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Somebody tell me I'm not crazy


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Hey guys,

 

I'm kinda new here. Just wanted to get my story out there and had a few questions too.

 

3 years back I cold turkeyed from a 0.5mg a day Klonopin regiment that I was on for 6 months. The only condition I had before being prescribed this monstrous drug was a teensy bit of anxiety, mild depression, migraines and some GI issues. Unbeknownst to me was the fact that I was in the process of getting addicted to one of the most vicious drugs on the planet and hell was to follow.

 

Neither did I know that it would still be following me to this date. I STILL HAVE issues chronic health issues and some are seeming to get worse. I've literally lost my life to this. I dropped out of grad school, put my career in a state of turmoil, lost all my friends and distanced myself from family. I can only remember glimpses of the life I had before all this. Over the course of the next few years I began developing symptoms that are well described by Chronic fatigue/Fibromyalgia syndrome. I'm perpetually brain fogged and tired. I'm always in pain and my nervous system feels raw and on fire. My coordination and balance is still out of whack. I've lost access to unrestricted, fine motor function. I can barely type freely, lift objects with one hand or bend down to reach for something. To make matters worse, my body's thermal regulation is complete in disarray and I'm always heating up.  :sick:

 

I've spent tons of time and money doing tests to get to the bottom of this. Blood work, MRIs, MRA, neurological eval, neuropsych eval - everything is squeeky clean except for my recent diagnosis for small fibre neuropathy, which coincidentally have no recollection of having this before my withdrawal. Honestly don't want to step into a hospital again. And I know that inspite of all evidence pointing to the obvious causation, there's not a single doctor out there who will be willing to believe me that this could all be due to benzos. So I'm here looking for support in this community and may be find answers to some of the questions on my mind

 

1) Am I being crazy attributing all this to the benzos? Can cold turkeying actually cause permanent brain damage to the areas of the brain responsible for pretty much everything from cognition to energy to mood to physical balance?

2) Has anyone CT's klonopin or any other benzos? If so, are you alright now?

2) Has anyone experienced symptoms after withdrawing that has lasted for more than a few years? And did any of them get worse over time?

3) What about nerve damage/neuropathy? Can benzo withdrawals actually damage nerves all over the body?

 

Thanks and regards,

Rabitfever

 

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I quit Klonopin cold turkey but healed within about 14 months but I know many members who weren't as lucky as I was, I'm so sorry you're still suffering.  We have a protracted board you can join, it's for those who are still suffering after many years, you may want to check it out. 

 

I absolutely believe you're still suffering the effects of your cold turkey but I also have hope you can fully recover.  We have success stories from many who have recovered, I hope you'll check them out, some of them are located on the protracted board.

 

I moved your post from the introductions board to cold turkey but you can actually find more support on the post withdrawal support board because the majority of our members taper, you'll find many who share your symptoms and fears.

 

I'm so very sorry you're suffering, but I hope you won't give up.

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1. Nah, you are not crazy! Like pamster said, there are people who are a few years off and still have lingering symptoms that are similar to yours.

2. I was CTed off of 6 months of Ativan and 2 ADs

Then, given a huge mess of drugs for a month, then CTed those. I would say I am much better now! It was a very nasty CT...but I keep improving more over time.

3. Check the protracted board, because I am 18 months off

4. I am most definitely a neuropathy girl. Never had it before benzos. Was a high level athlete. I too spent loads of money trying to get help for my nerve pain and muscle weakness that had me in a wheelchair....I also ended up with a small fiber neuropathy diagnosis. But I have a great neuro doc that believes me and knows it's all from the meds. And yes, mine was my whole body from the neck down, with my legs being the worst. BUT, the good news is that it keeps improving, so I am hopeful that by another year or 2 it may be completely gone?!

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You are not crazy. Psychotropic drugs are indeed neurotoxic and can damage the brain. Even manufacturers are forced to write about this. The course of any chronic disease is variable. There may be remission and improvement, and in some, the condition may worsen. We are dealing with a chronic illness caused by these pills.

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I agree. I got off a 30 year habit of nightly benzos, for insomnia. And my first year off was truly a living nightmare. Just like you, I thought I had suddenly gone insane.

But I hadnt. It was ALL benzo wd, period.

What helped me the most, except for the support I got here, was learning the basic WHYS of benzo withdrawal. If you get it that benzos work on your brain, then understanding why you feel so awful is much easier to understand. I do not mean becoming some professor type who spouts off  stuff "neurotrasmitters and synapses and down regulated" etc etc. You dont need to know that much. Just enough to explain WHY you feel as you do. And its always your brain. Period.

Keep writing, rabbit. I am glad you found us.

