Overwhelmed Right Now

Hello everyone, I figure it is time to give an update about the last 4 months of my life. This was extremely hard to write but felt like I needed to do it. So let’s dig right in. Just a disclaimer before reading, it's been a rough 4 months and I will be detailed on timeline so please don’t read if you are concerned. 

 

I’m going to be more detailed at the beginning because it was dynamic.

 

On June 19th, I made a cut from .2>.175mg which started a wave. On July 2nd the wave had not let up at all and was really wearing on me. I decided the dry cutting was adding so much anxiety to the process (scale jumping around, etc) so I switched to water titration and bumped down to .165 at the same time. From this point until July 9th things just really started getting worse. I was not eating a whole lot and my sleep was deteriorating. July 6 I didn’t sleep at all (zero), July 7th I slept 3 hours, July 8th I didn’t sleep at all. At this point I was walking around in my bathrobe in the wee hours of the morning losing my mind. On July 9th I went to my local ER because I was really scared. I was there for a few hours, they did some blood work, everything came back normal. I went home and really don’t remember how the night went.

 

July 10th - On July 10th I was beyond terrified. I was talking to my mother and father in law and they had mentioned they have a family friend who worked in Chemical Dependency for 40 years and to reach out to her. She had stated that I should go to a certain bigger hospital’s ER and to get admitted to the behavior health (pysch) department as they would help me get off this drug (via other drugs to ease the pain which I needed greatly at that point). So my wife brings me this ER. Now this was one of the scariest moments of my life. I was scared for my life to at home but I was also scared to death to get admitted because you are locked in and they take all of your possessions away and due to covid no visitors are allowed. I spoke with a therapist (who was awesome) and she and the ER doc felt that if they were to admit me to the pysch floor that it would completely lose it and my anxiety would go to unseen levels. They wanted me to sleep and to see where I was at in the morning so they sent me home with Trazadone and told me to take 100mg and see where I am at.

 

The Big Ah-Ha in the Grass - My wife had dropped me off so after they released me I had walked outside and sat in the grass in front of the hospital entrance and all of the sudden I had a huge awakening. Things clicked in my head and instantly all anxiety/symptoms stopped on the spot. What clicked was this. When I was talking to the wonderful therapist in the ER, she had made a comment that at this low of a dose (.165mg of A) they would likely not give me anything to help as generally they don’t see much for complications at that point of jumping. Up until this point I lost all trust in doctors dealing with mental issues. But these people I worked with in ER were very wonderful. So I decided to make the choice that I either 1. had to accept that these people are in their careers for the right reasons (dealt with mental illness before) and have seen it all and know what works or 2. Distrust them all. I decided to trust. And with that came the big AH-HA. Maybe, just maybe it wasn’t the Ativan only, maybe it was ME. Maybe all of my time on BB the prior 3 months had just driven me into an anxiety/fear ridden mess and it was all just in my head. Reading daily about everyone’s symptoms certainly could not help I thought but at the same time I knew it saved me back on April 10th. At that point I decided while the education pieces in BB the top links are great for education, the daily interaction among all of us truly creates this crazy fear fueled environment. So I went home, took 100mg of traz and slept 10 hours and felt amazing, for that day.

 

In Laws - On the 12th I decided that I could no longer be at home as we have 3 littles kids (5,3,1) and I simply couldn’t heal so I moved in with my mother and father in law. Over the next few days at my inlaws it was pretty rough. I had to figure out what to do. I called around to various IOP therapy programs, full live in treatment facilities, pyschs, etc. I had to tell my story over and over….it was very hard to do. I ended up joining a IOP therapy group and had appointments with a couple psychiatrists, one which was referred to the chem dependency family friend whom I ultimately started working with.

 

Path forward - So the path forward was to get on medicine to relieve the suffering  and help my anxiety by joining the group and talking to a therapist onexone. I ramped up to 10mg Celexa and  started Seroquel over the next couple days. I certainly was not excited about going on meds but thought that maybe the BB dogma was a bit extreme...sort of like throwing the baby out with the bath water (in terms of all drugs are bad). The following week was pretty terrible as I was dealing with the first week off ativan and also having the initial effects of getting on an AD. The seroquel took the edge off which was greatly needed however it was really sedating but it was either being sedated or losing my mind. About a week in at my in laws  I was missing my wife and kids so incredibly much. I tried going home but it was way too much. I saw all of the unfinished projects not done on the house and my anxiety spiked. It was really sad so I went back to in laws after a couple hours. I didn’t see my kids that day because I didn’t feel like I could handle it. At this point I truly felt like I was going mentally insane and I was going to lose my entire family. That was a very very dark point in my life. I stayed at my in laws for about another week and couldn’t stand being away from my family any longer so I moved back home. It was tough as I had to spend much of the time up in my room with the fan on so I couldn’t hear all of the screaming/yelling but at least I was in the same house as them. That first time I touched them after not being with them was such an amazing feeling, I will never forget.

