Feeling pretty down

I’m 1 month off from jump. And it’s been nothing short of a rough road. The prior months of trying to get off and trying diff medication have added to the nightmare. Feeling like I really messed up here. I don’t have it in my history log, but in 2014 I was on Lexapro for a short stint due to postpartum anxiety. Then later Paxil for maybe a couple years just to keep stress at bay. Was free from Paxil since summer 2017.

 

I’m really worried from those passed meds and the craziness of summer trying different meds have really left some major damage. My condition is wearing on those around me. And the hopelessness of ever getting better is really heavy. I feel like I ruined my life. I’m not even far off and the daunting thought that this can take a much longer  is really getting to me.. the thought of protracted withdrawal makes me feeling ill. I find strength in the positivity in a lot of the posts here, but I’m consumed with fea of never getting better. This is A LOT.

 

 

Wow!  Do NOT let your mind take you to these dark places.  Your only job right now is to endure this misery and know that sooner or later all will be well.  This fear and hopelessness is all part of what we have to deal with.  It is horrible but don't give in to it.  Yep, easier said than done but sadly that's the situation.  AAARGH!!!!  I feel for you but eventually you'll be all better.   

Lexlu, I feel exactly the same today... scared, overwhelmed, regretful of my choice to take the drug, grief over the life I had before this.... BUT.. I re-read my journal today, and there were enough better days in there to tell me the truth: I WILL HEAL! And so will you! This is the hardest, most uncomfortable thing I’ve ever done... I miss being my boys’ ‘best mom ever’ and my husband’s best friend. It’s wearing on all of them too. But this process is out of our control, so try to be kind to yourself and just give it some time. At 1 month off I panicked too. It was then followed by a couple weeks of lighter symptoms. Sending you big hugs.

Thanks to both of you guys... mornings have been so dreadful for me.

 

Marwegs- thanks for being a light when your struggle is just as real.

It’s hard not to go back and go over the regrets of taking this horrid pill. My family says not to go back, and to just go forward.. but the Benzo lies feel so reaL and are extremely intense. But feelings change... even over the course of the day. Benzo wd is wildly not fun. I couldn’t make this stuff up.

That’s probably my biggest struggle not being able to be the loving attentive mother I was once to my boys, they are everything to me. And of course my husband as well.. praying healing happens quickly for us both.  You’re right .. I need to be kind to myself, it’s easy to beat yourself up. But this to shall pass.

 

Hugs to you too !

Oh, Lexlu, I so get it! It’s like a switch that goes on and off throughout the day... one moment, the idea of even one more day of this mental and physical discomfort makes me feel hopeless, the next, I’m pushing through and able to have better perspective. I’m realizing, this is totally an injured brain trying to heal!

I am with you about being an attentive mother. My boys are 14 and 12, and although they desire more independent time, I miss just the ability to be mentally present! How old are your boys?

Do you keep a journal? I never have until I started tapering, and I have to say, reading back over the past 6 weeks, gives me some perspective. I went back to work (mainly from home) on November 1st, and have even gone into the office a few times for a few hours for meetings. Today, I CANNOT wrap my head around how I did that! But I did, which means it will happen again. This is the line of thinking that is literally saving me right now.... along with my faith, prayer and some really consistent friends who let me be real and messy and broken!

Right ?! My mornings I’m wailing .. life as I know it is over. Then I come too bb for comfort. The the switch happens and I’m like ‘okay okay you’re fine, keep going’.  What a roller coaster..

 

My boys are 9,7, and almost 3. The older 2 are as independent as they can be, (lots of screen time and Cereal- which sucks, but trying to survive) but my little one needs lots of attention still.. he’s a snuggler. They have been getting extra kisses. Smelling their heads is a grounding technique I’ve been using lol.

Yes I have a couple journals going. A gratitude and prayer one. And one I was using while titrating and rating my days. I’ve kind of fallen off from journaling ...need to get back on it.

That’s great you’ve went back to work! Good distraction. I’m a sahm and find it very  encouraging  with parents working going through wd. That’s major. Kudos to you 

Isn’t amazing what we can do some days.. and then the next day not being able to  fathom how we went about doing it.  My memory has been wrecked .. but I do have to pull them out to remind myself  as well that I can be functioning.

Same faith, prayer, and the support of those around me... including the lovely people on bb like yourself. Are you a Christian ?  I am, and boy has this situation brought me to my knees.

