I might need serious psychological help

Ive been off benzos for 7 months. I've been using kratom to help calm me down.

 

I've been trapped in my head for so long I think it's going to kill me. I woke up one day and tried to calm myself by saying positive things to myself. Then I overthought. I overthink and wondered what if my own voice turns against me. My brain took that and ran with it and it said something mean to me.

 

Tonight, I was shaving my face and I thought about the concept of overthinking. I overthought about overthinking and I got into this state where what if I will never feel good again because I might be feeling good and then I'll overthink it. I might feel okay and then give myself an intrusive thought or overthink about the concept of overthinking. It drove me absolutely mad.

 

I'm afraid of my own brain and my own self now. I can't let myself be. I overthink everything. I feel like overthinking can lead someone to suicide or madness. I had to take more kratom to calm myself. I would have been in the ER bouncing off the fucking walls with anxiety and them staring at me like I'm insane. I might be now.

 

I'm really afraid that not only is my mind completely fried from drugs, the fact that I am an overthinker and can't get out of my own head will be the death of me. I'm really lost. I know I am not a bad person and I cry out asking why this is happening to me. I thought I was doing the right thing by getting off benzos. But here I am, I can't let myself be. I feel like I'm one of those unfortunate people who just needs something to turn their brain off and stop ruminating.

 

I have been ruminating in my own mind the last 3 or 4 days. I have no flow. I can't engage with life or people around me and I'm just stuck with myself and my thoughts about my life. I can be feeling good and hopeful and sometimes I will just have a bad thought pop in my head and instead of letting it go it demolishes me. Sometimes I can let it go, sometimes I can't.

 

This overthinking thing has me really worried. I overthink about everything now. Like a form of self sabotage. I'm really sad cause I put all this work and time and sacrifice into getting off these things and now here I am. An absolute nut case. I almost went and checked myself in tonight to tell them I think I am insane and I have lost my mind. I still might do it. A normal person would probably laugh at this and think I'm just a fucking nutcase. Maybe I am. I know rationally and logically how stupid this is but the anxiety in me doesn't care and gets out of control. I'm really afraid of my own brain now.

 

You're definitely not alone. I don't know if I'm correct, but I think this is a Klonopin thing. I went through the exact same thing as you are experiencing now. It comes back in waves. Like word for word. It's like being hyperaware of thinking and thoughts begin to feel intrusive and your anxiety wraps around it. It's just a symptom of extreme anxiety brought on by withdrawal. It does get better.

You're not going crazy. I wish someone had told me when I was going through this, that these are OCD symptoms. I thought OCD was just being compelled to act in a certain way but it has to do with thought processes too. It took on a life of its own for me and I didn't even know what it was. I only figured it out after it stopped being such an issue.

 

Skim the wikipedia article for OCD, I think you'll find it relatable and hopefully reassuring. It's a pretty common problem and by your description, plenty of people have gotten much worse symptoms under control. I am not suggesting you seek a diagnosis for OCD because this is temporary withdrawal. It just seems like you could get a lot out of understanding how people with OCD manage these symptoms. You could get a lot out of CBT - even just taking a look online to find some strategies that you can apply.

 

I hope things calm down for you soon enough. It won't always be like this.

I feel like I am going crazy. I put so much pressure on myself. I had an OCD thought about being stuck in a cognitive loop forever and it woke me up from sleeping and I completely lost control pacing, rolling around, vomiting...I then reach for some kratom to calm me down and it freaks me out how well kratom calms me down and then the thought of kratom calming me down makes me feel guilty and then I have OCD about that. I'm so hard on myself. I really don't know if I can do this anymore. I know I need to let go and accept that I take something for anxiety. I put so much pressure on myself coming off benzos I am now stuck in this repetitive uncontrollable thought process of anxiety. I then wish I could just go back on them and forget about all of this and accept the fact that my brain doesn't work right in the first place but then I read all of these horror stories and realize I can't do shit about it. I put a loaded gun to my head and realized my anxiety about myself and my life is so horrific I don't know how I can live without taking something for it. I didn't kill myself obviously, I just took more kratom again and then made a cup of chamomile tea. It's calmed my body down and my mind somewhat. I don't know where I am going to end up in this. If I wasn't panicking about this I might have been up all night again anyways pacing around with anxiety about something else. It's like my mind is always looking for something to be anxious about it. I'm about to throw in the towel and just go to a doctor. I feel like a hopeless case. Not sure if this is benzos anymore. Maybe it is benzos and my brain doesn't know how to function without chemical intervention. I have done nothing but gone down into a downward spiral since I came off. I lost my job, my identity, my friends. Now I just live alone with my thoughts and my thoughts drive me mad and I don't know how to take back control from them. I know rationally how stupid this whole thing is but my brain just acts out and goes nuts. I just want to go home.