 

At about 3 weeks out I was a bit more stable however still very much in acute. I didn’t feel like I needed to check into a hospital but it wasn’t great. I believe I felt the Celexa kicking in around 4 weeks out which seemed to help. I wasn’t keen on staying on Seroquel much longer so the doc switched me over to Remeron for appetite and sleep which actually worked well for both. I certainly wasn’t sleeping through the night but I was falling asleep and sleeping for 3-4 hour chunks. Over the next month I just tried to keep as busy around the house as I could. Thank the lord it was summer so I could be outside working on stuff all of the time.

 

Around 8-10 weeks would I would say I finally found some stability and was out of acute. I still had tinnitus and could feeling my heart/pulse every day and random other symptoms but mentally I seemed to stabilize. I felt like I was finally out of it. I was so beat down from the huge ups and downs over the last 7-8 months that any sort of stability, even if not perfect, was very very welcome.

 

Decision gone wrong - During the middle to end of September I had been stable for a few weeks and was feeling very good about my progress. There was one physical symptom I was getting really sick of, every day I felt detached/out of it a bit. I thought that it was from the remeron because that is sedating a bit. So I decided to start tapering off remeron. This turns out to be the turning point and I should NEVER have done this. I remember reading people on BB talking about how sensitive our bodies were in the months following jumping from Benzos but I really wanted to feel present with my life and family and the sedating feeling was not allowing that.  I also felt strongly about slowly tapering off the Celexa so I actually went down from 10-8mg over a week period in here. The first couple weeks were fine but by the 3rd week I could notice my tinnitus turning up a notch and I had a bit more anxiety. I kept going because at the same time that my symptoms were going up, I was actually being much less sedated and much more with it which was exactly what I was trying to solve. However with that came a significant return of the volatility from day to day and my sleep started going down hill big time.

 

Things really started to go down hill from here and is where I sit now. The last few weeks have been truly bad. I was only on celexa as I had tapered all of the way off remeron. I started not being able to fall asleep. I was losing it again. I felt like I was 1 week out from jumping off ativan. I can’t express the sadness I felt and am currently feeling after making such progress. Sleep became really bad and I started back on remeron and added back in Seroquel for during the day. But guess what, the remeron and seroquel bedtime combo no was not putting me asleep. This is where I totally freaked. The seroquel for bedtime was my ‘big gun’ that I could turn to if all else was failing, now that is no longer working. I’m done. I can’t fall asleep, even the strongest drugs won’t put me to sleep. This past week I have been on an every other day pattern, up all night one night and then losing it all day the next (wanting to check into the hospital) and then sleeping a bit the following night and having a somewhat decent day. Rinse repeat 3 or 4 cycles. Two nights ago I switched from seroquel during the day and seroquel/remeron at night to Hydroxyzine during the day and trazodone at night. Guess what, trazodone isn’t knocking me out. Jesus, please help me.

 

I remember going through my taper and seeing people that had signatures that had histories that included so many different drugs and what not...I vowed to myself that I just needed to keep the taper simple, get through the couple weeks post jump and move on. And now look at me. I simply don’t know the path forward. Are the meds making it worse? Are the meds what I need to get out? No one has answers and my life is in a horrible place. A couple weeks ago was the first time I felt the urge to just give up and take the ativan again so I went to the cabinet with all of my old ativan and water titration stuff and threw it in the garbage/toilet.

 

My wife has been our superhero. Not only has she been single parenting 3 little kids since the first week of February, she has done it during a pandemic and with a husband who one day is somewhat calm and collective and the very next day losing his mind. I love her so dearly. Unfortunately with this turn in events she is finally starting to break and it truly breaks my heart. She is such a strong stable person and I’m making her lose it.

 

I’m a sad and beat down person that simply has no idea which way to go. I’m so sorry to have to add this addition to this community. I have not giving up the fight but man, this is tough.

 

 

Edit: Changed title.

 

 

As I was reading through your post I had high hopes it was a success story, I'm so sorry it's not.  You've had such a rough time and I don't have any answers for you, I've heard that drugs that worked one time may not the next and it breaks my heart you're here. 

 

I hope others with experience will stop by to offer suggestions.

 

 

 

Awww hey there,

Read your whole post, and so sorry you are here

Yeah, it stinks that you where kind of stable and at least sleeping on the celexa/Remeron combo. And we all understand the desire to taper off drugs to get back to our true selves.

Are you still on the celexa?

And you said now doing hydroxyzine and trazadone?

I know how it feels....

I did the awake for 2 days, then sleep for an hour or 2, then repeat . Ugh. It totally seems like it is not humanly possible to go so many days , weeks, and months with SO little sleep...I know.

But just so you know you are not alone, there are many of us here who survived it. The same exact pattern.

I kept thinking, "what do I do when NOTHING puts me to sleep?" I am a small person and I was given massive amounts of Seroquel, antipsychotics etc....enough to put down an elephant..and still awake. I felt helpless.

But here is the thing- after making it through the other side, I am now sleeping well again and I have NO fear of not sleeping again.

Like it just doesn't scare me at all. Actually, hardly anything does.

If you have to go through the insomnia without drugs, you can try supplements and cannabis and cbd, and things like that too. I sure tried those!

