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I can’t keep this up


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Today I have had lightheadedness when standing

Weakness and fatigue

My ear is pounding

Internal vibrating

No appetite

I can feel my heartbeat - it’s knocking through my chest and driving me insane

I am so fatigued, can’t even clean my house

 

I was great a month ago.

I had great moments yesterday. Even last night I had a wave of calmness.

This morning I am shit.

I cannot keep this up. I’ve been crying and praying all day

I’m almost to the full 3 year mark of this.

This is the worst wave I’ve been in for months

 

 

My mind is back 100%. So I’m finally fully aware of what’s going on. I think it’s making the physical symptoms worse, to be mentally present and watch my body struggle.

 

I’m scared my body will give out.

I’m so tired of this. I can’t do this anymore.

 

I’ve had beautiful windows only to have to be put back into this? This is torture.

I need my prayers to work. I have never needed to get better throughout all of this I have never complained

 

But I am at my breaking point. I cannot do this anymore

Not like I have another option. I’m a mom and won’t leave my babies. But my spirit is broken today. I need a break from this. Please god

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Hi Meganz,

 

You're really having your ups and downs lately, aren't you? I can relate to your frustration. The things that are bothering me most are a sometimes roaring tinnitus and the lack of sleep unless I use cannabis, which I don't want to rely on. The fatigue too. I had a busy day today, compared to my usual level of activity, and I'm completely shattered. I haven't even done that much, just a couple of hours of walking and more interacting with others than usual.

 

Crying is good for you. Cry if that's what you need to do! I really think it's just a case of your body catching up with the rate of your psychological healing.

 

Keep going because when this is over, you'll be stronger than you've ever been  ;)

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Oh, Meganz, I hate reading this as you have been so much better lately, and your posts have actually been very inspirational for me.  This rollercoaster is hell on wheels, and can drive the strongest of men and women to doubt their own sanity :tickedoff:

 

I had a really good day yesterday, but probably overdid and made the mistake of tasting a couple sips of white wine.  Today back in bed with horrible headache.  Learned my lesson for sure, and will not even look at any type of alcoholic for a long, long time.

 

Did you overdue yesterday for the holiday?  Whether you are a BB or not, preparing a Thanksgiving meal can cause anyone to totally collapse the next day.  And, I think you have a young child, too, which is very hands on and time consuming.

 

We have tomorrow and the promise of a better day.....let’s hang in together :smitten:

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Megan I’ve been reading some of ur posts lately and the one thing I can say for certain is u are incredibly brave and u should be so proud of urself. I’m a mum too and I’ve been sick for 2 years now, and I’m not even off yet. I am in tears right now wondering how I’m going to get thru the day (3 kids running them around all day) but I know I’ll get thru it because like u said we have no other option. We are mother warriors and I really believe that. This is so hard. Don’t give up. I wish I could give u a big hug right now. I sure could use one too xx
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Today I have had lightheadedness when standing

Weakness and fatigue

My ear is pounding

Internal vibrating

No appetite

I can feel my heartbeat - it’s knocking through my chest and driving me insane

I am so fatigued, can’t even clean my house

 

I was great a month ago.

I had great moments yesterday. Even last night I had a wave of calmness.

This morning I am shit.

I cannot keep this up. I’ve been crying and praying all day

I’m almost to the full 3 year mark of this.

This is the worst wave I’ve been in for months

 

 

My mind is back 100%. So I’m finally fully aware of what’s going on. I think it’s making the physical symptoms worse, to be mentally present and watch my body struggle.

 

I’m scared my body will give out.

I’m so tired of this. I can’t do this anymore.

 

I’ve had beautiful windows only to have to be put back into this? This is torture.

I need my prayers to work. I have never needed to get better throughout all of this I have never complained

 

But I am at my breaking point. I cannot do this anymore

Not like I have another option. I’m a mom and won’t leave my babies. But my spirit is broken today. I need a break from this. Please god

 

 

 

 

 

I am so sorry you are still going through this after 3 years.

 

You have always been so kind to me and I wish I had something to help in return.