You are speaking my experience, almost exactly.

My boys are doing way more screen time, and I’m always feeling guilty about it... counsellor says ‘you’re going through wd in a pandemic... don’t worry about the screens! Are they loved? Eating? Still socializing with you? They will be fine’. This reassurance has helped me surrender. I imagine your 3 year old is being greatly filled by those extra snuggles. That’s what he will remember!

I chose my career (graphic designer) so I could still be a sahm while working from home. I managed it for many years this way, but it burned me out. Trying to find balance is hard. I decided to give up my director’s position during withdrawal, and went back to reduced hours to make it manageable. I work for my church, and they have been very supportive.

I am a Christian, and this too has tested my faith. The times I do best are when I’m mentally present enough to feel connected to God. On my hard days, it’s easy to believe that He has left me.... but those are lies, and I have friends that reminds me of the truth. My one friend said to me, ‘Maria, Jesus is so close to you, you are in his beard!’.... HA! I love that image.

I’ll keep you in my prayers, and ask Him to carry us when we feel too weak or discouraged to continue. He will make a way... 💕

Oh that’s a good way to look at it.. thanks for your therapists input ! I know one of our symptoms is major guilt. So sometimes the mom/wife guilt can play with our minds heavily. 

Oh yes .. he’s my baby. Scrumptious to say the least. He must not grow anymore !!

You sound like a hard working momma ! amazing that your church is so supportive.. that’s the perfect place to work for in times like these.

What a blessing to be surrounded by people of faith, so important. I am too, and am so thankful.. we need as many prayer warriors we can get, power in numbers.  You’re friend is so funny... hehe.. and she’s right !! In those heavy moments He does seem far. But in those moments of clarity it’s easy to see that He’s near and always working, so comforting.

I always have to remind myself that I must be smarter than my feelings and emotions, because feelings change and God doesn’t. I’ve been reading a lot in psalms and can relate so much to David. And heard a radio special on Job today. Read Max Lucados ‘you will get through this ‘ this last week really good. Trying to feed my brain the word cause that’s our weapon ! 

Have you read passions success story ? It’s one of my favorites. Wonderful testimony. 

Thank you Maria !! I will pray for you too, the joy of the Lord is our strength 

Lexlu: the first few months can be so...rough. White knuckling it kinda rough. Negativity and despair and fear hits like tsunami.

 

But...I was on Lexapro for 8 years - it stopped working. I was then thrown on 14 different meds over 7 months (including benzos). They then gave me ect. So here I am 9 months from my benzo jump completely med free.....I have had windows. So don't think you are hopeless bc if I can have windows and glimpses of healing....theres def hope for you!

 

We are fearfully and wonderfully made - we are a intricate and complicated creation. The way our bodies were made to work is complex. Chemicals and structures are trying to regroup and heal. The body needs time and self care. 

Thank you Trina for calming my fears.

That’s right, fearfully and wonderfully made 

Trina, tsunami is right... you always are such a comfort, using the vulnerability of your story to encourage others . Thank you. 💗

 

Lexlu, thanks for the recommendations, I was actually looking at getting the Mac Lucafo book...

I just finished ‘Get out of your head’ by Jennie Allen... it’s perfect for what we are going through. I highly recommend it. Explains the intricacy of our brains from a Godly perspective. It has so many ‘aha’ moments.

Peace be upon you!

Marwegs ! So funny ! I bought jennny Allen’s book ‘get out of your head’ when this all first started ... great book.. I like how she used a bit of CBT with a Christian perspective. Did lots of highlighting and note taking .. her story was very inspiring.

Trina, tsunami is right... you always are such a comfort, using the vulnerability of your story to encourage others . Thank you. 💗

 

Lexlu, thanks for the recommendations, I was actually looking at getting the Mac Lucafo book...

I just finished ‘Get out of your head’ by Jennie Allen... it’s perfect for what we are going through. I highly recommend it. Explains the intricacy of our brains from a Godly perspective. It has so many ‘aha’ moments.

Peace be upon you!

 

Hey I literally just bought that book! lol

Trina you’re going to really like it, it  took me just 2 days to read it.  I’ll probably reread it... since it’s been a little while. I also bought  the study guide to go along with it but yet to start it. Any other book recommendations from you guys ?

I just started the Lifeway Women Workbook, ‘Advent: The weary world rejoices’.

Thinking that this is what I need right now... the first being HOPE.