They don't deserve anything but the best from me, and my 100% worry is if I cant not take care of them.

 

 

 

Hi IamtheLight

 

First thing to know is that you can def taper and heal.  It does seem far away, I know.  But all you have to do is the first thing.  Which is choose and make a plan.  That is all you have to think about to begin.  The rest will follow.  Try not to count the days into the future.

 

The challenges along the way will be there.  Raising children, jobs, life.  It has to be accepted.  So your plan needs to include that you have to function on the way to being benzo free.  You also need to accept that there will be symptoms, sometimes really unpleasant.  Acceptance is a huge part of successful tapers.

 

You have a compound pharmacy and are relatively stable at 10 mgs.  Okay.  Do not increase that dose, no matter what.  The goal is to reduce and not increase.  The other thing to do is take your doses at close to the same times all the time.  Taking a dose early because you feel you need it suggests that some tolerance is occurring.  Please try not to give in to that.

 

You can micro dose or reduce just one dose by as little as 2%.  This will encourage you and you will recognize that you have begun your taper.  Hold the reduction at least 10 days and even up to a month.  You may have some symptoms, but they will pass.  The taper needs to be not more than 10% of the entire daily dose (not each dose), and at least 10 days until you reduce again.  Each time you reduce, take it off the new reduced dose, not the start dose.  Choose the dose that you think is most likely to succeed.  This is not a race.  Aim for success, not for speed.  So you can reduce as little as you like, or up to 10%.  You can hold 10 days or a month, or even longer.  It's your taper and you can decide what works best for you.  As long as you can continue to get the meds for the duration of the taper. 

 

Expect symptoms.  You just have to accept this part.  You can calm symptoms.

 

The time you had symptoms hit you while driving, what amount had you reduced?  If you reduce a small amount, it will be easier.

 

I hope you choose to get benzo free.  You will thank yourself.

 

Have faith.

 

The time I was driving I was tapering for about 3 weeks. I was cutting pills at the time.  (now my compounding pharmacy makes a powder form in a capsule - which will be a lot easier to measure.)

 

I was cutting off a 1/8 of 1 pill a day.  But the cut was never exact because the pills broke apart and some cutes were bigger some were smaller. It was very sloppy. So who knows what happened.  But when I was driving I was extremely sure I was dying, I have had panic attacks, but this was more than that. It was extreme psychosis on tope of extreme panic.  I could barely see the highway in the night and breathe.  I prayed the entire time until Io got home.

The driving incident occurred because you were cutting way too much and way too fast. 

 

Reduce much smaller amounts. Much much.

 

You can join a church for any reason at all.  Try not to judge yourself so hard. You have a right to comfort, companionship and support.

 

Start by making a plan and working on getting some kind of support.  Perhaps reduce just a very tiny amount to begin.  So you can feel that you have indeed begun.

 

You are stronger than you think.

I looked into the church I had started to go to before COvid -- they are still not back in service, but have online sermons.  I Amy try and get back into it.

 

OK... the next three months I will make it a goal to find some type of support... although not sure ho to go about that beside church above.

Hi IamtheLight,

 

First, I am completely new here and have yet to begin my taper off of Klonipin.  One thing that is discussed in other advice on tapers is to see if you can transition to a benzo that has a longer half life in your system. That way, when you taper, the symptoms don't hit so hard.  More experienced friends, is this an option for her?

 

I was stuck on 1mg of Ativan for 9 months, and it had already become hell. They transitioned me to Klonipin for exactly that reason - lasts longer in your system. I was taking .5 Ativan 2x/day like clockwork, and I was having the WORST symptoms of withdrawal, every day. It stopped helping with my panic. In fact, it increased it.  I understand the HELL that Ativan (and all benzos) can be. But even as a single mom with little support, I know that all of us, with a slow enough taper, can do it.

 

Read some of the success stories. They will give you hope

I'm not so worried about that as I take Ativan 5 times a day. I have read a lot about half-life over the years and am well aware the Ashton manual moves users over to Valium just for that reason.

 

Because I take it 5 times a day --This helps me avoid the inter-dose withdrawal.  The only time I can see it being an issue is towards the end of my taper which is years away. I am looking at a ridiculously slow taper... like ten years.

 

MY MAIN concern is having zero support from a partner or friend when I have two young kids and can not afford serious side affects.  That is why I am planning to go slower than anyone in history. I see this as the only way? I don't know what to do - I have to take care of young children and work for all of us. Being very sick is not an option. My soul cant afford to lose my kids.

I’ve seen people on this forum having been on a taper from a smaller daily dose than you for 5 years now and still in the process of tapering. It all depends on your body and how it adjusts. Obviously talk it over with your doctor first. But it’s ultimately your decision to do. I know how hard it can be to go through withdrawal and try to care for a child.  My husband goes with n call for work sometimes, so sometimes even during bad waves I have to care for our son by myself if he gets called. And it’s sooooo rough. I couldn’t imagine having to do it day in and day out of a bad wave.

 

Hi - I'm very interested in people doing these micro tapers.  Do you know how much they go down on average when they drop?

You can post that question in one of the forum boards. I’m sure people will reach out with information on it. When you go to the home page there is a list of variety of topics. One I believe is even called “Taper Plans”. People on this site are most helpful I have found. Plenty of people will try to help you with your micro taper. I unfortunately can not because like I stated previously I did a rapid taper.

The only thing to do is to make the decision to taper and then dive in. I waited a year before I actually got started because it never seemed like the right time. Finally I got started and I’m getting pretty far along now. I would suggest that you go much slower than I have. I don’t have kids and am not working. I think if you micro taper you could take a few years and I think you’ll find that you can manage.

 

Once you are tapering, you get used to side effects and learn how to manage them. You may find that you don’t have a lot of side effects if you go very slowly.

The only thing to do is to make the decision to taper and then dive in. I waited a year before I actually got started because it never seemed like the right time. Finally I got started and I’m getting pretty far along now. I would suggest that you go much slower than I have. I don’t have kids and am not working. I think if you micro taper you could take a few years and I think you’ll find that you can manage.

 

Once you are tapering, you get used to side effects and learn how to manage them. You may find that you don’t have a lot of side effects if you go very slowly.

 

THAT IS WHAT I AM HOPING... if I go at slower then a snail's pace, my kids won't see a bed bound mama for several years and I can take care of them as per usual. I found your tapering schedule interesting.  Did you have a lot off sxs?

Yes, I have had a lot of symptoms but it’s definitely doable. My taper schedule is different than some. I did big cuts at first because I didn’t know better. They caught up with me and I had to slow down. I also like to hold for a month between cuts to help me stabilize. 

Yes, I have had a lot of symptoms but it’s definitely doable. My taper schedule is different than some. I did big cuts at first because I didn’t know better. They caught up with me and I had to slow down. I also like to hold for a month between cuts to help me stabilize. 

 

That is exactly my plan... only cut once a month! I love that idea. I see I’m looking at an unusually long taper, but if I can still be a great mom it will be worth it. It’s better that being stagnant and being on it another ten years. I’m looking to cut between 2.5% and 5% a month. It may very well take me over a decade at 10 mgs of lorazepam, but until my kids are out of high school (they just started elementary), I need to do what is best for them as well for me.