 

I do understand the increased awareness that happens, and I think that might be part of why I feel so much worse too.

 

You have been so strong and have stayed positive, and I have no doubt that will help you through the wave you are in.

 

I remember that Baylissa wrote she had her worst wave  just before she was finally healed.

 

I do hope that this is the case for you and it will finally leave and let you live you life fully again with yourfamily

 

sending you lots of healing wishes

 

Jen

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Meganz,

 

I have the same thing high heart rate, BP high, light headed, internal tremors buzzing all over. Fatigue so extreme I cannot walk into the kitchen to wash dishes. Went to the Er Wednesday and Primary doctor today and they say everything is good.

 

I know my cortisol is triple what it should be but darn!

I am almost 35 months off also and hope this is the final hurdle.

 

Hang in there! How is your sleep?

 

PG

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Oh Meganz:

 

I'm so sorry!!

 

Those symptoms sound a bit like POTS?

 

I've had that even before I used the benzo, but they've been exacerbated since.

 

I wear full length compression stockings, make sure you drink enough water and get enough electrolytes.

 

PG:

 

I'm definitely dealing with similar things to you and I'm not even off yet.

Make sure you drink lots and get enough electrolytes.

 

This is such a long battle for both of you, I'm sorry!!

 

I can only look to you both, as I start my journey!

 

WinnieDog

 

 

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Win,

 

My heart rate doesn’t skyrocket when I stand. It’s not POTS. But thanks anyway ;(

Imagining there’s something wrong besides for basic wd terrifies me. I’ve been checked by so many doctors

 

The lightheaded when standing is new. I don’t understand and it’s making me cry and making my hypochondria so bad....

 

I’ve been drinking and eating more than ever, so it’s not from lack of nutrients.

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Oh Meganz:

 

I'm so sorry!!

 

Those symptoms sound a bit like POTS?

 

I've had that even before I used the benzo, but they've been exacerbated since.

 

I wear full length compression stockings, make sure you drink enough water and get enough electrolytes.

 

PG:

 

I'm definitely dealing with similar things to you and I'm not even off yet.

Make sure you drink lots and get enough electrolytes.

 

This is such a long battle for both of you, I'm sorry!!

 

I can only look to you both, as I start my journey!

 

WinnieDog

 

WinnieDog you may have a point because my HR increases when I stand. I also have very high cortisol especially in the mornings. Thanks for the advice.

 

PG

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Hey girl - keep your perspective:) - you have been doing phenomenal lately!!! This is just a bump in the road - and it probably feels more vicious bc you've been doing so well.

 

You have made huge improvements. You will not die - you know those are benzo lies. This has been one hell of a long journey for you - but it is not over.

As in you are not finished "throw in the towel". You will ride this out to have a beautiful life with your partner and beautiful child. You are young and have so much to offer. So many of your posts have been a ray of light for so many on here.

 

I can empathize..yesterday I pulled off a holiday dinner - today is completely different if you know what I mean. I've had to preach" to myself all day.

 

We got this. You got this. If it has passed before it will again. :smitten:

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I'm sorry you are struggling - as a mom I know how hard it is to face the day when you are scared and feel horrible but have to put on a show not to scare your kids. I too was having a great couple of days and then I overdid it and got sick with a cold which sent me head on into a whole round of symptoms I have never had before. Last night I was up every 15 minutes in a state of panic because I thought I was paralyzed and today I am having a hard time moving my limbs. I know it is the benzo withdrawal but it is so hard when it is so incredibly scary and you think you are going to be like this forever. I think I make myself worse when I start to freak out about feeling bad. It's like a bad cycle. But as all the others said, you are strong and you will survive and get better. I know it in my heart - we will all be okay. Keep praying and being strong.
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Thanks ladies for the positivity. I’m not going to lie, all the comments are making me cry. In a good way. Even Winnie piecing POTS together for PG was so kind. You’re all so kind.

 

I know it’s not my BP either. I just checked, it’s 112/80. My HR was only 120 and I’d just ran down the stairs.