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I am only 67 days free. I am on Metoprolol now though, the anxiety from getting off all of the medications they put me on, along with a rapid taper, I am experiencing everything you are. GI issues like severe PVCS after eating, days of oily stools, diarrhea, and frequent extreme weight loss(I was 120lbs, I am not 90lbs). I also have this weird breathing thing. My body just randomly stops breathing for about 10 to 29 seconds. It’s horrid!  So you are not alone. I am hoping we will both get through this! 
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I am only 67 days free. I am on Metoprolol now though, the anxiety from getting off all of the medications they put me on, along with a rapid taper, I am experiencing everything you are. GI issues like severe PVCS after eating, days of oily stools, diarrhea, and frequent extreme weight loss(I was 120lbs, I am not 90lbs). I also have this weird breathing thing. My body just randomly stops breathing for about 10 to 29 seconds. It’s horrid!  So you are not alone. I am hoping we will both get through this!

 

Acute WD typically lasts 30-90 days for most people.  It's a period of intense symptoms and possible insomnia.  That doesn't mean at day 91 everything goes away, it means that symptom intensity usually changes to an an UP WAX (increase) or Down WANE (decrease) pattern over time.  Very nonlinear, 1 step forward 2 steps back healing and recovery process.  Symptoms can disappear only to return for awhile and new symptoms can appear out of the blue.  But this is all temporary.  Eventually things even out over time and everything fades and ends.

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You are definitely NOT crazy - you are brave - I know you probably don’t feel it - but you are.  Please hang on, please don’t give up.  You will heal. It’s super important you be kind to yourself in the process.  I cold turkeyed after 5 months of Valium use.  Whoops. I’m in month 10 - I get new symptoms sometimes, some symptoms have gone & some get worse sometimes.  I’m

So sorry you are suffering - please know that one say this will all be a distant memory.  You are strong, you are capable.  You can do this.  Please believe this nightmare will end because I promise you it will. 

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You are definitely not crazy! Just like you, I was prescribed clonazepam for mild insomnia. But it was 20 years before I became unfunctional. I took my 0.50 mg. clonazepam nightly for insomnia, just as my neurologist prescribed and never contributed any of my declining health issues to the benzo. But, in 2018, I started having agoraphobia, derealization and depersonalization. I didn't even know these terms until I looked up my symptoms.  I was in tolerance withdrawal and didn't know what was happening to me.  I went to many, many doctors, specialists, even MAYO CLINIC, only to be diagnosed with severe clinical depression.  I even had one psychiatrist tell me I was schizophrenic!  I was incorrectly admitted to 3 different Phsyc wards during the first year and a half.  I was treated inhumanely and I cannot even describe to you the horrors of those experiences!  And I used to run classes for people who were mentally ill and here I was, being treated as one of them!

 

So, no....you are not crazy....but the hellish torture of what these drugs do to us make us think that we are.  I am in the most horrific experience of my life and am hanging on minute by minute, day to day.

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You are definitely not crazy! Just like you, I was prescribed clonazepam for mild insomnia. But it was 20 years before I became unfunctional. I took my 0.50 mg. clonazepam nightly for insomnia, just as my neurologist prescribed and never contributed any of my declining health issues to the benzo. But, in 2018, I started having agoraphobia, derealization and depersonalization. I didn't even know these terms until I looked up my symptoms.  I was in tolerance withdrawal and didn't know what was happening to me.  I went to many, many doctors, specialists, even MAYO CLINIC, only to be diagnosed with severe clinical depression.  I even had one psychiatrist tell me I was schizophrenic!  I was incorrectly admitted to 3 different Phsyc wards during the first year and a half.  I was treated inhumanely and I cannot even describe to you the horrors of those experiences!  And I used to run classes for people who were mentally ill and here I was, being treated as one of them!

 

My god you are strong. Please know that someone half way across the world read this &

Marvelled at just how strong & how brave you are:  I know you don’t feel it right now.  Hang on.  You’re more than worth it.

 

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Thank you, Bess.  I surely do not feel strong at all.  But, I do know, if any of my friends would be going through this, they just wouldn't....if you know what I mean.
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Thank you, Bess.  I surely do not feel strong at all.  But, I do know, if any of my friends would be going through this, they just wouldn't....if you know what I mean.

 

I do know what you mean.  You must tell yourself that you are getting through this, you are doing well & you are healing.  I know you don’t feel this way right now but trust me - positive self talk makes a HUGE difference.  You are strong, you are brave, you can do this.  You are a smart, intelligent & capable person. 

 

I had times I literally thought I was dying - I was too scared to go to the hospital as I was petrified they would throw me in the psych ward & poly drug me.  So I counted the seconds, I watched ridiculous RV shows that I would never usually watch - mindless comedies that I glued myself to - like friends.  Sometimes I didn’t eat for days - thus was a mistake - you must keep your blood sugar as even as possible. Frequent small meals. Stat away from

Sugar, caffeine, processed foods.  You can do this - really you can’t. I promise it doesn’t last forever - I promise you will get windows & mostly I promise you are gonna be just fine.  Treat yourself like you would your own best friend.  Big hugs to you. 

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