If I could retire I would be healed...

What a crazy nine months. If you look at my signature box you can kind of see my journey. Been benzo and Z drug free for two months. Aside from some fatigue and troubling neuropathy in my feet, I’m not doing too bad. Thanks to Covid I’ve been teleworking and could pick my spots. Well that’s over and now back to the nine to five. The reason I began benzos in the first place was to sleep. My sleeping problems have returned and I’m concerned I won’t be able to sleep and function at my demanding job. I can’t quit, too many people depend on me. Four years to go until retirement. Tempted to go back to at least Ambien so I can sleep and do my thing.

I'm sorry to hear your sleeping troubles have returned, how much are you getting each night, was it improving since you became benzo and Ambien free or has it been bad all along?  Two months away from the drugs isn't long in terms of recovery, most don't see improvement until much later.

 

Do you have good sleep hygiene, have you looked around the forum to see some of the great tips people have come up with to help in this area?

 

I hate to see you go back to Ambien but understand needing to function.

Thank you Pamster. My sleep was improving as I took Valerian supplements and melatonin. This was in the no stress, I don’t have to get up early tomorrow, telework context. These supplements seem to lose their effectiveness in the face of stress. I’ll try to hang in there to see if I can turn the corner but the need to function and support the many people in my life might prevail. If I resort to taking only Ambien, I wonder if it will lead to any adverse effects such as kindling.

First of all, I want to say congratulations. You tapered off of two heavy-hitting drugs in seven months. All while maintaining your job. That couldn't have been easy.

 

For myself, I am three months out from my jumping off day and I am just now starting to get more sleep. For several weeks toward the end of my taper, I had constant insomnia. I went from three hours to four to five and now I'm up to six. Six feels doable in terms of functioning during the day.

 

Just last week, I had a few nights of only four hours in the midst of having reached five hours, and I was ready to explore a new drug. Then I started getting six hours. I know this window of better sleep will probably change again, but I'm glad that I'm not on a new drug. So many of them give me a hungover feeling.

 

Do you have trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, or early morning waking? For me, it has been a combo or all three at times.

 

I have been getting regular therapeutic massages, and I think they are helping with a lot of my issues, which include pins and needles from head to toe. I had stopped going for a few months because of covid, but my health deteriorated rapidly so I decided to risk it. Getting the muscle tension and knots addressed seems to be helping my nervous system to reset. Some of that might be the placebo effect because I want it to work, but I'll take whatever help I can get.

 

I hope you are really patient with yourself as you go back out to work. Who knows, maybe doing that will help with your sleep schedule? We can at least wish that this will be the case over time. And further congratulations are due-- by the time the next election cycle comes around you will be able to retire!

 

-- Liz

Thanks Liz! Yes, I have both trouble falling and staying asleep. Without the stress of having to “be on” it didn’t bother me too much as a 30 minute nap would tide me over. Certainly no chances for naps when I return to the office next week. I could get pretty good two to three hour chunks of sleep with help of valerian supplements. They seem to be losing their effectiveness. Interesting your comments on massage for treating your pins and needles. Wonder if that would help my feet? I appreciate your thoughtful comments on my post. Things like this really help. I wish you too the best of luck and congrats to you as well. Happy to hear your sleep is improving. I’ll try to stick it out without going back on anything but if things get bad I might have to get back on the Ambien to stay in the game. Time goes fast and hopefully we’ll both be in good shape by the next election.

Hi there John,

 

Nueropathy, is it from the drugs? I'm having cramps in my feet and tingling and do not like it.

 

I understand...that stress is so hard to manage and when it comes to getting a night sleep it feels like too much to go without very often. I was in that loop for 20 years. BUT I've also had horrible fibromyalgia symptoms and had to finally leave work. I miss working, I miss being a part of, but I am too sick to work.

 

The long list of symptoms that have made functioning so difficult for me, are some mystery illness called fibromyalgia or is it the ambien I've taken for 20 years? I am just going to wait and see how I feel once I've tapered and am off.