 

This is pure benzo WD for me. Thank you all for reminding me I can push forward and be hope for others again. I will get through this and come back with a positive post when it’s over.

 

I might just cry a lot and pray a lot until then.

I don’t even know how to thank you all for the encouragement. Especially you other mamas. You get it. You get me. There are no words. I’m grieving for you that youre going through this. I promise to be a source of hope soon. I pray to god I’m almost on the other side of this.

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Meganz:  Honestly, you have encouraged me more than anyone else on this forum.  I am praying for you!!!  You will get through this!  If you can't believe that right now, we are all believing it for you! 
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hey, you CAN keep this up. Try forcing yourself to have some water. It will make a world of difference. I';ve been there, you don't want to eat or drink, it's the last thing you want, but a good trick is:

 

1) take a plastic waterbottle

2) use a pen to pojke a hole in it

3) keep the lid on and use it like a sippycup

 

it is relaxing and less overwhelming than drinking water. trust me. you'll be okay<3

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The is Julius and Dec!!!

 

 

I can do this. I will be a source of hope again.

I’ve read other buddies having big waves before their final healing and I’m hoping this is mine

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Meganz you are almost there! Hang on! I’m so sorry for your struggles today, I am right there with you. I’ve spent the entire day in bed, sobbing, wishing I could be present for my kids and fearing the future... BUT you’ve done the work! You will overcome this! This struggle is temporary and will pass! Praying for you, you’re not alone in this 💗
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I am 3.5 years off and in my worst wave in over a year after some stress, I’m happy you have your mind back because my symptoms are all mental and total torture. I know that we will heal and that the worst waves happen right before you heal.
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Oh margs...

My heart is breaking for you. You are such a strong mama. You can do this.

 

Bean....

How has the last year been for you besides for this wave?

 

 

Wanted to update you all that this is a roller coaster for me. Right  now in this moment....I feel almost high, euphoric. My symptoms are ALL GONE.

They’ll probably be back. But I haven’t had this much peace in years. So today’s torture brought this window of peace. Will let you know how long it lasts....

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I had a bad week in January of this year when I went with my husband on a vacation, severe dizziness and a fatigue it lasted two weeks I would say but gradually improving and had a pretty decent year and could do more, the mental stuff got way easier but still lurked a bit and got bad right before my period but stress really set this wave off I caught my husband being unfaithful and he blamed me going through withdrawal to justify it and it just broke me and confirmed all of my dark fears and doubts about myself, it was a dark month and I just became very sick again. Hoping for total healing
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I’m glad you’re here beans!! I’m so sorry that happened to you....we are all here to support you and I’m so glad you joined.

 

 

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Thank you meganz, I am heartbroken and the stress has caused my period to be delayed and my pms is always what makes symptoms much worse, I am struggling to survive each day and I feel like giving up. I am a very positive person usually but I am just a mess, I’m so happy to hear your wave broke, I am praying that once my period starts I will feel better. I hope to gosh it comes today (sorry for the TMI)
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How do I convince myself I’m not just going to die from this

My brain tells me that my body will just quit

 

Hello Girli !

I am not going to say how sorry I am because that just makes you cry, as you said. I will try to give advice that, if followed, will make you feel better. So, can you do the following: when you get scared from any new or old symptoms, when you believe you are going to die just say! So what ?". It is an honorable way to go, anyway. You are fighting, you gave it your best. Can you try to do that and really mean it ? Only when you accept your life, regardless of your good days, your bad days, you will start feeling normal. Fatigue comes and goes, who knows how you will feel tonight or tomorrow. But today is only once and you have to live it. Please try to say " it is still me" and really mean it! I guarantee you will never look back.

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[7a...]

Heyyyyy girllll

 

Gosh the emotional roller coaster.  I know this ride all too well.  Find comfort in knowing that it is temporary and we are all in this fight together.  You’re always a source of positivity and hope, like a bright shining star.  You’re okay, we are okay, God has our backs.  🙏

 

Virtual hugs 🤗

 

Love

Fiercey

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