Bam,

 

I  have just been doing some research on this.  The obsessions are relentless, so painful.

 

 

You're not going crazy. I wish someone had told me when I was going through this, that these are OCD symptoms. I thought OCD was just being compelled to act in a certain way but it has to do with thought processes too. It took on a life of its own for me and I didn't even know what it was. I only figured it out after it stopped being such an issue.

 

Skim the wikipedia article for OCD, I think you'll find it relatable and hopefully reassuring. It's a pretty common problem and by your description, plenty of people have gotten much worse symptoms under control. I am not suggesting you seek a diagnosis for OCD because this is temporary withdrawal. It just seems like you could get a lot out of understanding how people with OCD manage these symptoms. You could get a lot out of CBT - even just taking a look online to find some strategies that you can apply.

 

I hope things calm down for you soon enough. It won't always be like this.

The ups and downs of taking kratom and then it wearing off sounds like it's not helping too much. Irritability and agitation are symptoms of withdrawal from kratom. I can totally see how that could manifest in the way you describe.

 

I think you should consider that it might be holding you back, even though it seems to be your relief. CBD is much more suitable for the task, if you need something like that. That said, I'd hate to see you drop the kratom cold turkey, I think that would be absolutely brutal and perhaps more than you could manage. For now, just to try and get things more level and settled, could you make a consistent dosing schedule that has the best chance of keeping you balanced and prevent the habit from getting out of hand? I'd also avoid taking it on a completely empty stomach. Perhaps 1-2 hours after eating is about right. If you dose the same time each day, your body and mind will get used to that and it won't be so up and down.

 

I can tell that you're searching for answers because you feel helpless and unsure what to do. That's the source of the pressure, I believe. Well, you're in a pickle and you can't solve it all in one go. But if you get on the right path, take a small step in the right direction, some of that pressure may relent. You need to get some consistency before you can make any huge changes. Does that make sense?

The ups and downs of taking kratom and then it wearing off sounds like it's not helping too much. Irritability and agitation are symptoms of withdrawal from kratom. I can totally see how that could manifest in the way you describe.

 

I think you should consider that it might be holding you back, even though it seems to be your relief. CBD is much more suitable for the task, if you need something like that. That said, I'd hate to see you drop the kratom cold turkey, I think that would be absolutely brutal and perhaps more than you could manage. For now, just to try and get things more level and settled, could you make a consistent dosing schedule that has the best chance of keeping you balanced and prevent the habit from getting out of hand? I'd also avoid taking it on a completely empty stomach. Perhaps 1-2 hours after eating is about right. If you dose the same time each day, your body and mind will get used to that and it won't be so up and down.

 

I can tell that you're searching for answers because you feel helpless and unsure what to do. That's the source of the pressure, I believe. Well, you're in a pickle and you can't solve it all in one go. But if you get on the right path, take a small step in the right direction, some of that pressure may relent. You need to get some consistency before you can make any huge changes. Does that make sense?

 

I have thought about doing that. I have been trying to use it as needed the last couple of days. I was able to go to sleep without it a couple times and was doing better mentally. Last night though, I was doing terrible mentally so I took a ton of it. I am still not doing good. I think this extreme stress and being on my own in my own little world of suffering has caused this. I have been stuck in my own life for so long with tapering this, trying to manage this, panic and anxiety, stress, not having people to confide in, only people on groups who keep saying its cause I have no gaba. That might be true but it is also probably true I am an overthinker by nature and I'm shooting myself in the foot. I can't remember the last time I got lost in a movie or a conversation or just went with the flow with anything. Everytime I talk to someone, I hear my own voice and I'm not really there, every time I watch TV I ruminate about my own thoughts...I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not a bad person. I didn't deserve any of this. None of us did.

The ups and downs of taking kratom and then it wearing off sounds like it's not helping too much. Irritability and agitation are symptoms of withdrawal from kratom. I can totally see how that could manifest in the way you describe.