 

I've learned a lot in the 7 weeks of taper, I'm taking 8mg now rather than 10mg ... so depending on it to get to sleep. I've used hops a few times to get back to sleep ... but changed my bedtime routine and added a daily walk and got support here to get this far. It is such a rough topic. There is such a thing as Cognitive Behavioral Support for Insomnia. I'm learning some about it and thus made a bedtime routine of getting offline, warm bath, stretching, music, low lights.

 

Ambien has been poison in my life...and I am scared of how I'll do off of it. Have you tried hops? I wish you peaceful evenings to disengage from fight or flight and learn to calm yourself, I wish me that and all of us!

 

I think I understand the temptation and your reasons but I would say this...

 

From your posts, I gather that you are trying to assess the risk of getting back on Ambien. You should also consider that often benzos and z drugs become a lot less effective when you have used them in the past. They are not forced to pack the same punch and the worst thing would be to get to where you are dependent on Ambien but still only getting a few hours sleep. It's not such a remote possibility.

 

Honestly, I think it's a really bad idea. I think you should intensify your focus around what you can do to live clean and healthily with not too much stress, notwithstanding that you must work.You'll get better if you just keep going and don't do anything rash... but if you are studious about your health, you can move things along with behavioural changes.

Thanks Bam, sound advice. Just crossed the three month mark and am hanging in there. We’ll see. Have some big stressful business trips ahead that include some important presentations. The temptation will be there if I’m tossing and turning. Birdsong, yes, the neuropathy is from the drugs. Sudden onset during withdrawals and still troublingly present. Perhaps a tad better? Sorry to hear about your struggles. That sucks. Perhaps all your pain is drug related. I’m not normal yet but have improved significantly. I hope you will too.

John

 

I think it is best to stay away from the meds.  You may find they are not as helpful as you hope.  You may find yourself on a slippery slope.  You have come so far.   

 

I have had many years of worrying about sleep and work.  I so often felt that not working would be my saving grace.  In fact, I have not worked during my taper and withdrawal for other reasons.  I lost my job due to a serious workplace accident and then programs closed.  Now I have to get a job.  Age 65.  Covid.  Ok.  I accept it.  I will just keep focused on what is effective and do what has to be done.

 

Sleep hygiene.  Weighted blanket 10% of your weight.  Breathing 4,7,8.  Melatonin 1.5 mgs in tart cherry juice (not sweet juice). 

 

You will be okay.  Some day your retirement will come.  Meanwhile, breathe, rest when you can, and try some different neutral supplements. 

No problem John. Reading it back, it seems a little vague but I'm glad you got the gist and I'm glad you're hanging in there. It's good you recognise what are going to be the critical moments where you could deviate from what is best for your health. It might be a good idea to try and consider some alternative strategies, perhaps being extra careful in the days leading up to these difficult moments to avoid any strenuous activity. If that's possible. Try to have a full battery of charge at the crunch times. Good luck!

 

Healing64, my understanding is that 1.5mg would be an overdose for many people. Not a bad one, but more than you need. I have seen 0.5mg suggested as a starting dose and that seems sensible to me. I've taken 1mg before I knew and was fine, but it wasn't necessary. Less is better for your system if you can handle it and too much can actually cause a rebound effect where falling asleep is easy enough but you jolt awake before you're ready but still feeling groggy. 1.5mg is not ridiculous and might be right for some people, I just wanted to add this point. The 5mg tablets are ridiculous because they suggest that is a standard sized dose which is just wrong.

John:  3 months + off!!!! Awesome, congratulations!! Wishing you well on your business trips. That is what started it for me so so long ago.

 

BAM and Healing nice to read your encouragement and Healing really appreciate your reassurance. BTW, with Covid some people are talking about doing instacart delivery ... good luck with the job hunt at this time, I feel your pain.

 

 

Thank you buddies. This week will tell. Your insights, advice, and encouragement mean A LOT!