I know you are regretting doing the Remeron taper too soon, but don't beat yourself up about it! It's already in the past.

And I know how you feel about your spouse. It broke my heart to watch it break my very strong hubby.

Do you have other family and friends to help? We actually had a sign up for ours to come help relieve my hubby, or go to store for him stuff like that. I know that sounds crazy but it helped us.

 

I am hoping for some sleep for you. Though those drugs didn't help me at all,  I know some people on here have better luck with antihistamines like hydroxyzine, benadryl, and stuff if they only use them a few times a week?

Wishing you the best

I’ve been taking care of my 8, 6, and 1 year old daily while my husband works. It’s so hard being a stay at home and this is the sickest I have been in the whole withdrawl process. I’m glad you have help makes me sad the situation you are in. Those kids need you! I hope things turn around for you soon.

Awww hey there,

Read your whole post, and so sorry you are here

Yeah, it stinks that you where kind of stable and at least sleeping on the celexa/Remeron combo. And we all understand the desire to taper off drugs to get back to our true selves.

Are you still on the celexa?

And you said now doing hydroxyzine and trazadone?

I know how it feels....

I did the awake for 2 days, then sleep for an hour or 2, then repeat . Ugh. It totally seems like it is not humanly possible to go so many days , weeks, and months with SO little sleep...I know.

But just so you know you are not alone, there are many of us here who survived it. The same exact pattern.

I kept thinking, "what do I do when NOTHING puts me to sleep?" I am a small person and I was given massive amounts of Seroquel, antipsychotics etc....enough to put down an elephant..and still awake. I felt helpless.

But here is the thing- after making it through the other side, I am now sleeping well again and I have NO fear of not sleeping again.

Like it just doesn't scare me at all. Actually, hardly anything does.

If you have to go through the insomnia without drugs, you can try supplements and cannabis and cbd, and things like that too. I sure tried those!

I know you are regretting doing the Remeron taper too soon, but don't beat yourself up about it! It's already in the past.

And I know how you feel about your spouse. It broke my heart to watch it break my very strong hubby.

Do you have other family and friends to help? We actually had a sign up for ours to come help relieve my hubby, or go to store for him stuff like that. I know that sounds crazy but it helped us.

 

I am hoping for some sleep for you. Though those drugs didn't help me at all,  I know some people on here have better luck with antihistamines like hydroxyzine, benadryl, and stuff if they only use them a few times a week?

Wishing you the best

 

Thank you for the  quick response. So I stopped the remeron on 10/8, things got highly volatile and then when i couldn't take it anymore on 10/20 I started back up the remeron at night along with seroquel and also seroquel during the day because my anxiety is so high. I then stopped the remeron and seroquel again on 10/30 because it was not working and I was completely losing it. About to check into the local psychiatric unit. I spoke with my med doc and she gave told me to try trazodone again so I did that on the 30th and then on the 31st she had me start hydroxyzine which was new to me and seems to be helping the anxiety. I am taking the hydroxyzine 3 times a day, 3 days now.

 

Any input would help. I can't believe I'm back here. I wasn't even aware of the issues that remeron were going to cause. I do believe it helped me out very much in the 3 months post ativan jump. I was just feeling better a bit and wanted to keep making progress so thought remeron would be a quick easy taper. I literally knew nothing about it because I was so beat down from the ativan taper i just stopped all research and took the drugs they told me to take (celexa, remeron, seroquel) 

Hopefully if the hydroxyzine is helping, you can just make it through with that. I can't take it because I can't take other antihistamines, but I know it is at least not as bad as Seroquel!!

That stuff made me so crazy. Ugh.

Does the hydroxyzine help you sleep at all?

I got off benzos.

 

And then like 6 months later jumped off seroquel

Then I jumped off depakote

Then I jumped off gabapentin

Then I jumped off Effexor

 

 

Yes, I had been on all of those meds at the same time.

 

I don’t have any advice other than it gets better.....time will heal you. And if you think remeron was helping, why not go back?

 

I quit nicotine and caffeine too.

Hey April,

 

Been awhile my friend. I just stopped in to see how everyone was doing as saw your post. Damn, so crappy to read what you’ve been going through after the jump. I think about you often.

 

I can’t suggest anything I’m sure a doc hasn’t already but ..... I know Zoloft did absolute wonders for me. The initial side effects sucked and it took about 2 months, but man does it work. I’m living proof. I struggled terribly with insomnia during my taper and it is miserable. When I was tired enough, my body allowed sleep. Finally, things got back to normal. I had also struggled on and off with anxiety, and resisted any medications. Foolish now I know.

 

You have conquered the Ativan taper and you will conquer this. Don’t fight the thought of ‘all these meds” , right now (as you told me months ago) you HAVE to get stable. Not treating or addressing the underlying anxiety is wearing you down, and I know that finally not feeling anxious, depressed or hopeless was heaven for us. I have my life back and am happy. You WILL also. I was lucky in having a great doc, a super supportive wife and family (like you) and the will to push through the side effects of an SSRI , to get healthy.

You CAN do this. This WILL GET BETTER. Keep fighting.

 

Allan