 

I think you should consider that it might be holding you back, even though it seems to be your relief. CBD is much more suitable for the task, if you need something like that. That said, I'd hate to see you drop the kratom cold turkey, I think that would be absolutely brutal and perhaps more than you could manage. For now, just to try and get things more level and settled, could you make a consistent dosing schedule that has the best chance of keeping you balanced and prevent the habit from getting out of hand? I'd also avoid taking it on a completely empty stomach. Perhaps 1-2 hours after eating is about right. If you dose the same time each day, your body and mind will get used to that and it won't be so up and down.

 

I can tell that you're searching for answers because you feel helpless and unsure what to do. That's the source of the pressure, I believe. Well, you're in a pickle and you can't solve it all in one go. But if you get on the right path, take a small step in the right direction, some of that pressure may relent. You need to get some consistency before you can make any huge changes. Does that make sense?

 

I'm just going to have to get on a consistent dosing schedule again with it for a couple days and then eventually start tapering off. I just need to accept whatever happens. I try to fight this shit and I just need to surrender and start comind down from it.

Hi lespaul,

 

I've been reluctant to post, but if I don't I'll be sorry.  I don't want to appear alarmist. 

 

If you have held a loaded gun to your head I really do think you should see a therapist.  Just talking to someone face to face can help.  You will learn strategies to help deal with this terrible nightmare. 

 

So glad you did not act on the compulsion and want you to know that it really does improve.  I've had similar compulsions and know how you feel.

 

I think too that it would be a good idea to give the gun to a friend for safekeeping. 

 

It REALLY does begin to improve lespaul.  I'm nearly 22 months off Valium and def not out of the woods, but improving.  Slooooowly. 

 

My best to you. 

 

Dee

I was just reading this and I've had this. It was freaking scary.  The way you notice thoughts and it keep going and going till you scare the crap out of youself. The more you feed into the thoughts the more scary things you come up with. I totally get it, I have it too. Ive been saying to myself why am I wasting my time thinking of things that are not going to happen.  Nothing good comes from ruminating it just makes you sx so much worse. It gets powerful. It helps if you try to catch yourself when you see yourself getting pulled into it. Then do something else.  A puzzle,  mindfulness meditation,  anything to keep your mind busy. Just say to yourself ok, this is a sx. Im in wd. You weren't like this before and its your body healing. Try to work 9n some coping skills. Walk in nature, positive affirmations, videos that help anxiety or ocd. If something triggers you then do something different. You can do this. Just take a deep breath and stay out of your head. Im not minimizing this sx at all, its my worst one. If I can do it you can too.  one day at a time.

I’m so so sorry you are experiencing this and I think as well it is a k thing. I had this at the beginning of my taper obsessing about everything. And I still have one topic I’m still obsessing about, but I believe I’m in my first window. Your going to heal! This will start fading away. What helped me when I was bad is coping skills deep breathing, 1,2,3,4,5 method, belly love etc. I know it’s easier said then done! But you will heal stay strong love. Never give up you got this! Look at how strong you are already going through what you are going through what an accomplishment!

Whats helping my over and over non stop looping thougts its sulpiride, i notice The effects short time after taking It.

 

It stops me somehow of keep repeating tô myself That im screwed up etc . 

I know that without it i would ruminate all day long and i would end in suicidal ideation .

 

i still dealing with many mental simptoms, i still feeling f... Up but not repeating It to myself and thinking about It  over and over again until reach suicidal ideation

 

i didnt even readed all that you wroted , anything to read its too much for my brain, so i dont know If im addressing myself to the main question .

 

Maybe It could help you too , btw i Tried other drugs. (Ads And antiypsichotic s) tô help with this and other mental stuff but ads Just makes my sx tô flare up or give me more inner agitation etc.  and mostly antipsychotics drugs only nakes me deal with extra piramidal sx., Sulpiride at 50 / 100 mg helped with those intrusive thoughts . Hope that at somepoint we feel better

 

Thanks everyone for the replies and concern. This post is a little old. I'm not freaking out like this so much anymore. The obsessing and thought loops are kind of gone now. I am mostly dealing with what I guess is depersonalization and existential thoughts and depression. Not really losing my mind like I was before. I still feel crazy but not to that extent anymore. Thanks everyone.

That's good to hear. It's normal to have a period of depression after such a white knuckle ride. Apart from the obvious factor of withdrawal screwing with your mind, you will be exhausted on some level from what went off.

 

I'm glad you're feeling less crazy.

Jeff Beck and Billy Gibbons playing Tennessee Ernie Ford's 16 tons.